I finally asked out a girl for the first time! ^_^ Not sure how it went, though

[MattW]

As some of you may know, there's a girl I work with I've been interested in for a little while. I was going to ask her out this past Saturday, but I chickened out. I set a new goal to ask her out tonight.

 

Went to work and *almost* chickened out again. Seriously, came THIS close to just leaving. But I managed to put it out there. It... came out a little more awkwardly than I had played it in my head, though.

 

I asked her if she was doing anything next weekend; she was, so I asked what about next weekend, which she wasn't doing anything. I said we should go out some time, and she said "Like a date?". I just kinda said "Sure". She said she's dated coworkers in the past and it never worked out, but she said "Let me think about it". I just said okay, and made my exit.

 

So, I guess it wasn't a "No", but it wasn't exactly a yes, either. She didn't particularly seemed shocked or weirded out by me asking her, so... I guess it's nice to have put it out there, but I still don't quite know where I stand now. I'm sort of kicking myself, because maybe I should've given her my number after she said she'll think about it. I don't see her again for a little while, so I don't know how she'll get back to me. And when I do see her again, I don't know if I should wait for her to bring it up, or say something, myself. Or, perhaps "Let me think about it" is just general "girl language" for "no"?

 

Either way, I guess it's a bit of a relief. Proud of myself for pulling the trigger, even if I wasn't quite as "smooth" as I wish I would've been.

[iamkaylee]

You should be proud! Next time it will be even easier ;-)

 

You didn't get a no, you got a maybe with a valid reason. So, that's good. Now you wait and see. She's busy this weekend but you know she's not busy next weekend. So, sometime before then when you see her again, so ask if she's thought about you going out next weekend. If she says no, don't get discouraged, just accept it as a smart thing.

 

She is right, dating coworkers is sticky territory. If it doesn't work out, it gets real uncomfortable at work. So, look at a no that way if you get one. There's always another girl to ask out

[MattW]

Yeah, I'll respect her decision either way, I just... hope she takes everything into consideration. She and I don't work that many shifts together, so its not like we see each other so much that it'd be awkward. Plus, I think both of us are planning to be out of this job within the next 6-12 months, anyway. So, I'll understand, I just hope she actually thinks about it.

[Batya33]

Good for you! I originally met my husband at work -he was very shy at the time -so I am glad you pulled the trigger. I probably wouldn't mention it again -just continue to be friendly and approachable when you see her.

[Celadon]

Good for you, MattW. That takes guts.

 

I agree with what everyone else has said about what happens if she says no. It could be a "no dating co-workers" thing. I'm sure she's flattered you asked, though.

 

In any case, you can feel proud of yourself for paying her the compliment of asking her out. When you see her again, just chat her up as usual and have something fun to share about yourself and what's been going on in your life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Congratulations for taking the plunge! Don't wait around for her answer. Quite frankly the "I will think about it" is a politician's non-answer to everything...it is an avoidance tactic. Since she is an indecisive person and has to hide behind vagueness, I would suggest forgetting about her. Now that you have asked someone out, it will be easier for you for the next person...so if there is anyone else you are interested in, or if you meet someone else who seems interesting to you, ask that person out.

[MattW]

Congratulations for taking the plunge! Don't wait around for her answer. Quite frankly the "I will think about it" is a politician's non-answer to everything...it is an avoidance tactic. Since she is an indecisive person and has to hide behind vagueness, I would suggest forgetting about her.

 

I guess... I mean, I'm not really going to dwell on it, and I'm currently working under the assumption that that was a "no" from her, but I dunno, she sounded pretty genuine when she said she'd think about (I could be wrong, I suppose). I remember when I had overheard another coworker ask her out a few weeks ago, and while I don't know what she ended up saying, I remember her repeatedly deflecting him by saying "I feel like that would be really weird...". So, at the very least, I appreciate that she explained the situation to me and said she'd think about it, rather than saying "That would be weird", heh.

[Michele32]

I congratulate you as well! It takes some guts to do that. But like others have said, do not over think it...now that you have practiced, asked out another girl!! or 2 or 3?? Why not? Just be confident around the girl, I think the ball is in her court so let her come to you..you already put yourself out there.

[Sportster2005]

Awesome, you're officially on the wild and exciting roller coaster

 

The bad news is that in my experience anything but yes is a no. But that's not as important as actually manning up and getting it done. Kudos.

[abitbroken]

YAY!!! That's great!

 

And the best part is you are assuming that its not a "no."

 

And its okay that she thinks about it. She may have decided long before you asked her out that it is not a good idea to date coworkers based on her past coworker experiences - so she may not be thinking about you in the negative, but if she wants to get involved with a coworker or not.

 

If she ultimately doesn't want to go out with you - don't take it personally, and start to meet other women in other ways and you will be way more confidant next time, too. You might have to ask a few women before you get a "yes"

[blueidealist24]

I guess... I mean, I'm not really going to dwell on it, and I'm currently working under the assumption that that was a "no" from her, but I dunno, she sounded pretty genuine when she said she'd think about (I could be wrong, I suppose). I remember when I had overheard another coworker ask her out a few weeks ago, and while I don't know what she ended up saying, I remember her repeatedly deflecting him by saying "I feel like that would be really weird...". So, at the very least, I appreciate that she explained the situation to me and said she'd think about it, rather than saying "That would be weird", heh.

 

It sounds like she was totally disinterested in him, while she might have some interest in you or at least respects you enough to explain her rationale about not dating coworkers. Anyway, could still turn into a yes, good luck and congrats on your first ask-out!

[MattW]

Yeah, maybe. I was also a little surprised at how... "matter of fact"ly the discussion went. Not sure why, but I was expecting a reaction from her along the lines of "Whoa, where is that coming from all of a sudden?!", or something like that. You know, like, shock and "horror". It sort of confused me at how calmly she said "Like a date?", and her explanation and answer.

[blueidealist24]

Yeah, maybe. I was also a little surprised at how... "matter of fact"ly the discussion went. Not sure why, but I was expecting a reaction from her along the lines of "Whoa, where is that coming from all of a sudden?!", or something like that. You know, like, shock and "horror". It sort of confused me at how calmly she said "Like a date?", and her explanation and answer.

 

Well, she was clearly not horrified or repulsed at the prospect of dating you, which is always good. Sounds like she really didn't like the other dude, since she used the word "weird".

[MattW]

Looking ahead, I finally get to see her again next Friday or Saturday, but I don't expect her to bring it up; she already explained her reasoning to me, so I guess she doesn't have any obligation to reaffirm her answer as a "no" to me.

 

I respect whatever she does or doesn't do, either way, but I still can't help feeling a little sad. I like her a lot, and I had a really good feeling about us. I know you're supposed to just "brush yourself off and get on with life", but it's just a little tougher, because this isn't some random girl I met in passing, it's a girl I've known for a while and have developed feelings for over a period of time. I suppose I'll get over it eventually, but it just kinda sucks. I really thought there was some interest on her part, and I never get that "vibe" from girls. Guess I was wrong, though.

 

Ah well, guess I'll see what, if anything, happens when I see her in another couple of weeks or so.

[blueidealist24]

You might still be able to go out with her.. after all she couldn't really get in contact with you to do something this weekend because you said you didn't give her your number.

[Ms Darcy]

I have a "hot" friend who is frequently getting hit on by guys. They seem to take her friendliness as flirting. Oh well ... I think it's normal to see more than what's there when you are interested.

 

But I say if you want to increase women's attraction to you then working on your physical health will also really help you.

[MattW]

I have a "hot" friend who is frequently getting hit on by guys. They seem to take her friendliness as flirting. Oh well ... I think it's normal to see more than what's there when you are interested.

 

I guess. Honestly, though, I didn't really start developing an interest in her until I noticed she was seemingly spending more free time with me at work than with anyone else, just to goof off or unwind. I have friendly relationships with plenty of girls, but this one just seemed different. I dunno.

[Celadon]

Well let us know what happens.

 

I'm not saying that she's not interested, but some girls like to spend time with someone they enjoy who also feels "safe" -- especially if they're getting hit on by other guys. Over the years I have been told that my actions are "confusing" by guys who thought I might be interested in them, when I just behaved toward them like I would anyone. I can be friendly (smiles, talking, but no flirting and never anything physical AT ALL, not so much as a hand on the shoulder). And I never hung out with any of these men one-on-one. So, romantic interest can be tricky to assess. All I can say is, if you like someone, let them know. Then let the chips fall where they may, knowing that you did your part.

[Jamesonn]

Okay hold up here...

 

Never call it a "date" that just puts pressure and labels on things. If you want to go out with this girl this is what you should do.

 

Go to her and say "hey, I actually gave the "dating" thing some thought and I think it's best that we don't date. However, you're a fun person to talk to and I'd like to get to know you better. Would you care to join me for a drink sometime in the upcoming week?"

 

Yes, what I'm saying is friendzone yourself. This way, you get to go out with her AND if she likes you...you'll know After talking with her for awhile I'm sure she'll decide whether the interest is mutual. What you SAY doesn't matter. The goal is to get her out and to have a fun time. The rest will fall in place if it should.

 

She's not going to respond positively if you just let it hang. Man up, friendzone yourself and go out for a drink and have fun. If she's attracted to you, you'll know. Now you get rid of the pressure of "date" and you have a blast.

[j.man]

I don't really understand. Why friend zone yourself? I can dig not explicitly referring to it as a "date," but going out of your way to say it's not a date? I know if a woman were to ask me to hang out and made sure to point out that it wasn't a date and that it's "best we don't date," I'd think right away, "oh, okay, she wouldn't even consider dating me, regardless of how well we get along." And I'd treat everything like that and abstain from any interest even if things were to go flawlessly.

 

Also, couldn't it make it a bit awkward? Coworkers often hang out outside of work. I have a female coworker who's got a boyfriend. I go and watch Spanish movies with her all the time (not many Spanish speakers around here and people seem to hate subtitles). You don't really need to put in an extra effort to point out that it's not a date. A woman might be okay with just hanging out, and then be put off by you going out of your way to point out it's not a date. Something like, "Okay, I wasn't really thinking about it until you mentioned it.. and now I don't know if you're just an awkward dude with low self-confidence who wants it to be a date, or if you genuinely just want to have a friendship between coworkers."

 

There is so much politics and ambiguity even around just the word "date" that it's definitely beneficial not to use, especially for the first meet. That's sound advice. I'm just not sold on intentionally friend zoning yourself with a woman you find attractive and are interested in.

[MattW]

I suppose I see what you're saying, but I'm not really sure I see how changing the word would change her mind. I mean, it's already been put out there; I can't imagine me saying "Hey, let's go out, but we won't call it a 'date'" would suddenly change her mind, yanno? I think we'd both still know that at least one of us would be seeing it as a "date". Besides, this is kind of starting to go in "game playing" direction, and I'm not a fan of that; maybe my outlook is unrealistic, but I'd rather everyone just say and do what they feel, and not feel the need to play with words and stuff just to get someone to go out with them.

 

And I dunno, maybe "tone" doesn't matter as much as I seem to think it does, but like I said, she didn't seem shocked, appalled, or even uncomfortable when she asked me "Like a date?", and I said "sure". Maybe that means something, maybe that means nothing, but I'd like to think that if she were really put off by the idea of dating me, her tone and body language would've made it a lot more obvious. It almost just felt like were we making chitchat, talking about the weather, or something simple like that, the way she spoke about it.

[Jamesonn]

Well she wasn't put "off" by it, but she also wasn't put "on" by it either. Having social skills is not "game playing" that's just your perception. To be honest you probably won't change her mind by saying that, but in general you don't want to call things a "date" especailly the first time you go out. That tends to put unnecessary pressure on situations and women are more likely to flake. If it's more casual, there's no manipulation in that. You don't OWE it to her to spill out your feelings and tell her how you feel. You simply find her an attractive person and want to get to know her better, and then hopefully she'll reciprocate and you can start a relationship.

 

It's okay to "mask" your feelings upfront especially if you're not sure what they even are since you haven't even gone out with her! That's why I suggest when meeting a woman you're potentially interested in, to keep things casual and go out to see if there's even any spark. Convey feelings through actions not through words.

 

People don't say and do what they feel. People say one thing and do another. If a girl isn't attracted to a guy but finds him nice she's not going to say "I think you're unattractive" she WILL say "I think you're a nice guy but I have issues blabla" She didn't CONVEY what she was actually feelings, she simply masked it like people do ALL THE TIME in different social scenarios. If you hate your boss, you're not going to go up to your boss and tell him you think he's an idiot.

 

What you're doing without realizing it is picking and choosing what YOU think the world should work like. In regular situations you naturally mask what you're feeling and thinking all the time, however when presented with a romantic situation you have the view that you need to put all the cards on the table and a girl can either choose to accept it or not. In doing so, you're limiting yourself by being more socially abnormal rather than normal like you are in other situations.

 

"playing games" is in your head. It's natural social dynamics.