When in a relationship with a full time dad, what do you do when he....

[im sandra dee]

When in a relationship with a full time dad, what do you do when he....

 

1) brings his kids to your house and they rummage through your refrigerator and pantry looking for snacks?

One of his children got into my pantry and sampled the unsweetened cocoa perhaps because of the picture of yummy looking brownies that were on the container? Then I found cocoa on my bathroom floor and in my bathroom sink and on my bath mat - not too sure that will wash out as it is white. I am annoyed. I don't want to be but I am.

 

2) comes over with them for dinner and I don't have kid-friendly food or beverages. Am I supposed to go shopping to feeds his kids? They aren't my responsibility.

 

What is the protocol? Have any women without children been in a relationship with a full time dad?

[iamkaylee]

How old are the kids? Sounds like the fun little monster age

 

Have a talk with your BF and let him know that while you love his kids to death, you don't know how to handle it and your house is just not kid friendly. Ask him to give you a hand with kid friendly things (cups, plates, food, cabinet locks, etc) for your house. If you really cant handle it, suggest going out to eat, make easy meals like burgers and dogs, or you just go to his place when he has the kids.

[Silverbirch]

Yes, I think if you invite them to your place for dinner then you should be prepared to provide kid friendly food. I personally have chosen not to be with a partner who has children living at home (my ex had teenagers and the daughter caused him a lot of grief). In some ways, the younger kids are easier than teenagers. This is obviously difficult for you, and it may be that there isn't going to be a future in a relationship for you and him on account of him having children.

[nbr]

As a guy with kids, if I was dating I would appreciate (or at least accept) polite and genuine directness about my kids.

Talk to him. Tell him the things that bug you and explain you know they shouldn't bug you, but you don't know how to handle it because you never have had to before.

 

depending on the relationship he can provide some of the kid friendly stuff. When we visit non kid friendly family (not kid hostile, but they've never had kids and are in their 50's) we bring snacks and juice boxes for our kids.

-nbr

[RedDress]

Hmm... go to his place instead? I'm assuming these kids are toddler-age.

 

For the baking chocolate, I kind of have to wonder why the kids weren't being supervised? This would kind of leave a bad taste in my mouth in terms of his parenting skills. Why wasn't someone (he) saying "no"? You can't really blame the young child for exploring... that's what kids do.

 

As far as kid-friendly food... do you really not have a jar of peanut butter and bread in the house? Or crackers and cheese? Or cheese and bread? Or plain, dry pasta? I'm surprised. You don't have to pack kid-marketed food to have "kid-friendly" food in the house. They usually eat the most basic of staples. And since when is water not good enough? I have to wonder if it's his standards and expectations that are too high... or if you just feel bad about not having kid-marketed snacks and juice in the house (which you most definitely don't need to have).

 

If he's expecting YOU to watch the kids (and is oblivious) and expecting YOU to have kid-marketed stuff, he's living on a cloud. If the kids are just quick little buggers and you simply feel bad about not having kiddie-o's in the house... well... maybe your own expectations are too high.

[im sandra dee]

The kids are not that young. They are 12 and 13 years of age.

 

The last time he came over with them, he called an hour before to let me know. I had not shopped for myself and did not have time to go out and shop for them at the last minute. I had some food and beverages which I shared but it wasn't enough for them and it was obvious to me that they weren't too happy that I did not provide as I had in the past. I am just so tired of being expected to take care of them. He is their dad. He really should be the one to think to provide what they like. Not me.

 

Good question about water. It is good enough for me and I prefer water over anything else. If I don't buy juice or pop for myself then they really shouldn't expect me to buy it for them.

[DN]

I think you should probably look for someone without children.

[RedDress]

The kids are not that young. They are 12 and 13 years of age.

 

That changes everything.

 

At 12-13, these children should have manners. At this stage in the game, they should understand that it's not ok to go rummaging through people's cupboards and fridge. That's flat-out rude. And to create a mess like that? They should be cleaning it up. I really think you need to confront your guy about this. This is not ok.

 

For the food and beverages... I have a couple of thoughts...

 

1) If you didn't have the food, maybe you could have explained the situation (that you hadn't done groceries yet) and asked to go out.

 

2) Moody teenagers are moody teenagers. At this age, they can start to cop an attitude. I wouldn't take it overly personally - as long as this attitude was ONLY coming from the kids (and not him). I mean... after all... they themselves may not have been thrilled about being there in the first place... and then you don't have stuff they like to do or food they like... kinda sucks for them, I guess.

 

3) I wouldn't go out of my way to stock food they like (at 12-13 they can manage their hunger and not cry like an infant would or make due with whatever you have to tide their hunger)... but... just speaking from my own life... if you think that this relationship might be long term... hey! Is it really that much to stash a 12-can pack of iced tea (some people call it "sweet tea") or soda or something? I don't drink iced (or "sweet") tea (I hate it) - but I know a number of my frequent visitors do like it (my ex previously, my family, friends, etc) - so I have a case (not cold) stashed away. It basically keeps forever, it's good for multiple visitors and it's $5. Maybe something to consider...

 

... but I definitely agree that at this age, your guy should have been more on this. Not you.

[iamkaylee]

100% agreement here! Time to say something to dad about the kids. If he's going to bring them over, he should expect them to get bored and not have a good time. Also, the food thing. If you're not providing enough, he can bring some with him. Kids that age are hitting the eat you out of house and home stage. Your grocery budget can quadruple with two teenagers.

[metrogirl]

I think you should probably look for someone without children.

 

Exactly what I was thinking.

[abitbroken]

When I read your first post, I thought these kids were maybe 3 and 5 years old = not preteens!

 

With preteens, I don't think you should have to buy "kid friendly" items. At this age, they are eating adult food and if they insist on Mac and Cheese and pizza, then they are at a stage where they expand their horizons.

 

I think that you need to have a convo with your boyfriend - that while you like his kids, they spilled cocoa all over the bathroom, etc. When they are in your house, you have certain house rules. Your boyfriend gets the choice of enforcing them, or you will let the kids know what is acceptable in your house. BTW, you ARE the ruler of the house. And be clear they are not allowed to rifle through your drawers and pantries otherwise they won't be welcome.

 

I think that you invite your boyfriend AND his kids to your house for dinner at regular intervals, but insist on alone time "how about we have you and the kids for dinner one day, and then on a certain day its date night - perhaps your mother/college age neighbor would be willing to be in charge for a few hours."

 

When he is going to bring them over unexpectedly, why not say "well, I have a great steak dinner here. I am sure they will like it."

If they don't like it, they are welcome to making toast.

 

I think that the key is that they are either testing YOUR patience and boundaries and you need to put your foot down with your guests in their house, or your boyfriend is an ineffective father and these kids are unruly monsters.

[abitbroken]

BTW

[im sandra dee]

I think his problem is that he doesn't want to impose any rules on his children. He told me a bit about the problems he had with his ex-girlfriend. He claims that she didn't accept his children. I actually spoke to her and she claimed that his children have no manners. I would not disagree with her.

 

I want to set rules and be able to articulate my rules of the house: do not go into my ensuite bathroom, do not go into my bedroom, do not open my refrigerator or pantry, do not eat or drink in front of the tv, do not eat or drink at the dining room table, if thirsty or hunger, ask me for a drink or snack or better yet wait until I offer something as I would most definitely do if my rules are being respected. Seriously why is it is hard for them to have rules? Would the perception be that I don't accept them? That is wrong. I accept them but I don't accept their bad manners.

[iamkaylee]

Your house, your rules. Those kids are way old enough to understand that and respect it. So is their dad.

[abitbroken]

You know what - the next time they mess something up and you catch it before they leave, say hey kids, it looks like you spilled cocoa in my hallway - let's clean it up" And if they participate, that's good, but if they do not, then you have your answer.

 

I would tell your boyfriend that his kids are welcome. However, you will not allow them to spill cocoa in the bathroom or to go into your bedroom at all. There are rules at your house and if they don't follow them then they don't get to come over until they will follow them.

[Silverbirch]

OMG, I assumed they must be pre-schoolers as well. This is NOT looking good, especially with what he says about the ex. It does sound like some very poor parenting to me. I think you should RUN and FAST before the teen years kick in because very likely they will become extremely difficult teens.

[im sandra dee]

I want them to follow rules but to simply state my rules and expect them to understand when they've never had rules before may be setting my expectations too high. So what I am thinking I might do is the following:

 

- put out some snacks such as crackers with cheese, celery, carrots, fruit kebabs, tortilla pinwheels with cream cheese, etc with homemade lemonade or iced tea, make even some homemade cookies AND I tell them these are all the snacks I have so please do NOT open my refrigerator or pantry looking for something different as I have nothing else. No ice cream. No pop. I will have such things on hand for myself. After a few times, they should get the hang of the new way of doing things, I would hope.

[im sandra dee]

OMG, I assumed they must be pre-schoolers as well. This is NOT looking good, especially with what he says about the ex. It does sound like some very poor parenting to me. I think you should RUN and FAST before the teen years kick in because very likely they will become extremely difficult teens.

 

Very poor parenting.

[Fudgie]

They sound like very badly behaved kids. Are you sure you want to be long-term with this guy? With his great daddy skills, it sounds like these kids are gonna end up in juvie or pregnant by the time they hit 18. If they cant follow rules at their age and Daddy makes no effort, you have a recipe for a very bad egg.

[Silverbirch]

Oh, you are bringing back bad memories Sandra Dee! LOL! My exes teenagers were addicted to junk food and ate non-stop. Needless to say, over the 3 years, I saw them both GROW, and I don't mean just in height. I also tried to get them interested in healthier food choices. You would have thought I was trying to get them to eat poison. I don't think you need go to so much trouble for them. I wouldn't even like them in my home if it was me to be honest. Can you just meet them outside of your home and have him over when the kids are away? Are they both boys? If one is a girl, you might be in a for a real run for your money. My exes daughter used to help herself to my clothes and whatever she could. She grew larger than I am and I would find my clothes torn. She even stole my bras and undies. Trust me, you don't want this.

[DN]

My sister had a good way of dealing with her husband's children when they came to stay - she treated them politely and respectfully as she would any other house guest. In return they were expected to behave as polite house-guests. She never tried to discipline them, she left that to their father, but she gave and expected respect. His daughter was a vegetarian and so she would cater to that, just as she would with any other guest who had particular food needs or preferences. That is part of being a good host.

 

I think his children should behave in your house but I also think you need to be less rigid in your thinking. 'My house, my rules', is all very well but you could ease things by being more accommodating than you appear to be. For instance, I don't understand 'not eating at the dining table' nor do I think you are being a particularly good hostess for children by bot buying ice-cream or whatever for them.

 

If you can't or won't relax your rules you will make enemies of his kids, if you haven't already. Which is why I suspect you should look for someone without kids because if you don't like them and they don't like you, the relationship will never work. You can be as 'right' as you want, but the relationship will fall apart. I think you need to insist on things that are eminently reasonable such as not making a mess, or not raiding the fridge, but relax some of your more restrictive rules.

 

I also think some of the comments about their behaviour and his parenting skills are exaggerating the situation. It makes it sounds like their behaviour is criminal whereas most parents recognise that raising children is not that simple especially when there has been a divorce.

[nbr]

I assumed the kids were much younger....

I think DN here is spot on, and I would advise that as to the snacks/fridge thing, you don't make it completely off limits, but place some reasonable limits.

Fridge is not totally off limits, but I'd like it if you ask me for what you want rather than rummaging through it, etc.

Similar things about stuff.

 

For what it's worth, my kids are 7 and 9 and while they are kids, the would have gotten the riot act when we got home if they did anything remotely like this, also you would have a new area rug/bath mat from me rather promptly if the coca doesn't come out (Oxy clean should do the trick by the way).

 

-nbr

[Kaytie]

I have an 8 year old step daughter come over and I also have my niece and nephews over quite regularly. I always buy something for them when they come over. Having said that, though, there is NO WAY my partner would accept her 8 year old making a mess of my house and not cleaning up after herself. I cannot believe his kids are that old and are literally opening your fridge, etc. My step daughter knows better than to do that without asking (even in her own house!). Additionally, she would also never just announce an hour beforehand that they are both coming over. That's just bad manners.

 

I understand the challenges of dating someone with a child - trust me I do. For me personally, if my partner did not discipline her daughter that would be huge for me. Considering we will all likely cohabitate eventually, it is important to be on the same page with parenting. There is no way I would allow rude or disrespectful behaviour to go on without discipline.

 

I would also like to add that my partner also fully understands that if she expects me to be responsible for the welfare of her daughter by looking after her, then I am also entitled to correct her behaviour. She does the bulk of the discipline obviously, but you cannot expect someone to look after your kid and not correct their behaviour. The whole point of correction is consistency accross the board, and not only when Mom or Dad is around.

 

My step daughter and I adore each other and have from day one. We have an awesome relationship that was developed very slowly and with her taking the lead. She usually listens to me more than her bio Mom, but it's taken time and patience to nurture that relationship, and the 100% full support and effort of my partner (the most important aspect in blending families).

[abitbroken]

I understand putting reasonable snacks in the house, but I think that she is totally allowed to forbid them from her bedroom - they could be going through her drawers, etc, you never know. And really...the cocoa in the hallway is extreme. If they were just leaving dribbles near the faucet when they shook their hands, then she needs to lighten up = but these kids need Nanny 911. It is apparent that their father doesn't care.

 

Also, if he sees no problem with them, I wonder what else he turns a blind eye to in life.

 

Is he overwhelmed or does he jsut not give a crap?