Sticky Situation, Advice needed

[mnuttster]

Ok, well as everyone probably already has read some of my posts about my ex gf/fiance and how we broke up in july. I have a new situation. Her and I started talking again on tuesday and we have been doing the snuggly thing and talking about possibly giving us another go. I have told her about all the things ive done to better myself and that ive gone on dates with other girls (which she seems kinda jealous of), she is kinda reserved about getting back together cuz she wants me to prove with my actions rather than my words. she has said that she wants to work on being friends first and then she will consider giving us another go. but for the last two days she has called me and asked to hang out with me and all sorts of stuff that she did when we were together. we have flirted and even layed in each others arms. she has told me that she just needs "time". i need some advice, what should i do because i feel so close to her and i getting back together and im getting anxious. its tough because i want to have that moment where we get back together and for us to kiss and feel that amazing feeling again. it seems like she really isnt that serious with this other guy and that i have the upper hand because she keeps coming back to me and that she shows so much more interest in me than this other guy these past few days. what should i do? i need some expert advice on what i should or shouldnt do?

[Beec]

So the question you are asking is how you get her back and away from him? Is that right?

 

Well, you can try to understand what you are doing and why people fall for certain people, i.e. we go for those who give us emotional fulfillment, make us feel special, while remaining aloof and independent. We don't go for thsoe who we can have whenever we want, we want what we cannot or might not be able to have. And that you need to turn the emotional fulfillment on and off, which means sometimes you have to have a bit of a cold shoulder. Most of all you must pay attention to how she feels, and play to that. I call this seduction. It's a hard game to play with an ex, and you need to be a cool cucumber to play it.

[cassiana]

It sounds like she needs to rebuild her trust in you. You need to show her you mean what you say and this isn't a show that will be forgotten as soon as you have her back. If it is, then the next time she wont come back to you if she has any sense. So be sure you want her, that the changes you made are permanent and that you will work patiently on the relationship. Take your time.

[bzborow1]

I'm going to agree with Beec 100% on this one. You need to show her that you ARE a catch, you've changed, and that having you is an opportunity. Which means don't always be available to her. For example she may call and say, "lez go out tonight"....u could just tell her you're busy, and tell her in a few days. Remember, give her the gift of missing you a little bit.

[Day_Walker]

Im not sure if you can present a new side of you because she obviously knows how you act. When you all of a sudden change it sends up a red flag. You need to realize that this "amazing feeling" you had when you were with her, doesnt come from her. You create that feeling yourself, fundamentally you need to realize that she is not the source of this amazing feeling. You have given her all the power in the relationship which means you have none, being in that type of situation isnt beneficial especially for you. It seems that you have become somewhat dependent on this girl. Thats cannot be healthy, thereforeeee I am going to suggest that you let this one go, once you have lost this kind of power in a relationship she is going to do nothing but walk all over you.

[mnuttster]

i thank everyone for their advice. but what am i supposed to do if i feel this girl is the one that i could be with for the rest of my life. yea, we did have mistakes but we are young and still figuring out who we are, but in my heart i feel that she is the one. I have gone on dates with 3 or 4 girls since we broke up and none of them bring anything close to the happiness she brought me. It is hard because I am not sure what to do because it seems like she says that she wants to give us another try, but that she is afraid that things will be the same as they used to be and that she needs time to trust me again. I just dont understand how she can say these things and then just be standofish when it comes to holding each other and hanging out with me, if she does want to try and give us another try. It sucks because I feel confused and dont want to keep asking her whats going on with us because I bet it just pushes her away more every time i ask her. I know I should play it cool and let her miss me, but at the same time I feel that I am so close to patching things up with her that its hard to not want to call her or ask her to hang out. Is there anyone out there that has gone through this and has worked out with their ex? I dont think i should give it up because I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice that she wants to be with me, but there is just something that is holding her back. Any help is welcomed and I appreciate everything people have to say Thank you.

[Beec]

If you showed her an attitude that:

 

1. When and if she is ready to try something with let that's serious, she should let you know;

2. That you know it's more when, not if, because she will want to try with you;

3. That in the interim, she and you are free to do as you wish, and hang out, if you both want; and

 

You adopted that attiutde in yourself, she will be much more likely to try. Can't really adopt it, then fake it. And watch, it will work.

[wanger]

I'm in the same situation mate with my ex fiance of 5 years. We split a little over 6 weeks ago, mainly due to apathy and taking each other for granted. Since then have spent so much time talking about where we went wrong, and actually listening for the first time. She says that she still loves me, but the passion is gone, and does want to date to see if we can get the passion back. I believe that she also needs to let me prove to her everything that I have told her. She also wants some time to herself.

 

You can check out my post from about a week ago for the full story, but suffice to say I know what you are going through. See my post for some good advice from another couple of members. I have my first date with her tomorrow. I have found that the more I push her the more she pulls away. I'd advise (and I do find it difficult to do), that you let her know that you would like to try to work things out with her, and that she does have as much space and time as she needs, you'll try not to pressure her, but she's got to accept that you will be healing in that time and possibly your feelings will be change. Let her know you care and want to prove to her that you want to make ammends, but don't allow yourself to be a doormat for her to pick up and put down when she needs. its very easy to become a "security blanket".

 

For your own good, don't leave yourself in a position where you are waiting for a call back, or an email, etc. I believe that there is an element of gameplaying involved. It does not have to be malicious, but if kept low key really can add to the excitment and passion. Occasionally tell her that you can't meet and that you will call her to rearange. All the best m8.

[Beec]

I'd advise (and I do find it difficult to do), that you let her know that you would like to try to work things out with her, and that she does have as much space and time as she needs, you'll try not to pressure her, but she's got to accept that you will be healing in that time and possibly your feelings will be change. Let her know you care and want to prove to her that you want to make ammends, but don't allow yourself to be a doormat for her to pick up and put down when she needs. its very easy to become a "security blanket".

 

I'd disagree a bit. I'd disagree with this about letting her know you really want to make prove something to her to get her back. I'd advise you to look lik eit, but be very vague about whether you want it. Show it, don't say it.

 

What I would recommend saying is something along the lines of letting her know that if you cannot do it right, then you shouldn't bother. In other words something like:

 

"If we get back together, and that's if, I think we need to be sure that we can do better than we did. That we can do it right and not end up back here again. If we are going to end up in this position, let it be now."

 

Use your own words. Be vague about what you want, but don't be vague about whanting the relationship to be a good one, if it happens.

[mnuttster]

i thank everyone again for the advice. what is basically going on between us is that she has said she wants to work on our friendship first before we think about getting back together because we never had that when we first went out and she wants us to work out this time if we do decide to get back together and that she feels that we will if we put the time to build up our friendship. I have great confidence in that things will work out for the best and that whatever happens, happens. if she comes back to be with me, awesome, but if not at least i will have an amazing friend that i had that special bond with. but i am still positive that we will get back together but we just need time to work everything back out and to give each other time to build up that trust. so anything you guys feel would help me out is much apprecitated, i just need to let her have space and time (the hardest part of this all)

[wanger]

Go for it mate, but you will be surprised at how strong you will have to be. Even little things like when she puts strangers before you really cut to the bone. Just don't react to things that you don't like.

 

Hope it works out.

[mnuttster]

yea definitely gonna be hard, but thank you for the advice. i am starting today to let her come to me when she wants and so i can give her the time/space she has always asked for. it stinks because i was running yesterday and saw her at her work, so i stopped in to say hi, but that was my mistake because i guess i made her feel uncomfortable and asked her to hang out last night, but she was obviously busy (its homecoming at our school and her sorority was obviously doing something). so i hope it wasnt that big of a mistake and that i can start fresh today and let her doing the contacting when she is ready. i even went out with a new friend last night and hung out at a bar, where i got a number and was a hit with this girl. so i mean its not like im not out there trying to meet new people and just waiting around for her to come back. its going to be hard and a lot of work but i think its worth it. it jsut stinks cuz everyone around me, family, friends, her friends, so i dont really have anyone supporting my choice (they all think im dumb because they say im too good for her and that i could do much better) but im following my heart like i always do and this is where i want to go. thanks everyone and keep the advice coming in with my updates

[bzborow1]

if she comes back to be with me, awesome, but if not at least i will have an amazing friend

 

Be very careful that this IS actually what you want. Too many people just blindly arrive at that conclusion before they know how it will REALLY affect them...myself in the past included.

[mnuttster]

well what ive come to the conclusion to do is that im going to let NC go for a couple more days and if she doesnt call me or anything, i am going to email her saying my feelings about her and that she needs to take time to think about what she wants and feels about me. that she can take a few weeks away from me and figure out what she wants with us. i am just wondering for advice on what i should say in the email because i do want to try and gain her back because i love her so much and really want to prove to her that another chance will be different. i just dont know what she did this weekend (being homecoming and she couldve got it on with a million dudes) and so im just trying to keep spirits high and give her more time (i havent talked to her since friday and dont plan on contacting her unless she contacts me) it just seems like she keeps going back and forth and that she is hot and cold a lot with me. any help is appreciated and is needed because days feel like decades these day and it hurts to go through a day knowing i really want to have her back in my life and that i would treat her so much better this time around.

[mnuttster]

well an update is that yesterday i ran into her on accident and to make the story short she got super pissed at me and told me all these hurtful things and that i will never be with her again and what not. she ended the convo with "if you really care about me, let me walk out that door and maybe in a week, month, or year we can talk again as calm people. ok well so i had a breakdown had to go see my counselor and all that, but later on in the evening. i get home and she im's me and says did you see what i wrote in your live journal and i told her no let me go look at it. well i guess she wrote about how she was reading my live journal and it was saying everything that i felt and that if i felt that way that is exactly the person she wanted to be with again. and that all the stuff that had gone wrong in our relationship stinks because all she ever wanted was me and only me. that she could only wait so long and that i deserve better and that i was too good for her like everyone has always said, but i never did think that. well i talked to her and said everything that i had really been meaning to say for the past 3 months since we broke up and told her that i wanted her to be happy overall, even if it was with this new guy, that i felt true love was wanting what made the person you love happy, even if it involves them being with someone else (like this new guy) and then she said that she didnt know if she could trust me again with all the things i have been saying that i would do if we gave us another try. she asked for time to figure out what she wants and i told her to take as much time as she needs to figure out what she wants and that im always here for her and whenever she is ready, she knows where to find me. now i know people are going to tell me that this is the wrong thing to do, but what i am going to do is not wait around, i am going to work on myself and even look around to make sure that she is what i really want in my life. then i will set dates on which i will figure out if things have gotten worse or better since her and i talked. and then i will make a decision on what i should do with myself at that time. i am feeling that for all the times she has come back, that she really does want to be with me and that all i need to do is be patient this time and wait it out, because if a girl keeps coming back even after she is with someone else doesnt it mean that she still loves you and has those feelings for you? i just feel that i have the upper hand and even this guy she is seeing is thinking about getting back together with his ex, so i dont even know if they are going to be together much longer. i am trying to stay strong and just need some good words of advice on what i should do. thank you and anything anyone has to say is welcome.