How to Trust Ex Girlfriend Again (recon about to happen)

[Pleasedonot5]

Hello ENA.

 

If any of you have followed my story, or if you haven't, I would really appreciate some inside tips on reconciliation and what to do because of it. Truth be told, I'm not scared of many things. However, I'm sincerely scared that pursuing another relationship with my ex-girlfriend will end badly (I've had two recons fail shortly after getting back together, with other girls). I feel like I might have issues with trusting her and the way she feels again. I understand that this can be normal, but I also understand that this can ruin reconciled relationships too.

 

Basically, my story made into a few bullet points:

 

*13 month relationship of happines, few weeks of distance, stress, phases, etc. caused her to end the relationship.

*I fixed the parts of me that contributed to the break-up, made my intentions clear, and then said we should go NC. It took her a long while to eventually come around even after fixing the issues, and that's probably why I'm feeling anxious again.

*She wants me back after a few weeks of very LC and seeing a new and improved me.

*We've started contacting each other regularly again.

*We're going to be talking about reconciliation on Thursday.

 

I do want her to improve some of the issues that led to the break-up on her part before I get back together with her though. These include:

 

-Honesty and upfrontness about her feelings. Less "hinting" and sugarcoating her feelings.

-An examination of who her friends are. A lot of them are immature and start drama. She's also now close friends with my ex ex who tried to screw this whole situation up for me, tried to dissuade other girls from pursuing me since the BU, and who is now stringing along one of my best friends. I don't want to be that d-bag who says "it's either her or me," but this is something that really bugs me. Should I even bring it up or should I let it go? I don't know. Any way to say this without making an ass of myself?

 

I also want to feel like she's working for me, but she's the shy type with her feelings. I understand that two people need to work for each other to keep a relationship alive. However, I honestly think that she should be working for me a little more at the moment. Any tips or experiences that people have had with successful/failed recons are also welcome, because I'm not too good at this and need some advice.

 

Most of all, I want to be able to trust her again. Any tips on how to help myself do this are also greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you for reading!

[sadlilchicky]

Honesty- You can bring this up..but don't make it sound as thought you're blaming her. I would just say that you guys as a couple need to work on your communication skills. If there is a non-inflammatory way to site examples, that's fine. If not, wait until it happens again and then CALMLY point it out to her (do this either way..it will be easier for her to see it when she's in the moment).

 

Friends - You have no say in who her friends are. It's controlling. I know it sucks when you don't get along with her friends, but she has a life outside of you. If someone is clearly and deliberately sabotaging your relationship once you're back in one, then yes, you have a right to speak up. But unless that happens, it's not up to you. You have to trust that she will know the truth if her friends say nasty or catty things about you. If she doesn't stick up for you, then she's not right for you anyway.

 

Making her work for you - Women want to be chased and pursued. That may sound anti-feminist, but it's the truth. Don't make her work too hard..you JUST got what you wanted back..I wouldn't ruin it by being too hard on her.

 

Also, and I can't stress this enough, take it SLOW. Resist the urge to jump straight back into a serious relationship or pick up where you left off. You both need to build trust back up and this takes time and effort.

[Pleasedonot5]

I'm not going to blame her or be too harsh, just bring up what I think was an issue in our past relationship that needs to be worked on if we're to get back together. Do you think that honesty about her feelings is too much to ask for during the talk?

 

Yeah, some of her friends bug me, but I try my best to get along with them. I wasn't going to tell her who her friends should be (I reallllllyy am not the controlling type, please don't think I am), but the thing with my other ex-girlfriend really does get to me and that's what I was questioning bringing up for the reasons stated above. You don't think that's a good idea to even say that it makes me uncomfortable or something?

 

Please understand that she dumped me, jumped to a rebound (but it didn't work), and then even after I fixed myself, it took her a few weeks to come around again after I started to move on. In essence, she broke my heart. Shouldn't she be working a little harder (within reason) if she wants to get back with me? I'm at the point where I'm questioning if recon is a good idea. I'm not in panic "I want her back mode," I'm in "I wonder if I should do this. I want to, but is it a good idea?" mode.

 

Yes, I do plan to take it slow though. It's pretty difficult but I think I can pull this part off easier than the others.

 

Thank you for your input. I'm sorry if I sound argumentative, I'm just stressed and am trying to figure out what I should do haha

[Roka]

My now ex and I reconciled only to break up again after 3 months. Looking back now, it was great we started slow enjoying dinners catching up

 

laughing etc...

 

Now I wish I would of stood my ground when she suggested we "jump" right back into a serious relationship. I knew we hadn't resolved much of the

 

past issues so I felt it wasn't a good idea to pick up where we left off. Of course after a few months all the old baggage came back and ultimately

 

ruined the relationship. I'm not sure of your dynamic with each other but if your instincts tell you something is amiss, listen to them and

 

gently explain that there are things the two of you need to talk about. i wish i would have followed these steps we would still be together

 

if we didn't sweep it all under the rug and try to start fresh while all the baggage was ready to explode at any moment.

 

good luck...

[camus154]

Please understand that she dumped me, jumped to a rebound (but it didn't work), and then even after I fixed myself, it took her a few weeks to come around again after I started to move on. In essence, she broke my heart. Shouldn't she be working a little harder (within reason) if she wants to get back with me? I'm at the point where I'm questioning if recon is a good idea. I'm not in panic "I want her back mode," I'm in "I wonder if I should do this. I want to, but is it a good idea?" mode.

 

Not really. She was still the one who broke up with you, remember? She doesn't owe you some amount of effort now because you were more hurt by the break up than she was. And no matter what, the dynamic exists where she implicitly has more power in this situation because, well, she was the dumper, after all.

 

I think what's really happening is now that you've started to move on yourself, you're questioning the wisdom of getting back with this woman who broke your heart, and you're looking for some signs of apology from her end. But those probably won't come because she broke up with you for her own reasons, not to hurt you.

 

Quite frankly, if I were you I'd listen to your own past experience and move on.

[Pleasedonot5]

Roka, yes, I feel I really should make my concerns clear on Thursday. Thank you for your experience. I've had similar things happen to me in the past too and really want to make sure that the same stuff won't happen again if reconciliation occurs.

 

Camus, you've pretty much hit it right on the button. I would disagree with the part where she has more power in the situation, because, like you said, I've started to move on pretty well, but I still do have feelings for her. I do think that we broke up for legitimate reasons, and I understand the whole psychology of a rebound, but after the issues were fixed and I'd improved myself for her, I was still shut down. Had we gotten back together shortly after the improvements had been made apparent, I wouldn't be questioning this as much as I am now. What if her feelings are fickle and this just happens again? I guess I'll never know unless I try to make things work. Thank you for your advice and words of wisdomthough; they are much appreciated.

[Ms Darcy]

Please understand that she dumped me, jumped to a rebound (but it didn't work), and then even after I fixed myself, it took her a few weeks to come around again after I started to move on. In essence, she broke my heart. Shouldn't she be working a little harder (within reason) if she wants to get back with me?

 

I don't think expecting her to work for it is a healthy approach to a reconciliation. You have lost trust ... so it is important to get to know each other again and gain trust outside of an intimate relationship.

[Pleasedonot5]

Yes, thank you Ms. Darcy... I'm starting to think that if I'm honest with her about my concerns (esp. the honesty and upfrontness about her feelings) -- and that it will take time to build the trust up again, but if she's willing to work towards it, then I am too -- I think that I might have an easier time gaining the trust back.

 

People always talk about taking things slow again... What exactly does that mean or entail (sexually, intimately, time spent together, etc.)?

[Ms Darcy]

Slow to me means ...

 

No sex. Don't see each other too much. No sex. Don't communicate too much. No sex. Have fun, light dates. No sex.

[Pleasedonot5]

So, sex then?

 

Just kidding haha. Thank you for your insight, Ms. Darcy.

 

That said, is there any set time that we should really wait to become sexually active again? It's not a big issue in my mind, just curious so we don't hit either of the two extremes (too slow/too fast). We also used to text everyday when we first started dating. Is that still a no-go do you think?

[mhowe]

Agree w/ Ms Darcy. You will know when the time is right to become intimate again...

 

And stop texting every day -- don't see each other every day. Have a life --- the relationship should be an addition, not the focus.

[Pleasedonot5]

In today's society it's difficult to not text everyday haha. Thank you though for your advice.

 

But I will keep it toned down, within reason. I really do see now how things go better when the relationship is a healthy, good addition instead of the main focus. When I got to the point where I could see myself without her, improved my life so that I would be alright without her in it, and healed myself, she started to come back.

 

The recon talk went over very smoothly today, by the way. She was nervous but she actually brought the talk up about how she wanted to work things out, much to my surprise. We talked about our issues and apprehensions and about how we were feeling (she said she understood my concerns), and we agreed to take small baby steps and to get to know each other again before getting back together. We goofed around and talked after lunch for a while, and then kissed goodbye (which has never happened post-BU). We have vacations scheduled for a while and we plan on seeing each other more when we get back from them on August 25th. Never thought I would be in this position. I'm happy about this -- things are looking up

[Pleasedonot5]

I can't help myself from feeling a tad bit of anxiety now and then and reading too far into the way we interact though. It probably is just my insecurities at play, but i'm really worried that I've said something or that I will say something to screw everything up now that things are looking up again. It's difficult for me to trust that her feelings aren't fickle.

 

In the same way I know that I'm a prize and that I could get with girls who want me for me and who aren't half bad either... it's just... ahhh, I don't know the words to describe it. The ex and I are most likely hanging out tomorrow, just swimming and chillin' over at my place for a few hours, but then we go on vacations 'till the 25th of August. Just a little confused over here because she's throwing out mixed signals on how to act (and I probably am too, speaking of which).