What do you think happened? Break up over a can of coke?

[goodheartlady]

Fresh from a break up at 4pm. Your comments really appreciated. I have been dating some one for more than a year. He is in his 30's.

 

This Friday, he got upset with me when I placed the wrong order for dinner online (I forgot to order a coke for him). He said I am "like a toddler" and he can't "depend on me to do anything right." I got very sad and left. He gets angry at times and that has been a problem for us. We did not speak on Saturday. Today, I asked to talk, and he came to my place. He had a bag in his hand, and I asked, "what's that?" He said, "I noticed that your stuff has been accumulating in my place and I thought you wanted them back."

 

He then said that I was the best person that he has ever met, but he does better with a stronger person. He feels like he pushes me but I don't fight back. He says we have been together for a year and he still feel like he is "dating" me, and there is an awkwardness to our day to day interaction. I don't like the same things that he does (i.e. football, cowboy movies, etc). I asked him what we should do, he says he doesn't know.

 

I told me that I loved him with all my heart, but I can not be with someone who is not 100% sure about me. He says he understands. I told him that we should go our separate ways and he did not say anything.

 

I loved this person very much, and am very sad that he is gone. I would have fought for him, but at the end of the day, he did not think I was worth fighting for. It is very sad when you put your heart into something, and you are left alone at the end of the day not knowing that happened.

 

Just spoke to a friend who knows us both. He is a little shocked and he was like "Alison you have to go and fight for him. You guys seemed so happy." But how do I fight for someone who just gave me all my stuff back?

[einsteins_girl]

First, I have to say, "Good for you!" He may think he "does better with a stronger person," but you seemed pretty strong to me for leaving when he said those uncalled for things to you and for ending things when he was wishy-washy with you. To me, that shows a lot of strength.

 

This guy is being ridiculous, but I'll say that it wasn't about the Coke. I think he's using that as an excuse. When my ex and I broke up 6 months ago, I ended things because he told me I was "useless" because I didn't move a box to the garage and because I didn't drive us to dinner the night before. This sounds a lot like your ex, doesn't it? My ex never called me a toddler, but he called me similar things. He also told me, like yours, that we didn't have enough in common.

 

Honestly, I think you are better off without this guy. I was with my ex for 6 years. You've done in one what I couldn't do in those 6. You can find someone better than this guy. Trust me. He sounds a little emotionally abusive, and I suspect that would only get worse with time.

[annie24]

Hi Alison - maybe - and i could be easily wrong here, but maybe you two are just too different? when he started yelling at you about the can of coke (or other things) - maybe he wanted you to bark right back at him and 'put him in his place.' i dunno - some guys are like that. vs. someone like you or me, if a guy yelled at me because i forgot his coke, i would look at him really strange and probably walk away - figure he was in a bad mood and to leave him alone? maybe it's just differing relationship styles?

 

in any case, i think he sounds kind of horrid and immature. instead of talking things out like adults, he picks on something about you and makes a huge fuss over it and breaks up. so i think you were right in breaking up. maybe there is some woman out there who will give him lip when he yells at her over the coke, and they can watch cowboy movies together, ok. whatever.

[DN]

I think you would have done better to have talked this through. I suspect that is what he really wanted - he should have said so of course but sometimes people don't.

[goodheartlady]

It is difficult to talk things through when you are handed a garbage bag with all your things in it. There is no clearer sign than that.

[goodheartlady]

annie - Good point. my girl friend is going through a break up with a guy, who says that they are too similar. they are both really intense and strong people and they butt head all the time. I completely see your point, but I think there is no love (not enough of it) underneath it all, neither too similar or too different makes a difference.

[DN]

It is difficult to talk things through when you are handed a garbage bag with all your things in it. There is no clearer sign than that.

Think about what he said though.

"I noticed that your stuff has been accumulating in my place and I thought you wanted them back."

Not "I am breaking up with you so here's your stuff."

 

That was subsequent to you leaving after the argument.

[Ms Darcy]

From what you say, it sounds like he was looking for someone who is a different person from who you are. If so, then let him go. I am really sorry for your pain. I suspect he picked a fight because of his lack of love for you. As you heal, you will have time to reflect on who you are and what you want out of life.

[BoxerShorts]

I broke up with my first boyfriend over french fries... Funny when I think about it now but it was a culmination of other things that had bundled up and eventually led up that that french fries fiasco. He was short of pathetic and extremenly whiny... and after 3 years I just got tired of it all...

 

I am not saying that you are but I'm sure it goes deeper than that... Hope you we're able to sort whatever the real reason was...

[mhowe]

Of course, this isn't about the can of coke.

 

It is about 2 different styles of communicating -- and it is about the little stuff -- and the big stuff. Like instead of telling him his comment was unnecessary, you left. The apartment.

 

And you seem to "threaten" to break up -- to get a reaction.

 

I don't agree w/ your friend -- you essentially broke up w/ him. And he has said that your day to day interactions are still awkward after a year --- it doesn't seem like a good match.

[annie24]

Just curious - you said he gets very angry sometimes. What else does he get angry about and how did you react?

[goodheartlady]

Just curious - you said he gets very angry sometimes. What else does he get angry about and how did you react?

 

They tend to be very little things on the day to day basis, but he gets quite upset. He would afterwards apologize and say that he grew up with a very angry father. Examples are mundane things: A train is delayed, I forget to bring something on a trip, etc. He would raise his voice and start recounting all the things I have done in the past that were also "mistakes." This really upsets me, and I tend to just cry and apologize. A therapiest that I work with tells me to remove myself from the situation. No need to stand there and listen to his words when nothing I say can change the course of his anger.

[goodheartlady]

Update. He sent me a very long text today. He said he and I have basic compatibility issues that he has concerns about. He said I do not have fun (i.e nightclubbing, etc). He also said that I am too "soft" for him. He does not want to hear me apologize for things. he wants me to argue and debate with him so he knows how I am thinking. He also said that he doesn't ever remember seeing me laugh. I don't like professional sports. He likes to drink and I drink very little. The list goes on.

 

I think all of you are right that he just does not want to date me.

[annie24]

They tend to be very little things on the day to day basis, but he gets quite upset. He would afterwards apologize and say that he grew up with a very angry father. Examples are mundane things: A train is delayed, I forget to bring something on a trip, etc. He would raise his voice and start recounting all the things I have done in the past that were also "mistakes." This really upsets me, and I tend to just cry and apologize. A therapiest that I work with tells me to remove myself from the situation. No need to stand there and listen to his words when nothing I say can change the course of his anger.

 

Yes, one option you have is to remove yourself from the situation. Much like ignoring a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. The other thing you could have done is to confront him and say, "hey you are being a jerk. It's just a can of soda, I made a mistake, here's 75 cents, go buy your own soda!!!" I guess he wants someone with that kind of a style. But do you really want to be with a man who needs to be told to not act like a toddler? (he's the toddler, not you.)

[Ms Darcy]

That text is the clear signal he doesn't want to date you. Ignore and move on hon.

[LAYAAN]

I know nothing about you two outside this post. Strictly based on what you wrote, I would doubt that I would want to be with someone who gets upset over someone forgetting to get a can of coke for him and says all those things (Vs someone forgetting to lock the house. Even then I wouldn't say that its okay to say what he said). This is fairly late in the dating game. You have been together for a year. He is no longer on his best behavior. This is who he is in real life when he is no longer trying to woo you. Chances are high that he will continue to be like this for the rest of the relationship.

 

I may be like you, but early in the relationship. I don't react right away. I won't say nasty stuff back to the person who is already this upset if I don't know him. If I've been with him for a year, I won't take this. I won't create a scene in a public place, but I will definitely make it known that I don't appreciate being talked to like this. You have to and can stand up for yourself in a respectable manner.

 

I normally don't break up over just one episode or one thing. I normally stay in the relationship long enough to see a pattern of behavior. This is to give the other person a few opportunities to show himself.

 

Your post asks... breakup over a can of coke? I would say "sure!... if you have had enough." You are not breaking up over a can of coke. Its all that went in before that and what behaviors are demonstrated.

 

Good luck, stay strong.

[toby17]

I feel for both of you.

 

Getting upset about coke sounds ridiculous but it reminded me of an ex I used to have. She used to do a bunch of dumb little things that you couldn't/shouldn't be upset about. But years later I realised she also deliberately "forgot" bigger things as well as a form of passive aggressiveness.

 

That's not meant to be a dig at you, just an explanation.

 

In the end, it doesn't sound like you two are compatible.

 

I get the impression that both of you care about each other but don't know how to get through to the other. And this is the point at which many relationships fail - when you can't figure out how to navigate your differences. Open, honest communication might help but neither of you is doing that.

 

In the end, I suppose it's easier to break-up and hope someone out there is better suited to you.

[Lonewing]

A coke? For crying out loud, you are worth far more than a coke.

 

Update. He sent me a very long text today. He said he and I have basic compatibility issues that he has concerns about. He said I do not have fun (i.e nightclubbing, etc). He also said that I am too "soft" for him. He does not want to hear me apologize for things. he wants me to argue and debate with him so he knows how I am thinking. He also said that he doesn't ever remember seeing me laugh. I don't like professional sports. He likes to drink and I drink very little. The list goes on.

 

I think all of you are right that he just does not want to date me.

 

He sounds like my Ex, you sound like me...heck, he even has the OCD minimalist tendency of noticing accumulation...

 

No, I think this breakup is a blessing. You're now free to find a real man...one who brings you a coke when he realizes he doesn't have one himself...speaking of which, such a real man sounds just like my grandpa. Afterawhile dessert at my grandparents is his tradition, he hits it out of the park almost every time I'm there!

 

I think you will be wise to realize that no matter what he ends up thinking, YOU don't want to date HIM!

[FYI]

Think about what he said though. Not "I am breaking up with you so here's your stuff."

 

That was subsequent to you leaving after the argument.

 

I'm not so sure about that, who hands their partner their things in a garbage bag? And who flips out at their partner over a can of soda? Worst of all, he's not even sure about the relationship. If there's something else wrong then he needs to put that out there. Right now, he's being a big baby. So I'm going to hold him accountable for being the King Kong in this relationship.

[DN]

When something like this happens. too often people look at that incident in isolation and don't look at what led up to it. It's all very well using terms like 'King Kong' and 'big baby' but how can that help anyone. If the relationship is to be fixed people need to stop using pejorative terms and try to find out what motivated the break, what the actions and words actually mean rather than making assumptions.

[FYI]

When something like this happens. too often people look at that incident in isolation and don't look at what led up to it. It's all very well using terms like 'King Kong' and 'big baby' but how can that help anyone. If the relationship is to be fixed people need to stop using pejorative terms and try to find out what motivated the break, what the actions and words actually mean rather than making assumptions.

 

Dn, I respect that, but I also think that based on the information provided by the OP there isn't really much else that needs to be deciphered here. There is definitely a breakdown in communication and I think that breakdown is the result of the her boyfriend's lack of maturity. Because saying things (as she quoted) such as "you're too soft" or "you never do anything right" or his constant need to debate, argue and put down the OP. It doesn't get anymore clear than that. Like the whole garbage bag thing; stuffing her belongings into a trash bag and handing them to her. Is that really a nice way to ask your partner to remove these items from his place? I would hope not. What I'm saying is that, there's enough information that's been provided on this thread (thus far) by the OP which shows that her boyfriend ain't quite all there. So I'm just not sure what else we would really need to understand or know about what motivated a break. It's crystal-clear what motivated the break. Her boyfriend.

[DN]

Not enough backstory - why does he say those things? What led up to them? Has he got a point? What does he actually want now - because that is certainly not clear, although some people seem to think they know.

[goodheartlady]

Hi all, I am the OP, and thank you very much for your feedback. My ex boyfriend mentioned a long list of various things that exemplifies our incompatibilities. I have always been the same person, and many of things never bothered him before. I am confused as well as well why they are now issues of concern (i.e. I don't pay attention to professional sports). I love him very much, but I feel like the core issue is this: he is looking for someone that is not I. There is nothing I can do about it.

[goodheartlady]

P.S. with some reflection: my ex has had the issue for some time that he has very angry or aggrivated over little things. I had thought it was work stress. Now I think it was his way of telling me that he was unhappy with our relationship. I should have investigated that more but I did not correlated that anger to the right cause at the time. Once again, he handed me my things in a garbage bag after a one year relationship. No matter how much I love him, it is very much over and I can't undo anything.

[annie24]

Hi all, I am the OP, and thank you very much for your feedback. My ex boyfriend mentioned a long list of various things that exemplifies our incompatibilities. I have always been the same person, and many of things never bothered him before. I am confused as well as well why they are now issues of concern (i.e. I don't pay attention to professional sports). I love him very much, but I feel like the core issue is this: he is looking for someone that is not I. There is nothing I can do about it.

 

Im sorry. I do agree that he's looking for someone else. But of course, if he wanted a girl who is into professional sports or whatnot, why did he keep dating you for a year? Scared to be alone? Obviously, he was thinking if breaking up way before the coke can and garbage bag.

 

This isn't to say you aren't a great catch, probably just not compatible. Some people thrive off of drama which is I'm guessing his style.