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He won't be fb friends with me?

lilsmc

By lilsmc
in Relationship Advice

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FairyGodmother Enthusiast

FairyGodmother

Posted
Posted
Why is it odd? It's just a personal preference, like choosing chocolate over vanilla.

 

vs.

 

It's odd because it isn't a preference of taste like chocolate vs. vanilla, it's a choice that he is making.

 

Well... not it's not odd because as we both stated it's a choice. And his choice has nothing to do with her importance; this choice stems from a want of privacy. You don't have to become one blob instead of two people when you are in a relationship (in fact the lack of separation between people in a relationship is very unhealthy and often leads to break-up). He is not choosing to start drama, because obviously no one wants problems - it is obviously a case of his gf and him having differing ideology about personal profiles. Again, he may just want to have a life of his own without his gf constantly spying on his interaction with friends through his facebook profile. She needs to stop being insecure, and accept that she can't monitor over everything he does 24/7.

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petite Rising Star

petite

Posted
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But it is odd in my opinion and that's all I am stating, to you it isn't.

 

One doesn't necessarily choose an ice cream flavor, they could very well not like the taste if one flavor,ntherefore it isn't a choice, it's a preference.

 

If he wants privacy then he shouldn't be on Facebook at all, and if he is hiding hid Facebook because essentiall that's what it is from the girl he is dating then he shouldn't be with her.

 

No one said that two people must become "blobs" as you put it, but they also don't have to hide certain things. Privacy is subjective for everyone, but on Facebook nothing is private because as soon as you post anything it no longer belong to you. And if he so chooses to be private with his girlfriend regarding Facebook but not his friends maybe he doesn't need a girlfriend, essentially she is a friend too not just a girlfriend.

 

She isn't trying to monitor him, I don't see how you're coming to that conclusion, it isn't like she is asking to his passwords or private emails.

 

And the fact that they met on a dating site and she doesn't know much about him is even a bigger red flag.

 

OP, I would simply send him a request if he doesn't accept within a few days bring it up again and if he doesn't want to add you, then you should consider your next step, because this guy seems shifty, at least from where I am sitting. For all you know, he could be engaged, married, have a girlfriend and that's why he doesn't want you on Facebook. Stand your ground.

 

 

 

vs.

 

 

Well... not it's not odd because as we both stated it's a choice. And his choice has nothing to do with her importance; this choice stems from a want of privacy. You don't have to become one blob instead of two people when you are in a relationship (in fact the lack of separation between people in a relationship is very unhealthy and often leads to break-up). He is not choosing to start drama, because obviously no one wants problems - it is obviously a case of his gf and him having differing ideology about personal profiles. Again, he may just want to have a life of his own without his gf constantly spying on his interaction with friends through his facebook profile. She needs to stop being insecure, and accept that she can't monitor over everything he does 24/7.

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Gilson Enthusiast

Gilson

Posted
Posted
( i almost feel silly writing this because as I am writing...I am answering my own questions..what am I doing with someone I dont know much about?)

 

A Lot of my doubts arise from the fact that we met through a dating website?...

 

I met my recent ex of 9 months on Match.

 

Since the breakup, even after 9 months I've realised she was still always "on", as in, putting up appearances, to an extent. Not quite always 100% genuine.

 

You have to realise that people have a life before we meet them. It's actually interesting and a bit scarey to look at a new SO's facebook and look back through the years. For example, my recent ex's date of marriage is still on her FB. Comments about her husband when things were still good, comments about home renovations, job changes, and etc. But at the same time, it serves no good purpose.

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camus154 Mentor

camus154

Posted
Posted

He doesn't want to friend you because he's smart. He knows that the next step is questioning who he's friends with, the women who post on his wall, the jealousy that will inevitably arise, the questions about why he doesn't have such and such picture posted with the two of you in it, the meaning of this or that status that he posted while away from you, etc.

 

Most people today start using Facebook to micromanage, control, and second-guess the goings-on of their partners. You see it all the time here in the forums. The amount of Facebook-related posts here are astounding.

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

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I see your point Camus. However, if she is a chill girlfriend and they have an open and honest relationship, there is no reason for him to not add her (if he adds people he doesn't know well.) if he's not doing anything shady, then there should be no problem, right.......?

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camus154 Mentor

camus154

Posted
Posted
I see your point Camus. However, if she is a chill girlfriend and they have an open and honest relationship, there is no reason for him to not add her (if he adds people he doesn't know well.) if he's not doing anything shady, then there should be no problem, right.......?

 

Is it really fair to say "If you won't add me, then you're hiding something"?

 

We've already seen one very good reason--to prevent unnecessary drama. No matter how chill of a girlfriend the OP might be, she's still here asking the FB question to begin with. It's not a stretch to see how FB drama could ensue.

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SuzieQue Rookie

SuzieQue

Posted
Posted

I don't understand where all of this Facebook drama comes in. I am friends with my boyfriend on Facebook, and never have we had any problems with jealousy.

As a matter of fact, I don't think I can recall having Facebook drama with anyone... It all seems a little immature. I mean, who's to say that cell phones don't cause drama? The person who gets suspicious of a Facebook post will also be suspicious of a text message or call.

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LoveHurts89 Enthusiast

LoveHurts89

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Posted

I have absolutely nothing to hide from my boyfriend and he can use my phone at any given time and go on to Facebook and have a look through. But we are not friends on Facebook. He generally only activates his if he needs to contact a friend. He keeps is deactivated mostly due to his crazy baby mamma. They share too many mutual friends and he doesn't want me caught up in that.

 

Has anybody ever thought of that before accusing the poor guy of being shady? Maybe he has a crazy ex. He may no longer be friends with her, but still friends with mutual friends that'll feed back to her. Maybe he's doing it to protect OP. From DRAMA!!

 

Also, I use Facebook to connect to people far away, or friends who are at uni etc and to share photos. I communicate with my boyfriend throughout the entire day by email, text, whatsapp and telephone calls. With so many channels of communication, I see no need to have him on Facebook to chat when we can do that private.

 

However, this all said, if my SO sent me a friend request, I'd accept without hesitation. But as I say, it's he who protects me.

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camus154 Mentor

camus154

Posted
Posted
So if he's trying to avoid FB drama at all cost maybe he shouldn't have a FB profile at all.

 

Not adding her is causing drama right now but he's still choosing that over adding her and *potentially* having drama. It's a bit questionable as a reason.

 

The drama is coming solely from the OP, not her boyfriend. She's the one questioning the whole FB thing to begin with. She's the one creating the thread. Why are we looking at the boyfriend and saying he should or should not do this or that for her sake, when it's her problem?

 

Take responsibility, OP. It's Facebook. He doesn't want to add you. If you have no other reason not to distrust him, then move on. Otherwise, Facebook is just an example of a bigger issue of trust.

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Miss Firecracker Collaborator

Miss Firecracker

Posted
Posted

I seriously believe a woman in her 60's is mad at me because I didn't LIKE all the posts she made about her grandchild last week. Facebook is a royal PITA! Who has the time to keep LIKING every comment, especially when it gets to be the same thing all the time? I can see how that would cause trouble with a couple too. If you don't LIKE enough, you could be in the doghouse. Dumb, dumb dumb!

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lilsmc Enthusiast

lilsmc

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I asked him "why wont you add me on fb again"

his answer was that "it causes way too much drama and that he knows how much I am on it and doesn't want to see people posting on my wall". He went on by saying that "he doesnt really use it much, only has a few friends and hes had 2 relationships go bad because of fb". "Its nothing personal. Dont worry"

I could have turned it into a big deal but decided not too..

 

I chose to drop the subject and believe what he is telling me. However, later that night I asked him if I could come by to grab my stuff that I had left there the night before. He said yeah sure.

 

I get to his house. He is working on his laptop. He goes upstairs to get my things, RUNS back downstairs and tells me that "he has so much work to catch up on..and two early meetings in the morning" He was hinting me that he wanted to be left alone. uhhh.. He has never done that before.. I mean NEVER! Usually, when i come over.. I end up staying over.

I felt really flustered so I grabbed my things.. and rushed to the door saying "I understand you have work..its okay" and then he goes "i feel bad that i cant hang out with you tonight" again I was like "dont worry about it" OMG! meanwhile, i was a little shocked inside because he is usually the one to always demand I stay over so it was very strange that he acted this way specially on the day that I confronted him about the FB thing.

 

Again- I did not turn this into a big thing as he later on texted me saying he was sorry for cutting me short and that he needed to finish on a project for work. I know what it is like to have to bring work home and all.. but i won't deny the fact that I was a little upset at that. Anyways, thanks for everyone's comments as it all greatly appreciated.

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