lilsmc Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 Hello, The guy I have been dating for over 7+ months now won't even consider being Facebook friends with me. I know it's kind of a Stupid subject but it is starting to bother me as everyone I've told this to tells me that he is probably hiding something from me? I've asked him once "why won't we be fb friends" and his response was "no way, fb causes too much drama" I let it go bc it was at the very beginning but now since I feel our relationship has gotten stronger.. It is starting to bother me. I should also mention that we actually met through an online dating website so this is all new to me. I am very glad we met as he is a great guy in every aspect of the word and treats me extremely well. But Everyone keeps telling me to be cautious specially bc of how we met and also because the fact he won't be my fb friend .. Which happens to be very important. As everyone says "if it's not on fb, it's not official " should I let it go, or should I question him once again? Any advice is greatly appreciated! Link to comment
LoveHurts89 Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 He's absolutely right that it causes drama. I'm the kinda girl where if my SO commented on a girls photo and said it was nice, I'd be completely jealous and unreasonable. There'd be nothing behind his comment but it'd upset me. I'm pretty not bothered about being friends on there and vice versa. I don't need to know his every move. Me going to bed with him every night tells me it'a official. Not a button on a social networking site. Link to comment
Gilson Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 I agree, too much drama. If I could do it over again, my ex and I would never have been friends on FB...or at the very least, not "in a relationship" on FB, and with very strict guidelines. It just gets too many people involved during the relationship and far too many involved incase of a breakup. She used FB against me once or twice by manipulating her relationship status when she didn't get her own way. It's also very difficult when you start to see pictures and tags disappear following a breakup. Also, I'm FB friends with one of her sisters, and it's made her way too easy to contact so that I can vent about the ex. Now since the breakup, I'm checking to see who likes things on her pages and she does the same. It'd hell, but still, I don't want to lose all contact. She's limited what I can see too, which is even worse. I can't see her friends but can see just about anything else. It's bad on so many levels!!! Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 I agree that it can cause drama. But why add everyone else besides the person you have been with for 7 months? Suspicious..... Link to comment
SuzieQue Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 I agree with annie. I mean drama.. how much drama can really come from Facebook? I can understand not wanting the relationship status to be listed, but it does seem like he's hiding things if he won't even accept your friend request. Link to comment
Gilson Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 I agree that it can cause drama. But why add everyone else besides the person you have been with for 7 months? Suspicious..... Having recently come out of a 9 month relationship...hell, it's only 7 months!! Hardly a drop in the bucket. I almost feel silly about being upset about an only 9 month relationship. After only 9 months, it's still basically the honeymoon period. Let the excitement settle a bit and then revisit the FB issue. If my 9 month relationship didn't emcompass so many holidays, etc it might not have been so...important. in 9 months we shared Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYE, my birthday, her birthday, Valentines day...a pretty full year, er, 9 months. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 Well, if he is adding people he met once at a party, but not people he has known for 7 months, I think that is strange. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 As everyone says "if it's not on fb, it's not official " should I let it go, or should I question him once again? What??? I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, but why do you feel the need to post all of your personal business on Facebook? Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 I agree and when I had a Facebook, I didn't add the person I was dating on it. Not that anything weird was going on, but I felt really weird about it after an ex of mine confided he scrolled ALL the way down to like 2006 posts(back when you could) to look for 'incriminating evidence'(why I thought this was ok in the moment, I don't know). And then to boot I kept just hearing all this facebook drama all over the place...Eventually just deleted mine. Link to comment
Gilson Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 Facebook relationships can be like a really REALLY horrible workplace relationship. I don't mind people knowing my personal personal business, but not so much my personal relationship business. ...he says as he tries to embark on a workplace relationship...the first in over 10 years. Link to comment
Blue92 Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 Facebook can cause drama, but you can always defriend anyone who bothers you. That is strange that he doesn't want to befriend you on fb. If facebook is so filled with drama to him then why doesn't he just delete his account in the first place...??? Again strange. Like annie said, why can he be friends with other people on fb but not you? Link to comment
trickykid Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I was on a training course recently and they gave a shocking statistic about the amount of break ups due to failbook, its insane. It does cause a lot of drama. I have two profiles on failbook, a personal and business, my girlfriend is friends with me on both pages, on my personal one I have her as in a reltionship but I hardly use that page, I use the business profile 99% of the time, I dont have myself in a relationship on that page but she is friends with me there and likes almost everything as it comes up. The business profile has caused more arguments than nothing else, due to the nature of the business, I can like stuff or join events and other things without a second thought, I do nothing that I shouldnt be on failbook or anywhere else online, if it was up to me I wouldnt have her as a friend on the business profile to save the arguments but since I want her to trust me I have her there. So I find it strange that he doesnt at least have you down as a friend, but at the same time, I can see his point, it does cause a lot of arguments mostly over nothing too. I have to say though, I would have found it strange if my girlfriend didnt have me as a friend or in a relationship with her. I never actually look at her page and if I see her come online I go off to a different site for a while or do something till shes finished, I know she is the same as me, she doesnt get up to anything that she shouldnt but I have to say if she were to like stuff or make comments or anything it will play on my mind and most likely start a fight, so I find it better not to look or do other stuff when shes online. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 to me if he uses it often ..its sketchy plain and simple...it does cause drama if you let it.... Link to comment
Blue92 Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Yea, if he barely uses the account that's one thing. I wouldn't worry about it then, but if he does, I say it's fishy... Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Maybe he had a really bad experience with a girl on Facebook. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I would find this really unsettling. I would also find it insulting, if he would add almost-strangers but not me, his own girlfriend. Link to comment
FairyGodmother Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I don't think there is a reason to be upset. Personally, I used to be of the opinion that if my boyfriend didn't want to share something with me (be it information about his past, a profile on an account or anything else) I would get very upset, and accuse him of hiding something from me. I later realized that this isn't rational in any way. Just because I am an extroverted person, who wants to share everything with him, doesn't mean he has to be the same way (and if that's a dealbreaker then maybe you should think about ending the relationship because this is something that will follow you forever and infiltrate many aspects of your life). People have a right to privacy, and if for whatever reason he does not feel like showing you his profile on something - be it facebook, myspace, bebo, link removed, or even enotalone, he has a right to that privacy. Don't try to bully him into adding you as a friend, that will only result in either him refusing and you being upset, or him showing you and resenting you for invading his privacy. Either way you can't win. Just relax, and trust him. Why is it such a big deal? Do you have any other legitimate reason to be suspicious? If not, I strongly suggest you drop it. And if it bothers you that much, then break up and find someone who is willing to share that kind of thing with you. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I have Facebook and my husband doesn't. I sort of enjoy having that to myself. Don't even ask why, because I have no good reason. He has access TO my account on his cell and reads my wall comments. But I really like it this way best. I think it's because we have access to each other all day by e-mail and phone and then are together at night, so there is really no reason for us to be Fakebook Friends. Link to comment
petite Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Facebook doesn't cause drama, people cause drama. People need to remember that if they are flirting with others on facebook (or anywhere) that it's just not acceptable, but they also need to control themselves and not get angry when a male/female friends comments on their partner's photo or wall or anything. There is a fine line that shouldn't be crossed. Personally, I think there is no reason for him to not add you, and if he thinks facebook will cause drama then he is afraid of you finding something out. Link to comment
petite Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 . As everyone says "if it's not on fb, it's not official " should I let it go, or should I question him once again? Any advice is greatly appreciated! To me that's just silly, people don't have to post their whole life story on facebook. I have real life friends that aren't even on my facebook, there are lives and friendships outside of facebook. I have a facebook, my fiance had a facebook account and it was an empty wall because he didn't post anything, didn't allow people to post anything, has 2 pictures where you couldn't even see his face from the sun, and he never used it, that's why he deactivated it. I am engaged yet it's not on my facebook, my status is nothing, my friends know I am engaged, I don't have to declare it on facebook or anywhere, just as I don't need to post which high school I went to, which university, where I've worked and where I work, it's just unnecessary to post every detail online. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Maybe he just has business contacts on FB. And maybe he wants your relationship to play out in "real life" and not get into Facebooking eachother. Your relationship is still extremely new also. I am never on Facebook. Most people I know and see in real life are not my FB friends. Far flung relatives that live on the other side of the world or country are on it. ditto my three oldest friends who live over 1200 miles away from me (the closest one) also. I check in once a week or two weeks to keep up with them. My parents, sibling who lives 5 miles from me, my best friend, my boyfriend, cousins who live in my county are definitely not my FB friends, they have no reason to be. Link to comment
petite Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I don't think 7 months is "new" or "little". That's a decent amount of time to be dating someone, and people are usually exclusive after 2-3 months. At this point OP are you referred to as his girlfriend? Is he your boyfriend? I think it's odd that a boyfriend doesn't want his girlfriend on facebook, and adamantly so. Link to comment
FairyGodmother Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Why is it odd? It's just a personal preference, like choosing chocolate over vanilla. If he had lied, told her that he didn't have a facebook and just blocked her that would have been 100 times easier for him since he doesn't want her to be his facebook friend. But instead he was honest with what he wanted, in hopes that she would respect that. Why should he be condemned as suspicious - he hasn't done anything wrong, if anything he has done alot by telling her the truth. Link to comment
petite Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 It's odd because it isn't a preference of taste like chocolate vs. vanilla, it's a choice that he is making. And he is choosing to date her, and do everything else but doesn't feel she is important enough to be on his facebook? That's just odd to me because he says facebook causes drama, yet he is choosing to possibly start drama by making such a big deal out of it because he doesn't want her on his facebook friend list. If distant friends, colleagues, acquaintances, friends are acceptable, why isn't someone he is dating? That's wrong on so many levels. Link to comment
lilsmc Posted July 23, 2012 Author Share Posted July 23, 2012 wow, thank you so much for all your comments! we have been dating for 7 + months and as I mentioned before we are compatible in so many ways. He treats me well and everything is great but I feel like even though we do spend a lot of time together..i Wish i knew more about him.. ( i almost feel silly writing this because as I am writing...I am answering my own questions..what am I doing with someone I dont know much about?) A Lot of my doubts arise from the fact that we met through a dating website? and even after months of talking, i found out he was still on the dating website.. I confronted him about it (almost ended it with him) but he went OUT of his way to get me back and now he no longer has that account. He hasnt given me any reason to think he is doing something behind my back.. I am not saying that I want to be fb friends with him and then like add him as my boyfriend or anything like that.. but i dont get why not? I think it's best to bring back this conversation with him and hear what he has to say this time... Link to comment
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