Public Humiliation as a Discipline Method?

[Pinnacle]

I noticed this has been popular among inner city families. Kid does something bad, parent publicly humiliates the child. A lot of people hate spanking, but a lot of people can attest to the results to.

 

Or better yet if you are a bad parent or bad spouse same thing let's stand you outside naked with a sign telling your sins. Then if you can stand that I guess you can do that to your kids.

 

link removed

 

Like I said, nothing new to see here.

 

Pretty sure public humiliation isn't against the law here. What's a bigger issue in my opinion is a lack of public praise. Where are the parents taking their kids out with a sign saying they just got accepted to Harvard and being like "Honk for Harvard" or something.

[Sim54]

Public humiliation is about hurting the person.

The old adage is you punish the behaviour, not the person.

Humiliation leads to anger and resentment.

Not a good thing for a kid.

[Seraphim]

Public humiliation is about hurting the person.

The old adage is you punish the behaviour, not the person.

Humiliation leads to anger and resentment.

Not a good thing for a kid.

I agree. Causing someone pain does not address behavior.

[OptomisticGirl]

Public humiliation is about hurting the person.

The old adage is you punish the behaviour, not the person.

Humiliation leads to anger and resentment.

Not a good thing for a kid.

 

Children are not glass dolls that will break if you barely knock them against doors. They are far more resilant than most adults think they are...

[charity]

they may be resilient if its a one time thing but if it is repetitive i am sure it would be damaging and would cause anger and resentment towards the parent in the future.

we are not here to control our children. that is not our job. our job is to lead and teach them, not shame them and MAKE them do what we want through fear and shame.

if we are to teach our kids about lying... then we need to teach them from a young age what trust means.

if my kids do something wrong and admit to it, i do thank them for telling me the truth and i do discipline them for what they did wrong.

 

A NATURAL consequence is always more truthful.

 

for example...

 

if they lie- then it means that they have shown me i cannot believe them. so next time they tell me something i may not take their word for it and i will explain that this is because they lied previously.

if they misbehave in the shops- then they cannot come to the shop the next time as their they have shown me that they cannot behave in the shop.

if they show disrespect -then i may not want to speak or play for awhile with them because i am cross. and i always explain this ' i really don't want to talk to you for awhile because you spoke rudely to me and it hurt my feelings''.

 

i think these are all NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of their actions and this is actually what will happen in the big bad world if they do these things when they're older so i believe its a good way of teaching them.

i never force them to say sorry... and yet it always comes of their own accord.

[FairyGodmother]

This video was very helpful.

 

 

 

It basically said you have to teach your children respect, by respecting them, if you want respect in return.

 

Publicly humiliating someone is not respecting them. In fact it is the opposite of that. It is submitting someone to your will just because you are bigger and stronger.

 

And I am still not convinced that a badly acting 12 year old is not the product of bad parenting. If they lie to experiment, I can see that there is nothing the parent can do about it, but then if its something all children do isn't public humiliation a hugely disproportionate response to the "crime"? Obviously if the child continues they have not understood that lying is bad (like optimisticgirl's example where her nephew didn't learn to not pull wires until he got burned with a hair straightener) and a different approach to the explanation needs to be taken.

 

Never in real life will you be made to hold a sign that says "I am a liar" if you are found out. Instead a more real life approach explanation would be more effective. Aka "if you lie to your best friend Sally, she will be so upset she won't want to be your friend anymore, because there won't be any trust" or whatever is age appropriate.

[Moontiger]

Or this other case where the girl had to cut her hair: link removed

 

The point is, kids are DIFFERENT, the same thing isn't going to work for ALL of them. Some kids, all they needs is the "right" parenting (whatever that mean) others need a firmer hand.

[Moontiger]

Other case where the person had to carry a sign admitting their guilt, every weekend, for six years: link removed

[FairyGodmother]

Does a firmer hand include beating your children? Because that is the way this road is heading. This is dangerously close to the fine line between what is okay and what is not.

 

As for those real world examples, they seem to be the exception not the norm. I don't think anyone in here can say they have experienced that as an adult.

[OptomisticGirl]

Or this other case where the girl had to cut her hair: link removed

 

The point is, kids are DIFFERENT, the same thing isn't going to work for ALL of them. Some kids, all they needs is the "right" parenting (whatever that mean) others need a firmer hand.

 

Exactly. There is no 'right' way to parent as long as the child is not being neglected or abused, who am I to comment on another person's method to discipline their kids? Unless you know the children you can not know how they are all the time, you only see a small snippet. I was a very calm child and rarely acted out. My mother always had to tell me no once and I normally always never did what I was trying to again. my nephew knows the meaning of the word no but blatanly ignores it. He doesn't have bad parenting (as my mother is parenting him), it's just who he is going to be.

 

so what you don't see with this picture is how many times has this girl (I just saw this picture on FB. She's not a CHILD she is a young TEENAGER) lied? Was she given repeated talks to know that lying is wrong? What did she lie about? Did the father sit her down afterward?

 

I for one would much rather see a picture like that circulating my FB news feed (a picture of a parent trying to correct their children and putting effort into being a parent) than a picture of a child with bruises and broken bones from a parent who clearly didn't want to take the time to try to be a good parent.

[OptomisticGirl]

Does a firmer hand include beating your children? Because that is the way this road is heading. This is dangerously close to the fine line between what is okay and what is not.

 

As for those real world examples, they seem to be the exception not the norm. I don't think anyone in here can say they have experienced that as an adult.

 

Beating a child and spanking them are 2 different things. I had both (beatings from my father) and controlled, disciplined spanking from my mother. A firm hand does not mean you will beat your child. there are defiant children in the world (from good homes) who simply taking something away from them isn't going to correct their behaviour. You can not parent the same two children in the same way as every child is different and unique.

[Moontiger]

Does a firmer hand include beating your children? Because that is the way this road is heading. This is dangerously close to the fine line between what is okay and what is not.

 

As for those real world examples, they seem to be the exception not the norm. I don't think anyone in here can say they have experienced that as an adult.

 

Ok, making them hold a sign is a about 1,000 miles away from beating them. A firm hand means doing more then just speaking to your child firmly and taking their xbox away from them or letting them go out with their friends if they do all their chores.

 

Real world example: Girl I know was raised the way you are talking about, when her parents sent her to her room she really didn't care because she would just read. Another friend of mine would bit people has a small child, his mom did what all the books say, "Say no firmly, explain that it hurts." etc. Until one day she bit him and drew blood. She finally bit him back (did not draw blood). He never bit anyone again. Another friend of mine would take getting spanked over other punishments (such as having a toy taken away) because he knew it would only last a few minuets.

 

Since your 20 and have not spent time around child you have a lot to learn about kids. Again, the same thing will not work for all of them.

[OptomisticGirl]

Good Lord the biting... we just got my nephew broke of this stage - by biting him back as well. Doesn't help my sister likes to 'play bite' with him so then he thinks it's funny to take a real chomp out of us.

[Moontiger]

Good Lord the biting... we just got my nephew broke of this stage - by biting him back as well. Doesn't help my sister likes to 'play bite' with him so then he thinks it's funny to take a real chomp out of us.

 

My friend bit him mom through her pantie hose. He was older and had a speech delay so he would get frustrated, but as his mom put it, "He had to learn he could not take his frustration out on other people."

[OptomisticGirl]

My friend bit him mom through her pantie hose. He was older and had a speech delay so he would get frustrated, but as his mom put it, "He had to learn he could not take his frustration out on other people."

 

Yep. We had to teach my nephew he couldn't do that, especially since he kept trying to bite other little kids.

[charity]

Beating a child and spanking them are 2 different things. I had both (beatings from my father) and controlled, disciplined spanking from my mother. A firm hand does not mean you will beat your child. there are defiant children in the world (from good homes) who simply taking something away from them isn't going to correct their behaviour. You can not parent the same two children in the same way as every child is different and unique.

 

no they are not. they are different levels of the same thing. but both teach the wrong message. it is physical abuse.

an uncle kissing and fondling his child niece versus having full blown sex with her- still sexual abuse.

you do not HIT a small child. its not right.

suppose your husband gives you little slaps or push's one day?. is that ok because he didn't BEAT you? no its not. its the wrong way to teach our children i believe.

 

i too was slapped, not beaten. i was quite sensitive so i ended up fearing my mum. i still kinda do.

i never thought she did anything wrong though (until i became a parent myself)... it was just the way back then and she certainly combined it with being a great mom.

i feared her as a teenager too. the fear didn't stop me doing all the stupid stuff i did, but it stopped me confiding in her about it.

[FairyGodmother]

i feared her as a teenager too. the fear didn't stop me doing all the stupid stuff i did, but it stopped me confiding in her about it.

 

Charity, whilst I agree with absolutely everything you have just said THIS is the most important thing. Children should do things because they know that it is the moral thing to do, NOT because they are afraid of parental repercussions. People as adults should do this too! Not only do you not steal because of the jail time, but more importantly because you know it is wrong!!! And how can you ever know that if no one explains it to you? Not wrong because something bad will happen to you, but wrong because you are taking something that is not yours, and causing someone else to lose their hard earned money!! Thank you for putting that into words Charity!!

 

Also I agree that you should never strike a child, be it spanking or beating. You would never do that to an adult (you'd get charged for assault), so why would you do it to a child? Just because they are children doesn't mean they aren't people.

 

EDIT:

 

Does anyone think that maybe child therapy is better than public humiliation? It is significantly more expensive, but I think the end result would be much better, especially if the problem is recurring and the child just won't seem to understand any other way.

[OptomisticGirl]

They are the same to you - for me, not. It was the way I was disciplined and one of the few things I agree that my parents did. For me I never feared my mother because she spanked me. I feared my father who physically BEAT the living crap out of me with whatever he could get his hands on, including but not limited to a cast iron skillet, yard stick, and horse riding crop. My mother spanking me never sent me the 'wrong' message. I'm a functioning, decent adult who pays her taxes and (tries) to do all the right things. That being said, it's a implement of child discipline many will not agree on.

[OptomisticGirl]

Does anyone think that maybe child therapy is better than public humiliation? It is significantly more expensive, but I think the end result would be much better, especially if the problem is recurring and the child just won't seem to understand any other way.

 

I think it would depend on the child and why and how bad they were acting. Normal acting out I don't think a child should be put into therapy because, well, there's nothing WRONG with them acting out. They are kids, they will. However if it was persistent, bad behaviour to the point of harming others or disrupting other people/kids I think therapy would be a good road to travel.

[DN]

Public humiliation is, in my opinion, a form of bullying and, for that reason alone, is not appropriate. The punishment far outweighs the crime and lying is better dealt with by more constructive punishments. It can cause trauma beyond what is apparent, what may seem a half hours humiliation can turn into years of taunting and teasing by other children,and resentment of the parent who inflicted it.

 

Children need love and discipline and I don't see much love in this sort of punishment. It may make the parent feel powerful and that they are demonstrating their values to their neighbours but that is about their own ego and has nothing to do with correction.

 

All it will accomplish is to make the child a better liar. And they will never trust that parent again.

[tinkerbellkj]

I think it would depend on the child and why and how bad they were acting. Normal acting out I don't think a child should be put into therapy because, well, there's nothing WRONG with them acting out. They are kids, they will.

 

I agree with this 100%. For the record I was NOT spanked as a child, not that I can remember and my parents both state that they never spanked us. I grew up in a nice stable home with a SAHM who devoted her time to us, all in all I had a beautiful childhood. But guess what? At 12 I ABSOLUTELY acted out! I was full of hormones and knowledge I was sure I had. Honestly, I think it'd be odd if I DIDN'T test my boundaries. It's very normal for a child/teen, regardless of upbringing, to lash out and act out. Kids are people too and experience a lot of emotions and don't always know how to handle them. I am a social worker and I don't think that requires therapy unless it is as OG stated, it is persistent and out of control.

[poetryandlyrics]

Well, of course one shouldn't do that excessively but that's not the story here. We don't know the full context. I wouldn't want that done to me excessively but I think it would still be beneficial if I was like... Fourteen and lied to my parent about something big like... I dunno, blaming someone else to cover up my tracks and my parent was furious at that person maybe. Where the lie is the central focus of this. Something like that. Just once.

 

I have also been spanked. By my own father who physically beats m mother. And I didn't fear the spanking (just the pain but I don't like pain in general, the spanking isn't the issue for me) and I knew this spanking is far different than the beating he gives my mother despite coming from the same person. I've never been physically abused by my father except for a shove and getting close to my face to argue me down. Sspanking is not abuse to me.

 

My best friend comes from a family that is healthy. Pastor father and all. She was spanked and sees nothing wrong as that as long spanking is for the important things and not used for every little thing, which I do agree. Every little thing is excessive and can be damaging. Why spank a child for not cleaning the bedroom when disrespect is more the issue from the child?

 

Every child is different though and it's up to the parent to know the child. Adjustment is to be made, not a blanket assumption of the right model for all.

[greywolf]

My father thought that public humiliation was an appropriate form of punishment. The amount of rage that I feel every time I remember every one of those instances is quite overwhelming and then I have to force myself to stop thinking about it because if I don't, I start fantasizing about how I would like to kill him.

[Applewhite]

Children are not glass dolls that will break if you barely knock them against doors. They are far more resilant than most adults think they are...

 

I always imagined you were more kind hearted on the subject of kids and how they should be treated given how you want so many so fast.

[Applewhite]

My father thought that public humiliation was an appropriate form of punishment. The amount of rage that I feel every time I remember every one of those instances is quite overwhelming and then I have to force myself to stop thinking about it because if I don't, I start fantasizing about how I would like to kill him.

 

*this*

 

let's not go around raising killers because of our beliefs that children will test boundaries and they need to be disciplined with a firm hand, it depends on the offense etc...