Dating Multiples...

[lalalollipops]

I've dated 2-3 guys in the past for a period of approx 2 months (before becoming exclusive with one). It tends to get really confusing after a while, and since I'm quite 'all or nothing' in terms of feelings, I tend to want to focus on one guy after awhile.

 

What I do is I can hold hands with, hug and kiss with all, but no heavy makeout sessions or sex. Cos who knows what they're doing in their spare time.

Multi dating and sex only leads to STDS imo. No sex before you get serious, and only sex after you make sure they're clean.

[lalalollipops]

When I mean get serious, I mean exclusive dating and ideally dating exclusively for at least a month. Obv not a serious relationship, but not casual dating anymore.

[90_hour_sleep]

difference of perspective here, seeker. i don't find it takes all that long for someone to show who she is...to be authentic. i think it has a little to do with the sorts of women i seem to be attracting lately. it's changed.

 

as far as understanding goes, it's just in general. i think it's a language barrier thing. i don't mean that you don't make sense...just that sometimes i don't quite follow the words. but...in this case, it's of no consequence.

[FYI]

Welcome to the new story of my life.

 

So dude, did you get tested? LOL Sorry I had to ask. Because TOV does bring a valid point.

 

Details, please. Thank you.

 

 

 

 

That's what I'm trying to do. Thanks for telling me your story True Crime. It opened up my mind a lot.

 

Yeah, there's a typo in there. I meant to say that I would date multiple women but I would only be sexually intimate with one. And yes I have been tested.

[dunfalma]

Some stds can take upto 6 months to show up in blood tests after getting them. So to be safest your new partner should not have slept with anyone for 6 months before being tested and having sex with you. Does this actually happen? And stds like herpes are not commonly tested for. It is incredibly difficult to detect in males unless there is an outbreak. For me I just use condoms and accept that as with any activity sex carries a certain amount of risk. I have not met anyone who would be willing to forgo sex for 6 months before being tested. Blah - different attitudes to risk tolerance I guess.

[lalalollipops]

^ So you would risk the chance of getting sth for the sake of sex? So you would have sex with 2-3 guys at the same time while casually dating and not be alittle wary about things?

=/

[itsallgrand]

I'm a romantic. Not going to change.

 

A kiss is not a kiss is not a kiss. A kiss carries with it for me....visions, not just spit.

 

I think multi-dating and romanticism are just mixing oil and water and trying to get that to blend right. Like, have fun trying.

 

I hope I'm not intruding..but if I may

 

I love the fact that you used ROMANTIC, TOV. Romance - I'm starting to think the vast majority of people either think of this as a dirty word, and not practical, or the type of the thing you see on The Bachelorette etc. (which to me isn't romantic at all at all at all! It's anti-romance!).

 

Ok, I know deep inside, I like romance...but is that bad? I'm doing this multiple dating thing. It's not the first time for me. But it is different this time around. I'm older, not necessarily wiser but my perspectives and perceptions have certainly shifted. I used to love jumping on that romance carousel. It's a little more than a little different now. I don't get "lost" in the same way I once used to - nor do I want to, not so fast anyways. And by fast I mean - it took a long time before, and now it may take even longer.

And obviously, the men I am "dating" (hate the word dating honestly, if I had to use anything I'd use something like courting but god that is so terribly old fashioned lol) are older and different too. Different than the men I may have dated before, I mean it's just life and being at different points in life and different people now.

 

Anyways. I've found myself at certain times feeling disappointed. *swear* I can't even complain because the men I have been seeing have all treated me nicely, so far so good, and they are consistent in contact and interest. The few "bummers" I guess, no gos, they fall out real fast with me because I am it seems like in my experience, someone who people generally know if they like or do not pretty darn fast. I mean I am past the point where I am simply attracting with my body, more or less too.

 

But anyways. This disappointment. Is it from mixing what you call oil and water? I'm thinking...maybe.

 

Here is the thing. Quirky mentioned "specialness" and that sums it up well. It is at the core of romance. That feeling of being seen and valued in your own uniqueness. Of being the focus of someone's attention, exclusively. With passion.

 

It is sort of hard to go beyond a certain point with that if one or both of you has more than one "special" person in their focus. It just is. And it takes away from it. In fact, it is hard even if the other people aren't that "special" to the other. Just by having others around in their focus for that potential. I know this. And others know it...hence why if someone really wants to get with some one and is seeing others, they usually don't want to mention that they are seeing others. They know it won't win points, even if it is honest. It's not romantic at all.

 

On romance again, I learned it pretty young...I know, I mean I was surrounded by french men (pardon the stereotyping here but it was true in my early experiences with certain groups of people and some were close to me) and they showed me what things like charm - seduction - romance - all those things that add up to building up that tingling ooh feeling....and also, how a person may (if they so choose) use that to get what they want. But also the genuine side of it. As an expression of caring (je t'adore, not je t'aime) - literally, I adore you. Adoration.

 

I think maybe some people think bad things about romance because they think it is only the smooth talk, the pulling wool over eyes, the make you a fine breakfast after sex and never see you again. But there is also genuine romance! Smart romance? Giving yourself over that part of it, enjoying it, but not getting so drunk on it that you don't care about the other things that make up the foundations of loving someone (and them loving you)....because that stuff is already there!

 

I just wanted a chance to express this tonight. And this seemed like the right place. And specifically in relation to what you were saying TOV, and Quirky, and a few others.

 

I find myself not really liking (almost resenting, but not quite, just not liking) trying to divide my time. If only I could give to just one! And have just one give to me! But it seems like I'd almost have to do some explaining in order to do that, and what 90 is saying too, about wondering if I should be giving it all a good looking over and considering all different possibilities before really trying for one.

 

But what you have said has made a lot of sense. And honestly, I've divided my time before...and it usually means for me, it's more about me than them. It's not that I am using anybody...but it is a bit of a self centered ride. ANd the whole point of being with someone...is being with someone....getting out of the one person focus...

 

well it will make sense at some point.

[Natasha24]

I'm a multi-dater. I don't feel like I'm leading anyone on or hurting their feelings, because most people I see are multi-daters as well. I will kiss more than one guy at a time, but not much beyond that. I did fool around with two guys within two weeks. I personally have no problem with it, but I was told that it's considered "skanky", so I don't do that anymore. Kissing is the farthest I'll go with more than one guy.

 

I'm not going to put all my time and energy into one guy if he's just going to cut me off in the end. I had ONE date with a guy, and he told me a while later that he was surprised that I kept dating other people, because he thought our first date went so well. The date did go well, but why would I stop seeing other people because of one date? I don't know if I'm going to stay with a guy after only one date.

 

I don't see it as "playing the field", it's more like "hedging your bets".

 

(To be clear though, I'm not one of those people who has "meaning" attached to kisses and sex. To me, it's just fun. I had one guy say to me "Didn't our kiss mean anything to you?", and to be honest, it doesn't)

[Natasha24]

So say you have a policy where you're not tied down sexually, nor are your guys. So say you have 3 guys you're sleeping with, and each of them has 3 girls they're sleeping with, concurrently.

 

That's 9 women you are indirectly sleeping with, too.

 

How do you know your "monogamous" boyfriend isn't lying to you and sleeping around? Just because someone says they're not having sex with three other people, that doesn't mean they're actually not doing it.

 

Maybe I'm a little bitter because I've been cheated on, but if a guy that I barely know says "I'm not sleeping with anyone else", I see no reason to believe him. Whether I'm sleeping with 1 guy or 10 guys, I'm still probably indirectly sleeping with a bunch of girls. That's why you use condoms. I'm not going to never have sex just because the guy I'm dating might also be sleeping with someone else.

[Batya33]

Once I was in my 30s I didn't think I had the luxury of dating one person at a time -putting my aging eggs in one basket so to speak. With my husband, however, we decided to be exclusive and serious from the first date because it was our second time around, we knew each other well from the first time, and on top of that we were going to be long distance (and why bother with LDR unless you're serious and exclusive). Multi-dating helped me keep a good perspective on dating and not feel too clingy. I usually didn't multi-date for more than a month or two if I met someone who I wanted to be exclusive with and wanted the same with me.

[itsallgrand]

 

(To be clear though, I'm not one of those people who has "meaning" attached to kisses and sex. To me, it's just fun. I had one guy say to me "Didn't our kiss mean anything to you?", and to be honest, it doesn't)

 

I think that is where real differences emerge. Those who, when there is physical connection there is emotional 'stuff' that goes with that, and those who don't have that - for whatever reason. For some people, physical connection begins with certain kinds of touch that isn't even sexual. Or kissing. Or intimate snuggles. Or sex. But wherever it is, the reasons to go further or not physically are as much emotional ones as practical ones (considering STDS, pregnancies, health, or even how you might look or for reasons of just not feeling it is worth it).

 

I personally think it is in mentality more than anything else. Reason I say this is, I am one of those people who has experienced both when it comes to being physical. But it's one or the other. Either I can be in "detached" mode - and it's pretty rare, especially when it comes to sex, and this has been reserved for one night stand. Or, I am attached emotionally....almost always, love feelings, usually, in love. But not in between. Basically I can be numb emotionally or full on, but never ambiguous.

 

You know what is the worse really? People who have sex with more than one person and their feelings are ambiguous! Absolutely the worst. People who can go through all the love motions, but there isn't love. That just doesn't make sense to me. So you gotta worry about not only the health factors but also the emotional for someone who is in an inbetween about how they feel? And to feel ambiguous oneself? Why bother?

 

To my mind, going full on with someone physically there has to be that clarity. And there is no such thing as "hedging bets". House always wins. You live with that, and hope and set yourself to know you will be able to pull out when the time comes, and hopefully you'll be ahead. But there is just no way to guarantee a "win". Unless your aim is purely physical - to get off. But even then, there is a whole other set of things to consider and worry about....you've got the clarity of your intention, but not the comfort of feeling trust in someone...everything has its advantages and disadvantages and consequences, there is just no getting around it !

[The_Seeker]

How do you know your "monogamous" boyfriend isn't lying to you and sleeping around? Just because someone says they're not having sex with three other people, that doesn't mean they're actually not doing it.

Maybe I'm a little bitter because I've been cheated on, but if a guy that I barely know says "I'm not sleeping with anyone else", I see no reason to believe him. Whether I'm sleeping with 1 guy or 10 guys, I'm still probably indirectly sleeping with a bunch of girls. That's why you use condoms. I'm not going to never have sex just because the guy I'm dating might also be sleeping with someone else.

 

Natasha, I've been in your situation.

 

My current ex cheated on me by sleeping with someone else.

 

So I can understand why you are bitter and being a multi-dater.

 

I'm reading everyone's post on Monday. Ya'll are writing with long essay paragraphs.

 

Also I just got back from having dinner at a sports bar and restaurant. ;] I got asked out on a date. LOL I even told the guy I'm dating other people. ;] He seems cool with it. Surprisingly.

 

Let's see if he will call me.

[tiredofvampires]

Some stds can take upto 6 months to show up in blood tests after getting them.

 

While that has tended to be true, they're making more sensitive tests that cut the window period down, to give faster results.

 

I have not met anyone who would be willing to forgo sex for 6 months before being tested. Blah - different attitudes to risk tolerance I guess.

 

Well, it's been 6 years since I've had sex, so I know I can survive it. I waited to have sex for 6 months with my last partner, because we met online and lived over 3,000 miles apart, so we couldn't physically be together until we had the chance to close the distance. (I happen to live in a place that's relatively isolated, within a dominant culture that is hard for me to find matches in; among other dating obstacles) But we were exclusive already (definitely in love and not seeking anyone else) by that time. So I know I could do that again in a heartbeat, for the right person. It's all relative, you're right. To me, six months doesn't seem all that long, in the grand scheme of things, especially since there are so many ways to share affection (that builds a good tension!)

 

And having known women, mostly in their early 20's, who were already dealing with abnormal pap smears, cervical procedures, and precancerous conditions that had to be monitored (due to HPV), to me waiting 6 months would be preferable to that.

 

At some point with a partner, I'd expect to stop using condoms (and I have, in LTRs). Especially if we were married. But I'd make that decision when I felt fairly comfortable with the idea that we have a long-range goal and a future. Of course, if you don't trust your partner to be faithful, even in a marriage, you ought to use condoms the rest of your life. Which brings me to the next points.

 

How do you know your "monogamous" boyfriend isn't lying to you and sleeping around? Just because someone says they're not having sex with three other people, that doesn't mean they're actually not doing it.

 

Maybe I'm a little bitter because I've been cheated on, but if a guy that I barely know says "I'm not sleeping with anyone else", I see no reason to believe him. Whether I'm sleeping with 1 guy or 10 guys, I'm still probably indirectly sleeping with a bunch of girls. That's why you use condoms. I'm not going to never have sex just because the guy I'm dating might also be sleeping with someone else.

 

First of all, starting with you last sentence, I can't even imagine having sex with someone, and leaving open the possibility he may be sleeping with someone else. By the time we are physically that intimate, I will have to get the very strong sense from him that he is 100% in sync with the desire to be monogamous. We would have to be of a like mind about such things, with me having a rapport with him for some time that makes it quite evident that he is exclusively invested in me, as a serious love proposition.

 

If what you're asking is how can I trust that -- well, that's the risk you take in any relationship, including marriage. But if you can't trust the person you're with, I don't see any point in that relationship at all. And by that token, any point in starting down the dating road with them. So by the time we are having sex, trust is going to have to be part of the territory.

 

And then if the question is how do you know if a person is trustworthy -- that's a slightly different discussion, but you can gauge a person's character and integrity by observing them over time in how honest they are in various other situations, with other people, how they react to other people's honesty/dishonesty, how consistent they are in these ways, how revealing with me, etc. With the exception of one man I was with for any length of time (several months and beyond), I knew them to have very strong consciences in many areas. I'd see how they divulged and confessed things to me, even though it didn't put them in the best light. I'd see them be their own harshest critics. I'd see them weigh out ethical matters, issue of integrity, in a way that was consistent with my values. So all of this takes some time, and it's more than just dating to enjoy romance -- it's having conversations about life, sharing past events with a level of candor, being able to be vulnerable together and fostering a sense of trust in that act. So there are many ways I can reasonably tell that someone is an honest person, if I give it enough time to ripen and deepen. But that doesn't come overnight, or if you're moving fast.

 

But you're right, nothing is absolutely fool-proof. Do I believe my boyfriends were all faithful to me? Pretty much (except for that one, who was just hard enough to read and flighty enough that I'm not sure if he did something unkosher or not.) My radar isn't infallible, but I feel as certain as a person can be about another that nearly all were faithful.

 

If I were to go into a dating situation thinking, "Why should I invest everything in this guy if he's just going to hurt me in the end," that's a pointless exercise. For me. Maybe it works for others, but if I'm going in feeling that this could blow up in my face, so I better not take his word at face value, that's someone I have ZERO desire to kiss. That would be a meaningless kiss to me, too.

 

And I might add, not my idea of fun. I'd find that boring and dead. Sometimes I wish I were more easily entertained, lol.

[90_hour_sleep]

 

And I might add, not my idea of fun. I'd find that boring and dead. Sometimes I wish I were more easily entertained, lol.

 

no you don't...

 

not really. and if you do...it's probably the most fleeting of thoughts...because it's so horribly incongruent with who you are...fundamentally.

 

i'd still like to reply to your original post here. you asked the more pertinent question of my willingness to put myself in the other's shoes. that's the whole reason i'm here posting. trying my best to garner some perspective. still toiling away in my 'garden'...trying as best i can to cultivate what feels right. i identify quite strongly with the predominant mentality here of investing energy one at a time (i mean...once that point has been reached where it's evident that there is a mutual desire to explore a connection). so...this all feels like it's about definition. we all define things differently, whether according to personal experience or social filters, etc. dating for me isn't the same as dating for you...or the next guy or girl. i feel sometimes that there are undercurrents of judgement when it comes to all of this. somehow a difference of conduct translates to a sort of moral rift. it opens a divide, which fosters debate (some healthy, some dogmatic and preachy). and...that's why we're here, ultimately.

 

interesting where this has gone. i find myself wondering what lies at the roots of such an inspired conversation. interesting to know that it carries such strong energy...

[90_hour_sleep]

this packs a wallop.

 

ambiguous. it's like purgatory. have you been there before? i know i have. and you're absolutely right. it's the epitome of uncertainty. it's a relentless sense of unease. discomfort. something that begs to be run from.

 

full on...or detached.

 

i feel almost ill thinking about this. no...scratch that...i DO feel ill. i think because it's familiar. i remember being there, where my feelings were completely ambiguous. and i think this is the inherent danger of moving too quickly with the physical. there are degrees of sexual/physical experience. there's the physical...the emotional...the spiritual. the holistic experience requires all of these facets to be present in some capacity. and how do you truly know where another person stands if you don't have a connection that allows for the complete picture? you have sex with someone, and for you it means something. and, because you have a limited 'relationship' with that person you may assume that you know what that experience means for him/her. but what if it means something more...or different. it most likely does.

 

yuck. even if it was ''just physical''...what does that even mean? just physical? i have an aversion to that. and yet, sometimes we fall prey to our biological desires. and then what? then it all becomes confused. now there's emotional ambiguity as well as physical ambiguity. it may feel like there's supposed to be a connection. but then what if there is none? and worse yet, what if it felt like there was a connection, but now with the ambiguity it all feels a bit muddled?

 

is this the root of it?

 

for some, i think intimacy has become synonymous with physicality. i have a hard time seeing it that way. intimacy has components...parts of the greater whole. i don't know how to separate those things. when i get to the point where i could have sex with someone, it means i've connected. there's something in me that has given the green light to move forward. it feels safe. this isn't a conscious thing. it's just how i'm currently wired. i always feel 'different' after that's happened. it's not always a good feeling either. maybe because it's vulnerable, and that's something that never feels entirely ''good''.

 

so interesting. ambiguity. something clicked with your words here, IAG...

[quirky]

itsallgrand and TOV very nice reading your posts

 

First of all, starting with you last sentence, I can't even imagine having sex with someone, and leaving open the possibility he may be sleeping with someone else

 

 

If I were to go into a dating situation thinking, "Why should I invest everything in this guy if he's just going to hurt me in the end," that's a pointless exercise.

 

 

Same here..I always had an aversion to suspicion. I find it offensive almost when someone is distrustful and suspicious before we'even gone close. How does that help speculating one will hurt you? I tend to stay away from that energy. Suspicion and lack of trust are love damaging traits as they indicate lack of openess which will most likely prevent love from blossoming.

 

hence why if someone really wants to get with some one and is seeing others, they usually don't want to mention that they are seeing others. They know it won't win points, even if it is honest. It's not romantic at all.

 

I agree with that. It seems to be prevalent nowadays though. It gives off a disposable vibe and I haven't figured out what to do with it yet. I just know I don't like it..I do think it's related to a me me me mentality that seems to govern today's individualistic society. I can't help but feel that the modern attitude to dating is tied with our overall pursuit of happiness as presented by the media. The quick, fast paced, instant happiness and how we all deserve better. A better job, holiday, partner. No wonder so many people become depressed, this 'perfection' is unattainable. I think if we took more time on others and calmed down we might get more out of an interraction.

 

The date did go well, but why would I stop seeing other people because of one date? I don't know if I'm going to stay with a guy after only one date.

 

If the date DID go well, were you not interested in seeing where that would lead rather than try someone else out? Perhaps go on a second date, get to know that person a bit and then decide whether you want to try someone else. Or maybe the date was just average for you?

 

 

 

I wanted to express some thoughts on Romance. Romance for me is not just a feeling for a person it is somewhat an attitude. A life without romance would be a colourless life. People live for that stuff and are highly inspired by it. If one can have it within then the happiness does not depend from an external source (such as another person or a film even). It is the appreciation of life and the world seen through the most beautiful angle. Indeed things do become sweeter and bouncier when you're inlove but touching the flowers, observing beautiful moments, taking life in.. that I see as romance. Most of us become more romantic when we're inlove because our heart opens up but the heart can be open regardless. All sorts of things can be romantic..and believing in it is what attracts it.

[Coconut Twin]

Kudos Quirky, great post - 90 hours, TOV, Itsallgrand. Lovely insightful read as always!

[Helis4life]

Yes. The idea that there is 1 person for each of us and we will some how find them in a world of 6 billion is a fantasy probably created by the same people that brought you valentines day.

 

Dating multiple people is the best course of action to find a suitable breeding partner

[Coconut Twin]

"breeding partner" ....

 

Thats funny...I just quantum leaped into the 1600's just then...

[PaintWithLight]

Yes. The idea that there is 1 person for each of us and we will some how find them in a world of 6 billion is a fantasy probably created by the same people that brought you valentines day.

 

Dating multiple people is the best course of action to find a suitable breeding partner

 

Most bleeding partners are merely shagging partners with 'ooppps'.

[90_hour_sleep]

this was great, quirky.

 

so...i've been spending time with someone. not loads of time. i live in a pretty small community...and in an effort to meet new people i've had to venture beyond my little circle. i've met...maybe 10 people in the last year? and only one was closer than half an hour. so...not the easiest to spend time with someone new. but...it's happening. nice when both people make the effort!! really nice actually. and...that sense of adventure. love that.

 

and...as nice as it's been...there was someone else i was really keen to meet up with before meeting this latest one. and...as well as it seems to have been going...it's still something i'd like to do. still not ''a date''...but something that feels right, and necessary for me. an important step. not a step that all of us feel to be appropriate, i acknowledge. and some of you have expressed that you just sort of ''know'' when you've met someone that really clicks, and know without any kind of doubt that you'd rather not see anyone else. in what context though? i seem to meet people as friends. it always starts that way. i recall a recent thread where it was discussed that nothing could ever come from such encounters. that ''friends first'' is like a slow and painful death for any sort of potential otherwise. i continue to prove that theory wrong. it's how i operate. and how the people i connect with operate.

 

i'm not there. it's a process. and i'm not to the point with one where i'm so committed (that we've really stepped beyond friendship) that i don't feel comfortable venturing out and meeting someone else on those very same terms.

 

for me though, i've tended to be an isolationist (if that's even a word). i meet someone...and then that's it. i seem to shut down from meeting others. i've really noticed that this isn't the healthiest approach for me. meeting new people is beginning to feel essential to my well-being. not in the sense that i need to be constantly having ''new and exciting encounters''...just that when the opportunities arise, i need to act on them...let them happen. otherwise, my tendency is to shut down to the ''new'' in life. so...this isn't so much to do with potential romance...it's really just about discovering new people...as people. nothing more or less than exactly what they are.

 

dunno if any of that makes sense. i was reflecting on this, this morning. asking myself if this is all some sort of grand justification for something that doesn't entirely feel right to me.

 

maybe it is. i'm going to have a bit of trust in my intuition though. how else to really solidify that basic sense?

 

going with today's flow. letting things unfold as they will. and perhaps i'll have a new reflection later tonight.

 

 

 

anyway...thanks for your responses here.