Dating Multiples...

[90_hour_sleep]

Howdy,

 

Contemplating this curiosity tonight. Wondering about others' experiences/opinions.

 

I haven't often been in a position where I've seriously considered ''dating'' (maybe it's an issue of definition -- to me, dating runs the gamut from casual friendliness to sexual encounters). I've always been of the one-at-a-time philosophy. To clarify, the idea of being physical with more than one person doesn't sit well with me (Haven't thoroughly investigated to see if this is something internal to me, or if it has to do with feeling deceptive towards others). That would always seem to indicate deception on some level (unless there's a concrete understanding between everyone involved, or something along the lines of a polyamorous arrangement). But beyond the physical aspect, I also find it difficult to really bond with one person if I'm thinking about another person. Maybe the whole point is to be present with whoever you're with while you're with that person.

 

Feel free to share personal experience...opinion. Are you a multi-dater? How does it work? Do you ever feel that you're leading someone on? Worry about hurting someone else? Have you ever experienced indecisiveness, even in the midst of some fairly weighty connective bonding?

 

I don't often think about this. And I'm feeling a bit unsettled to be honest. Does one really need to ''play the field'' to know what's out there...to know what feels right?

 

 

[The_Seeker]

LOL I made a thread about this a while ago. Might want to check that out.

 

I'm going to play the field hence I'm dating the multiples at the moment. ;] Hence the signature.

 

All I know is you're going to need a huge calendar and be very organized and remember names!

 

I've been burned in all three of my relationships [Cheating, and lying]. Yeah I was a good girl in all three AND was very loyal. It was always about the power struggle because other men would stare at me [i'm very attractive] and my ex would question. So I got fed up with it.

 

I guess you can say I am the "good girl gone bad."

[90_hour_sleep]

LOL I made a thread about this a while ago. Might want to check that out.

 

I'm going to play the field hence I'm dating the multiples at the moment. ;] Hence the signature.

 

All I know is you're going to need a huge calendar and be very organized and remember names!

 

I've been burned in all three of my relationships [Cheating, and lying]. Yeah I was a good girl in all three AND was very loyal. It was always about the power struggle because other men would stare at me [i'm very attractive] and my ex would question. So I got fed up with it.

 

I guess you can say I am the "good girl gone bad."

 

hey seeker,

 

so what's your process then? what are your boundaries. i mean...what does ''dating'' mean to you? what do you consider dating-behaviour? is there a physical side while you're spending time with multiple people? are you all on the same page?

 

i just wonder about ''playing the field''. at what point does it become obvious what's out there (in which case you can actually stick with one person without feeling that there could be something ''better'' -- which is really the wrong word. something more appropriate for both people involved. a better match i guess)? i think i'm in a different situation. i've never been ''abused'' in a relationship. they've all been wonderful people...albeit with different visions of tomorrow. and lately, it seems that great people are coming out of the woodwork left and right. i really don't know what to do with that. do you put the gentle breaks on (i.e. keep things from moving along too too fast) and explore the potential while it's there? for me, i've met some people who really feel ''right'' on so many levels. interesting predicament.

 

thanks for the response, btw.

[The_Seeker]

hey seeker,

 

Hey love! By the way I never respond to your physical touch thread blah blah blah. LOL Sorry about that.

 

so what's your process then?

 

I'm just having fun. Nothing serious. Also, today I became emotionally unavailable. It's freakin me out in a bit because I never been this type of person.

 

I guess when you've been so burned and cut really deep. You're just done with the BS of relationships.

 

Not only that, I'm an attractive person and young. So my thought process, I'm just going to have fun, such as dating and having sex with a guy I find attractive.

 

I'm focusing on getting my career path fast and make sure I have money in the bank account. So I'm planning to become a humanitarian.

 

In other words, I'm not going to settle and HAVE become very selective. Besides, I can't seem to stop at looking exotic men recently.

 

what are your boundaries.

 

- Don't slap me.

- Treat me with respect.

- Don't start rumor/sex tape. I would hunt that person down and make them confess until I get the truth out. I don't care. If they are going to ruin my reputation and destroy my career path and saving children and refugees.

- Don't push me around or I'll fight back.

- Don't B.S. me.

- I'm cool with men dating other women. Once he has sex with them, I prefer him to take a freakin test before having sex with me.

 

 

i mean...what does ''dating'' mean to you?

 

Before, getting to know someone.

 

Now, having fun and having options.

 

what do you consider dating-behaviour? is there a physical side while you're spending time with multiple people? are you all on the same page?

 

For me, physical touch is very important so is sex. If a guy complains I tired him out after sex [my recent ex always complain about it and makes me wonder why is my sex drive so high and why do i have so much energy], then I don't want to be with that person. Probably will have fun dating them, but probably won't have sex much.

 

Physical side for me is different. I'll kiss and hug them.

 

But when it comes to sex, I'll be highly selective because I need the guy who has the same sex drive and SAME energy has me. But most importantly, that we have a conversation and agreement. Yeah I'm going to make sure I have it my way this time.

 

i just wonder about ''playing the field''.

 

I probably wouldn't say playing the field. When you play the field, you fabricate crap.

 

I don't want to fabricate. So I be honest and straight forward.

 

In my Match profile I wrote down that I'm cool with men dating other women and having options. Because why? I'm doing the same thing.

 

at what point does it become obvious what's out there (in which case you can actually stick with one person without feeling that there could be something ''better'' -- which is really the wrong word. something more appropriate for both people involved. a better match i guess)?

 

For me, I probably won't get attached to the person for a long time. Emotionally damaged.

 

He has to be freakin amazing to change that part of me, but I doubt it in my life.

 

It's going to make me difficult for me to commit what I've been through. So for me, I won't be able to commit for a while and I know I am becoming a commitment-phobe.

 

I guess when I realize when I'm in sync with a person who i know i can't find any better is when we both see each other goodness, badness, and ugliness and know how to deal with each other.

 

i think i'm in a different situation. i've never been ''abused'' in a relationship.

 

I have. It sux really bad. But I over it. First ex was in 2 weeks. Second ex in a day. Recent ex under 5 minutes. I moved on faster than majority of ENAers. Because I know I can get another guy. I always seem to get a different guy ever year anyway.

 

they've all been wonderful people...albeit with different visions of tomorrow. and lately, it seems that great people are coming out of the woodwork left and right. i really don't know what to do with that. do you put the gentle breaks on (i.e. keep things from moving along too too fast) and explore the potential while it's there? for me, i've met some people who really feel ''right'' on so many levels. interesting predicament.

 

Yeah I probably would be gentle breaks. Such as a weekend to myself to collect my thoughts together.

 

I know that feeling .I connect with people different ways especially ones that hold me in a certain way, kiss my forehead, hold my hands, etc. I just like melt. LOL

 

That's why I prefer taking my time dating and having options. LOL Unless there's a really crazy guy who wants to become the only man in my life and proves it. But I doubt it.

 

thanks for the response, btw.

 

No prob. ;] You helped me too.

[90_hour_sleep]

Also, today I became emotionally unavailable. It's freakin me out in a bit because I never been this type of person.

 

that's worth reflecting on...

 

I guess when you've been so burned and cut really deep. You're just done with the BS of relationships.

 

well...you're very sure of what you're looking for. that's a good thing i think. there are no shortage of people who are looking for the same sort of companionship. so...for you...why not take a break from considering the long term potential and focus on what's out there, what people DO have to offer. i think there's something to be said for that sort of exploration. sounds like you're at a good place to do what you're doing.

 

- Don't slap me.

- Treat me with respect.

- Don't start rumor/sex tape. I would hunt that person down and make them confess until I get the truth out. I don't care. If they are going to ruin my reputation and destroy my career path and saving children and refugees.

- Don't push me around or I'll fight back.

- Don't B.S. me.

- I'm cool with men dating other women. Once he has sex with them, I prefer him to take a freakin test before having sex with me.

 

well...this is a good list. what about the less tangible qualities...the things that aren't so glaringly apparent? i suppose i should be grateful here. i've never had to worry about any of these things.

 

Before, getting to know someone.

 

Now, having fun and having options.

 

can't you get to know someone, AND have options? i think this really sums up where i'm coming from; although, i wouldn't use the word ''options''. it doesn't feel that way for me. it's really about seeing more of what's out there...what's REALLY out there. theoretically, the more people you meet, the more you know what works for you, and what doesn't.

 

I probably wouldn't say playing the field. When you play the field, you fabricate crap. I don't want to fabricate. So I be honest and straight forward.

 

not sure i follow you on that part...

 

In my Match profile I wrote down that I'm cool with men dating other women and having options. Because why? I'm doing the same thing.

 

this is good.

 

For me, I probably won't get attached to the person for a long time. Emotionally damaged.

 

well...i definitely take time to form attachments. my inner pragmatist makes sure of that. but i seem to reach a point of no return...and at that point i'll throw all my chips in. but then, i'm a bit disappointed if there are others out there i'd like to spend time with...get to know better...develop a rapport with.

 

I guess when I realize when I'm in sync with a person who i know i can't find any better is when we both see each other goodness, badness, and ugliness and know how to deal with each other.

 

it's all very interesting...

 

focus on what you want...embody that...and allow it in when it's there in front of you. i don't always allow it in...or i allow things in when i KNOW they're not what's good for me (that subtle knowing that keeps you moving forward even though it's a bit ''off''). jeez...i think that's where i'm at here. i've recently met someone, and over the course of the last couple of months i've discovered that i've let someone in who is actually good for me in all the ways that i've always hoped i wouldn't compromise myself on.

 

i have to mull this over.

 

you've stimulated some thought in me, seeker. thank you!

[The_Seeker]

that's worth reflecting on...

 

I reflected all yesterday. Since 5:30 AM til 1 AM.

 

LOL Done reflecting.

 

well...you're very sure of what you're looking for. that's a good thing i think.

 

I know what I'm looking for. I just can't find that guy I am looking for.

 

there are no shortage of people who are looking for the same sort of companionship. so...for you...why not take a break from considering the long term potential and focus on what's out there, what people DO have to offer. i think there's something to be said for that sort of exploration. sounds like you're at a good place to do what you're doing.

 

Yeah, that's what I decided to do. Seeing how some ENA guys who claim they are "nice guys" are really messed up and then complain they don't know what happened in their relationship. [rolls eyes]

 

So I'm done with relationship for a while. All my relationships were less than a year. Not that I was a bad girlfriend or anything. Heck I could make a perfect first love or wife for any guy. But some reason I got burned really bad. So I'm done. I'm going my own way this time.

 

I'm keeping my options open. If any guy try to force me to leave the other guys so I can be with him. I'll tell him to go swear word himself. I am not taking orders just to keep the peace or whatever. Even if he may seem to be a great "good" guy. I'm not going to follow my heart this time. Nor my mind. I'm going to do what I desire from now on.

 

Yeah I learned the hard way. So I'm just going to casual date other guys and see which one offers what i like and spend more time with each of them but depends what I'm craving for.

 

Absolutely. I'm only 24. My main focus is getting my career started and having money in the bank. ;]

 

well...this is a good list. what about the less tangible qualities...the things that aren't so glaringly apparent? i suppose i should be grateful here. i've never had to worry about any of these things.

 

I have to. I don't understand what do you mean "the things that aren't so glaringly apparent."

 

Give me examples.

 

can't you get to know someone, AND have options? i think this really sums up where i'm coming from;

 

Uh not when you are in a relationship already. Or whatever. And especially if the person is dating one person at the time.

 

Some people don't tell the truth. That's the main problem. Hence why I'm upfront in my profile that I'm cool about other guys dating other girls because I'll be dating other guys. I am not going to be tied down this time.

 

What I am trying to say, when I dated someone [this was before I became a rebel and decided to multi date] it was because I'm into him and he was into me. Eventually I'll be in a relationship.

 

LOL I noticed the number of dates = number rank boyfriend. My current ex and I become exclusive on the third date and he became my third boyfriend. I broke that pattern when I noticed how I became exclusive with someone.

 

Now by having options, I'm realizing even if I am into you and you're into me, but we're not exclusive. I'll go on dates with other guys and have fun without feeling bad about it. Since I'm straightforward, I'll tell you to your face so you don't have to "play and act" like you are all that into me and pretending to "make me feel like the only girl in the world" who gets you. [rolls eyes]

 

Yeah I improved the past 3 years how to read guys better now. Now, I decided I'm going my own way instead of going with the flow. Screw that. Been there, done that. If I assume and don't like something and I sense something is not right, I'm not going to bother staying. I'm up and going and find something else. Not to sound like a stereotypical guy or anything.

 

 

although, i wouldn't use the word ''options''. it doesn't feel that way for me. it's really about seeing more of what's out there...what's REALLY out there. theoretically, the more people you meet, the more you know what works for you, and what doesn't.

 

Dude, stop being in denial. That's calling options/choices = determines your compatibility.

 

But to be honest, you can't focus on that because in the end what you really want is NOT EXACTLY what you really need.

 

That's why there are so many divorces. What we want ends up being not what we need in the very end.

 

Hence why I'm keeping my options. Besides, I like to be with different guys that I find cute without feeling tied down. [Yikes, I never expect myself to say that EVER] .

 

Seriously, it doesn't take you that long to figure out what you want and need in a person. Some people are so stupid sometimes when they don't know what they want and need. It's like do your darn homework to figure out what you want and need.

 

Even if that's what you want and need on paper, there is going to be a person who doesn't make that qualification and makes you feel more alive than the person who has all that total package.

 

Hence I throw the list what I want and need in a guy [Except something that I don't find attractive that's another story and I can't stand picky eaters. Also his sexuality. I'm not dealing with bisexual/trans/gay or whatever. I prefer a straight guy who is over the age of 21 and legal U.S. Citizen. ;] I ain't dealing with no green card.]

 

Since I realize how some guys' mind on how to act etc by reading on this ENA, I'm not going to read much into personality and actions. I'm going to focus on something else instead. LOL I'm not going to tell you that because that's my preference and I'm not here to represent the female population on focusing something else.

 

not sure i follow you on that part...

 

From my understanding about "playing the field," you're basically making crap up to make yourself sound interesting. That's not authentic to me. I can spot it very quick and call B.S. on it so easily. Hence the term "play." The field is on "population." You manipulate to get what you want. That person deserves a slap seriously. You wonder why when they find a girl that likes them and he/she likes them back, the relationship doesn't work. It's because once people get real about who they are, things fall apart.

 

Ever watch real world? Everyone acts so nice in the beginning until drama hits the fan.

 

I'm trying to avoid the REAL WORLD DRAMA like in my life. Hence why I always make sure who I am is who I am from the very start til the very end of my human being life.

 

If I don't like you, then I won't like you.

 

That's why on my first date, I ask questions to get to know them. I love how guys try to act so mysterious and vague on first date that I ended up giving the waiter my pay for the order, and walked out of the restaurant. Then the guy comes running after me telling me "I thought girls like guys who are mysterious." I told him he is an idiot to assume that about me. Peace out.

 

LOL Yeah I walked out on guys on dates who act very disrespectful towards me. I don't care. I don't owe them anything.

 

Hence why I make sure I find a guy who talk like it is and is real. Not superficial crap.

 

Even if it is superficial such as "You're a beautiful girl. I love your smile. etc" I'll just say thank you and smile. And talk something more concrete that makes me get to know him better. If he keeps changing the subject. I'm out because I have a great sense when a story is fabricated.

 

this is good.

 

Like I said, if I say I'm an honest person. You bet I would tell like it is from the beginning to the very end. That's what I'm talking about being real.

 

Some people aren't real enough to admit their intentions which makes me sick sometimes. Especially reading on the ENA. It's like dude you're a fake, or girl you're such a fake. LOL Then I get infraction point for calling them out on it and being harsh. [rolls eyes]

 

well...i definitely take time to form attachments. my inner pragmatist makes sure of that. but i seem to reach a point of no return...and at that point i'll throw all my chips in. but then, i'm a bit disappointed if there are others out there i'd like to spend time with...get to know better...develop a rapport with.

 

How long does it take you to get attached to someone?

 

Yeah I have the love at first sight mentality. ;] Hence the three boyfriends. With guys I'm dating, I find them attractive i'll date them but I won't become exclusive with them unless they have the IT factor that i'm looking for.

 

it's all very interesting...

 

focus on what you want...embody that...and allow it in when it's there in front of you. i don't always allow it in...or i allow things in when i KNOW they're not what's good for me (that subtle knowing that keeps you moving forward even though it's a bit ''off''). jeez...i think that's where i'm at here. i've recently met someone, and over the course of the last couple of months i've discovered that i've let someone in who is actually good for me in all the ways that i've always hoped i wouldn't compromise myself on.

 

i have to mull this over.

 

you've stimulated some thought in me, seeker. thank you!

 

That's the thing. When you meet someone you think you shouldn't have, you start to back out. Which is so stupid of us sometimes.

 

That's why you gotta take a leap of faith and hope that person stays in love with you instead of falling in and out of love with you.

 

It's really tough since there are really many beautiful people out there. But in the end, you just want and need 1 person to be with the rest of your life because they fulfill every aspect of your life.

 

;] Hence why I'm talking about options until I find that has what I want and need without me telling him or asking him. In other words, he better function like the way I want and need and if I function the way he wants and needs. It's a win-win.

 

Hence I make sure I am myself and act like myself and say what i want to say. It's all about real of who you are and not caring what you're going to say/do/act/blah blah blah. Because the more analyze, the more you are not actually living life and enjoying it.

 

I mean feel free to analyze other parts of your life to get you where you want to be which is important. But when it comes to social and love relationship and even friendships, sometimes you can't always analyze it. Too many variables. Might as well just enjoy with whoever makes you feel good about yourself and comfortable. If they don't, don't spend so much time with them.

 

That's my take.

 

You're welcome. It's good that you brought this up. It makes me learn more about myself and realizing I just went like 180 degrees on myself.

[quirky]

Hey 90_hour_sleep,

 

as internet dating has been on the rise and seems like the most available way to meet a speacial someone nowadays I can't help but ponder on my perception of it. And the perception of multidating. Personally it clashes with my romantic and idealistic nature.

 

 

I also find it difficult to really bond with one person if I'm thinking about another person.

 

This too. I believe in giving a proper chance to myself and the other person to connect and get to know each other and I can't really do that (I think, so far at least) by multi-dating. When the element of specialness is out of the equasion I somehow lose interest. But I have a thing about making things special because I need inspiration, an otherwordly source, something 'higher'.. so maybe I'm not the best example here. In general I value this bond a lot and don't want to taint it as if it is a commodity. Maybe being too idealistic, who knows. But I also find that if I multi date I end up comparing rather than focusing on the individual. I had a crazy week of multidate in March, and it was rather confusing. Mostly it satisfied my ego and nothing else.

 

 

i've never been ''abused'' in a relationship. they've all been wonderful people...albeit with different visions of tomorrow.

 

Same here. I don't really feel I need to 'protect' myself from something. I do get disheartened when mixed mesages occur but overall everyone I have interracted with has been a nice person. I have also never been 'dumped' which I guess saves me from fearing it as much as others.

[The_Seeker]

 

Same here. I don't really feel I need to 'protect' myself from something. I do get disheartened when mixed mesages occur but overall everyone I have interracted with has been a nice person. I have also never been 'dumped' which I guess saves me from fearing it as much as others.

 

For me, I do need to protect myself a lot. Been through the cheating and lying. So I'm making sure I have options.

 

I used to be like you with the ideal. Realize it's not working for me too well. LOL Welcome to the Dark side, I guess.

[Thorshammer]

I hated playing the field, though i did, and i believe i thrived in that environment. I am too much of an introvert to divide my time and focus into different people. But, when i did buckle down and went out there;

 

- I would avoid all talks about relationships, babies, marriage

- i wouldnt debate them unless they got on my nerves. I dont care enough to make a point to them.

- Usually, if i met the "right one", i would quickly cut the rest off. So, when i was in the field, i wasnt around people i considered priority.

- I would never catch feelings. Its hard to do considering my dating card can stretch over 5+

 

Surprisingly, the people who meant the most to me... i met when i wasnt playing the field, they literally came out of nowhere.

[The_Seeker]

I hated playing the field, though i did, and i believe i thrived in that environment. I am too much of an introvert to divide my time and focus into different people. But, when i did buckle down and went out there;

 

- I would avoid all talks about relationships, babies, marriage

- i wouldnt debate them unless they got on my nerves. I dont care enough to make a point to them.

- Usually, if i met the "right one", i would quickly cut the rest off. So, when i was in the field, i wasnt around people i considered priority.

- I would never catch feelings. Its hard to do considering my dating card can stretch over 5+

 

Surprisingly, the people who meant the most to me... i met when i wasnt playing the field, they literally came out of nowhere.

 

LMAO

 

I guess you guys have convos on generic stuff then.

[90_hour_sleep]

That's my take.

 

You're welcome. It's good that you brought this up. It makes me learn more about myself and realizing I just went like 180 degrees on myself.

 

the general vibe...AUTHENTICITY. i think the more you present that...the more it comes to you. forget all the hoopla that preaches to it...and just focus on what it means.

 

well...i appreciate your presence, seeker. i don't always understand you...but if you need to get infractions to be who you are...then i wish you all the best in reaching your fullest potential!!

 

thanks again.

 

Hey 90_hour_sleep,

 

as internet dating has been on the rise and seems like the most available way to meet a speacial someone nowadays I can't help but ponder on my perception of it. And the perception of multidating. Personally it clashes with my romantic and idealistic nature.

 

likewise, quirky. i'm fortunate that it's not something that presents itself as a viable option too often. i think i've just stumbled into a period where i'm feeling more expressive. i've definitely discovered purpose in my life, and i think that's something that very naturally attracts people who share aspects of the same vision...or appreciate what it feels like to have such a vision. i've been floating along for quite some time...and with that i think i was attracting much of the same. almost...lost? just sort of wandering around, waiting for things to happen. waiting. so...that's changed a bit.

 

I believe in giving a proper chance to myself and the other person to connect and get to know each other and I can't really do that (I think, so far at least) by multi-dating....

 

i was thinking that perhaps women would be better at the multi thing (because apparently they're better multi-taskers?)...but that theory doesn't hold much water. i'm not even sure it appeals to me...at all. the only reason i'm even considering it now is that i've met someone, spent significant time with her, and someone else i've been casually interacting with has sort of emerged and expressed an interest in being an 'activity partner' of sorts (nothing sexual implied there). so, it's just about weighing where i think things are at with the one. i'm not really sure what the expectations are/were...what the boundaries are. and, at this point, it feels almost taboo to mention it. so, i'm probably leaning towards not meeting up with the other.

 

but...i really appreciate what you're saying. and i think it's worthy of consideration for me because i tend to feel the same. i'm really a 'quality time' sort of person. that's what i thrive on. and that's really what it's all about in the initial stages. quality. maybe it's possible to juggle one or two at a time...but i question the value of that approach.

 

maybe i'm just curious! i almost envy my friends who are dating for sex. they'd be happy to find relationships...but they're thrilled at just having sex too. different realities i suppose.

 

In general I value this bond a lot and don't want to taint it as if it is a commodity.

 

i dunno...something about this just feels right to me. the dating world really has that commodity feel about it. but...it does work for a lot of people (i think? no one in my immediate circle, i'll admit)? it shouldn't' matter what works for other people though.

 

aaaand...we're back to intuition...

 

Maybe being too idealistic, who knows. But I also find that if I multi date I end up comparing rather than focusing on the individual. I had a crazy week of multidate in March, and it was rather confusing. Mostly it satisfied my ego and nothing else.

 

well...i wonder if that's all i'm after here. i'd hope not. it feels like a disaster waiting to happen...

 

thanks for your thoughts.

 

 

 

 

I hated playing the field, though i did, and i believe i thrived in that environment. I am too much of an introvert to divide my time and focus into different people.

 

yep. i've really noticed that about myself as well. it's an important consideration...knowing what works well.

 

 

Usually, if i met the "right one", i would quickly cut the rest off. So, when i was in the field, i wasnt around people i considered priority.

 

so, you never had more than one who felt like ''priority''? i'm not there yet...and probably won't get there. but i find myself wondering about it. why would i even want to allow it as a possibility? maybe it's not even possible. as you say...when you find someone of genuine interest, the rest are naturally cut-off, so it's really a non-issue. you wander around in 'no-man's land' until you bump into something (or, as in your case, it bumps in to you), and then progress from there with intention and focus. i don't think it's surprising at all the way it works. 'seeking' implies a kind of desperation which is unattractive at best. it carries a certain energy. i think when we stop putting out that vibe we're much more receptive to receiving things that are actually good for us. there's something appealing about people who aren't looking (even when we can't tell that they're not looking!).

 

don't mind me...just mulling things over. i appreciate your perspective, thor.

[dunfalma]

Well I will talk about my multidating adventures this summer and hopefully it will give you some perspective.

 

Ex and I had a final breakup after a very on/off relationship. I was so mentally done with him that I immediately reactivated my dating profile and began talking to guys. In the meantime I had sex with a friend but it was so bad that after a week I decided to not take it to a relationship level.

 

I met a guy for a first date last Friday and it lasted 8 hrs - with lots of talking/making out. He has a lot going for him and I do like him, but he freaked me out by taking down his dating profile after a date and calling me one of his best dates ever. He had asked me if I dated more than one person at a time, and I said I preferred to know different people before committing. We will have a second date next week, not gonna mention others I am seeing.

 

Third guy I met through a friend on 4th of july. We initially met up as friends on Sunday, ended up talking for 10 hrs till the sun came up. Talked more on Monday, and on Tuesday we talked for 6 hrs again before being intimate. So far I have more chemistry with him than the other dude, but in the past I would have been carried away and committed quickly and not given friday date a chance. Now - I am taking my time. This guy knows I was on a date on Friday and even made out with him. He also kind of freaked me out after our sunday date by saying he liked me a lot but was unsure about a relationship with me and I started thinking -please don't say the r word, I barely know you. However he seems to have started liking me as well, saying stuff like the night we shared was very beautiful and unique and he looked forward to more ... eh we will see how that goes.

 

Yesterday got asked out by another dude - our date is tonight. Will I kiss him ? probably.

 

My point is before I would only date till I found someone with whom I had a lot of chemistry, then kinda cut off the rest and focus on that person. But, chemistry is flawed. I would ignore red flags in the haze of lust. So now I am dating multiple people to compare/contrast and see over time who emerges as the better person. Would I say I am having trouble getting to know them? Not really - all my dates have been super long with lots of conversation. Atm I have more chemistry with one person, but all of them are very attractive and someone I could see myself with.

 

Will I have sex with them? Yes - sex is very important to me and is part of getting to know someone before you have a relationship with them. And unless you do it - you don't know whether it is bad. As the experience with my friend taught me, you can have make out and have some attraction, but sex could be soo bad that the attraction dies. But I always am hyper vigilant about safe sex so not worried about stds.

 

Do I feel guilt? I used to - but now I don't. Each person might not know details about other people, but I have told each one that I am seeing others and taking my time before committing. Way I see it, I am single and there is no commitment to be monogamous, so what I am doing is not wrong. If I were to lead them on, of course it would be different.

 

Biggest problem - scheduling. Seven nights a week - say three for dates/three for friends personal activities and that leaves just one for myself. I am an introvert who prefers to recharge by herself, so I am a little exhausted. Fortunately I also love one on one settings, so it is not so bad.

[Coconut Twin]

Never could grasp the multi dating thing - maybe I'm old fashioned.

 

1.) can't be arsed to meet different dates at different times, tallying it up who's more suitable - all too much brain work lol. My mind would go to mush, then I'd get confused because I might like one thing about one person and something else about the other one....

 

2.)It can get expensive - not that important but a good point given this age of austerity and all.

 

Ultimately, I prefer, the one by one approach. If it doesn't work out, then I get back on the scene or I just go on a mini break into single life and resume later on

 

In general I don't rush in most aspects of my life. ALways going slow or at least try to if I find myself hurrying for whatever nonsense reason lol.

 

The multi dating feels fast paced and I don't know, doesn' sit well with me. However, not knocking those who do it. whatever works for whomever.

[The_Seeker]

the general vibe...AUTHENTICITY. i think the more you present that...the more it comes to you. forget all the hoopla that preaches to it...and just focus on what it means.

 

well...i appreciate your presence, seeker. i don't always understand you...but if you need to get infractions to be who you are...then i wish you all the best in reaching your fullest potential!!

 

thanks again.

 

 

 

You can never get authenticity unless you know someone for at least a year.

 

I mean if you met someone new, everyone puts the "best" foot forward. Hence the term "first impression." People don't reveal themselves until 6 months.

 

However, there are some people who reveal who they are from the very start if they practice authenticity.

 

Like myself, I was myself from the start of the date til the end of the breakup.

 

You can't expect that people you date will be straightforward with you from the very start unless you get lucky then you are one hell of a lucky guy.

 

For me, there is no way a guy would be straightforward me. Sometimes I wonder if it is because I'm too attractive and think that I will chase due to them reading The Game, link removed, and PUA.

 

Don't get me wrong, I read those stuff too. Can't help but laugh that those crap don't work on me. LOL There were 2 guys who used the moves on me and I told them "Dude, you're freakin lame."

 

That's the thing, what parts do you not understand? LOL You're not being clear with me on what part so I can explain it further.

[The_Seeker]

Well I will talk about my multidating adventures this summer and hopefully it will give you some perspective.

 

Thank you dunfalma. I just started so I am a beginner level.

 

Ex and I had a final breakup after a very on/off relationship. I was so mentally done with him that I immediately reactivated my dating profile and began talking to guys. In the meantime I had sex with a friend but it was so bad that after a week I decided to not take it to a relationship level.

 

Ha ha, that's what I did too. But I don't wanna rely on online dating much so I am putting myself out there. LOL Don't get me wrong I do love match and checking out guys and their silly profiles.

 

I met a guy for a first date last Friday and it lasted 8 hrs - with lots of talking/making out. He has a lot going for him and I do like him, but he freaked me out by taking down his dating profile after a date and calling me one of his best dates ever. He had asked me if I dated more than one person at a time, and I said I preferred to know different people before committing. We will have a second date next week, not gonna mention others I am seeing.

 

See. This is what I mean. People aren't honest up front. Heck not even before or during the first date.

 

Hence why you need to date others, OP. You want authentic, but you can't have it unless you know a person for certain period of time.

 

;] Sounds like a great first date, dunfalma.

 

Third guy I met through a friend on 4th of july. We initially met up as friends on Sunday, ended up talking for 10 hrs till the sun came up. Talked more on Monday, and on Tuesday we talked for 6 hrs again before being intimate. So far I have more chemistry with him than the other dude, but in the past I would have been carried away and committed quickly and not given friday date a chance. Now - I am taking my time.This guy knows I was on a date on Friday and even made out with him. He also kind of freaked me out after our sunday date by saying he liked me a lot but was unsure about a relationship with me and I started thinking -please don't say the r word, I barely know you. However he seems to have started liking me as well, saying stuff like the night we shared was very beautiful and unique and he looked forward to more ... eh we will see how that goes.

 

LOL!!! At least your guy didn't say "I feel you're emotionally invested more than I am." I'm like ***? What type of signal was I giving you? I was just enjoying myself. LOL I didn't even talk about relationship with him or anything like that. Hell I was being myself when I asked him what were his worst qualities. LOL Just to cut the B.S. out of the way. I noticed he was superficial but I do like the way he looks. So far he and I haven't talk for a week. I am not contacting him or chasing him because this was what I did in the past and which I am changing and sometimes the pursuer needs a break and that is definitely me. I need a break for being the pursuer.

 

I know he'll be back. Once I post more update pictures of myself. Ha ha!

 

Yesterday got asked out by another dude - our date is tonight. Will I kiss him ? probably.

 

LOL Why not? It's not like you're married or in a relationship.

 

My point is before I would only date till I found someone with whom I had a lot of chemistry, then kinda cut off the rest and focus on that person. But, chemistry is flawed. I would ignore red flags in the haze of lust. So now I am dating multiple people to compare/contrast and see over time who emerges as the better person. Would I say I am having trouble getting to know them? Not really - all my dates have been super long with lots of conversation. Atm I have more chemistry with one person, but all of them are very attractive and someone I could see myself with.

 

That's what I'm doing as well. I'm not going to get exclusive right away without getting to know the person and their ugliness and badness. I know everyone can be good. But I wonder if I can put up with their ugliness and badness. LOL Whether they can handle me.

 

Will I have sex with them? Yes - sex is very important to me and is part of getting to know someone before you have a relationship with them. And unless you do it - you don't know whether it is bad. As the experience with my friend taught me, you can have make out and have some attraction, but sex could be soo bad that the attraction dies. But I always am hyper vigilant about safe sex so not worried about studs.

 

Dang, are you my twin? Yeah my current ex was very attractive, but the sex performance wasn't fun for me. I probably will do the same like you.

 

You know what, there is going to be a double standards that we are ****s for sleeping around with different guys despite the fact we are practicing safe sex.

 

Do I feel guilt? I used to - but now I don't. Each person might not know details about other people, but I have told each one that I am seeing others and taking my time before committing. Way I see it, I am single and there is no commitment to be monogamous, so what I am doing is not wrong. If I were to lead them on, of course it would be different.

 

If I were you, I let the guy know upfront that you are dating other people as well. Or else he will be pissed and god who knows what type of criminal mind he has.

 

I used to date one person at a time instead of a bunch of people due to guilt and I see it as a game.

 

After reading a bunch of ENA guys on here who date more than one girl etc and lead some of them on. I thought myself. You know what? I'm going to just do that. Also I'm currently emotionally unavailable about the moment and way too focus on my career.

 

Biggest problem - scheduling. Seven nights a week - say three for dates/three for friends personal activities and that leaves just one for myself. I am an introvert who prefers to recharge by herself, so I am a little exhausted. Fortunately I also love one on one settings, so it is not so bad.

 

Ha ha, I only date on the weekends. Usually a Friday/Saturday. Weekdays I'm studying for my exam, working out, and sleeping early then repeat.

 

Thanks for posting your point of view. I learned quite a lot. LOL I gotta admit having a big calendar with social events going on is quite fun.

[The_Seeker]

Never could grasp the multi dating thing - maybe I'm old fashioned.

 

I used to be old fashion. But for some reason, it doesn't work for me due to my failed relationships.

 

1.) can't be arsed to meet different dates at different times, tallying it up who's more suitable - all too much brain work lol. My mind would go to mush, then I'd get confused because I might like one thing about one person and something else about the other one....

 

Hence the calendar. LOL You know when you know.

 

2.)It can get expensive - not that important but a good point given this age of austerity and all.

 

LOL True. But that's what you two plan out what you want to do.

 

Ultimately, I prefer, the one by one approach. If it doesn't work out, then I get back on the scene or I just go on a mini break into single life and resume later on

 

Haha, I feel like I wasted my time hence I prefer multi-dating.

 

In general I don't rush in most aspects of my life. ALways going slow or at least try to if I find myself hurrying for whatever nonsense reason lol.

 

That's the thing. I don't know what you do for a living. But I'm in the accounting field where I hardly have time to do things that I quite enjoy. So multi-dating works if you are always on the GO on your work and life.

 

The multi dating feels fast paced and I don't know, doesn' sit well with me. However, not knocking those who do it. whatever works for whomever.

 

It is fast paced but if you've been scarred and burned, your mind starts to rebel the traditional views of dating. Heck I even rebelled quite recently.

 

Just gotta do what works for you is the best dating advice.

[tiredofvampires]

Ah, yes...the "I should diversify my love possibilities portfolio" dilemma. I know that one, actually. After my ex, I went through a period of feeling that my mistake was that I'd put all my eggs in one basket, too early, and that my MO had to change. So I tried out this idea -- only in the most tentative and conceptual way -- as well. And the bottom line is: it doesn't make sense to me. It makes practical sense, but not emotional sense.

 

Although I am not operating with men the way Seeker is, I do agree with what she's said about the problem of how well you really know what you're getting into, with a person, to get the information you seem to want here:

 

theoretically, the more people you meet, the more you know what works for you, and what doesn't.

 

Yes, theoretically. Theoretically, the probabilities of finding out who is your "Ms. Right" increase as you increase your numbers. But to find out what REALLY "works for you" is a matter of time and the labor of love, literally. So unless you throw in the towel with monogamy and go the polyamory direction to expand the boundaries and limitations of getting to know a person, the process will naturally require you to forego knowing someone on the level you need to, to know you are making some "right choice". If you are trying to find someone for the long haul.

 

In other words, theoretically, you could date, make love to, and have a full-fledged relationship with all the women you connect with strongly simultaneously, so as to feel out who the "winner" is. But this theory would only work if you were to temporarily suspend all that comes with monogamy from your criteria; and if monogamy is what you seek, the theory and practice can't possibly co-exist here.

 

What I found about this brief contemplation and experience (mine was with online dating, which you may not consider "dating" at all, and I don't either, but it fostered the same kinds of problematic issues, ethically and emotionally -- I haven't had many times organically, several GOOD candidates all come out of the woodwork at the same time)...what I started to become aware of was that it seemed to be driven by fear. Fear of being unhappy, of running out of time, of getting hurt. I had a fear of choosing the wrong person again, and having another break in my heart, and the whole process to do again. And there was the fear of losing the right person. Wanting to cover my bases, cover my ass, cover all possibilities -- in short, wanting some kind of guarantee that if I did all the "shopping around," I wouldn't err. And this is a basically the desire for a security that doesn't exist. I would even go so far as to say some greed is involved -- wanting to have it all ways, as risk-free as possible.

 

I also found what others are saying here -- that I was doing a lot of comparing, as opposed to just savoring the deepening process of one good connection. I actually suck at multi-tasking, but even if I didn't, this is not so much a multi-tasking skill, as an inclination to foster something in particular with someone particular.

 

You can't fast-track finding out who is best suited to you, in the context of a relationship, until you HAVE that relationship. There are no magic answers, and you will never be omniscient, even if you try for a feeling of it by sampling several people on a non-committal basis. It's the nature of the beast that you can't know a person -- really know them, and especially know what they're like within a committed relationship -- until many events and facets and experiences are had together, in a timeframe that long outlives the rudimentary stages of feeling drawn to someone's vibes. Or even having spent quality time with them for a few months.

 

Even if they and you are being the most authentic as possible, and no one is deliberately hiding things about themselves...you're simply not going to know the subtler nuances of how it is being with them. And what about living together? You won't know "what works for you" there, either, until that is experienced together.

 

So theoretically, you can try to find out "what works for you," but it will only be on the surface layers of getting to know someone.

 

For me, it's going to have to come down to the piecemeal trial-and-error, each time. Because I know that just because I'm incredibly drawn to many people, and have an affinity for them even as romantic possibilities go, I can't cultivate them all on the level that would be needed.

 

So if I run out of time and still haven't found the right one...that'll be that, I suppose.

 

I think the only applications for multi-dating are if you are either just doing it as a basic screening tool (which really doesn't give me the kind of feedback I am looking for), or if you're truly not looking for anything to go anywhere.

 

well...i definitely take time to form attachments. my inner pragmatist makes sure of that. but i seem to reach a point of no return...and at that point i'll throw all my chips in. but then, i'm a bit disappointed if there are others out there i'd like to spend time with...get to know better...develop a rapport with.

 

To me, that's a function of not being with the right person. When I say "right", in my world that means, someone with whom you feel so much love and connection, you don't even care to consider anyone else anymore. If I'm disappointed by choosing one person, and forsaking all others (in the dating sense)...that, to me, is a signal that I shouldn't really be making that commitment, and that something is lacking.

 

Finally, the sexual component....I was watching The Bachelorette a few weeks ago, and watched as she kissed her different suitors, as they exchanged hazy, dreamy romantic gazes. And I was just...icked out. It's a dramatized version of this, of course...but I actually felt revolted. To think that I would look dreamily into Guy A's eyes on Friday, and look just as dreamily into Guy B's eyes on Saturday? Not for me, no thank you. Quintuple that for the various other bases.

 

I've been in sexual situations of various degrees when I wasn't sure how I felt about the person...wasn't sure I was in love...wasn't sure where it was headed...was sure deep down it was not going to blossom into a relationship, even though this felt a bit like some "trial balloon"...was mad with lust and almost didn't care if I got hurt...and I'm at a place in my life where all of that does not line up with my goal, and therefore feels dead-end. I can't predict what I may find myself doing in the future completely, but I do know that as of now, I have a goal (if you can even call it that, because I'm not actively pursuing it, lol), and that is to foster something and build history with them until it reaches a point of certainty (as certain as you can be about anything, which is marginally, overall) that this is a keeper. Yup. I'm a romantic. Not going to change.

 

A kiss is not a kiss is not a kiss. A kiss carries with it for me....visions, not just spit.

 

I think multi-dating and romanticism are just mixing oil and water and trying to get that to blend right. Like, have fun trying.

[tiredofvampires]

Just a couple of other things --

 

Even practicing safe sex, I don't feel all that "safe." I'm probably more concerned with this physical risk than others, but the fact of the matter is that you can get herpes and HPV from protected sex (i.e., with condoms.) You're exchanging bodily fluids and vulnerable, private skin areas with sex. So for me, to possibly squander my health and clean status on some fly-by-night dalliance is just not worth it. I'd like to be free of STD's when the right one does come along.

 

Also, you brought up being afraid of hurting their feelings, sleepy. If you were to be intimate with others, or develop a rapport with others. I wonder, have you asked yourself how you may feel if the shoe was on the other foot? If these women were fine with the arrangement, but that you knew they were also developing a parallel rapport with some other guys, and even sleeping with them? How would you feel knowing this girl was snuggling with you on Friday night, and was busy Saturday night because she'd be snuggling with him then?

 

Finally, I don't think there's anything wrong with fostering close ties with people of the opposite sex while in or cultivating a primary relationship, like having an "activities partner" that you feel you can keep to platonic enjoyment of their company. I am not free of jealousy completely -- but I intensely dislike it, in either myself or my partner. So even though I would want monogamy, I would not feel comfortable with having to forego close rapport with other men who I'm not engaging in sexual interactions with (even if some attraction exists -- that's just human). So that is a different matter. If you have someone in mind you want to get serious with, and another who is an "activities partner", I see nothing wrong with that, as per my own values, anyway. A ton of people are less tolerant of that than I am, and that was THE reason my ex and I broke up. I'm not going to dictate who my partner can develop strong bonds with, male or female. And I'd like the same trust and freedom in return. But I'm open and transparent about that. So I don't see that as multi-dating, I see that as multi-socializing with a degree of depth, and that's just the kind of way I like to relate to people if the connection is right. So, I would feel no guilt about that (and next time, I'll be choosing a romantic partner who agrees I don't need to feel guilty over that. Lesson learned. I'm not polyamorous in the erotic sense, but in the "agape" sense; I'll never make apologies for that again, and it's a dealbreaking value for myself, I've found.) Might take a long time though.

[The_Seeker]

Just a couple of other things --

 

Even practicing safe sex, I don't feel all that "safe." I'm probably more concerned with this physical risk than others, but the fact of the matter is that you can get herpes and HPV from protected sex (i.e., with condoms.) You're exchanging bodily fluids and vulnerable, private skin areas with sex. So for me, to possibly squander my health and clean status on some fly-by-night dalliance is just not worth it. I'd like to be free of STD's when the right one does come along.

 

Uh, wouldn't you you both take the test before having sex? That's what I would do. LOL Hell yea I'm going to the hospital with him to make sure that test is his test before sleeping him.

[tiredofvampires]

Uh, wouldn't you you both take the test before having sex? That's what I would do. LOL Hell yea I'm going to the hospital with him to make sure that test is his test before sleeping him.

 

So say you have a policy where you're not tied down sexually, nor are your guys. So say you have 3 guys you're sleeping with, and each of them has 3 girls they're sleeping with, concurrently.

 

That's 9 women you are indirectly sleeping with, too. That's 9 different test reports you need to see, which you will never see. In fact, you won't even know if they've been done. Or if these 9 women are diligently showing the reports to your three suitors, and vice versa. Maybe they said they took the test to satisfy your lovers' requests, but didn't actually show them the reports, and are lying about results. Maybe your guys didn't press the issue far enough to see the test results. Maybe your guys -- if they are liars, themselves -- will say yeah, everyone I'm sleeping with has been checked, and that might be completely false. Maybe they tell you they asked their partners to get checked, but they didn't even ask.

 

This is not to mention that if those 9 women each have 3 lovers apiece, now you are indirectly sleeping with 27 unknowns. And so on, exponentially. Talk about "multiples", lol.

 

So that runs into a problem, unless you have agreed to be monogamous after a battery of tests. It's useless if you're not, because at any given time, a new person you don't even know the status of could be entering the mix. And you can't be testing each of your partners or yourself every time you have sex.

 

This is not even including the fact that we women are just out of luck in that there is no test for HPV for men. So there is no way to know if a guy has HPV, and it's the most common STD now, at about 60-80% of sexually active people infected.

[The_Seeker]

Let's say hypothetically because I haven't slept with any guy except for my current ex.

 

Let's just say the guy I want to sleep, and agree to go to the hospital to get tested out. However we also agree that we will pick up the results when we go to the hospital together. I will let the receptionist/whoever that I want the date and time on the result of each paper just to make sure both of us know that we didn't retake it again etc etc. I want it accurate because there is no way I'm getting an STD. If they don't bother to have the time and date stamp on that, then forget it.

 

LOL Chances if I did this the guy would have probably run by then. Hahaha!

[tiredofvampires]

Let's say hypothetically because I haven't slept with any guy except for my current ex.

 

Let's just say the guy I want to sleep, and agree to go to the hospital to get tested out. However we also agree that we will pick up the results when we go to the hospital together. I will let the receptionist/whoever that I want the date and time on the result of each paper just to make sure both of us know that we didn't retake it again etc etc. I want it accurate because there is no way I'm getting an STD. If they don't bother to have the time and date stamp on that, then forget it.

 

LOL Chances if I did this the guy would have probably run by then. Hahaha!

 

Every test has a time and date stamp, from the lab. So that's not the issue. (Also, you keep saying 'hospital'. I don't know how it works where you are, but in most places in the U.S., you don't go to a hospital unless you have an emergency or a special procedure that requires hospitalization. So you'd need to make doctors' appointments, wait for those, etc. And everyone concerned would have to have insurance, cuz those tests wouldn't be cheap. There are free STD clinics, but in our area, they don't allow partners to share results, for privacy reasons. This may not be true where you are. It's still a pick-a-number-and-wait-for-2-hours ordeal.)

 

The issue is that you're dealing with multiple random people you don't even know and can't keep track of, which is a lot of info that's out of your control. Even if everyone was perfectly honest to the letter and diligent (which is not going to happen), there are still window periods where antibodies don't show up. We're talking about weeks. So you could both get clear tests, he sleeps with an FWB the next day (which you may or may not be aware of), and all that paperwork's useless now.

 

And I agree, if you're going this route, most FWB's aren't going to want all this hassle. haha.

[FYI]

I know enough about playing the fields to know what it is that I'm looking for. So when I date, it doesn't take me very long to get to the bottom of someone and figure out whether or not I would be interested in continuing to date them. I have dated multiple women, but I was sexually intimate with them all - I only save that for one. I'm only intimate with the one that I'm most interest in and if this becomes more than just a casual thing, then I definitely will cut ties with the others. I used to believe in that whole one date at a time theory, but I've also learned that it's just not a very reasonable thing to do and I'll elaborate on that.

 

Because at one date at a time, that means that's one person you're talking to. That's an awful lot of pressure to really put into one basket with one woman or one guy. Good love takes a while to find and if you're only looking through one haystack, you're going to be there forever. I can date multiple women as long as I don't lie and I keep it real with what's going on. That's what dating is all about. You meet people, you have fun and eventually you get to the point where hopefully something develops. It doesn't always work out like that, so there are disappointments but we live with that. So you move on. It's hard not to take it personal, but sometimes we do and that's really just the nature of the dating world that we have to accept.

[The_Seeker]

LOL!!!

 

Thanks for the great details, ToV.

 

I never been to the hospital to get tested before. I just happened to trust my current ex.

 

I'm from the New England state in USA.

 

LOL In that case I'll just go on every first two dates, and move onto the next romantic date just to avoid sex. Hahaha just kidding.

 

;] Only the ones that are crazy enough, will right?

 

I got insurance to cover it if I do take the test.

[The_Seeker]

I know enough about playing the fields to know what it is that I'm looking for. So when I date, it doesn't take me very long to get to the bottom of someone and figure out whether or not I would be interested in continuing to date them. I have dated multiple women, but I was sexually intimate with them all - I only save that for one. I'm only intimate with the one that I'm most interest in and if this becomes more than just a casual thing, then I definitely will cut ties with the others. I used to believe in that whole one date at a time theory, but I've also learned that it's just not a very reasonable thing to do and I'll elaborate on that.

 

Welcome to the new story of my life.

 

So dude, did you get tested? LOL Sorry I had to ask. Because TOV does bring a valid point.

 

Details, please. Thank you.

 

 

Because at one date at a time, that means that's one person you're talking to. That's an awful lot of pressure to really put into one basket with one woman or one guy. Good love takes a while to find and if you're only looking through one haystack, you're going to be there forever. I can date multiple women as long as I don't lie and I keep it real with what's going on. That's what dating is all about. You meet people, you have fun and eventually you get to the point where hopefully something develops. It doesn't always work out like that, so there are disappointments but we live with that. So you move on. It's hard not to take it personal, but sometimes we do and that's really just the nature of the dating world that we have to accept.

 

That's what I'm trying to do. Thanks for telling me your story True Crime. It opened up my mind a lot.