New Journal

[itsallgrand]

It was soooo good getting away. To the water, and to the trees, and to less people and people things.

Just being there, I could feel my body relax. And this sense of contentment and happiness in me.

That's a lot closer to what I need and want. And it's not difficult.

 

Making it a bigger priority to spend more time away.

[itsallgrand]

Today is my biggest 'trigger day' of the year.

 

Last night I had a nice dream about kittens and puppies. lol. It was such an innocent dream!

 

I feel well today. I am aware of thoughts about things...things that have brought great pain to me, anxiety, fear, loss. But it's from a more objective place than I can remember ever thinking about these things.

 

Feeling tremendously secure in my own skin. And a bit excited. In a "look, look, look I'm doing it !" way.

 

Normal day and a day of personal triumph for me.

[itsallgrand]

I was thrown for a bit of a loop. It's funny who comes out of the woodwork and reaches out when you have disconnected yourself from somebody you had a long past with, and their life isn't going so well.

Not going so well is an understatement. I heard some awful news about my ex. There are accusations flying around, his wife left him, he lost his job, people in his life turning their backs on him.

People reached out to me to tell me he is on the move. And to warn me. All these people have contacted me to say he is unstable and they are scared of him now.

 

It made me feel pretty sick. I won't lie. I felt like I was gonna puke.

 

Once that passed, I felt ok again. I assessed. So ok. What about this do I really need to be concerned about?

He may try to find me again and contact me. Ok. So if he does, I do not have to engage with that.

 

He may be in a lot of trouble. He may be unstable and his life may be imploding right now. Ok. But there is nothing I can - correction - choose to do about that.

It's not my business to get involved and I don't want to be. Do I wish him any ill? At this point in my life - absolutely not. Did I feel sick and sad about the news? Yeah, I did. I do not wish suffering for anybody these days. In the past? You bet. I did. There was a lot of anger there. And I didn't know how to process people putting pain on others and NOT wishing them ill. But now I do. And it's so much more healthy and makes so much more sense with reality as I know it. Violence and anger breed more of it . Abuse breeds abuse. Etc.

 

So they were saying "he needs help" and telling me what they planned to do to deliver said help. I thought about it a bit and ended up saying that I did not necessarily agree. I do think he has serious problems. But I don't agree that the focus should be on tryng to convince him he needs help. I think nowadays differently than I used to. I really do. And I feel it in my heart. You can't bring help where it isn't wanted. And though well intentioned usually, it's often misguided and can cause harm. The only real choice is to respect other peoples right to choice. And let them deal with the concequences. I honestly sort of feel like whatever the whole deal is, these people are being somewhat emotionally manipulative and maybe are being manipulated themselves.

 

Whatever the case. I'm totally distancing and disengaging. And this is the end of the thought I will give it. Until or unless I need to again.

 

After it all was said, I went about my life as usual, and I thought about how I was feeling. Some upset; but mostly? Grateful. So grateful. I'm grateful I have and am prioritizing and have learned to take care of ME.

 

And I honestly feel like it has opened me up to caring about people more deeply. Because I can accept more of the flaws and horribleness now.

 

It's just a strange lesson in learning how the old "mow it over" approach is quite crude. Often, effective, but at a high cost.

[Cheetarah]

You're in a waaay different place about it than you were.

 

Proud of you, IAG.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you Cheet.

 

I feel a little out of sorts. Not only that thing, which has bothered me, and I think it's the wondering about whether or not I'm going to 'run into' him. I'd really rather not. Especially right now.

 

A few things together have me feeling a little out of sorts. An incident on Canada Day involving a man being macheted on the street at a place where I frequently am at. There were also stabbings (unfortunately, all too common here). And it scared me thinking about these people wandering amongst the crowd of all these people, undetected, with knives and a machete. A machete. It's absolutely insane to me . Surreal. There were also children who witnessed all this violence.

There was also a bombing here. Someone was very badly hurt.

 

This is a HUGE trigger for me. It cuts to my absolute fears in life. About security, and physical safety. How incredibly vulnerable we are as human beings. It really scares me. I could feel my brain doing its familiar thing of numbing out and a disconnection from myself.

That scares me too. Because how can I deal with things while in that state? And is this going to happen so easily every time something bad happens?

Am I always, going to carry that experience of trauma on that level?

 

Maybe.

 

I'm doing better than I would have in the past with this information. But I see others who are shocked and sad about the incidents, but other than that, they are basically not all that impacted. People are talking about it lots, and I can feel myself shut down. I don't know what to feel or do with it. It makes me very uncomfortable when people try to engage me in conversations about it, or even to hear news or talk about it. I can tell their brains and bodies aren't doing flip flops the way mine is. It's not normal. It's not only a reaction to what has happened now, but it draws off a well inside me. And that makes me feel weird in a way.

 

Yesterday, a man decided to cold approach me. I could tell he was going to do it before he even approached. He smiled and nodded to me from a bit of a distance. I was feeling closed off; I am not feeling safe. Nothing to do with him, but the above. I tried to discourage politely, making it more difficult for him to want to approach. But he did anyways.

He wasn't inappropriate. His game was pretty bad, but I don't fault anyone for that. He spilled my drink trying to shake my hand. It poured all over him. It didn't stop him though from going forward and asking me out. He was showing me where he works on his phone and couldn't stop talking. I knew the lady he works for, it's an outreach program that helps people in very tough circumstances. I was thinking about how if we had started talking on a different day and in different circumstances (not a cold approach) I might enjoy getting to know this person. But I said no. And said nice to meet you, and went on my way. He said "it's all good, but I had to try for my own peace of mind. It was nice talking to you,IAG'.

 

I need background to even feel safe to start to get to know a man. And that's alright, right? It is what it is.

 

I saw my mom before she is heading off to her vacation that I got her for Christmas. She was so excited. I could tell she is thrilled. She was getting a pedi, a haircut, new clothes, and this is a big deal for my mom. It makes me very happy. To see her give something to herself, enjoy herself. talk about her dreams more openly like they can come true; cause they can and I want them to for her. Her boyfriend was already talking about the trip the two of them will make together next time.

 

So I'm not feeling at my best but in perspective, I'm not crashing either. Just having a real blip in what can be an honestly scary world. I think it's honest enough to be scared of it sometimes.

[quirky]

Just having a real blip in what can be an honestly scary world.

 

Not much to add here but I understand that feeling so well. It's really hard to understand the level of violence we inflict on each other. Makes me want to disappear in a remote place even if that means to be eaten by a lion than be shot by a fanatic. To be eaten by a lion makes more sense to me. It's a disturbing world sometimes. I see it too in the line of work I am heading. But I guess all we have is today, this moment, the people we love and our own vision of what is meaningful. That's what we can live by and hold on to.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks quirky.

There isn't really an answer for it, I guess. It's part of life as a human being. It's just overwhelming sometimes. To be so aware of how delicate it all is.

[90_hour_sleep]

Hope you got your hug today.

[itsallgrand]

I did! But I think I need more. lol. Sometimes it just feels really good.

 

It's good to have a few people who can look at me and know. I saw my friend last night and as soon as she saw me, Hey! *gesture* *pulls me in a for a hug*.

 

These are the people that help keep me grounded. Through all the doom and gloom there is, there is also always love. The simple kind: caring. There's tremendous strength in that.

 

There's strength in community too. People were talking today about some of the recent events which has scared me, and one of the ladies said "It really scares me." I was so grateful she said that! It helped me to not feel so scared, somehow. I told her that - thank you for saying that. I'm scared by it too. I didn't feel as shut down after being able to say it - out loud - to other people.

[itsallgrand]

I forgot to mention that I did have a conversation with my friend about some of her comments and where is that coming from.

It was illuminating. She has this well of hurt and envy about certain things, and the convo sort of opened up Pandora's box. It came down to perceptions she has about herself and past experiences that have colored how she looks at these things. Negative experiences, by her remembering, of feeling like men were judging her for being 'bigger'. I mentioned how I do not think she is objectively 'big'. She is a healthy weight and not particularly tall, so I wondered why she thought this way about herself? It's like she views herself as an Amazon. (which I don't think would be a bad thing if she were, that has its own appeal and beauty, but what is interesting is she isn't and yet she views herself that way AND as a bad thing!).

 

I relayed some of the negative experiences I've had, and told her I think all women and probably men have some bad experiences because of what they are physically. Some people you aren't going to be their cup of tea, and then of course, some people are just jerks who use physical things as something easy to try and one down others with.

 

She said under her breath when I was telling an experience of mine, . That really hurt me. I said to her, why did you say that? Are you actually feeling jealous that someone was mean to me? I don't get it. It was not a positive experience, it was a negative one for me.

 

I've put more distance between us since then. She is not a bad person, even though this sounds bad. This one thing though, the snarky comments and digs, it's enough to really poison further closeness with her. So this is as far as we go. I understand more of where she is coming from now, but I don't like that she is choosing to deal with it this way. I think it's something she needs to address herself, and I hope she does. But I'm not holding my breath.

[itsallgrand]

It edited out the word she said, which was a variation of witch.

[Cheetarah]

I don't understand that at all. Why would she call you a name for sharing experiences that made you feel the same? What did she have to say when you asked her what is up with that?

[itsallgrand]

She said I don't understand. That's it's not the same because no one ever teased me for the exact things she feels she was judged for.

And whatever. Maybe she's right.

The more I've been away from it, the more I think I think it doesn't matter. I don't want to listen to that s/t. Friends are an oasis from all that. Judging. And taking pot shots. There are things she hasn't personally experienced that I've been through, but I'm not sitting there thinking - never mind saying - b/ch. That's a mean streak that I've seen before in others and I don't have any desire to be near that.

[itsallgrand]

Speaking of meanness. I was thinking about how I relate to it in the world. Sometimes I meet and get to know people, and there experience has been so different from mine. They don't really have an experience of meanness - the sort of casual, soaked into every day and pervasive so you think it normal meanness that I tend to have as a place in my head and heart that I think of as 'the norm'. And I love hearing these people's perspectives. And I want to be of that world. Where you see the world and people as basically good and safe and functional. Cause truth is, I don't. I see those people and those places as 'special'. Out of the norm. When I come accross it, I cherish it and thrive. But that baseline persists. Even though it's been chipped away at, chipped away at, and it no longer has such a hold on me. It's still there; floating around as a loose construct now, waiting for me to either put it back together to something that makes sense (which it doesnt to me anymore) or finish smashing it completely to something new. It's still in the 'tentatively hoping and feeling out' stage of development, this construct/world where casual meanness is 'not the norm'. And it's probably why I've felt I have had to make such hard lines about things. Because I feel this meanness/dysfunction has such a hold in the world, and some real power. Pervasive. So in that world, you have to hold on to your guns like you really mean it. There is no room for discussion, talking it out, coming to a consensus. And those are exactly the things I want to have with people. That freedom to do so. That approach. It's such a core struggle of mine. It's like bliss when I experience those times where things unfold in a healthy way. Everyone shows respect for each other. Respect. For respect you need to be aware of waht that even means. And not hide behind 'it's this, its' that' that I act this way. Accountability. It means accountability to yourself and the greater whole.

 

The mean comes down to mostly negligence of self and others. And negligence of others usually goes right along with negligence of self. Sort of just a random crapping on oneself and the world, all around. there's a mindlessness about it.

 

It's really important for me to put myself in the position to be around and immerse myself around people who are engaging their minds. I crave it. I crave being able to put down my guard in taht sort of way.

 

My thoughts tonight as I deal with a bunch of feelings I can't quite express about f/ked up people and their situations. It's mostly frustration. A feeling of disheartening. Like a cage cramping up around me. Like they are gonna suffocate me out.

 

and there's the core of what i need to face going into allowing myself to be open to the type of intimacy i am interested in having again. Except this time, i won't be straightjacketd to dealing with reactions when things get wild. i'm excited to do it and also feel quite green when it comes to going through things without the withdrawing portion of the program. No withdrawing , just letting it hang out there and hoping the other person has the patience and desire to work it through.

[itsallgrand]

Think I'll pack up the car and take a mini road trip for the weekend. I need to get out of this city for a while.

[90_hour_sleep]

 

 

happy weekend.

 

and there's the core of what i need to face going into allowing myself to be open to the type of intimacy i am interested in having again. Except this time, i won't be straightjacketd to dealing with reactions when things get wild. i'm excited to do it and also feel quite green when it comes to going through things without the withdrawing portion of the program. No withdrawing , just letting it hang out there and hoping the other person has the patience and desire to work it through.

 

no withdrawing. funny...i really relate to this bit; but, the bit about having a harder time seeing a fundamental goodness...i feel so differently. not sure when that happened though...because it wasn't always that way for me. was quite the cynic for most of my first 25 years. jaded a bit. unwilling to see other perspectives. but really just thinking that other people were dumbasses for the most part. i thought it was funny a lot of the time (think Red Foreman)...and i think others did too...but ultimately it didn't work for me.

 

of course...that's not really what you were getting at. but i think the root of that behaviour for me was a missing piece of the human connection puzzle. it's possible.

 

it's cool that you're excited about new potential. i think that's a grand place to be, IAG. wishing you well on that journey...

 

and on your road trip!

[itsallgrand]

I'm really digging into this withdrawing aspect of my personality now. When I feel like I am not getting the space I need to process, that familiar feeling surfaces. When I feel like someone elses needs or desires are pressing in my face for attention and I am not ready to give that, it surfaces.

When I respect my own speed, my own space, my own needs - it shrinks away. And what I am realizing is it that there can be a better balance here. But I need to speak up when I need more time, space, or I need some support of my own. Its ok to do that. And work with people.

This is really about being able to assert my own sense of self, in the midst of strong emotion. Sometimes, not even all that strong. Merely if it is complicated emotion.

I'm starting to see more clearly how I have contributed to keeping it going. I was not giving myself enough emotional space to process at my own speed, I felt badly and somehow 'wrong' for it, and so would end up in over my head before you know it. Emotions taking over, brain feeling left behind, til finally it shuts down, the whole works, and I'm out of there. Either physically (avoiding the person or a space), mentally (detaching from thinking about it), and/or emotionally (my feelings surrounding a person/situation/what is going on shutting off and going to a neutral detachment about it).

 

I've been on a few meets and a few dates in this last little while. Quite a lot, for me.

One of these people, we met and then went on a date. Already blowing up my phone, sent pics of himself (not nudes, normal ones) out of the blue by text, and keeps pushing for another date...sooon. Reasonable enough to ask for another date soon. And nice. Clearly he is interested. But again, it's a little too intense for me. He wanted a date the day right after. I said I had a good time. Have a lot to do that day. Would like to see you again. How about (two days off). He said ok, but then kept on pushing.

Now ? My interest way faded, and I'm finding myself trying to wrangle out of keeping the date. I am going to find a way to tell him I don't think this is a good match.

 

Yeah, compatibility. It's important. Even early on. The whole idea of being a good fit. Maybe for someone else they'd love all this attention already? But it just makes me feel invisible, in a way.

 

So that's just one little aspect to the bigger of it.

[tiredofvampires]

That IS a beautiful song. On one of my favorite instruments...some say the violin comes closest to the human voice (at least all the violinists in my family do). But I think it's the cello. So soulful. Thanks for that. It's on a frequency that works for me, too, right now.

 

I would probably feel as you do about the tempo of being ready for a second date the very next day after a first one. I don't just think it's something about you needing gallons of space. I don't think there are any hard-and-fast rules about what's "appropriate", as it's true that this might be the right pace for some other woman. But in my own experience, there's something a bit frantic about that kind of sense of urgency...and it doesn't bode too well. To be honest, I'm not sure it bodes well for anyone, even if some may enjoy that excitement and stepped-up momentum. I think pacing is an important component of building a rapport, and there may be such a thing as universally "rushing" along.

 

It's really such a fine dance. To build something that you find yourself looking forward to, but not to kill it with haste. To do so without any contrivance, even though you're bringing awareness to your process.

 

I know what you mean about feeling "invisible." When I was with someone who lavished attention on me early on, I wondered if there was something wrong with me that I wasn't eating it up sideways, but instead feeling less and less seen. It was almost like, I could have been anyone.

 

I want someone to give me a chance to show them what they love about me.

[itsallgrand]

Yes, you understood what I was saying completely TOV. Thank you for that. And thank you for sharing your thoughts about it with me.

 

I feel like, when I am very honest about it, this is the first time in life that I have been able to be a fully engaged participant in dating. And this is just dating! But it's the first time where I have felt so in control of my own aspect of the experience and my own contributions. I know my own self now, I know my own needs, I know what I want in a relationship. I know there are things about me that aren't going to work for just anybody, but that's ok. I know not everyone is going to be a fit for me and that's ok too. It doesn't make either of us wrong. I know I have to take care of myself first, and am happy to do that, want to do that, it's very important to do that and keep doing it. It's also the first time where I truly feel and understand that there isn't something basically wrong with me.

Dating brings up old insecurities and hot buttons but it's ok..because I can work through those, and I am working through those on a day by day basis. I also know other people are going to have their own set of unique old insecurities and hot buttons, and thats ok too. There is more to work with than I originally imagined, I suppose. I thought things were a lot worse off than they really are - talking in general. I really believe that with the right person we could go the miles. It's just a matter of the journey to that now, and sure there may be many twisting roads and dead ends too. But I can see it clear as day, what I would like to build with someone now.

 

I want to meet people now, and I also really want to get to know those people I like. Get to know. And let them get to know me. What you said about a fine dance is so true. And I'm really liking deliberate pacing, that isn't forced either, like you said - you find yourself looking forward, but not killing it with haste. Getting to know over time and taking it day by day if need be. Especially early on.

[itsallgrand]

Also, you have more than one violinist in your family TOV? Do you play an instrument yourself?

[itsallgrand]

One other thing I want to write tonight. I had a moment where a few things clicked into place for me as far as putting down my guard in a healthy way, and having that balance of caution and openness.

The person who initially brought me to ena, the person who I have such long history and the way that relationship ended really did a number on me: trust. The trust was compromised somewhere along the way. And because of who each of us were and what we knew at the time of having been together, we (both of us!) let that carry on too long without doing something about it. So it ate away at both of us. And things broke down. Interest in each other was throughout, we both cared about each other. But we didn't know what we were doing!! Really.

 

Lesson: neglecting continuing to build the trust and open communication is a killer to relationships. They are sooo essential.

If something is wrong, or just if someone feels something that is important, these things need to be shared! The happy needs to be shared, the appreciation, and the awkward and uncomfortable too. And something has to be done about it, before it gets out of hand. It's maintenance. We failed at long term maintenance.

 

It's ok. But lesson learned. The concequences of not staying up to speed on those things with people you are close to can be rather harsh. And be rather long lasting. For me...the ending of the relationship, and a lingering distrust in sharing. (I don't trust you with it, so I'll share less, you'll be less inclined to share too, and there feeds the cycle)

 

Odd that I thought the antidote would be the same as what caused the problem. But I didn't know that. I didn't know the problem til recently. We stopped trusting and talking to each other as much, about the things that really mattered.

 

I'd rather face whatever pains and awkwardness there is straight up now that I know this.

[tiredofvampires]

That's great that you have come so far, IAG, in knowing your own worth and honoring your needs. It sounds like something that should come so naturally...but how many are the ways some of us are tasked to climb our way back to that which we forgot so long ago.

 

I'm finding the slow-cook method of gingerly poking my head out to date feels a bit like trying on my new "me". You're right -- it kind of places your buttons out to be pushed front and center, and challenges you to see where you're at now. Kind of a gauge. I'm finding I still have some work yet to do on this one:

 

It's also the first time where I truly feel and understand that there isn't something basically wrong with me.

 

It's such a new feeling for me, like an alien mindset to think that there's actually nothing fundamentally *wrong* with me (even if I do have things I still want to keep working on and improving). I'm just ME, and I'm not everyone's cup of tea and that's actually a good thing. There should be some people who don't see eye to eye with me, or I'm in trouble. Recently I joked with a guy I was bantering with on a dating site, "I'm a bit like cilantro. You either like me or can't stand me." (and even venturing to say that to someone felt super refreshing!) Okay, maybe I'm not that completely polarizing, but it's kind of accurate anyways.

 

But it does bring up some of the old insecurities and fears, that's for sure. Things that are still a part of me, and that's sometimes hard to see clearly through, when the dance music has abruptly stopped, with our arms askew, and I don't know who stepped on whose foot, but we're both ambling/hobbling our separate ways off the dance floor...leaving me with my own thoughts again.

 

Yes, pretty much everyone on my late father's side of the family is or was (when alive) a violinist. My dad, his father, my uncle, and my cousins, who are professional violinists/musicians now (my generation). It kinda runs in the bloodline, though, as Eastern European transplants. Think "Fiddler on the Roof."

 

And also yep, I was classically trained, but on the piano (by my father, which is an immense and heavy story). I wouldn't say I "play an instrument", though, because it was so long ago that I stopped playing. I can still sit down and play/read, but it's quite an effort with how rusty I am. Every day I sat down to practice as a kid though, I dreamed of the day I'd pick up my guitar to play, which is what I really wanted more than anything in the whole world (I was not allowed to have lessons other than piano). It's a dream yet to be fulfilled.

 

Though I have often thought that if I could somehow buy a used cello, that might be a toss-up. I had one professor in art school who was just starting to learn cello, and I'd hear him scraping out these notes late in the evening in his office, when no one else was in the halls and his door was open. And somehow, it wasn't the screechy nails-on-chalkboard dissonance of newbie violinists...it was this quirky, lyrical, rough-around-the-edges timbre that had it's own beauty. Even when not played well, with baby beginner notes and a hoarse voice, that thing could sing.

 

So maybe. Someday...

 

There are still some piano songs that break me down, though, to wish I could sit down and play them.

[itsallgrand]

TOV, you can rent any instrument for pretty cheap at a music store!! If you get the desire to play with it, and it's nice in that there is so little commitment in it. Not having to spend a bunch of money and then feeling like you somehow have to learn or use it - just having it around the house to play with at your whim and fancy. Even if it's just the pleasure of seeing it there, touching it, getting a feel for it.

There's something about the cello...I agree.

And for me...for sure, the piano. Hearing someone play. It brought this big smile to my face, for some reason, thinking of you playing the piano now...no matter how rusty....just the evocative emotion and having that ability to express it through music...I always have longed to do that.

 

And yeah, maybe it does come naturally for some people, all this, but I'm just at a point where I am done with knocking myself for not being X Y Z or having done X Y Z. I'm ME. It's time to accept her. This other way is too exhausting. I want to be happy....and that doesn't contribute to being happy and my wellness. It's a downward thing. And what I said before about thinking the antedote would be the same as what got me to the trouble...I was thinking...it applies to so much. When I catch myself in one of those little hooks now - I find myself going "hey, wait a minute here. You have the time, it's important to make the time, to sort this out with yourself. " Going back to my own needs, and not ignoring or devaluing them. I keep reminding myself of how I've tried the other way...

 

I'm glad to know though taht I'm not the only one working this through, and having others who can see how exciting this all is...cause it really is, isn't it?! It's new doors opened. New possibilities. Anything is possible if you give yourself the chance.

 

I had a great day today. Then I came home, was getting ready to go out and meet with some friends, and I broke down in tears. The kind that goes right down deep and after, it's like you had a full body massage. It actually felt great. Getting it out. Not even sure what I was all crying about. But it was a relief. To let go of some more somethings . Tensions, worries, blocks. It just felt really great.

[itsallgrand]

Since I'm working tomorrow anyways, and the long weekend is coming right up, tonight is going to be one of those nights just for me.

I'm thinking when I get home I'll cook some chicken curry and rice and make a nice salad. Open one of the bottles of wine that have been sitting. Watch a few shows. Take a special bath. And just relax and let things sink in...the week...me myself and I. Get a good sleep.

Yeah, this is sounding good!

[quirky]

It feels so homely reading your posts TOV and IAG !

 

Regarding music, instruments and the love for music. I have personally never felt more free, exhilirated or myself than when I write/play music. It brings together so many aspects of our selves, creativity, intellect and emotional freedom. I saw a band 1 week ago and was tearing up while watching them, particularly the tuba player..there was something so organic and natural and raw to the process, a man with an instrument and the sonic miracles this creates.

 

TOV- my best friend is a guitar teacher and he mainly teaches kids and about 3 of the parents have taken up his teaching after seeing him with the kids because they always wanted to do it too. It is mostly the dads (why ?!) but what I am trying to get to is that it is never too late for you to sit with your guitar and strum some songs or write your own, I am sure you have a lot to share Guitars are very cheap in second hand shops or online and you can start with online lessons on youtube if you cannot afford a teacher.

 

IAG - I completely understand and share your insights into accepting yourself, in being authentic and just being you, complex, beautiful you Life is more liberating that way. And now you have reached that awareness it makes you wonder how you went about it any other way. I guess time and maturity bring us to those realisations.

 

I remember once 18 months ago or so when I had an awkward moment with someone, I must have said something heavy or dark or just something not expected and I thought crap, why do I need to be so intense with things? And then I realised that the right people will just get it. And that I like intense and complex and very silly people and now I just cannot be anything else but that. Even if it means the majority don't respond..the ones that do are the right ones.

 

So I understand what you are referring to about being YOU.

 

Dating is such a sore subject for me. After many insights and realisations I have reached a place where I aloow someone to see me fully for who I am yet I feel still ambivalent as to how much I honour my needs. I seem to have an idea of what I want and then question how realistic that is. So..yes, still struggling with that.

 

What do you think is your biggest challenges in dating? This is for anyone to answer.