Relationships With Severely Avoidant People

[Silverbirch]

Double posting

[mhowe]

I didn't pursue the conversation, but I did notice he was extra loving and affectionate, and he did tell me he doesn't want to be with anyone but me. Then when I saw him today, he still had a big grin on his face, and it was the first thing he talked about. I stayed cool, and said to him that of course, if he would rather be with her, that's his choice, and okay, but I wouldn't be hanging around.

 

I am assuming that you said this w/ a serious tone of voice --- you were not joking. SB --- you need to learn to accept that you are in a relationship w/ a man who values you. That he joked the nite before and the next time you saw him regarding this bimbo -- he doesn't have eyes for anyone but you. His ego was stroked -- that is it.

 

If you can grasp that confidence, you will find these encounters amusing, and not anxiety producing. Whenever someone flirts w/ my bf, I just sit back and watch the show. Afterwards, I joke that "you must be feeling very special by now"....and that is it.

 

While 9 months is early days, I think this one has the potential to go the distance. Believe in yourself -- David obviously believes in you.

[Silverbirch]

Hi and thanks Mhowe, well I was serious in that I won't be hanging around if he chose to take up with this woman, but I was laughing throughout part of the conversation. Even right after that woman hit onto him big time, he was very affectionate towards me and held my hand accross the table, and said deeply personal things to me about . . . . commitment!!!!! I don't know and not really fussed too much if we never marry, but I think he is already commited to me and I don't want to be with anyone else.

 

I know I must sound histrionic to a lot of people, but that a was a very big thing for me. My ex ex turned out to be a serial cheater, then the next man after him became obsessed with a younger woman who he was seeing all along - claiming she was just a friend. I guess I felt like I would always be dumped or cheated on for younger women, and this woman is younger, and obviously has a lot more money and whatever than I have.

 

He speaks very bluntly and doesn't apologise for that. A couple of days ago before this happened, he said - (exact words) to me, "I'm with you because I like you a lot as a person. You're a very good soul and you like me and accept me, and that's important to me. The fact that you're not bad looking and the sex is very good is a bonus - it's not why I'm with you."

 

Thank you for sharing what you say. I'm going to say that or something like it next time. I wouldn't have had a clue what to say - yes, it was anxiety-provoking me - but I do know now that I likely don't have anything to worry about in that regard.

 

David said to me a couple of weeks ago, "Sometimes you lose confidence in yourself, and when that happens, then you lose confidence in me." I guess he's right. I don't want to blow this. He's so worth it. THANK YOU

[mhowe]

David is right --- when you question your worth, you devalue his judgment. And that is not a pattern you want to create.

 

Know that in ANY given situation, David would choose you --- in part, because you have chosen him. It is a two way street --- but you have to walk w/ your head high and your shoulders back. You have brought much to the table, and gotten a man who was pretty closed to open up. And that is because of who you are --- OWN it!!!!!

[Silverbirch]

THANK YOU MHOWE SO MUCH. Lately, I began to feel haunted again by things which happened with the ex ex, and I know we need to provide our own healing, but I'm feeling that what has turned out to be a positive experience with him - realising that he would choose me - even with this other woman so clearly throwing herself at him - it feels like part of the healing process for me. I lost so much confidence in myself an my judgement. Thank you.

[mhowe]

It sounds like I am preaching, and I don't mean it that way:

 

You have to deal w/ your past and put it to rest. David does not have it "in him" to cheat on you. Maybe you thought that about the others, and you were wrong...and having been burned, are hesitant to trust. But really, does D. deserved to be tarred by the same brush as those that came before him.

 

From the outside looking in, you have found the genuine article. So heal yourself -- you will be amazed at how much more the Healed SB will enjoy the new relationship -- and how David will respond.

[Silverbirch]

No he definitely doesn't deserve that MHowe. I am feeling very relieved right now.

[Silverbirch]

Another ENA member sent me this lovely quote from a book:

 

THE MUTUAL DANCE OF LOVE

In the mahayana, love and affection are largely based on free love, open love which does not ask anything in return. It is a mutual dance. Even if during the dance you step on each other’s toes, it is not regarded as problematic or an insult. We do not have to get on our high horse or be touchy about that. To learn to love, to learn to open, is one of the hardest things of all for us.

[Silverbirch]

Double post

[Silverbirch]

Hi if you are there Blue Spiral and others. Just wanting to ask a question. A friend of mine had a partner very like mine and she had said to me that her partner had a lot of issues also with making any types of plans (not just with her) and was constantly changing them.

 

It was my partners birthday yesterday. We spent the evening before together and then yesterday and had a lovely time. However, I noticed something to do with plans. He had invited his family to attend a dinner with us at a local restuarant for his birthday to take place this Saturday. He cancelled this, and was talking about other dates with me. I was gettting this vibe from him that this was seriously stressful for him to be trying to organise a date to meet with his family. I know he loves them all and his daughter was being invited too. He has talked to me before about how difficult it is for him - the words he once used were "due to the commitmentphobia" to make any types of plans. He said that the only reason he could do it with work was that he knew he could get out of it if he wanted to or re-organise things (he is self-employed). I said to him yesterday that if making the plans for his birthday is that stressful for him, it would be okay by me if he just decided to wanted to go out spontaneously somewhere - a time and place of his choice - for his birthday and I would pay. He gave out a sigh of relief and seemed very happy with that. Funny thing is that he has now said that on Saturday, he just wants to spend the evening with me either at home or at a local and favourite local Italian byo.

 

Coincidentally, recently, a woman at work who I have known for several years told me recently - there had been no talk of my partner or anything like that - that she suffers from "a deficit disorder - in her case, she said it mostly manifests as ADD, hyperactivity and in her case, she has dyslexia. We did always notice that you can always see a trail behind her of where she has been. She's a lovely person and good at most aspects of the job but she has done a few things which have appeared to most people as extremely scatter-brained. Her dyslexia hasn't precluded her from being able to complete the written and administrative tasks. She did say to me that thoughout her life, she believes she has attracted people to her who are psychopathic, that they make her life hell, and that this happened with a manager at the current place we both work. She does seem to pick on things that have gone straight past me, for example, we had a client who was a convicted sexual offender. I NEVER would have picked it in a million years, but she did right away. I like this girl (as a friend and co-worker).

 

Anyway, just wondering if there are people here who think think they might have some type of deficit disorder or people who have been partners of others with something like that and strategies they have used to be able to be together harmoniously without draining each other - or just insights and suggestions. Thanks..

[Silverbirch]

Hi if you are there Blue Spiral and others. Just wanting to ask a question. A friend of mine had a partner very like mine and she had said to me that her partner had a lot of issues also with making any types of plans (not just with her) and was constantly changing them.

 

It was my partners birthday yesterday. We spent the evening before together and then yesterday and had a lovely time. However, I noticed something to do with plans. He had invited his family to attend a dinner with us at a local restuarant for his birthday to take place this Saturday. He cancelled this, and was talking about other dates with me. I was gettting this vibe from him that this was seriously stressful for him to be trying to organise a date to meet with his family. I know he loves them all and his daughter was being invited too. He has talked to me before about how difficult it is for him - the words he once used were "due to the commitmentphobia" to make any types of plans. He said that the only reason he could do it with work was that he knew he could get out of it if he wanted to or re-organise things (he is self-employed). I said to him yesterday that if making the plans for his birthday is that stressful for him, it would be okay by me if he just decided to wanted to go out spontaneously somewhere - a time and place of his choice - for his birthday and I would pay. He gave out a sigh of relief and seemed very happy with that. Funny thing is that he has now said that on Saturday, he just wants to spend the evening with me either at home or at a local and favourite local Italian byo.

 

Coincidentally, recently, a woman at work who I have known for several years told me recently - there had been no talk of my partner or anything like that - that she suffers from "a deficit disorder - in her case, she said it mostly manifests as ADD, hyperactivity and in her case, she has dyslexia. We did always notice that you can always see a trail behind her of where she has been. She's a lovely person and good at most aspects of the job but she has done a few things which have appeared to most people as extremely scatter-brained. Her dyslexia hasn't precluded her from being able to complete the written and administrative tasks. She did say to me that thoughout her life, she believes she has attracted people to her who are psychopathic, that they make her life hell, and that this happened with a manager at the current place we both work. She does seem to pick on things that have gone straight past me, for example, we had a client who was a convicted sexual offender. I NEVER would have picked it in a million years, but she did right away. I like this girl (as a friend and co-worker).

 

Anyway, just wondering if there are people here who think think they might have some type of deficit disorder or people who have been partners of others with something like that and strategies they have used to be able to be together harmoniously without draining each other - or just insights and suggestions. Thanks..

[Blue Spiral]

I can relate to your guy's situation. I'm not particularly good at making plans that involve other people, especially groups...or at least, I'm not comfortable with it. I can force myself to stick to schedules, though. I think you handled that wisely. Between the anxiety of committing to a social event and the prospect of the actual social event itself, it wouldn't have been much of a birthday for him, I'm afraid.

 

I don't have ADD or anything like that, so I'm afraid I'm not much use on the second part. If anything, I'm the opposite: I hone in on things and pay way too much attention to everything. We all have issues, and we all need to work to be aware of both our own issues and other people's, so we can get along better.

[Batya33]

Having been in many situations with people who behave in this way about making plans, what I would do if I were you is go about my life making the plans you want to make that can include him if he wants to join (either something that you don't mind doing by yourself or include others so his attendance doesn't matter so much) and let him know, nicely, that that is what you plan. Minimize the important plans where you'd be very disappointed or frustrated if he cancelled or gave you stress about it. Don't avoid the travel/vacations you want to do just because he behaves in this way because that will build resentment. Perhaps when he experiences you doing all sorts of fun and interesting things without him because he chooses not to behave in a reliable way, that will motivate him to work on his issues more. He's been able to work on these issues when it comes to work -and my sense is that although he is self-employed there are times when if he behaves unreliably he will lose business/clients/his good reputation -his customers or clients are his bosses just like someone who has an employer.

 

I don't mean for you to punish him but he has to see that you're not going to cater to him and indulge him to any significant extent. Sure, at times you can - when it doesn't affect your life in any real way, then make a plan knowing he might cancel at the last minute or want to change it or let him make the "plans" for the weekend even if that means no plans or plans that get cancelled. But not the majority of the time and not so it builds resentment or frustration in you.

 

I know you believe him that this is due to some issue like ADD or similar (at least that's how I understand your post) but there is a part that is within his control, part of this is his choice even if it's a choice to work on it or otherwise. Since you posted this I assume you're not 100% ok with living your life according to his choice not to make concrete plans.

 

For me, personally, it wouldn't work in a serious relationship and I have ended or significantly diluted friendships where it got too frustrating/stressful to have it all on me to make plans (only to have them broken for lame reasons or have the person show up so late the plan couldn't happen) and it affected the substance of our connection - for me it leads to a lack of trust and I feel disrespected at some point, especially, since (like you I am sure) I have a busy life where free time is precious and sparse so I don't have room for significant unreliability or what you refer to as commitmentphobia. It sounds like you have a higher tolerance than I do for that kind of behavior so what I wrote above could work well for you.

[mhowe]

Strangely enough, SB, my bf has a similar issue. And it is only about HIM making the plans -- although he doesn't ever flake or change his mind if I make the plans. I don't know what it is ---

 

What I do, if I have a function that I truly want him to attend, is "plant the seed" well before --- he will hem and haw about committing, I just leave it alone.

Two days before, I remind him that it is coming up --- and he will say "I can do that".....but it is sort of like....letting him warm to the idea. I do not know where the reticence comes from ---a control issue? But he has never not gone when he said he would...weddings, parties, dinner w/ friends.

 

So, my advice --- is manage the plan, let him have a bit of "control" -- and know that if he should flake, it is a reflection on him....not you.

[Silverbirch]

I can relate to your guy's situation. I'm not particularly good at making plans that involve other people, especially groups...or at least, I'm not comfortable with it. I can force myself to stick to schedules, though. I think you handled that wisely. Between the anxiety of committing to a social event and the prospect of the actual social event itself, it wouldn't have been much of a birthday for him, I'm afraid.

 

I don't have ADD or anything like that, so I'm afraid I'm not much use on the second part. If anything, I'm the opposite: I hone in on things and pay way too much attention to everything. We all have issues, and we all need to work to be aware of both our own issues and other people's, so we can get along better.

 

Yes, he is a lot like you. At first, before I began to understand what it was about, it was very frustrating and hurtful. With him, there are some plans he can stick with, for example, he had to travel to the country to buy a piece of machinery. Not too many problems with that. That's a very different situation to meeting with people at an arranged event, with him being the birthday boy and naturally, people would expect him to stay. For whatever reason, and there are several, I think he needs to know that he can make a quick exit at any time. He can do that if he is buying something. When it involves relationships with people, especially family and partner, that's quite a different thing. I only ever gave him the choice of a birthday dinner and told him to invite whoever he wanted to. Something else I started to wonder about is whether he experiences any type of sensory overload when he is in places like shoppping centres or anywhere where there are a lot of people, especially in confined spaces and a lot of noise.

 

Blue Spiral, I'm not sure if he has ADD either - I think he has mild traits of Aspergers, and that he "thinks more in pictures". He is however, always busy, he enjoys that and he is always working on one of his projects or doing things with his animals. Part of why I'm attracted.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Bataya, and thank you for your reply. Things have mostly been working well atm because with my life I can be as busy as I want to be and I have my own friends and interests. Truthfully, it was a problem for a small part of last week. I have something in my own life happening, which I have chosen not to share with him or others. I'm not wanting to lean on anyone or be needy. I was however, really looking forward to seeing him on a particular evening, but I didn't get to see him until the next evening. No big deal really, but at the time, I did for that day wish that he could make plans he could stick to. Another thing I realise about myself, is that it is instinctive for me, and probably a lot of other people, that when a person close withdraws, my instinct tells me to pursue. That's just such a counter-productive thing to do. I need to be certain of maintaining a very full life of my own and being able to stand back from him when I sense his need to withdraw. I am VERY surprised though at how whenever I do that, I end up seeing so much more of him - more than I expected - and that he shares things about himself with me that I don't think he shares with anyone else.

 

Fortunately for both of us, we are alike in that we are both people who put our roots down, and we like to stay where our roots are. My own family have struggled a little with this. They live interstate, and after a couple of days, I'm wanting to come home to my pets and everything else. David is very much like this too. Even though there are many places I've thought of going, I find it hard to part with a lot of money for a holiday. Partner says, "I live in the Y Valley, which is the best place in the world, so why would I want to go anywhere else." There has been talk between us though of going to "The High Country" which is just a couple of hours drive away. I know we must sound so boring.

 

I understand exactly what you say in your last paragraph about the planning because I've had to weigh all of that up in my mind too, and as I said, I've had times I felt annoyed. At the end of the day though, there are things about him, wonderful things which I love and he is unlike anyone else I've ever been with. There's the physical thing there too, and it has never been quite like this for me with anyone else. It isn't going to be a traditional, conventional relationship.

[journeynow]

The focus of the two types of events you mention are different. One's business, the other's social. During the first, the focus would be on the machinery, and the talk about facts, use, cost, etc. There's a certain structure and control about that, and like you said, he can leave without offending anyone. During the second the focus would be on him, multiple people facing him, expecting certain undefined things from him—chit chat, manners, appreciation perhaps—and the whole thing is a bit open ended in comparison to the first. Maybe instead of a birthday dinner he'd enjoy an activity, such as a hike, a boat tour, a barn-raising...

 

You might be right about the sensory overload in places you mentioned. (I feel much the same way in crowds and noise, or in fast-moving multi-lane traffic.)

 

(I guess I haven't offered any advice about planning/not planning, though. Just some thoughts...)

[Silverbirch]

Hi JN and thanks, we cross-posted. Yes, absolutely. I recall also meeting up with him at a doctor's surgery last year when he was really unwell. He seemed quite agitated, and wouldn't wait at the surgery as it was one of those emergency places you go without making an appointment. Whilst I might feel annoyed a bit at having to be in a room full of coughing, spluttering people and noisey children, I thought his reaction a bit unreasonable at the time. He "wouldn't" wait, and went home, and made an appointment with his GP the next day. My response to him was that he would have been seen a day earlier if he had just waited - even if it was a couple of hours. It makes sense to me now.

 

The other thing I mentioned earlier I think was that when he becomes seriously physically unwell, as he was last year, he develops greatly heightened sense of smell, particularly to certain smells like chemical odors from cleaning products.

[Silverbirch]

Hi MHowe, it is definitely with anyone making plans, including himself in D's case. I doubt with him I could warm him to any plan LOL! The best times we have had have happened spontaneously. I remember once, we were walking down the street one evening - we were just going to get some takeaway. We walked past this restuarant, and I commented how beautiful it looked. He asked me if I wanted to have dinner there, and when I said yes, we went in and it was the nicest dinner I think I have ever had.

 

Re weddings, I can't imagine him ever going to a wedding or anything like that though I suppose he will have to if his daughter ever marries. I'm amazed he ever married. Speaking of weddings and marriage, last week I said to him, that the marriage which would suit me best would be a Tantric marriage. We have a dvd on it. He was very impressed with the DVD. I reminded him that there is no church attendance or paperwork to sign. Usually, it entails having sex every morning between 5-.30am - although tantric couples do make time to come together regularly for sex. It's not just a physical thing though. I remember a while back when we watched the dvd, he told me that was what he wanted with me, and I definitely feel the same way. I guess it's about physical, emotional and spiritual closeness - but there is the acknowledgement that you both have to go off on your own journey each day.

[Sapientia]

Anyway, I wondered if there are other people out there like me who are in relationships with people with this type of personality. I guess I'd like to understand more. A while back, I do recall reading Al Turtle on avoiders and clingers and the dynamics. I'm not looking to actually "cure" him, but I guess to understand what I should expect if I do choose to stay in the relationship.

 

Learn to be okay with being alone in your relationship. Seriously. If you need emotional connection and people, you won't be happy longterm with him. Read my divorce post to get a taste for how it can be. Don't let his present 'gentleness' fool you. Avoidant people can be very fierce when pressured to come out of their comfort zone. People who are 'asperger-like' (I don't know if the adult diagnosis is real or not) are usually happiest with those who are like them. They admire the more outgoing personalities, but can't relate to them.

 

Eyes wide open on this one. Your gut is already telling you something, I'd listen very carefully.

[Batya33]

Yes yes yes - it's all about self-honesty and balancing what your limits are ,how much you want to be with him, whether your limits are flexible, etc. It's very individual and I think you have the talent of self-awareness and honesty which will take you so very far.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Sapientia,

Thanks for your post. I can tell you for certainty that Asperger's syndrome exists for adults. I have worked for the most part of 14 years with people with autism, mostly adults, some children, and managed a residential facility for youngish adult men with autism, some of whom had Asperger's although all of them were profoundly affected unlike my partner who only has a mild level of some shared traits of some people with Asperger's. I think I mentioned on this thread that he had told me that he had often wondered if he had it, that he felt he was "different" in some ways to most people. By his own admission, he finds it difficult to be around groups of people, even ones he knows well and cares about. He finds 1 on 1 much easier than groups. Unlike your ex-husband, I haven't found him to be markedly different in the work environment - I was originally one of his clients. I met him through his boss and we had some shared acquaintances prior to meeting. If anything, due to knowing him better over time and closer contact, he would be warmer and friendlier to me than when I knew him as a client - and then as a friend and eventually as more.

 

I'm uncertain as to why you thought your ex-husband might have Aspergers. I will say though that if I had been in your shoes, the suggestion that you have sex with his friend would have caused major problems for me - and I wouldn't stay due to that incompatibility. So far at least, my current partners sexual preferences seem very unlike your ex-husbands.

 

I read your Divorce Rant thread, but the only thing I could really see in common so far is that both men enjoy activities on their own more than most people.He and I each have brought up a child on our own from aged around 5 years to adulthood. He was VERY involved with his daughter. If anything, I would say both of us, to a degree, over-indulged our children and love them dearly.

 

I think that because you are in the process of divorcing your husband and understandably angry, I found it difficult to get much of a sense of who he is. From what I could make out from your posts, at one time, there seemed to be some happiness and compatibility and time together. Then it seemed as though you married, had children, you gave up a good career "for him", he travelled all over the country away from you and the children, you brought them up alone, and you never spent any time together. They all sound like great reasons why a lot of us would choose not to marry or at least not in the more traditional sense.

[Silverbirch]

Yes yes yes - it's all about self-honesty and balancing what your limits are ,how much you want to be with him, whether your limits are flexible, etc. It's very individual and I think you have the talent of self-awareness and honesty which will take you so very far.

 

Thanks Bataya. He never expects me to not do something else I wanted to do for myself or with my own friends to do something with him, and he always makes that very clear. I haven't felt the need or pressure to give anything up at this stage at least as there seems to be room for all of it. When he recently went further out a few hours into the country to buy some machinery, he asked if I would like to go with him and offered to drive a fair bit out of his way to pick me up. I would have enjoyed that but I had something more urgent I needed to do that day, and he was clearly disappointed that I didn't go with him but not cranky.

 

He rang me late last night as we always do to say good night and it looks like the whole birthday dinner with his family has fallen apart now due to difficulty in dates not working out due to some of them having all made another arrangement together. He said he wished he hadn't messed around with the dates but if I want to, just he and I can go out to dinner on that evening. It's still 2 weeks away, and I'm not fussed either way what happens on that date. I'd say we will almost certainly spend it together. Where we go,what we do, I'll know when we get there.

[Silverbirch]

I hope I'm not being a pain, but I wanted to check in to tell you all that I had the loveliest time with him last night and then today - and then I had to go to work.

 

Well, last night we ended up staying at his place. It was such a cold night by our standards here. We sat huddled up to keep warm and watched the first telecast of the Tour de France together and ate pizza and cuddled. Neither of us are sporting people although David used to run and swim and cycle a few years back. Cadell Evans who was the Australian who won it last year was a local boy here and even lived in the house I now live in when he was in his teens. His mother still lives nearby so there is always local talk in that people are thrilled he has gone on to have his dreams come true.

 

Both of us slept very deeply last night then slept in longer than we usually do. We went out and had a nice brunch and there was lots of talk, and none of it felt forced, and there was a LOT of laughing too. I was a bit surprised too at some of the very loving things he said. He loved the presents I bought him for his birthday, just a few bits and pieces but he especially liked a book I gave him on antique tractors and another book I have posted about called: "Everything I Know About Women I Learned from My Tractor". He sat up in bed last night reading it and laughed at all the same things I did. It turned out to be a good conversation opener about men and women and love and all of that. He was so happy today and so was I. I've been reminding myself that no matter how much I love him, I'm still going to protect my heart. I didn't have time to drive home before going to work, so he is taking care of my little dog for me. My dog loves him to bits and even though David has dogs of his own, he spoils my dog more and gives him special privileges. When we spoke on the phone to say good-night, he had my dog in bed with him. When he has cared for my dog in the past, first thing my dog will do is go to his bed, sit on my side of the bed and not want to move so David will coax him away with play and treats. So cold here still and not far off sleep. HOpe you're all well.

[Silverbirch]

Just thought I would check in here to say we are STILL together. There have been the usual ups and downs, nothing too dramatic, but we do seem to be getting to know each other more intimately as time goes by, and learning how to be together.

 

D finally got to meet my grown-up son a few days ago. They got along okay, but no big deal if they didn't.

 

I think that whatever happens with this relationship, I AM making progress with MYSELF. As most of you would know, I had a recurrent tumor removed recently. I chose, for various reasons, not to tell D. He thinks that I was in the hospital, just to have some more tests done which all came back okay. Anyway, I'm not expecting the news to be too bad, although I know they would be 99% certain that it was another carcinoma, but a small one, and they got it early. David insisted on driving me to the hospital - I had to be there at 7am, and despite having a general anaesthetic, they let me home the same day so David collected me late afternoon and took me back to his place for the night.

 

Even though, I am feeling quite positive about the cancer, I know there is always the possibility that it will develop somewhere else in my body, just like it could for anybody - even people who so far haven't been diagnosed with anything, you just don't know what might be around the corner. I've accepted that I might be living where I am for the rest of my life - that I may not get the chance to live with David, even if the relationship works out. I'm not going to lump myself on him if I get REALLY sick.

 

Well, I've started putting more energy into the place where I live which I know refer to as "My Sanctuary". It truly is a sanctuary. David came over on Friday and we did some things together with the ponies. We were sitting under a tree in my yard, and this flock of unusual dark grey cockatiels with red crests flitted about around us, some of them perching on a fence, others on one of the horses water troughs which they refreshed themselves from. The sounds from the bird life here, especially after there has been rain and it has just stopped, just stops me in my tracks. When I drive to and from work, if the sun is coming up or going down, I am chaperoned by a mob of kangaroos up the long dirt driveway. I am so lucky to live in this magnificent place.

 

Anyway, my actual living room, is quite humble. It was originally built as a garage - which didn't eventuate, and for most of the time, has been "the party room." This week, I bought some lovely large Indian textile wall hangings which hang from the brick walls. I did a big clean up to make it more spacious and attractive, and I hammered more nails into the mortar and hung pictures I've had stored away you. It's now one of those rooms you walk into (at least I do), and think, "Yes, this feels good. There's good energy here."

 

Last night David rang me, quite distressed, mostly angry which is how he is when he is distressed. Somebody had tried to break into his home, wrenching a solid door open with a crowbar. He was partly relieved to find they hadn't taken anything, but is extremely worried that they will come back, now that they now what he has there (some valuable machinery and a vintage motorbike - currently in pieces). I was going to stay at his place tonight, but decided today that I simply didn't want to. I knew he would be angry and tired, and frankly, I'm tired today from working all weekend. I know that when he is angry like that, he would rather be on his own, and I don't enjoy being around him. I rang and told him I decided not to come. He sounded disappointed at first. He complained about people dropping in unannounced today when he was so busy, and that he couldn't get the things done he needed to. He told me he wouldn't be good company anyway on account of beingn angry. I told him I knew it's best to just leave him alone when for whatever reason he wants to be alone. He sounded a little surprised and then laughed,and said that he wouldn't mind ME being there, but only if I can put up with him when he's being a pain. I just said what I think is the truth, best thing is for both of us to get rest and sleep and we will catch up soon.

 

Then we talked about our horses. Each of us has one quite old horse which we are trying to put weight on and get in good and happy condition. We're both on the same page with horses, and he'd tried one of my suggestions which worked! Then he said he hoped that one day, my horses and his will join up and become one herd. I didn't say much. It's a nice thought. Just have to wait and see what happens.