Relationships With Severely Avoidant People

[trickykid]

Interesting thread! Its interesting because I seem to be caught up in a cycle like this. Im finding this is helping because Im trying not to focus in on my history and take an objective look at myself, like look at my own behaviours and not my past experiences. I know I act a certain way because of my past experiences but trying to do something about them and not base everything on the past, its my behaviours that give me most trouble. For example, everything has been great the last week, today Im trying to create chaos because she got too close, does that even make sense?

[Silverbirch]

It does to me Trickykid. Even though it is my partner who is, by his admission, severely avoidant and "commitmentphobic", I know in this relationship, I've had phases where things have felt SO good, that those times have then been followed by a type of panic and need to be on my own. I don't know if current man's avoidance has been anything to do with past history. He says, and I think he is telling the truth, that he has always had a strong need for his own company - so I think he gets it in double doses. ATM, he is feeling very cramped from his father and best friend who just turn up at his home. His father will stay the whole day and his best friend comes and stays hours, wanting to talk while partner is the sort of person who always feels the need to be "doing something" which is either something mechanical, or outdoors or involving his Noah's ark of animals.

 

I know that when I get the feeling of needing to get away, it's to do with self-preservation and protecting myself in case I get hurt. I think a certain amount of that is healthy. I think it is when a person ends up missing out on the things they want most because of that avoidance, then it is a problem.

[Silverbirch]

Well yesterday was the first day of "working alongside each other." I had gone to his place Saturday night. He had worked a very long day, part of it in rain and cold, and was tired. We watched telly, ate chocolate and went to bed. It was okay. I was a bit disappointed as he had sounded excited to be seeing me, and then, he tells me later, on account of being tired, just wanted to go to bed.

 

Usually we wake up together at 5am, joke around a bit, and have a nice start to the day. Well, we both woke at 5am, but he was grumpy, to me I was being demanding, and was being an old grouch. I told him so, and we had a bit of an argument. I got up for a while, and had a coffee and read the paper, and just let him sleep. After a while, he got up and made us both a hot breakfast which we had together.

 

Well, I thought I would get on with things. I spent a couple of hours exercising 2 of his sweet little ponies. It's the first time I have done much handling with them. During this time, D was trying to get some welding done which had to be done outdoors. It was frustrating for him as it was raining on and off so he had to keep stopping. He's trying to get a trailer finished that he is making for a hay baler which he wants finished asap - like everything else in his life.

 

I had taken over some vegetables I have grown in pots, just some winter lettuce - some of which I was able to pick leaves from and store in the fridge and also some broccoli which is still growing. I then started marking out the vegetable garden. The 3 dogs kept me company.

 

It was D who called for 2 coffee breaks and insisted on making the coffee. Finally, we went to lunch. We had a heart to heart in the car both on the way to town and back. We were just parking the car when who should be beside us, but his father who was on his way to visit D. There are problems with his father - complicated. We ended up joking about it and having a good laugh. His father joined us for lunch and shouted us pancakes. He was very happy and affectionate when we were in town and from that point onward. The conversation between us became quite emotional on both sides. He said he knows full well that he is a very difficult man and he won't blame me if I decide not to stay with him. He said that a lot of the things he says from time to time, whilst they make him sound cold, that all of that is actually him trying to "protect himself."

 

The rain didn't let up and I wanted to get home to get my own lot taken care of and not having to drive home in the dark. He called me in bed to say good-night and was very loving. These last couple of days, I have been struggling with some things. Not just to do with him - I had an accident at work and have been on workcover - I was electrocuted - just with 240 appliance, but it was clearly negilgence at the workplace - people knew the appliance was faulty but did not take the appropriate OHS practices and put it back in the store room. It was an unpleasant experience which has left me not "feeling myself" though I'm definitely improved a lot.

 

On Friday, I had thought I was going to spend a bit of time with him in the afternoon, and ended up spending 10 minutes with him due to his work. It's not just that I felt like he hadn't made any time for me, but that I was feeling stressed that I guess, the thought that it was looking like I value the relationship more than he does - that I love him more than he loves me.

 

He told me yesterday that those things aren't true.

 

I have been resistant to the idea of growing potatoes. I've been thinking that is too much work - all that digging. In hindsight, if we are still together by the time the potatoes are ready for digging up, it could be good therapy.

 

The day finished on a very good note.

[Silverbirch]

ps I forgot to add that after we had breakfast, we went back to bed for a while, and things definitely improved a lot more from that point onward.

[mhowe]

Relationships can often be about managing expectations. And occassionally, things just aren't going to go "as planned". It's life. It happens.

 

Try not to make it about "the relationship". Or who cares more/less than the other. Life, in an of itself, is not going to affect how you feel, truly feel about D. or how he feels about you. Every once in a while, someone is going to have a bad day.

 

This past weekend, I had massive migraine and had to cancel out on a planned date w/ bf. He told me this morning, "you sounded like death warmed over". He didn't take it personally ---- but I was very short w/ him on Sat. nite -- and didn't feel well enough to see him until today. He shrugged -- "whatever" -- -with a big smile. Because....it truly had nothing to do w/ him.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Mhowe. I hope you are feeling much better. You're right. I didn't realise I would miss him so much though - only ten minutes in one whole week was all I got to see of him because of both of our jobs. I was extra-sensitive myself, and he told me also that when he gets moody, "It's NEVER about you". My fears of loving him more are all about my insecurities - that another person has power over me and the ability to hurt me, the ability for me to miss them.

 

I have nice family and friends, interests which I really love, I'm nearly always busy, and yet I still miss him when I don't get to see him for a week or more. I try not to have unrealistic or demanding expectations, but I do really miss him.

 

He texted me today and rang me tonight. He said he made himself a sandwich with the lettuce I grew, and that he liked having my plants over at his place because it was like part of me was there.

[mhowe]

Due to family commitments (both of ours) -- and then bf out of town for weekend, we had gone 2 weeks w/out seeing each other. When we got together, I mentioned that, while I know I "shouldn't"...and by that, I mean -- come on, it's 2 weeks, not 2 months, that I missed him....and he said "I always miss you".

 

Which goes to show --- we (women) NEVER know what they are thinking!

 

And again, D sounds very authentic ---- and unless told specifically otherwise, I think it is safe to assume --- IT IS NEVER ABOUT YOU!

 

ps. THANKS --am feeling human again. They are rare -- but they are nasty!

[Silverbirch]

LOL Yes, it's sort of embarrassing in a way to miss someone. Makes me feel a bit like a teenager. Sometimes it is 10 days between seeing each other - always because of work. I was surprised in a very nice way at his comments.

 

I haven't had a migraine for a couple of years now, but at one time was given Pethidine for pain as well stemetil injections to stop vomiting from them. When I have had a genuine migraine, I can't bear anyone to touch me - it literally makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. Only thing to help is being in a dark room with a bucket, stemetil and pain relief. I hope you have things which can help you when they come.

[mhowe]

I have pain meds -- am "allowed" 8 in 24 hrs. I took 6 in 9 hrs. And sometimes, the migraines make me throw up as well -- this one only made me nauseous. But same -- need dark room and silence. I swear, I think I literally hung up on bf while he was still talking! Luckily, he wasn't upset. What I hate as well is what I refer to as the "drug hangover" the next day -- but I went for a brutal cardio workout and sweated it out.

 

YES --- I do feel like a teenager saying it. Still feel it -- just don't say it!!! We generally see each other weekly or more often -- but we live in resort area, his family down much of the summer, and my elderly mom here from May-Sept....so our together...alone...time is limited. Ahhh, mature love!

[Silverbirch]

That's a lot of medication! I'm thankful I only have gotten the headaches every couple of years. As I said, I get one dose of something VERY strong. Usually, eventually I pass out asleep - a long sleep - and then wake up feeling great.

 

LOL, yes, it's funny at our age that togetherness with BF's is interrupted by parents! D's father, who lives quite a distance away, shows up most Sundays unannounced and generally stays right into the mid evening.

 

D brings up the subject of living together more than what I do. He says, and I agree, that it is the only way we will ever get to see more of each other. Besides that, when we get to go to sleep together and wake up together, it's generally very nice. In the past, he always talked about how living on his own was the best thing, and how much he liked it. As well as missing each other, practical issues have arisen too. He is liking where he lives less and less for a couple of reasons. It has become over the years, gradually encroached upon by urban sprawl. Recently, his workshed was broken into and he had some equipment stolen. It's about a lot more than having something stolen. He sees it as somebody having violated his haven and privacy, and it's greatly lessened the sense of security he has had there. As well, the 8 year drought was broken last year, and the amount of water is causing problems with not only his horses, but livestock on the property. He knows he would be happier living somewhere much more like where I am which is hilly, drier, and much more bushland, fewer people and cars. He doesn't have a large enough workshed to be able to get his necessary engineering projects finished. It's possible that he will be bringing some of his animals to stay here with me in the spring -and of course, he hates the thought of being separated from them. I so hope that one day, we can find the right property for both of us.

 

I wouldn't want to live with someone for purely practical reasons though. That can be a real trap.

 

I suppose the big difference between being a teenager and being our age is the responsibilities and knowing (for most of us) that we need to be working as much as we can while we can. Both of us would like to phase out of our current employment into a type of semi-retirement at least, and be able to earn money from home or at least much closer to it. I'm still getting my head around how I can achieve this.

 

Oh well, got to go do so many things before I'm off to work again. Have a good one.

[Silverbirch]

Something weird and out of the blue happened. It was so fast and unexpected for me that it threw me and I felt upset afterwards.

 

We were sitting watching television, and some advertisement came up for a soapie and big wedding,describing it as the wedding of the year. We were both laughing, and he was making wisecracks about marriage. I was still laughing and told him I found it so hard to believe that he ever had a church wedding or even was married at all. He gave me this strange look and I said: "Did you have a church wedding." He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me. He said that I knew he had, that he had already told me that. Then he said: "You are not listening to me. I don't ever want to get married." I got really fired up myself very quickly and it was honestly like the words just came out. I said to him - I think I even sounded sort of calm, "Well, you don't know that. One day, you might meet The One. You were married a long time ago to a person who wasn't right for you." Then he said: "I've already met The One - I just don't want to get married. What would be the point in getting married. What would marriage have to offer me." My mouth and brain were still not working together, and I said: "Well, maybe one day you will meet a rich woman who can give you everything." I can't even describe the expression on his face - sort of firm and solemn, and he shook his head and said: "No".

 

I had already travelled to stay at his place for the night and it was too late to go home. I wasn't sulking but finding it difficult to talk to him after that - and I just didn't want to. It was late and we were tired so we went to bed. The next morning, he got up and brought me a tea in bed and made me a hot breakfast. He was very loving. He looked after my dog for the day, and whenn I finished work and got back, his best friend was there. I was clearly exhausted from work (and also even though I didn't say, I didn't sleep well that night). He told me in front of his friend that I needn't make the long trip home, that I was welcome to stay the night again. He made me something to eat and I fell asleep not long after. The next day, I went to work and left my dog with him while I went to work. By the time I got to his place that evening, the weather had turned very bad with gale force winds. I asked if it would be okay if I stayed again due to the weather. I was very embarrassed to ask that. He said of course it would be. I told him I knew how important his personal space was to him, and I felt bad for encroaching. He's not the sort of person who copes all that well being around anyone for stays lasting any length of time. He was very loving saying that space was no issue for him with me staying. His father came to visit and mentioned he had been kept awake late by his neighbours wedding anniversary party. D looked at me, and seemed to have this sort of twinkle in his eye and said: "Oh yuk, . . . marriage." He was laughing and I'm not sure why he was looking at me. I looked back and said: "Too bad you weren't there (at his fathers house). You could have gone and vomited on their front door step." He was laughing and I could tell he was trying not to laugh harder.

 

Same happened the next day. He made me breakfast, but I didn't have to work that day. Anyway, I got myself off quite early, especially as I knew he had a lot of things to do.

 

I got all the way home and realised I had left my mobile phone at his house. I felt upset with myself about this. I sent him an email telling him and asked if he wouldn't mind leaving it out on his porch and I would get it. I expected him to be out, but he was inside and invited me in for lunch. He got very affectionate and very sexual with me, - more so than usual.

 

Those few days were the longest I have ever stayed with him. I have lots to do here. It's very loud and clear he doesn't want to get married. As far as I was concerned, I wasn't saying anything about wanting or expecting him to marry me. Oh yes, I was listening to him - He doesn't want to ever get married. Still, that whole conversation - more so how it came about - felt very unsettling for me.

[mhowe]

Admit it --- you were fishing for a response. The questioning of whether he was married in a church -- when you knew he was. Pushed more w/ "maybe you will change your mind if you meet the ONE." And he responds that he has already met her. Which you respond to that he might meet a "rich woman".

 

SB --- your insecurities were firing on all cylinders! He loves you, wants to be w/ you --- he just doesn't want to be married. Is that a deal breaker for you? What would marriage offer at this stage of your life? He is committed to you -- and I must say --- his subsequent actions over the days after the convo show how he feels. About you.

 

You are not the institution of marriage. You he loves. Marriage he doesn't.

 

Was your aim to marry him some day? Does this change how you feel about him.

[Silverbirch]

Mhowe,

That's not quite right. I wasn't fishing. I told him I couldn't imagine him being married in a church. I still can't. I can't even imagine him being married. Yes, I worry that some other woman will snap him. I've even met some of his clients. They are nearly all women, many of them exceedingly wealthy. Most of the ones he meets are "kept women" who play with their horses all day. At least one of them, who he told me is very attractive, poured out to him how unhappily married she is and asked him for his advice. He tells me that he finds it odd that quite a few of them come out to the paddock with lots of makeup on and all decked out in nice clothes. They make him lunch or offer quite a lot too. I was his client too at one time, but not things I would do and I suspect she was and others are interested in him. I didn't even offer him a cup of tea in the horse shelter. If I find him attractive and want to be with him, so will other women.

 

There are people on ENA who say that when a lot of men say they are commitmentphobe, they simply haven't met the one. It's not a big deal if he never marries me, but if he went and married someone else - that would destroy me. He's so unlike anyone I've known that I just don't know how to take a lot of things he says. A lot of the things he says I think are nice, but they are not the usual things a man says to a woman he loves.They are more like what you say to a person who is a good friend - probably things I'd say to my best girlfriend. He's told me he wants us to grow old together, and then recently that if it doesn't work out between us, that he hopes we will always remain friends. He got very emotional when he said that. He tells me often that he wants me in his life because I am "a good soul" and that we are "friends first". Usually he'll say "And your not bad-looking too, but that's not why I'm with you."

 

A big part of me knows that you are right Mhowe, but so often the insecure and frightened part of me takes over because I'm scared. Some of those things he says go over and over in my head, not really quite sure how he means what he says - always trying to prepare myself for the dumping - that some other woman has come along who has turned out to be Miss Perfect.

 

Thanks for your patience. I know so many people must be sick of me because of this. I don't think I've been quite like this with anyone before.

[mhowe]

You were looking for reassurance from him -- and that isn't him.

 

Telling him "are you sure you were married in a church" --- when you know he was -- isn't that calling him a liar? You KNOW he was married. At least he softened it by saying "you aren't listening to me".

 

SB - he doesn't want another woman. He wants you. Period.

 

He has been dealing w/ the rich horsey women his whole life --- and he chose you. He let you in. And he loves and trusts you.

 

This isn't about men/commitment -phobes. This is about your D, and you. He isn't going to marry ANYONE, you included. But he isn't leaving you for someone else. You take what he says -- for what it is. That he loves and cares about you, but not the institution of marriage. Who cares that what he says aren't the usual things----he treats you with love and respect.

 

Love/commitment are scary. Especially when we have been burned before. But you are dating an authentic man. Believe in him. He believes in you.

[Batya33]

I think he is doing you a big favor by telling you directly and concisely that he doesn't want marriage. The only issue is whether you can resolve within yourself whether you believe he just doesn't want marriage or he doesn't want to marry you. I think he says things to you that are ambivalent or evasive in part to keep you guessing -and that's just a guess on my part. He also wants to see how much of his "bad" behavior you can tolerate and still stand by him. I would avoid the topic of marriage unless you decide that it's a dealbreaker if he doesn't want to marry you. Don't bait him, is my humble opinion.

[mhowe]

I think he is doing you a big favor by telling you directly and concisely that he doesn't want marriage. The only issue is whether you can resolve within yourself whether you believe he just doesn't want marriage or he doesn't want to marry you. I think he says things to you that are ambivalent or evasive in part to keep you guessing -and that's just a guess on my part. He also wants to see how much of his "bad" behavior you can tolerate and still stand by him. I would avoid the topic of marriage unless you decide that it's a dealbreaker if he doesn't want to marry you. Don't bait him, is my humble opinion.

 

Batya -- I disagree on the "ambivalent or evasive" part. I think this guy says what he means, and means what he says. Whether it is what SB is looking for, or can accept and live with -- that is spot on.

[Batya33]

Batya -- I disagree on the "ambivalent or evasive" part. I think this guy says what he means, and means what he says. Whether it is what SB is looking for, or can accept and live with -- that is spot on.

 

Oh I meant the comments the OP posted that he had made that were indirect (maybe not evasive) and his ambivalence -his back and forth - about various situations that have come up. Maybe my words were too strong.

[Silverbirch]

Telling him "are you sure you were married in a church" --- when you know he was -- isn't that calling him a liar? You KNOW he was married. At least he softened it by saying "you aren't listening to me".

 

Mhowe, I can see why you might think that, but that isn't quite what was said. I had said to him after his ridiculing of the big church wedding on television that I found it hard to believe . . . as in imagining, visualising him as a groom in a church wedding. When he looked at me strangely, I thought I must have gotten something wrong, that's why I said something like "?you had a church wedding" I was married once and did NOT have a church wedding. D has told me several times how ridiculous he thought it when it was suggested to him when he made his will that he give some type of instruction for his funeral. He said he thinks funerals are a waste of money. As far as he is concerned, they can just throw in the ground and pour some lime over him . . . however, he has made financial provisions for all of his pets, and it bothers him that it is difficult to legally enforce that the money he provides for their care will be spent on them, and that they will be cared for adequately. That's one of the the sorts of thing I mean when I say he is very different to other people I have known.

 

He hasn't known a lot of wealthy women for years and years. It's only been in the last couple of years that he changed his type of employment and has generated income from working with horses. Prior to that, he mostly worked with men. Of the women he does know, just and handful from ten years and plus (other pilots), they are beautiful. I know they are friends only and don't worry about them.

 

You are very right though that I am struggling to reconcile things in my head with regard to trying to deal with my own demons of insecurity.

[Silverbirch]

I think he is doing you a big favor by telling you directly and concisely that he doesn't want marriage. The only issue is whether you can resolve within yourself whether you believe he just doesn't want marriage or he doesn't want to marry you. I think he says things to you that are ambivalent or evasive in part to keep you guessing -and that's just a guess on my part. He also wants to see how much of his "bad" behavior you can tolerate and still stand by him. I would avoid the topic of marriage unless you decide that it's a dealbreaker if he doesn't want to marry you. Don't bait him, is my humble opinion.

 

Thanks Bataya, I agree with all of the above, but do insist that I was not (at least knowingly) trying to bait him. There will never be marriage with him. A couple of weeks ago when we were chatting about things we each with regard to the horses and dogs, that he would so like us to all live together - that he has no doubt that we both love each other deeply, but he thinks we need to see if in a year's time whether I am still around - whether I will be able to cope with him and his moods and "how he is" - that no other woman has. He said he won't blame me if I'm not. I think he makes himself sound a lot worse than he is - and he says he has softened a lot since he has been with me. He has offered several times that a lot of things he says are "self-protective."

[mhowe]

You both seem to still have significant walls up --"let's wait a year and see if SB leaves" --- because of "how he is" and his moods.

 

They are part and parcel of him, and you seem to sense when he needs/wants you around and in a similar vein, when you need alone time.

 

I think that only continued time together will deepen this trust issue ----that the other one is not going to run away. We are self protective when we do not trust --- it is instinctual.

 

Start paying those bricklayers to take DOWN the walls, not fortify them!

[Silverbirch]

Hi and A Big Thank You again MHowe. I'm fighting off a flu atm and feeling a little flat due to this and just other every day things. I don't know if that has part to do with how I feel just now.

 

Right now, as the dust is settling, I feel disrespected at that outburst. I know in myself that I hadn't asked him to marry me or anything like that or that I had wanted reassurances. What seems obvious to me today is that what he said was all about him. He didn't just calmly speak with me, let alone ask me what I felt and wanted. He seems to have assumed that I am a woman desperate for marriage and that I have my sights set on "catching him". It's been a slap at my sense of dignity.

 

He knew before we got together that I had been in relationships where I came away hurt. Specifically, he knew/knows that I was in a relationship for 10 years, had a pseudo-engagement ring, even my wedding dress, and when I found out that man was cheating on me, the first thing I did was get my wedding dress out of my wardrobe, drive to the bay and throw that wedding dress in the ocean. When the tide kept bringing that wedding dress into the shore, I waded out into the water (it was night time), and I kept trying to push that dress out there. When I told him, I was laughing and said that probably the next day, somebody would be walking their dog on the beach and find a washed up beautiful wedding dress washed up by the tide and be wondering how it got there. Even though I was laughing, he responded very seriously saying that what I had done was obviously to him, something a very hurt person would do. He knew, at least when I first got together with him, that it did used to hurt me a lot that I have 3 sisters who are so happily married (2 on their second marriages - but both for quite a lot of years). Nevertheless, I thought it would be obvious to him, if not to the world, that I have no plans of just "settling" as far as marriage goes.

 

I could also have been a financially very well-off woman if I had stayed in an empty marriage with a husband who now lives semi-openly as a gay man.

 

I would rather stay alone until death - let alone marry - someone who didn't really want to be with me/marry me.

 

I'm missing my mother a lot right now. We are close and she lives interstate. I haven't seen her since last year though speak with her regularly on the phone. She's elderly, and I know what time I have with her is limited. I told D last night, as I have several times over the last few months, that one of my goals is to go visit her later in the year, and that I'm missing her. First thing he said was that he will take care of my ponies and my dog while I am away and added "and then it will be my turn to miss you."

 

Since his outburst, I've seen more of him than I ever have, and he is being really nice to me, but I know that if he is determined to keep pushing me away like this, then one day, he very well may likely push me away forever.

 

Next time he says something about marriage as he often does, I'll say something to him like: "Well luckily you're with me."

[Silverbirch]

Double Post

[mhowe]

I am sure you are going to disagree w/ me, and I wasn't there to witness the exchange, but here is my take:

 

He was not disrespecting you. He was stating his opinion. Your lense is faulty ---you are looking at this as though it was directed at you. It wasn't. And he doesn't think you are "looking to snag" him in marriage. And the comment about throwing your wedding dress in the ocean showing you were hurt -- obviously true.

 

Also, regarding you wanting to visit your mom, and he will watch your ponies --- and miss you.

 

SB --- he hasn't changed much since you started dating. He isn't baiting you or goading you. He isn't looking for anyone else, nor will he, in my opinion. He is who he is -- and part of that is being supportive of you without inhibiting you. He gets your insecurites, and again, in my opinion -- is doing NOTHING to ascerbate them. He acknowledges them, but refuses to play into them.

 

I do not see him pushing you away. What I see is your perception of a slight that may not have occurred, and you looking for an excuse to distance yourself in order that you cannot be hurt at some point in the future.

 

Again -- only my opinion. But I think if you center and focus --- you will see that nothing of consequence has passed between you. It is your fears and insecurites from past relationships that are trying to self sabatoge you.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you MHowe. I am listening to you. He rang tonight to say good-night. He is quite down atm too due to business not being good right now. I'm not honestly sure what to truly think, but I do acknowledge that my insecurities due to my previous experiences are a real problem for me. I am believing more and more though that it will take a strong and confident person who remains with him. We had decided between us to make contact today with a possible view of meeting up for coffee - but definitely nothing set. I texted him that following my morning appt, I would just head straight back home due to flu. When he spoke to me tonight, he said he didn't bother to reply because he was in a bad mood due to work and the weather keeping him from doing the things he wanted so he wouldn't answer anyone's calls or reply to texts. That's something he does quite often.

 

I'm feeling a bit better within myself though. I've had an ongoing issue with a telephone company - not a lot of money owing now, but it has gone to debt collection. I will have to pay, but found out tonight incidentally that there is currently a group let by a politician to bring legal class action against that phone company for the same issues I have had against them. At his advice, I will go back to the phone company tomorrow one more time and tell them that if they don't recompense me for the money I paid that I will apply to join the class action group and seek compensation also for lost of earnings, and that I will canvas my local community to make others aware of the class action group.

 

At the present time, there are 2 investigations going on where I work - one involving police, and I have been interviewed by police in relations to that case. The police contacted me today saying that they are preparing a statement from the taped interview and I will likely be required to give evidence in court - a worker has been charged with sexually abusing intellectually disabled clients. I have been told on the quiet that I have been named as having experienced harassment and bullying in the workplace last year while I was in the team leader position. I did not pursue that matter last year as I had so many things happening - most notably the cancer. The person who was doing the bullying has had other bullying complaints made against her and is currently on suspension. David discouraged me from becoming involved in either case - I have tried though to only tell him the minimal amount of information and not harp on about any of it. I want to do what I think is the right thing and I want to give evidence for my peace of mind and because there are principles involved. Of course there is satisfaction in the possibility that the workplace will become a safer and happier place to be. I also sent off my union membership forms today - he is quite strongly anti-unionist but I know that I must be in the union for protection. With the health issues I have had in this last year, I think it is unlikely that I would pass the required medical required to switch over to work in government so I'm going to likely have to make the most of the employment I am in. So much happening in my life and just feeling not 100% makes a big difference to my perceptions.

 

THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN MHOWE.

[mhowe]

It is good that you are doing what you feel is right in your own life. David is allowed to have opinions -- involved vs. not involved; pro union vs. anti union.

But in the end, your life --- your convictions.

 

There will be times when moods, health, etc. come "between" you -- and you want a bit more space.

 

And of course, a strong and confident person is the only kind to Be!!!!

 

And you are getting stronger, and more confident....so, all to the good. When the past insecurities rear their ugly little heads, play Whack-a-Mole and send them back, into the past, where they belong.