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Should I give up the love of my life for kids, wife and "doing the right thing"?

Ron1

By Ron1
in Divorce Advice

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Ron1 Newbie

Ron1

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Then, what often happens is that the same poster comes back several months later with a story of how it didn't go the way they planned.

 

I'm fully aware that the life with my wife would be much easier (financially and socially and these ARE very important) and that if I leave my life would would be quite harder and hence the statistics that you mentioned. But than again... is this a good enough reason to let the love of my life go? Because of financial difficulties ? (and I fully understand how they can ruin relationships)...

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RFB Newbie

RFB

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I wish I could do this... I've been thinking about consequences for many months already...

 

It's too far gone to save. People like you, when they get to this place, are already out the door. No matter how much you protest otherwise it's a done deal, you're going to leave. So take your shot and pick up the peices afterwards.

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Ron1 Newbie

Ron1

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Thousands of people are on ADs as I write with no side effects whatsoever. I've taken them twice, and the only side effect I had was a bit of extra yawning when I started my first round. Yes, you might get side effects, and then you can stop taking taking them - but it might also be that they will be very good for you.

Maybe I should ask for a less powerful AD...

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shadowplay Rookie

shadowplay

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I'm fully aware that the life with my wife would be much easier (financially and socially and these ARE very important) and that if I leave my life would would be quite harder and hence the statistics that you mentioned. But than again... is this a good enough reason to let the love of my life go? Because of financial difficulties ? (and I fully understand how they can ruin relationships)...

 

I wasn't really talking about finances specifically, more the relationship in general not working out.

 

But if you so firmly believe that this is the love of your life, I think you need to be really honest with your wife about that, because it basically means that you won't be working on the marriage, as I said up thread.

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Mercurial Girl Enthusiast

Mercurial Girl

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I'm fully aware that the life with my wife would be much easier (financially and socially and these ARE very important) and that if I leave my life would would be quite harder and hence the statistics that you mentioned. But than again... is this a good enough reason to let the love of my life go? Because of financial difficulties ? (and I fully understand how they can ruin relationships)...

 

She wasn't talking about financial difficulties. It's about the pretty, fun, exciting love bubble being burst once you realize the love of your life was moreso the love of your imagination.

 

Leave your wife then, you're doing her a great disservice. You have no interest in working on your marriage, that is very clear to everyone except for maybe yourself. I am sure she will recover better than you will. Come back in a year and let us know how it's going.

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Ron1 Newbie

Ron1

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She wasn't talking about financial difficulties. It's about the pretty, fun, exciting love bubble being burst once you realize the love of your life was moreso the love of your imagination.

We have already passed that.

 

You seem not to listen, but that's OK. I'm trying to understand what is the right thing to do in this situation. I hope that if I get to that point, I will have the strength to do this... you see, it is not going to be an easy exercise to work on my marriage while still being in love with another woman... I have to believe that this is the right thing to do.

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Ron1 Newbie

Ron1

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I wasn't really talking about finances specifically, more the relationship in general not working out.

 

How do you know what was the reason it did not work out? The relationships are so easy when there are no issues...

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shadowplay Rookie

shadowplay

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We have already passed that.

 

You seem not to listen, but that's OK. I'm trying to understand what is the right thing to do in this situation. I hope that if I get to that point, I will have the strength to do this... you see, it is not going to be an easy exercise to work on my marriage while still being in love with another woman... I have to believe that this is the right thing to do.

 

IMO, the right thing to do in this situation is to go to your wife and tell her what you have told us: That you have met the love of your life, and that therefore any attempt from your side to work on the marriage will not be genuine, but that you will just be pretending because you are worried about hurting her and the children.

 

Then you and your wife take it from there.

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shadowplay Rookie

shadowplay

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How do you know what was the reason it did not work out? The relationships are so easy when there are no issues...

 

I don't really understand your comment. I don't know all the individual reasons for why they didn't work out, and I never claimed that I did - I have just seen stats that second marriages that emerged out of affairs have a low rate of survival, even lower than regular ones. Some of the reasons I have seen suggested for this are

 

- it is difficult to establish trust in a relationship which has started with deceit, as the person who got involved with a married partner may think that 'if he did it to her, he can do it to me'

- the 'excitement' drops once you have to clean up each other's mess and not just deal with each other for 'fun pursuits'

- relating to kids that are not your own has been shown to be a significant strain on relationships, also those not emerging from affairs but as Victoria said above the affair context can aggravate that issue

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Ron1 Newbie

Ron1

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Right, add to this

- financial difficulties

- social difficulties (when you divorce your wife/husband, you usually divorce most of your friends as well)

 

On the other hand (and I do know some examples) people in second marriages which started that way do know one has to work on the relationships and not to take the other person for granted. They know what's at stake and are careful not to jeopardise that. And of course they are happily in love because they finally found each other...

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Seraphim Grand Master

Seraphim

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I agree. If you get in a relationship with someone who cheated on their partner with you you are constantly checking your back once the rose coloured goggles come off and they will.

It will no longer be "fun" when you live together every day and you have the SAME issues as in your other relationship

And what if she hates your kids and the kids hate her? What if she has no plans on getting along with your kids?? You can not guarantee she will want anything to do with them. What then?? I just think you have rose coloured glasses on but those will come off.

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Blue Spiral Collaborator

Blue Spiral

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Your kids are going to get hurt either way--either through divorce or through having parents that are forcing themselves to stay in a miserable relationship. I'm biased, as I come from a non-joyful relationship: I personally think your kids would be better off if you were happier and alone, as opposed to together and loveless.

 

I'd recommend not jumping into a marriage with the other woman, however. It may be that marriages disagrees with you.

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Ron1 Newbie

Ron1

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It will no longer be "fun" when you live together every day and you have the SAME issues as in your other relationship

 

I did write a few times already that I did not have any issues in my marriage...except for the fact that I felt that the person I live with is not the one for me. It may be hard to believe, but despite that fact we had a happy life. So using your logic I should have no issues in my second marriage

 

Trying to cheers myself up...

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shadowplay Rookie

shadowplay

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I did write a few times already that I did not have any issues in my marriage...except for the fact that I felt that the person I live with is not the one for me. It may be hard to believe, but despite that fact we had a happy life. So using your logic I should have no issues in my second marriage

 

Trying to cheers myself up...

 

I don't really think that people who don't have issues in their marriage end up in affairs wanting to divorce. I really think you should untangle some of these issues a bit further in IC and MC before making any life altering decisions.

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Ron1 Newbie

Ron1

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Ron, if you leave to be with this other woman, how do you know that you are not going to repeat the mistakes of your first marriage? What will you do differently this time?

 

Now I'm consciously choosing the woman I want to be with. This was not the case the first time...

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Seraphim Grand Master

Seraphim

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I did write a few times already that I did not have any issues in my marriage...except for the fact that I felt that the person I live with is not the one for me. It may be hard to believe, but despite that fact we had a happy life. So using your logic I should have no issues in my second marriage

 

Trying to cheers myself up...

 

But you DO have an issue, the ones that belong strictly to you. That is what you have to fix. I think it is more than just not being with the right woman.

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Ron1 Newbie

Ron1

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I don't really think that people who don't have issues in their marriage end up in affairs wanting to divorce. I really think you should untangle some of these issues a bit further in IC and MC before making any life altering decisions.

 

Well... life is more complex than you think...

 

IC ? MC ?

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RedDress Experienced

RedDress

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I went to see a psychiatrist but the side effects of what he prescribed really scared the * * * * out of me...

 

You mean possible erectile dysfunction?

 

I was trying very hard to remain neutral and talk about the decision making process, what to think about, etc... but I completely agree now that it's time to leave your wife.

 

There could be many reasons to stay that people have already mentionned:

- Affection (albeit boring affection) for your wife. But... I'm not feeling this from your posts. Instead, you are talking about how you never really loved her and how you'd have to force yourself to be with her

- A sense of commitment. But... I don't think this matters to you.

- A traditional sense of family for your kids. But... you feel your kids will be ok either way

- Fear. A pragmatic, grounded view that things may not work out. But... you seem pretty clear that you think it will.

 

So - why stay? I think it's just fear of change at this point. That's the only reason you are being wishy-washy.

 

Jump, dude. You've already hurt your wife by cheating on her and now you are drawing it out to prolong her pain... all because you are scared. Kinda selfish, no?

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Ron1 Newbie

Ron1

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- A traditional sense of family for your kids. But... you feel your kids will be ok either way

- Fear. A pragmatic, grounded view that things may not work out. But... you seem pretty clear that you think it will.

 

You read me wrong, these two I do think about a lot.

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