Should I give up the love of my life for kids, wife and "doing the right thing"?

[Moontiger]

If you love your kids more than anything in this world you will do what is the best for them in the long run: Try and work it out, being single if it doesn't, don't bring a new woman into their lives for a long, long, time, have 100% of your energy in making sure they are OK.

 

If you love your mistress more then your kids, go and be with her. But don't expect for your children to want a relationship with you. Even if the court orders them to have visitation with your they will resent you and your mistress for the rest of their lives.

 

These are your choices. Now, which will you pick? And, yes, life really is this simple. People like to think its complicated but its not.

[Moontiger]

I'm being torn apart between them and the love of my life for half a year... what do you think?

 

Wow. All I hear is "My mistress is more important than my kids." Just...wow. I need to leave now before I right you a very long post that will probably get me banned from ENA.

[Ron1]

You seem to think that the world is black and white. It is not.

[Seraphim]

That is not coming accross in your posts though. What is coming accross is "ooooo poor OW how she is suffering............my kids? well they will be fine." So whatever pity and love you have for them is not coming accross. No matter what anyone says you keep saying they will be ok.

[Ron1]

Wow. All I hear is "My mistress is more important than my kids." Just...wow. I need to leave now before I right you a very long post that will probably get me banned from ENA.

You hear what you want to hear.

[Ron1]

That is not coming accross in your posts though. What is coming accross is "ooooo poor OW how she is suffering............my kids? well they will be fine." So whatever pity and love you have for them is not coming accross. No matter what anyone says you keep saying they will be ok.

Maybe it is not coming accross in my posts, but it does in my actions (or actually lack of action). I would not be depressed for half a year trying to figure out what is best if I did not love my kids that much. I would have left half a year ago and lived happily with the woman I'm in love with.

 

Actually I'm starting to think that most people in this forum really answer to their own thoughts and fears rather than to the actual post, but that's OK - I did get some useful comments and I hope that the process of this discussion maybe beneficial to me regardless of the comments I receive.

[Seraphim]

People answer by experience, right? People are the sums of their experiences and that is the way almost 100% people relate. The thing is NO ONE can give you the easy way out. There is no easy way out.

[lostandhurt]

I hope your therapist has better luck getting through to you than any of us.

 

Your mistress is an adult and will survive without you as she has for all her life. Your children are just that, children, and you should be willing to die for them and put them above all else.

 

Selfishness strikes again!

 

I am out.

 

Lost

[shadowplay]

Actually I'm starting to think that most people in this forum really answer to their own thoughts and fears rather than to the actual post, but that's OK - I did get some useful comments and I hope that the process of this discussion maybe beneficial to me regardless of the comments I receive.

 

I actually think a lot of posts in your thread have been on topic, but you have consistently avoided some of the difficult questions that pertain not to whether you should stay or go, but to key aspects of how you are going to make a decision (e.g. in relation to your continuous deceit of both your wife and your OW). You can belittle it as much as you want, but the following script is EXTREMELY typical:

 

- Person A gets disillusioned with life/marriage after x years of marriage and children, doesn't feel a spark or purpose anymore

- rather than discussing it openly within the marriage and addressing those problems proactively, outlet is found through romance with someone else

- because this feeling of being in love makes one feel very re-energised and rejuvenated (hormones play up), this new love becomes conceptualised as a 'soul mate', 'love of one's life', 'the person I have always waited for', and so on, even though the two people have often been together for less than two years, and then often only in 'stolen moments', and hence actually don't know each other very well

- as part of this process, the marriage becomes re-written ('I was never really in love with my spouse, I have been unhappy for several years', and so on), without any real introspection as to why one has ended up in this situation in the first place

 

The prevalence of such stories is what causes a lot of the scepticism that you see here towards the way your tell your story. A lot of us have seen it all before, many times, and we have also seen pretty nasty outcomes. That may or may not apply to your specific case, but it's enough to make a lot of people want to warn you, because not doing so would actually not be very kind, even though you are experiencing it as people being 'against you' or your desire to be with the woman you love.

 

Personally, I don't think you should stay in your marriage, because neither your wife or your children deserve that kind of deception. Children are extremely quick at picking up on such things. But what I do think, is that you are not taking any responsibility for your actions, or treating the two women in your life as equal partners in a decision process that involves them as much as it involves you. I don't know why you have consistently overlooked those questions or comments in this thread, there have been quite a few of them. I think they are directly relevant to your original question, i.e. how to make a decision. Do you have anything to say to that?

[Moontiger]

You seem to think that the world is black and white. It is not.

 

In some cases yes it is. Either you can A) Do what is BEST for you kids and that give them the highest chance of being happy and well adjusted in the long run. Or you can B) Do what feels good to you in his moment, run off with your mistress, cause your children great emotional trauma, then introduce them to the woman who destroyed their family, and watch as they rebel and/or stop wanting a relationship with you.

 

Seems pretty black and white to me.

 

Either your kids or number one in your life, or you mistress is.

[Seraphim]

In some cases yes it is. Either you can A) Do what is BEST for you kids and that give them the highest chance of being happy and well adjusted in the long run. Or you can B) Do what feels good to you in his moment, run off with your mistress, cause your children great emotional trauma, then introduce them to the woman who destroyed their family, and watch as they rebel and/or stop wanting a relationship with you.

 

Seems pretty black and white to me.

 

Either your kids or number one in your life, or you mistress is.

 

That is pretty much what it comes down to. You do not have to stay in this marriage but you do not have to run into the arms of another woman right away either. Do the descent thing and finish with the relationship you have with your wife. That means getting divorced, making sure your children are ok and you have a strong relationship with them and THEN pursue another woman. The reason it is not black and white to you is because you are not thinking clearly.

[jordesse]

I was in the exact situation you are in. I chose to get out and it was the best thing I ever did for me, and my ex husband. Yes it was hard on him and the kids in the very beginning but fast forward to 7 years later, and my ex is happily married to another woman and having a child with her! I am also very happy with the love of my life. Our children are happy because they now have parents who are supremely happy with other partners. It took some time but my ex and I are on great terms now, we have both admitted that we married too young and didn't have enough experience with finding a partner that was compatible. It can work if you want it to. Your wife deserves someone who adores her and loves her for who she is. She doesn't deserve a husband who is only there to 'do the right thing'.

[Ron1]

treating the two women in your life as equal partners in a decision process that involves them as much as it involves you. I don't know why you have consistently overlooked those questions or comments in this thread, there have been quite a few of them. I think they are directly relevant to your original question, i.e. how to make a decision. Do you have anything to say to that?

 

I think I am. They know pretty much everything.

[The_Seeker]

So what made you ask her to be in a relationship with you in the first place?

 

This is what i fear in my life if the man I spent my life with ends up like this.

 

Hence why I decided I should mutli-date. But anyway off-topic.

 

Like what I was saying, what made you ask her to be in a relationship with you int he first place? Or did she ask you to be in a relationship with you first?

[Ron1]

Well... it was a long time ago (we are together since high school). I was a very different person than and did not know much... I did not date much than...

[Ron1]

Just realized that I did not really answer your question... I don't know... do you think that I actually thought of relationships and spending the whole life together in high school? To be honest... I never ever thought about relationship till recently... relationship just happened.

[The_Seeker]

Just realized that I did not really answer your question... I don't know... do you think that I actually thought of relationships and spending the whole life together in high school? To be honest... I never ever thought about relationship till recently... relationship just happened.

 

So basically you were curious about what a "relationship" is.

 

You feel like you "missed out."

 

You are having GIGs. But it's normal.

 

In other words, throughout the whole relationship you were playing a role.

 

If I were your wife, I would want to know the truth honestly.

 

So tell your wife. Let her decide if she wants to stay with you or leave you and take care of your children.

[Ron1]

I was not playing a role... I just lived and it turned out to be not a bad life at all, despite all the above.

[The_Seeker]

I was not playing a role... I just lived and it turned out to be not a bad life at all, despite all the above.

 

You are "playing a role."

 

I don't know how old you are unless you stated somewhere in the post and I'm too lazy to look it up.

 

If you weren't, you wouldn't have put this "..." between your sentence.

 

You wondered what a relationship is.

 

Bad life has some good parts in it too.

 

No one's life is going to be full of fairy tale and perfection. There will be some parts in it.

 

You didn't answer my question.

 

Who asked who to be in a relationship first? Since you stated you are rational man. Let's see how rational it is.

[Ron1]

Back than in high school? I did.

 

I'm almost 40 BTW.

[The_Seeker]

Back than in high school? I did.

 

I'm almost 40 BTW.

 

So when you hit around your 20's? You didn't think of this?

 

So again you continued your role.

 

In your 30's, you thought of this, but you continued to play the role without bringing up to your partner that something is missing in the situation, and what what you need and want. Maybe she could be open minded.

 

But now your 40, you decided you make your decision without letting your partner what you need and want from her. Who knows, she might be open-minded to playing activity. sometimes you have to drag her out of her comfort zone and show how amazing it is. Maybe she will change her mind.

 

That's like feeding a kid with veggies who hates it, and ends up eating like crazy when they are teenager and adult when they know the benefits and how it feels.

 

So if I were you, I tell her what you need and want. Instead of giving up with a white flag without her knowledge of what you need and want.

 

You have a wife who truly loves you I think. She hasn't cheated or lie or slept with othe rmen behind your back. You have children who loves you both.

 

What more do you want?

 

romance? Adventure?

 

THEN TELL HER.

 

I recommend watching "Fireproof" and read "5 languages of Love" or whatever. So you can figure out what you truly want and need in a relationship without feeling some empty all the time.

[Ron1]

The sad truth is that what I really want (and always wanted but never did anything with it until it is too late)... is to be with a different women. I'm not talking about how I feel about this right now, I'm recalling how I felt 10 years ago. And playing activity is only a small and insignificant part of it.

 

And yes, I know that she loves me... and this makes the whole situation even more painful.

[The_Seeker]

The sad truth is that what I really want (and always wanted but never did anything with it until it is too late)... is to be with a different women. I'm not talking about how I feel about this right now, I'm recalling how I felt 10 years ago. And playing activity is only a small and insignificant part of it.

 

And yes, I know that she loves me... and this makes the whole situation even more painful.

 

You can deny all about playing a role or how you feel past, present, or future.

 

What you need to focus on WHAT YOU WANT TO DO right now.

 

Do you want to fix it or do you want to quit it?

 

If you want to quit it, TELL YOUR WIFE now. You are wasting her time when she could be with a DIFFERENT MAN and you can be with a DIFFERENT WOMAN.

 

Making excuses because of your wife is not cool. You have a decision. No one is forcing you to do anything except yourself.

[Ron1]

What you said above makes perfect sense, this would be the way to try to recover our marriage... if I manage to give up on, you know... the love of my life (sounds stupid, I know)

[Ron1]

What you need to focus on WHAT YOU WANT TO DO right now.

 

That's the thing... I DON'T WANT ANYTHING out of the options that I have. So focusing on what I want does not help... I'm trying to focus on what is the right thing to do... what I would regret less in a few years... does not work so far though...