Should I give up the love of my life for kids, wife and "doing the right thing"?

[Ron1]

I think I wrote it in the beginning... some kind of direction on how to reach a decision which I would believe is right. I'm not really going to follow anybody's advice on what to do with my life even though this is mostly what people write me.

[Mercurial Girl]

You've received plenty of advice and possible outcomes of different decisions you may make.

 

What you're looking for is a guarantee. As you stated earlier, a graph or chart showing exactly what will happen. It doesn't exist.

 

You've gotten all of the advice that could be given, you need to make the decision yourself.

[Ron1]

I understand that I need to make that decision. Maybe I just wanted to talk this out...

 

I had a hope, though, that somebody would somehow help me think of this in a different way... because the way I used to think about this only got me depressed. This was probably a false hope...

[shadowplay]

I think I wrote it in the beginning... some kind of direction on how to reach a decision which I would believe is right. I'm not really going to follow anybody's advice on what to do with my life even though this is mostly what people write me.

 

The thing is, the two are closely connected here. Like MG said, there is no recipe (beyond honesty) which will just provide you with a ready solution. You've been given plenty of pros and cons that might follow different courses of actions, but there's no quick fix here. As many posters have also said, the option of staying isn't really an option if you're are not planning to genuinely work on your marriage, which is a factor that should point you towards leaving.

[lostandhurt]

Perhaps you could go for option 3

 

Leave your wife and children, end it with your mistress and spend some time alone learning how to be truly happy on your own. Then you can begin a new life from a good place. During this time you could learn to be the best single father you can be as well.

 

If after some time you decide your mistress is still the one start dating and try and have a real relationship with her.

 

This of course requires you to put everyone else's needs above yours.

 

Lost

[Ron1]

Perhaps you could go for option 3

 

Leave your wife and children, end it with your mistress and spend some time alone learning how to be truly happy on your own. Then you can begin a new life from a good place. During this time you could learn to be the best single father you can be as well.

 

If after some time you decide your mistress is still the one start dating and try and have a real relationship with her.

 

This of course requires you to put everyone else's needs above yours.

 

Lost

 

Tempting, but actually putting everyone else's needs above mine is what prevents me from this solution. In this case the needs of the woman I love - just to think of what she would go through while I'm trying to figure out what is best for me...

[crosbyfan]

I just logged in to say the same thing as lostandhurt.

 

You're trying to leave yourself with a win not matter what you do.

 

Option 1 - stay - keep your family intact, no financial loss and remain in close contact with your kids, though you have live in a loveless marriage.

 

Option 2 - go - follow your heart and fulfill yourself emtionally, hurt your wife and children, suffer financially

 

Optiona 3 - separate and be on your own, honestly on your own, without relying on external factors to make you happy. Let your children adjust to having a part time dad, settle finances, let your wife maintain her dignity as she is not left for another woman.

 

If in the end, after a year to let the dust settle, you find your way back to either your marriage or the other woman, than you know you bring a better person to the situation.

[crosbyfan]

Tempting, but actually putting everyone else's needs above mine is what prevents me from this solution. In this case the needs of the woman I love - just to think of what she would go through while I'm trying to figure out what is best for me...

 

But during that time away, there should be no promise to either woman - let them get on with their lives without trying to please you - the man who has disrupted both their lives. THere should be no promises to either woman during this time.

[shadowplay]

Tempting, but actually putting everyone else's needs above mine is what prevents me from this solution. In this case the needs of the woman I love - just to think of what she would go through while I'm trying to figure out what is best for me...

 

She will probably thank you in the long run. As a poster on an internet forum (emphasising that I don't know you in real life), you come accross as confused, depressed, conflicted, and lacking in a capacity to analyse your own situation, and you definitely do not sound like someone who is ready to engage constructively in a healthy relationship. I say this not to belittle you in any way, but it's my honest reading of your posts. I thought lostandhurt's post was very good, but I wondered if he got that last sentence wrong. I think that course of action would do everyone a favour, including your wife and your other woman.

[Ron1]

But during that time away, there should be no promise to either woman - let them get on with their lives without trying to please you - the man who has disrupted both their lives. THere should be no promises to either woman during this time.

 

Not a bad solution, but very selfish. The woman I love would go through hell during this time. She's been waiting for me (and going through hell in the process) for a long time already...

[crosbyfan]

Not a bad solution, but very selfish. The woman I love would go through hell during this time. She's been waiting for me (and going through hell in the process) for a long time already...

 

She may go through hell - but get your priorities straight - the most important people here are your wife and children, not the other woman. The other woman may go through hell, but that's a risk you take on when you get involved with a married man. Your wife and children did not sign on for any such risks, thus they deserve your respect.

[Ron1]

you come accross as confused, depressed, conflicted, and lacking in a capacity to analyse your own situation, and you definitely do not sound like someone who is ready to engage constructively in a healthy relationship.

 

This part is correct.

 

The problem is that what I wrote is correct as well... only a monster can put her through this hell of waiting for god knows what for such a long time... she suffered a lot already... you see, she also believe that she found the love of her life who is now leaving her...

 

P.S. I don't remember if I told this, but this is actually exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm living on my own, seeing a therapist and trying to be with the kids as much as I can. The problem is that I KNOW that the woman I love goes through hell while I'm trying to settle my new life...

[shadowplay]

This part is correct.

 

The problem is that what I wrote is correct as well... only a monster can put her through this hell of waiting for god knows what for such a long time... she suffered a lot already... you see, she also believe that she found the love of her life who is now leaving her...

 

P.S. I don't remember if I told this, but this is actually exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm leaving on my own, seeing a therapist and trying to be with the kids as much as I can. The problem is that I KNOW that the woman I love goes through hell while I'm trying to settle my new life...

 

If this really is the love of your lives and you're planning to spend the rest of your lives together, both of you can bear a six month wait to get the situation in shape. If you don't make it through those six months, it wasn't the love of your life anyway.

[Miss Firecracker]

I'm looking at this from your wife's end. If I were her, I'd want you out of the house pronto.

[Ron1]

If this really is the love of your lives and you're planning to spend the rest of your lives together, both of you can bear a six month wait to get the situation in shape. If you don't make it through those six months, it wasn't the love of your life anyway.

 

Waiting for 6 months to be with the person you love is one thing, going through hell while thinking for 6 months whether this man will be with you or not is a completely different thing.

[Mercurial Girl]

This part is correct.

 

The problem is that what I wrote is correct as well... only a monster can put her through this hell of waiting for god knows what for such a long time... she suffered a lot already... you see, she also believe that she found the love of her life who is now leaving her...

 

P.S. I don't remember if I told this, but this is actually exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm living on my own, seeing a therapist and trying to be with the kids as much as I can. The problem is that I KNOW that the woman I love goes through hell while I'm trying to settle my new life...

 

Yes, your mistress will be so torn up, the poor soul. Never mind your wife or your children who have now had the rug pulled out from under them.

 

She knew what she was in for. She signed up for this. But go ahead and protect her feelings and her interests above all else. Your children will not forgive you.

If you can live with that, have at er.

 

Sorry OP but I have little to no respect for men and women like you. I cannot engage in this thread anymore because I find this all pathetic, cowardly, and incredibly selfish.

[shadowplay]

Waiting for 6 months to be with the person you love is one thing, going through hell while thinking for 6 months whether this man will be with you or not is a completely different thing.

 

As someone else said, she has put herself in this situation. There is nothing she (or you) can really do now to change the basic facts that a) she is involved with a married man, and b) that married man is torn about what to do and is not currently in a state of mind where he can function constructively in a relationship. So, reducing that hell is actually outside of your control right now.

 

What about your wife? Are you going to be honest with her? As Firecracker alluded to, I think that will actually solve your problem for you.

[Seraphim]

I agree, the other woman set herself up for this pain. Your wife and kids did not. It is the difference between guilty and innocent.

[Ron1]

You might have noticed that I'm talking mostly about other people around me in this thread, so maybe after all I'm not as selfish as some of you think, but whatever - what you think about me does not really matter.

 

I'm not putting the OW above all, I'm just thinking about her as well as my kids and wife... sorry, guys, this is what it means to love somebody - to think about how she feels.

 

This might be the only viable option after all (to live some time by myself), but there is a price that people I care about will pay for this... which I cannot not to think about...

[Miss Firecracker]

You might have noticed that I'm talking mostly about other people around me in this thread, so maybe after all I'm not as selfish as some of you think, but whatever - what you think about me does not really matter.

 

I'm not putting the OW above all, I'm just thinking about her as well as my kids and wife... sorry, guys, this is what it means to love somebody - to think about how she feels.

 

This might be the only viable option after all (to live some time by myself), but there is a price that people I care about will pay for this... which I cannot not to think about...

 

I think all the other players in this game win when you leave them.

[Ron1]

I think all the other players in this game win when you leave them.

 

You probably think that this can never happen to you...

[shadowplay]

You might have noticed that I'm talking mostly about other people around me in this thread, so maybe after all I'm not as selfish as some of you think, but whatever - what you think about me does not really matter.

 

I'm not putting the OW above all, I'm just thinking about her as well as my kids and wife... sorry, guys, this is what it means to love somebody - to think about how she feels.

 

This might be the only viable option after all (to live some time by myself), but there is a price that people I care about will pay for this... which I cannot not to think about...

 

Yet, you are not being honest with either of them. If you really love the other woman, why are you not truthful to her and explain that you are not capable of moving straight into a relationship with her? And if you really care about hurting your wife's feelings, why are you even considering offering her a 'marriage' built on deception? You said yourself that you are a very rational man. Can't you see that lying to both of them, or pretending to commit to either if you are not actually comitting, is not going to solve any problems? Frankly, you sound extremely patronising, as if you on your own can decide the fate of these two women without engaging them as equal partners.

[shadowplay]

You probably think that this can never happen to you...

 

That's not the point. The point is that what you are offering both of them are deceit. But you have become so self centred (a typical symptom of depression btw) that you don't see that yourself and instead cast yourself as a victim of circumstance.

[Seraphim]

OP,many of us on this thread are married and have weathered a lot of storms FYI, you are not the only married person on this thread.

[OutdoorsyDi]

My parents stayed together in a miserable marriage. I remember my mom asking me at age 16 if she should leave my dad. I was petrified that she was asking my opinion on that. Conversely, having just been dumped for another woman I am emphatic that cheating is never acceptable, and if you're feeling strongly for another woman (not you're wife), you're cheating. Be honest with the monther of your children and get out of the relationship. One of the most hurtful parts of my BU was that my man was not honest with me and I was completely blindsided. Give your wife the respect she deserves and allow her to express her feelings towards you after you tell her. Of course, my recent experience has contributed to my bitterness (I usually don't tell people what I think they shouyld do). I do wish you the best.