Why is it so difficult to find a sexual partner?

[mines]

First, anyone who reads this, thank you. I am very shy about starting new threads. I have been looking but haven't found a thread that fits perfectly to my situation. So here goes.

 

I'm single, I've been married, have 2 beautiful daughters, am friends with my ex (their dad) we are a good family unit, still. I have a full life, kids, working 2 jobs, I'm a distance runner and that takes up a huge amount of time, it's my passion. All that to say, I'm not looking for a man to 'complete' me. I'm already complete. What is missing? A sex life

 

I've been involved with a couple of FWB situations, over the past couple of years. Both with 'unavailable' men, both bad decisions. Finally, I had the courage to try going off the grid, with a new guy, a real 'date'. . . . . and for once, local, no more long distance

 

There was definitely chemistry, we're in the same age group, both of us previously married and neither of us want to marry again. I'm done having children and he doesn't want children. Sounds perfect. He's told me several times how attractive I am, and the chemistry is unmistakable. Neither of us want any drama and we don't play games. Again, sounds perfect. I'm independent, have a lot going on, he is super busy w/his career, has several irons in the fire, in that respect, and we talked frankly so he knows I don't want a title, a commitment, nothing like that. I would like to have a sex life, we talked frankly about that as well.

 

So.....here I am, we saw each other twice, had some communication in between, instigated by him, and I responded (because I was/am interested) and the 2nd time we saw each other, again, I could tell he is attracted to me, again he told me how attractive I am. He is not my usual type, but I am super attracted to him, he's very intelligent, articulate, funny, and I think he's a nice guy. Nothing wrong with this picture, can't figure it out. We saw each other last Saturday, haven't heard from him since. (of course)

 

We are on Twitter and Facebook, something he posted Thursday night was funny/relevant and I commented, just casually, he responded. And I only tweeted towards him once, today actually, it was a fun tweet-reply and he tweeted back, but that's it. Obviously he has my phone number and hasn't called or texted.

 

I think I know that answer, he's just not into me. It would be the perfect situation, we could have great sex/friendship, no strings, no drama....but if he was really feeling me he'd contact me. *sigh*

 

Why is it so hard (finally the subject, haha) to find someone that fits these guidelines? Doesn't want a serious long term relationship, or marriage, but is willing to explore the chemistry and to be with one person (sleeping around is dangerous and scary) but open ended aka if he finds someone he is ''free'' to leave. To me this sounds like the perfect set up, especially with a man who does not want marriage or children. Really. How can I not find a man who wants great sex and no drama? I'm fit, men 20 years younger with me have expressed interest, I'm attractive, I am warm, and have a good sense of humor, and am very laid back, and intelligent. Really, what gives?

[Ms Darcy]

I know a lot of men get a bad rap for only wanting sex, but when it's offered up some don't take it. There are guys who actually want a long-term relationship and if he actually wants something meaningful then it makes sense that the guy would steer clear of what you are offereing.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Ms Darcy. He may not be looking for marriage but he could be looking for a meaningful committed relationship, not just no strings attached fun. So he may indeed be attracted to you but the two of you may not be on the same page as far as expectations.

[mines]

Thanks for your insights. You're right. I still don't think he wants anything long lasting.......but you're right, we may not be on the same page. Confusing, honestly I don't know what to do, re meeting someone who IS on the same page. Again I'm not against something permanent, but I'm organic, in that I just am a woman who wants things to unfold/happen as they will. *sigh*

[scklbad]

you're a woman i guarantee if you go out and find 100 guys you find attractive(single guys) an tell them you want a sex partner you will get 80 positive responses

for men they would probably get 5

for me since im a beta male 0 and cold water in my face

[Double J]

When I first happened upon your thread, I never would have imagined it being written by a woman. In general, men report the most difficulty finding partners who would consent to no-strings-attached sex. Whereas they rely more on visual stimuli to become aroused, the process for women is far more complex (e.g. they need to be in the right mood, and there has to be a gradual build-up to the sex that may include cuddling and foreplay).

 

Like someone else said, not all men only want sex. Many believe sex is the ultimate expression of love and belongs only in serious relationships. Assuming this guy falls in that camp, it's possible he realized that you wanted to get it on even before the two of you had entered a committed relationship and he may have simply lost interest.

 

Don't despair. I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for as long as you keep your options open. Plenty of fish in the sea!

[lost girl]

I'm 20, looked for the same thing due to a series of events and not to mention sexual frustration (abstinence proved too much after 3-4 months), and even I, a young person who is surrounded by a bunch of sexual, young, horn dogs, have been unable to find my sex partner with no strings attached

 

Unlike you I'm not interested in a friendship though (like on fb or hang out after & I wouldn't want them near my circle of friends. Such things need to be private). Just get it, got it, go. You'd be surprised how willing guys are to have sex when the girl is interested in a relationship, and UNWILLING they are when she isn't. They get turned off, it's like they feel "used." Oh please, get over it. lol

[90_hour_sleep]

^^ maybe you're sending out conflicting vibes. it's fine to say you want no strings attached...but maybe that's not the vibe you give off...and as a result you're naturally attracting men who want more. you have to embody that which you wish to attract. and that's not always an easy thing to do. integrity can be a nuisance sometimes.

[YakasJourney]

Perhaps this guy is looking for something more real than what you are willing to bring.

[jaysmaury]

I noticed that you mentioned guys 20 years younger have expressed interest. Have you considered going that route? Perhaps they come equipped with less baggage and a greater willingness to keep things strictly sexual. Probably means you'll have less in common with each other too which might create just enough of a disconnect to keep things from progressing further. Because, let's face it, when we have great sex with someone whose company we enjoy and also have lots in common with we naturally become closer and more attached. That's just human nature. Maybe the "cougar" route is something to explore.

[Needy904]

I found luck on a dating site. I set my interest as "intimate encounters" and wrote a very detailed description of what I wanted and didn't want. I didn't post a picture of myself, but sent a picture once I struck potential matches. I seriously entertained 3 guys before hitting jackpot on the 4th. The first guy gave me the run around about showing a clean bill of health (the #1 thing on my wants list). The second guy and I didn't mesh on bedroom preferences. The third guy wanted more DESPITE my specifications. The fourth guy was the charm. Landed him after 2 weeks of search. So far so good!

[lalalollipops]

It's easy to find sb to eff.

It's hard to find an honest, moralistic guy who has things going for him.

[EQIQ]

Why don't you call him instead? Simple answer imo...

 

Wow.. my 1000th post is so meaningless LOL

[scklbad]

only easy if you have a vag

It's easy to find sb to eff.

It's hard to find an honest, moralistic guy who has things going for him.

[lalalollipops]

^ You're quite the misogynist aren't you?

 

Personally it's easier for guys to get girls. That's why it's expected that more guys on average have more sexual partners, and it seems more guys on average are popular socially.

[scklbad]

not misogynistic it's the truth

^ You're quite the misogynist aren't you?

 

Personally it's easier for guys to get girls. That's why it's expected that more guys on average have more sexual partners, and it seems more guys on average are popular socially.

[lalalollipops]

^ that is just your opinion and your perspective on life. It ain't the truth.

[mines]

Thanks for all your opinions/insights. I really appreciate it, so much.

 

As to some of the most recent posts, I would like to weigh in. Just talked to my most recent lust interest, this evening. As a female, he's sure that I have it way easier, if I want to 'get laid'. I would agree. Just maybe not 'who' I want. His male take? He 'can't' get it. (note, he got it, with me, because I 'picked' him) To me, it just means he showed interest and I was interested. I'm not sure why more women aren't interested in him.....

 

I do have to agree, the power seems to lie with women. (sorry, and I don't mean 'me'. . . ) I just think that in general in society, women tend to have the pick of whom they want. Note, this thread is about sex. . . . NOT commitment, marriage, relationships, etc.

 

Ok, if anyone is interested, he did call back. A couple of times

 

I really appreciate enotalone, and all of you that read and/or commented. I love the grand diversity here, and I am always grateful for any input/insight. Thanks!

[Lonewing]

^ You're quite the misogynist aren't you?

 

Personally it's easier for guys to get girls. That's why it's expected that more guys on average have more sexual partners, and it seems more guys on average are popular socially.

 

He's quite correct...

 

If you control the Supply, you have control over the market. And right now, the supply is controlled by women. There is a much larger number of men who want to have sex then there are women...it's just a simple statement of numbers...

 

I do have to agree, the power seems to lie with women. (sorry, and I don't mean 'me'. . . ) I just think that in general in society, women tend to have the pick of whom they want. Note, this thread is about sex. . . . NOT commitment, marriage, relationships, etc.

 

And there you go, calling the shots...but sex is not just sex, it's a compound equation that includes relaitonships, commitments, and so forth and a lot of other junk. You just want sex, the guys you're looking at...well, guys are particular too...

[jeepman41]

The power does lie with women to control the parameters of the relationship. It is not always easier for guys to pick up girls nor enter into a sexual partnership strictly for sex. Some have trouble approaching women in general. If the OP is getting interest from guys 20 years younger perhaps that is the avenue to explore. You may find exactly what you are looking for, sex without the commitment.

[lalalollipops]

Well you guys must just be surrounded by a different group of people then. Cos from what I've always seen around me, there's a whole lot of very confident and popular guys and it seems guys have it easier on average and don't really need to try.

I even made the note that guys seemed more likely on average to be really popular and people (friends) agreed with me (when I made the passing comment) ages ago.

But hey, if you're surrounded by socially awkward guys, and more sociable girls then it'll be a different case for you?

[Lonewing]

You live in a really charmed universe...

What research there is, backs up women's present power position.

 

For instance, it is women who request most divorces, not men.

[Day_Walker]

If I had to make my guess, kids are the issue. The OP claimed that the guy does not have kids and doesnt want kids. So that gives me the indication that kids are the problem. Either way my advice is that for all intensive purposes this guy is not interested in having a FWB arrangement.

[lalalollipops]

You live in a really charmed universe...

What research there is, backs up women's present power position.

 

For instance, it is women who request most divorces, not men.

 

But men still hold more positions of power on average, so what's your point?

[Lonewing]

But men still hold more positions of power on average, so what's your point?

 

There's three and a half reasons for this.

 

1. Men are in power becasue they have inherited the means to staying in power - those in the upper positions are using old money. But this is changing.

 

2. It has only been about 40 or 50 years and social shifts take time to happen.

 

3. Women have to choose between Being Mommy and Being Boss. AKA, being in Hong Kong on Saturday for a business meeting, or being at home on Saturday morning baking cookies. This is socially taught to us from the time we are born, and many of our most cherished childhood moments at home are because mom was there to do things with us. Most women do not wish to give this up. Being mom is a full time job, and with only 120 hours in a 5 day work week, that means there's 40 hours for work, 40 hours for kids, and 40 hours for sleep. There is still some social adjustment that WOMEN must allow [aka, allowing men to be of a lower pay grade, domestic quality, and the flex parent who springs for the kids] before true equality will be gained in the work place.

 

3.5. My own presumption: Women are still learning how to wield their new freedom, and many are bombing out by partying instead of being responsible. The clubs, the bars, the music organizations, by and large are owned by men. The cheese is the music and the low lights; the poison is the alchohol. The purpose of these places is to inebriate women to the point where they will sleep with ANYTHING. Women, however, cling to the ideology that the club/bar/music scene is about dancing, living life and simply having a good time. Take note, most of these hookups are hookups that NEVER would have happened if these women were sober. Now as long as women go weak in the knees for these places of adolescence, women are putting their paychecks into this game instead of building their empires at home. They may not be buying the drinks, persay, but the nails, the hair, the skin, the makeup, the dresses, the shoes, the accessories - that's where the taxes fall heavy.

 

You are young. Be prepared to see great Change in the next decade of your life!