He can't choose between me and another girl

[PrettyGood]

I've been dating this man for 3 months. We have connected physically, mentally and have amazing chemistry. We hang out and have talking and hanging out on a regular basis since. We became FWB. Still he announced about dating me for his friends and family. They liked me so much. However, I didn't want to rush into relations while he was crazy about me, so I kept distance.

 

Not so long ago he disappeared from my radar. In that time I couldn't contact him and I got crazy. Suddenly I realized I got attached to him so much I didn't realize. Then he appeared again, telling me he had a lot of work and made me the most romantic evening ever. He missed me so much and we spent the night.

 

Unfortunately today he admitted that he had a secret from me and can't lie to me anymore. In time, he found another girl who was always next to him while I was keeping distance. She was so compassionate. So he started dating her for three weeks. No-one else knows about her, only about me. He said it's hard to choose because he had the best connection with me than her, and says how we have so much in common and he can be himself around me. And he feels her a big respect for her support when he needed. Also he said that he has not been sexually active with her, but kissed with her several times. I'm the only one who he has been sexually active with. It hurt me so much. I suggested him to choose between me and her and to become a couple without any games, because I missed him so much. He added he doesn't want me to think he chose her over me, but he asked me to give him a week to think things over. He said he developed deep feelings for me, which is why this is really hard for him to lose me. He begged me not to block him, not to delete him and keep contact with him no matter what he choose. He needs me at least as a friend.

 

I respect space and time, so I gave him this week he asked for. After this conversation he took me for dinner and told me that he has a birthday present for me which will be very soon. I had no mood to think about it more, so I had to go home. He embraced me so strongly and begged me one more time not to avoid him when he tries to contact me in a week. I don't know where to go from here. Waiting makes me very nervous. I'd really appreciate any input and feedback. My brain is completely exhausted from it.

[guynextdoor]

So you dated the dude for 3months then he went MIA and later shows up to tell you his little secret that he's seeing someone else too? And you believe every word he says? Truly I hope you are not that gullible.. I suggest you make the decision for him and move on to the next guy that could be upfront with you.

[ToF]

Please move on. Don't allow yourself to become someone's second choice. You know you are worth so much more than that.

[PrettyGood]

Should I let him that I'm not gonna agree with his condition to wait for a week and I'm going away or should I just disappear without any notice after such a long conversation by knowing the final?

[annie24]

I would just move on. You deserve better.

[LDRohnos]

Well, I think if anything what you need to take away from this is that FWB situations do not work for you. They don't work for most people. Feelings emerge from them inevitably. I don't see any mention where this relationship went from FWB to a "relationship" beyond these feelings naturally manifesting themselves. There's a large difference between dating someone then having it naturally evolve into a relationship and starting as sex partners.

 

While you were keeping your distance, he went out and found someone who met his needs. He did nothing wrong here, you were not a "couple". It was an open relationship.

 

I would take ToF's advice and end the relationship, not just by disappearing but by literally ending it, in person. In the future I would avoid FWB situations. If you aren't ready for a relationship and need to keep distance from someone then don't engage in ANY relationships romantically until you feel as if you can open yourself up fully and pursue a healthy relationship with them.

[ToF]

I think you should disappear and never look back. Why waste a single second more of your time on this person?

 

If you must tell him something, just send a short message: "I've decided not to see you anymore. Please do not contact me, as I will not respond." And leave it at that. Delete all of his information after you send it.

 

Talking to him in person, or engaging in conversation at all, leaves you vulnerable to further manipulation. Do not make this mistake.

[pinkelephant]

I don't understand why you became fwb? if you both liked each other, why not be in a relationship?

[PrettyGood]

I don't understand why you became fwb? if you both liked each other, why not be in a relationship?

 

My bad. I just didn't want to rush, cause couldn't believe that he will not hurt me as everyone else who falls for me 'quickly'. Of course, the definition 'falls' doesn't describe 'love' word, just very strong emotional attachment and wish to be together. He asked me about three times if I would be with him or not. I couldn't answer anything, cause I felt some inner insecurities and fear to be betrayed like in most of my previous relations.

[lavenderdove]

>>He needs me at least as a friend.

 

Um, no, you need to be your own friend and you don't have to be his friend if he disappeared on you to chase another woman!

 

If you had made no commitments to him or he to you, then technically he didn't do anything wrong, BUT if he can't even wait a little before sneaking off with another woman, then that might be a problem... you don't know whether he thought you were rejecting him and hence he went looking elsewhere, or whether he's just a cheat and likes to have multiple women at the same time.

 

If he does say he wants you after a week, it needs to be clearly understood that (a) you are dating and not FWB and (b) that he is not allowed to talk to, chat up, or see other women while he is with you, and if he even gives on hint he's doing that, you move on.

 

It is also disturbing that he didn't tell you what he was doing before he snuck off, he just disappeared! How long was he gone for? A few days, fine, but if he was gone a couple weeks or more without a word, then i'm not sure you can trust him.

[ToF]

OP, it sounds like you're probably going to stick around to see what this guy decides to do. Correct?

 

I just wonder how you could ever trust someone who's done this.

[PrettyGood]

If you had made no commitments to him or he to you, then technically he didn't do anything wrong ... (b) that he is not allowed to talk to, chat up, or see other women while he is with you, and if he even gives on hint he's doing that, you move on. How long was he gone for?

 

He understood that we were FWB. We were calling each other friends, but he always reminded me "You are aware, that friends don't kiss, don't hold each other hands, don't cuddle and don't have sex, right? And FWB don't write each other I miss you, I need you in my life or I need to hear your voice in the middle of the night. It's more than friends."

 

I always agreed, and he asked 3 times if I want to be more than friends, but I always explained that I feel insecure to be betrayed. Once I answered 'Yes', another time I told 'I don't know'. I was so doubting if he can be loyal. So technically, I would say he was free to do whatever he wants, but I never thought it will hurt so much. I just feel betrayed, cause I didn't hope that he will date someone else while sleep with me and wait for my response. He was gone for about a week or less. Total NC from his part.

 

Another thing is that this woman is his colleague in work. Boss or no-one else know about them. He told me he isn't sure about his 'feelings' to her, but what he feels is 'respect' for being there for him when I was doubting. So now she calls him several times a day to ask how is he. I told him that if he strictly put her back to 'colleague' or 'just a friend' position then there would be no problem, but he told me that if she finds about me, then she would like me to disappear out of his life too, so here he is struggling what to do.

 

OP, it sounds like you're probably going to stick around to see what this guy decides to do. Correct?

 

Yes and No. First, I am so hurt that I really want to go NC and not react to any of his messages or calls even if he goes totally crazy and comes up to my home door. Second, I promised him to wait for a week. I want to hear his decision, but if he decides that it's better to remain friends - I can't deal being just a friend. I just can't and I will do the first thing then.

[ToF]

If he decides to be more than friends, you realize that he'd have taken a week to decide that (which is bad enough in itself), AFTER he debated between you and another woman. Do you feel like that's how you deserve to be treated?

[PrettyGood]

If he decides to be more than friends, you realize that he'd have taken a week to decide that (which is bad enough in itself), AFTER he debated between you and another woman. Do you feel like that's how you deserve to be treated?

 

 

Of course I don't want to be treated like that. That's why I'm not writing him anything. It's painful and I don't have much to say. I try to imagine any situation when he contacts me and suggest different things and I don't know how to get back my inner trust once he broke it. We haven't even been a couple, and like one member said - even while I was in doubts, he waited only for several weeks to start dating anyone else. Who does that? I don't know what to think anymore. Sometimes I am happy that he doesn't write anything and that he needs a week. I need that time too cause I don't know if I not overreact once he says ANYTHING.

[abitbroken]

You say he can't choose? He just doesn't WANT and you are making it very easy for him. You are showing him you will stick around whether he chooses you, or actually chooses her but throws you breadcrumbs. Personally, I would walk. You should never be second best

[LDRohnos]

Of course I don't want to be treated like that. That's why I'm not writing him anything. It's painful and I don't have much to say. I try to imagine any situation when he contacts me and suggest different things and I don't know how to get back my inner trust once he broke it. We haven't even been a couple, and like one member said - even while I was in doubts, he waited only for several weeks to start dating anyone else. Who does that? I don't know what to think anymore. Sometimes I am happy that he doesn't write anything and that he needs a week. I need that time too cause I don't know if I not overreact once he says ANYTHING.

 

Well here's the thing. I was with a girl who was "in doubts" for a year, I gave her time and plenty of patience. Too much of it and in hindsight I should have cut ties with her after a month when she said she "wasn't sure" because it never changed. A year later she was still on the fence and afraid of our relationship. I went through a minor hell as a result.

 

So, no I don't blame this guy for moving on while you figured out what you wanted. Again, you weren't in a relationship with him, just a sexual one. He gave you some time, then he moved on because he had to. Now, he could have told you this beforehand but again...you weren't really in a relationship. He had no responsibility to do so.

 

He's treating you the way you've asked to be treated, you engaged in a relationship while you were not ready to be in one and took it way too far, way too soon. You guys agreed to an open ended relationship because you weren't ready to be in a committed one and now he's moved on to someone else because you weren't giving him what he needed. There's no blame here...you reap what you sew though.

 

Nobody deserves to be treated as an option, so stop allowing yourself to be one. Stay away from FWB and cut contact with him. Explain to him if he asks whats up that it's either you or nothing. If you cannot say that and mean it because of fears of opening up or vulnerability then don't say it and just move on!

[HeartGoesOn]

Second, I promised him to wait for a week. I want to hear his decision, but if he decides that it's better to remain friends - I can't deal being just a friend. I just can't and I will do the first thing then.

 

But if you "can't deal with being just a friend," how are you planning to deal with him choosing between the two of you? If his intentions were sincere, he would have no reason to make a choice.

[Ms Darcy]

Honestly, I would not stick around while a guy was choosing between me and someone else. I should be a priority, not an option, and I only accept the best.

 

I suggest you start doing so too. Good luck.

[ToF]

Honestly, I would not stick around while a guy was choosing between me and someone else. I should be a priority, not an option, and I only accept the best.

 

I suggest you start doing so too. Good luck.

 

I second this, 100%.

[SarahRose]

I think you can allow him to make a decision but just tell him you are moving on and to call you when he has decided.

 

There really is no reason to wait around is there? He can make the decision without you being there with him.

[PrettyGood]

Nobody deserves to be treated as an option, so stop allowing yourself to be one. Stay away from FWB and cut contact with him. Explain to him if he asks whats up that it's either you or nothing. If you cannot say that and mean it because of fears of opening up or vulnerability then don't say it and just move on!

 

Actually this is very helpful advice. Well I already keep NC for a 2nd day without ANY wish to write him. All of your thoughts just opened my eyes more widely to see that if he really wanted to have me in his life, he wouldn't second doubt, but I'm an option here which I don't want to be. So I let him date whomever he wants. In this time I will really try to do my best to move on. As I see the situation now, there were a lot of minor red flags, but I just closed my eyes at that time. I don't have what to tell him more.

 

If his intentions were sincere, he would have no reason to make a choice.

 

This is a very intelligent idea, which I have never thought about. Thank you for it. I will not agree being friends no matter what.

 

Honestly, I would not stick around while a guy was choosing between me and someone else. I should be a priority, not an option, and I only accept the best.

 

You're right.

 

I think you can allow him to make a decision but just tell him you are moving on and to call you when he has decided. There really is no reason to wait around is there? He can make the decision without you being there with him.

 

There is no reason to tell him anything more. We sat there for 1-2 hours. I really tried to tell everything what's on my heart and what I hope from him or what he hopes from me. Everything is discussed already, so there's no point to contact cause I don't have what to tell him more. I'm keeping NC for a 2nd day hoping he will not contact me. I really don't know what could he tell me apart from choosing me what would make me happy or interested. And after all of you giving me such a good insight, now I'm also in doubt if I will be happy with such person at all. I will never be a second option.

[agent1607307371]

All of your thoughts just opened my eyes more widely to see that if he really wanted to have me in his life, he wouldn't second doubt

 

PrettyGood - this was probably his thought process as well. Don't get involved with people who want more than you can give them. It's no good feeling messed around.

[kiwijim]

Im a man and wouldnt even think of douing that to a girl I was dating. Bit cheeky I think:sneakiness:

[Unknown1607307972]

Honestly, I would not stick around while a guy was choosing between me and someone else. I should be a priority, not an option, and I only accept the best.

 

I suggest you start doing so too. Good luck.

 

This completely. I will not be an "option" for anybody and I don't think anyone else should either. If a guy wants to be with me then there shouldn't be any debate or any "competition". It's better to wait for someone who knows they want *you*.

[mhowe]

YOU make the choice ----leave.