4 months of NC and he's asked for another chance

[Belle]

I made a bet with a friend that he'd be back. I guess I won that bet. We dated for 2 months. I thought he was crazy about me. I started to trust a little and see a possibility of a future with him. Then over a stupid and mild misunderstanding, he disappears after a vague text with really bad timing. From all appearances, he really wanted to hurt me for disappointing him. And it worked.

 

I went NC, breaking it only once to write him a letter saying that he made the right decision and to please not contact me for a while. That I would contact him when I was ready. I never became ready. He went too far, and I started to realize the tiny red flags I had missed out on.

 

It hurt the first month or two. I settled back into life. I forced myself after a few weeks of hurt to get back to exercising. Take back my life. I took baby steps. Then I took monster strides. I no longer cared what he did. I had myself back and I stood up for myself and sent a strong signal that I will not be treated like crap and stick around for it. It helped that I had a lot of seriously hot guys chasing me too.

 

I give him credit for having the courage to reach out like he did. I give him credit for admitting to making a huge mistake. Unfortunately, I doubt those credits will ever add up to erasing the deficit he created when he treated our fragile and potentially great relationship like it was expendable.

 

I will probably hear him out, mostly out of curiosity. I'm definitely past the stage of caring what impression I make or screwing it up. It's his game to lose.

 

I am very proud of myself for maintaining my dignity and self respect during a difficult time. They were worth more than the hurt and selfishness he offered.

 

It'll be interesting to see how this unfolds.

[OracleofDoom]

I took baby steps. Then I took monster strides.

...awesome...breaking the inertia with baby steps is what works.

[raindropcity]

I read over your previous posts on this one and want to ask you if you really want to be involved with someone where you're constantly walking on eggshells all the time when you're around him or in contact with him in fear that you're going to blurt out something or do something that he may end up getting upset about. People who like to constantly control others are always like that and they even go out of their way to find things to get all bent out of shape about as a way to get you to do what they want you to do.

[Belle]

I read over your previous posts on this one and want to ask you if you really want to be involved with someone where you're constantly walking on eggshells all the time when you're around him or in contact with him in fear that you're going to blurt out something or do something that he may end up getting upset about. People who like to constantly control others are always like that and they even go out of their way to find things to get all bent out of shape about as a way to get you to do what they want you to do.

 

The answer would be no. I don't plan on walking on eggshells with him or anyone. I'm curious to hear him out to see if I was accurate. I am concerned that he could say the right things and not act controlling and I'd forget what you just highlighted. I am now confused about seeing him. I don't know if I'll get the truth. ANd thank you for being so thorough. I need some grounding.

[raindropcity]

Well, he obviously likes you or else would not be asking you out again. I don't see any harm in finding out what he has to say but only if think you can maintain some kind of emotional distance from him.

[Belle]

Well, he obviously likes you or else would not be asking you out again. I don't see any harm in finding out what he has to say but only if think you can maintain some kind of emotional distance from him.

 

Since we dated a short period and the time apart has been long, I know I can maintain distance. I will admit that after the excitement of the validition and being able to tell my friend "I told you so," now I'm very confused. I don't know if this will hurt and not be worth hearing him out. Maybe it won't. I just have no way of knowing.

[raindropcity]

I would go and hear him out. It sounds like your feelings about him now are very neutral.... that's good. I think you will do fine.

[Psych]

I wouldn't bother with him. I haven't read your other threads, but just going by this one it sounds like he did something selfish to deliberately hurt you. You now say that you got your life back together, which is great. You also say that you are confused and don't know whether or not it will hurt to see him. You also say that a lot of hot guys have been chasing you. Why don't you try your luck with one of them, instead of someone who you suspect might hurt you again? You also say that you don't even know if he will tell you the truth, so what does it matter what he has to say? There are a lot of cases where exes come back, but often it's not because they still want you. It can be because of jealousy that you have moved on so successfully, they want to stroke their egos by proving that they still have you on the hook, etc. I would consider myself lucky that I only spent 2 months with him and date one of the hotties of which you speak. Believe me, it's not worth it.

[confused1979]

Congratulations on being so strong to walk away and improve yourself I wish I had your strength. Go with your gut, if it wants to meet him then just do it, live in the moment and just do what feels right. All the best

[euphoria24]

I find it curious that you are giving him another chance.

[Belle]

I would go and hear him out. It sounds like your feelings about him now are very neutral.... that's good. I think you will do fine.

 

We'll see. If I believe I can remain neutral, I may go.

 

I wouldn't bother with him. I haven't read your other threads, but just going by this one it sounds like he did something selfish to deliberately hurt you. You now say that you got your life back together, which is great. You also say that you are confused and don't know whether or not it will hurt to see him. You also say that a lot of hot guys have been chasing you. Why don't you try your luck with one of them, instead of someone who you suspect might hurt you again? You also say that you don't even know if he will tell you the truth, so what does it matter what he has to say? There are a lot of cases where exes come back, but often it's not because they still want you. It can be because of jealousy that you have moved on so successfully, they want to stroke their egos by proving that they still have you on the hook, etc. I would consider myself lucky that I only spent 2 months with him and date one of the hotties of which you speak. Believe me, it's not worth it.

 

I hear you. He may be back for an ego stroke. He won't get that, I guarantee you.

 

Congratulations on being so strong to walk away and improve yourself I wish I had your strength. Go with your gut, if it wants to meet him then just do it, live in the moment and just do what feels right. All the best

 

Thanks. You do have strength. We all do. It's sometimes discipline and a longer term vision that we lack when we're weak.

 

I find it curious that you are giving him another chance.

 

I'm not sure that I am. Sometimes, you want to hear someone out to confirm what you thought you knew. Also, to gain closure on that information. The thing that concerns me, is if he's able to say the right things and not confirm my suspicions, I won't have the validation that I was looking for. In a way, I want to be able to tell him waht I never got to tell him, and possibly to hear the truth. I am no longer attached to the outcome, so the truth would be nice to hear now.

[italiannmf24]

I am very proud of myself for maintaining my dignity and self respect during a difficult time. They were worth more than the hurt and selfishness he offered.

 

Couldn't agree more.

[euphoria24]

what is the truth that you want to hear? just curious

[raindropcity]

Psych, I think your advice is definitely the better route to go on this one. But if she does decide to go, she definitely needs to maintain an emotional detachment from anything that he says or does.

[euphoria24]

yes! stay detached, I agree with raindropcity

[Belle]

Couldn't agree more.

 

I knew you would agree. Love yourself first, and f*** anyone who doesn't.

 

what is the truth that you want to hear? just curious

 

Why he decided to leave. There's another thing, but I'll wait to say if I decide to see him. It's a serious dealbreaker and I'm not 100% sure I know the truth. Based on that alone, I may change my mind.

 

Psych, I think your advice is definitely the better route to go on this one. But if she does decide to go, she definitely needs to maintain an emotional detachment from anything that he says or does.

 

I don't plan on going if I feel any attachment to the outcome. If I know I can weather potential douchebaggery and walk away unscathed, it might be worth it. I have to shake the magic 8 ball.

[Psych]

Psych, I think your advice is definitely the better route to go on this one. But if she does decide to go, she definitely needs to maintain an emotional detachment from anything that he says or does.

Thank you. We must remember tho, that emotional detachment is way easier said than done. If there is any doubt, I think it is healther to avoid the situation.

[dumPI]

To me the key for second chances (in the dumpee side) is to be healed (ie: not needing that particular person in your life anymore). You seemed healed to me. Come on, you've been broken longer than you were together. So I don't think you are exposing to a LOT of pain and hurt.

It's kind of a situation with someone new. Either he comes and tells straight up what you wanna hear or you "dump" him.

[Belle]

I agree dumpi. However, I don't know that there's anything he can really say or do to make up for it. I can't say that I'm really interested in a second chance so much as I'm curious to see what he has to say for himself. I don't need to talk to him for closure. I can continue living my life an d file it away under my assumptions as they stand.

 

My pride is what's kept me going for all of this time. I don't want any drama, or gamesmanship. I doubt he could get close enough to me to hurt me at this point. But it would hurt my pride that I opened Pandora's box and found teh same douchebag that left in the first place. As it stands, I moved on. He came back. If I keep moving on, I still have my dignity. If I even waver, he might smell blood. Not feeling especially thrilled about leaving myself vulnerable or open with this person who saw it as weakness to begin with.

 

In my experience, people do not change. If they behaved poorly before, they are likely to behave poorly again. I have rarely ever seen a departure from this norm. That's why I never advocate someone take back a begging ex. There's a lot of talk and wishful thinking, but things almost never really change.

[euphoria24]

 

 

In my experience, people do not change. If they behaved poorly before, they are likely to behave poorly again. I have rarely ever seen a departure from this norm. That's why I never advocate someone take back a begging ex. There's a lot of talk and wishful thinking, but things almost never really change.

 

I agree with you on the fact that exes never change.

[IAmPerfection]

I think you should give him a chance. At least hear him out. People make mistakes. His was large, selfish, and immature, but he's had 4 months to work on himself and I'm sure he's probably kicked himself in the ass everyday. A lot of people here are cynical because of failed relationships. Sometimes they're right and sometimes they're wrong. People can change. If you leave someone everytime they hurt you, you'll have a lot of regrets.

 

You've had time to heal, and even though I don't know you at all, I'm proud of you. I think if you keep your current mindset, talking to this guy and seeing if things can be fixed would be a good idea. If you like what you see, give him a shot. If you don't, then you were right to leave him in the first place and you're a stronger person for it.

 

My philosophy is that if you have someone that loves you or cares about you, and they're willing to work with you through anything with you as an equal partner, then they're worth holding on to. If they accept you for who you are, try their best to understand and work on your needs, and make you happy, you keep them.

[Belle]

Thanks for responding with a different opinion Iam. I hear where you're coming from. I really do. I have seen the anecdotal situation where the two worked out their differences after much time apart and made their way back together. But honestly, it usually took longer than 4 months. Plus, it's really very anecdotal. I've known at least a handful that did so and went onto get married. I know way more that tried and failed because one tried, the other didn't. It's a crap shoot. I don't mind taking risk, if the reward is high and the ratio of risk to reward is in my favor.

 

However, I do not know if he really gets what he did was a bad thing. I know he regrets it selfishly because he's probably lonely and online didn't pan out for him. I don't know if he knows how selfish he was and how he handled things was abominable. He hurt me, but is he really sorry about that? Granted, it's not as bad as many of the thigns I've read on here, but I wouldn't take any of those jerks back either.

 

I keep thinking I've done just fine without him, why on earth would I want to go back for more? There was more pain than there was ever good feelings.

 

Not everyone's situation ends up like thekid's. She went to therapy and really worked on herself. How many dumpers actually really do that? I think the only way he'd consider getting therapy (and he seriously needs it) is if he didn't get me back.

 

There are no shortcuts in love. You can't just leave the rose colored glasses on, cross your fingers and hope for the best. Sometimes you have to weigh both sides, risks, and use your intuition to see if seems a worthwhile pursuit. At the end of the day, if you want a long term healthy relationship, I think you have to make the tough choices that delay instant gratification but set you on the path to a rewarding long term satisfaction.

 

Just trying to keep my wits about me and remain logical. Following my heart has never, ever been a good idea.

[euphoria24]

There are no shortcuts in love. You can't just leave the rose colored glasses on, cross your fingers and hope for the best. Sometimes you have to weigh both sides, risks, and use your intuition to see if seems a worthwhile pursuit. At the end of the day, if you want a long term healthy relationship, I think you have to make the tough choices that delay instant gratification but set you on the path to a rewarding long term satisfaction.

 

 

This is a really great quote Belle!

[IAmPerfection]

You know the guy a lot better than I do. He could be a complete jerk. I don't know how happy he made you before he hurt you, but 4 months isn't nothing to sneeze at. I don't know if he actually knows how badly he hurt you, or if he is sorry that he hurt you or just sorry that he lost you. I tried to give the guy the credit that I would hope to get, but I don't know him. I know that when I hurt my ex and she left me, I was genuinely sorry for hurting her. I know that I must have hurt her pretty badly for her to not be able to handle it and I felt like a true ass. I figured out that I have paranoid personality disorder, got myself into therapy, and am trying to fix myself for hopefully another shot in the future.

[Belle]

This is a really great quote Belle!

 

Thanks. I had to learn this the very hard way. I no longer believe in magical Hollywood endings with insta problem resolution. I wish they'd stop teaching girls to believe in fairy tales