StarGazer68 Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Relationship = Responsibility and Accountability. There was no accident here, if he was responsible he wouldn't have had that many drinks. If this bothers you (why shouldn't it?) don't invalidate your own feelings and concerns to allow him to save face. It won't work out in the end because he's going to continue doing it thinking that all he needs to do is say, "Hey babe, you know me...drunk kissing guy!!!". He needs to take accountability for his own bad habits, if he puts you as a priority he will understand that is not appropriate behavior and try to behave accordingly. If that means he needs to cut out drinks so he doesn't run around kissing all the girls because, "that's the way he is".. Whelp...time to put down the bottle and take accountability. I would have made him apologize. You're right. He did apologize to me. Do you mean to make him apologize to her? She may think I'm nuts because she probably doesn't know it happened. Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 the t If you want to give him another chance I would talk to him. Say that what happened made you very uncomfortable and if it happens again you will not be able to continue dating him. But how do I do that now that it's been a few days since it happened and we talked about it and I've spoken to him and been sweet and nice. What do I say? Something like: I've been thinking about it more and am realizing that I made some mistakes when I was talking with you about that situation and I realize now that it does bother me what happened.... Link to comment
Moontiger Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Pretty much say just that. Tell him that you didn't realize at the time how much this bothered you and you want to be completely honest with him. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 You're right. He did apologize to me. Do you mean to make him apologize to her? She may think I'm nuts because she probably doesn't know it happened. No, it's not necessary for him to apologize to her, she was just an innocent bystander. I meant to accept his apology and for him to be fully aware that it hurt you and it's not O.K. to do again. Even if it's because, "That's how he is when he's drunk." Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 I also feel silly writing this, but a part of me isn't sure he did kiss her lips. He may have kissed her cheek....it's just that it happened so quick and it looked like his kissed her lips....but it's possible he kissed her cheek. If he had kissed her cheek, would everyone suddenly think differently of the situation? Or is it still bad behavior? Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Pretty much say just that. Tell him that you didn't realize at the time how much this bothered you and you want to be completely honest with him. Thank you that's a good idea to say I want to be totally honest with him. I did promise him that I would tell him when something is bothering me or about what I'm feeling and thinking more often since I am a bad communicator and I hold things in. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I also feel silly writing this, but a part of me isn't sure he did kiss her lips. He may have kissed her cheek....it's just that it happened so quick and it looked like his kissed her lips....but it's possible he kissed her cheek. If he had kissed her cheek, would everyone suddenly think differently of the situation? Or is it still bad behavior? Does it matter? You said he has the reputation/habit of being very touchy feely with people while drunk. Unless this has changed, that is the issue. If you're going to be hurt every time he goes out to drink, or not 100% able to trust him that is going to cause the serious long term damage. Not where he kissed this girl. Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 Does it matter? You said he has the reputation/habit of being very touchy feely with people while drunk. Unless this has changed, that is the issue. If you're going to be hurt every time he goes out to drink, or not 100% able to trust him that is going to cause the serious long term damage. Not where he kissed this girl. You're right. I just don't remember him getting touchy, feely that night. I did not see him touching anyone, but he was getting awful close to talk to my girlfriend's ear so she could hear him and then was pretty close to her face/chest when he was listening to her. I didn't see it as such a big deal cause he was leaning in and getting close to listen and so that she could hear him. It wasn't that loud in the bar though and it wasn't necessary to get so close though...He definitely wasn't being flirty when he was talking with her. I think I'm just blowing that out of proportion because I had already seen the kiss happen earlier and now was starting to think him getting close to a girl to speak and listen as being inappropriate because I was getting mistrustful of how he acts with females... Link to comment
Moontiger Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 Thank you that's a good idea to say I want to be totally honest with him. I did promise him that I would tell him when something is bothering me or about what I'm feeling and thinking more often since I am a bad communicator and I hold things in. The way I figure it, as long as your are being honest with your partner and communicating in a respectful way you have nothing to worry about. He may ask why you didn't say this before and just say that you honestly did realized it bothered you this much until you had thought about it for a few days. When my BF and I had been dating for about three months I had to tell him how much pot smoking bothers me (he has smoked about once a year since he was 24 and first tried it so it was from from an everyday thing but it still bothered me) he said he never realized it was such a problem for. I just told him I could see it being a major problem for me down the road and I wanted to talk to him about now if the relationship was going to continue. Link to comment
Fun Boater 1 Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 I think you are making way too big a deal about some trivial incident that happened when he was drunk. You were standing right next to the girl he kissed? Obviously he was sloppy drunk and maybe he did mean to kiss her on the cheek and missed, or maybe he thought she was you...it doesn't matter. What matter is that you are over-reacting. If you are going to be comfortable with him working as a bartender, he's going to be getting lots of female attention. You had better get your insecurities under control before this becomes a major problem between you. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 You have to decide whether you accept that he drinks on a regular basis, and potentially will get drunk. Since you also drink maybe it shouldn't really be a big deal. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Of every other place in that building to kiss the girl on the lips, he does it right in front of you. If I was high on PCP I would still notice my girlfriend standing right there. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 You're making way too many excuses for him. Like someone else said, next his di** will accidentally end up in a girl from the bar while they're drunk, so be prepared. You should be able to see this coming a mile away. Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 I think you are making way too big a deal about some trivial incident that happened when he was drunk. You were standing right next to the girl he kissed? Obviously he was sloppy drunk and maybe he did mean to kiss her on the cheek and missed, or maybe he thought she was you...it doesn't matter. What matter is that you are over-reacting. If you are going to be comfortable with him working as a bartender, he's going to be getting lots of female attention. You had better get your insecurities under control before this becomes a major problem between you. So I'm supposed to be ok with cheating behavior because he's a bartender? I didn't know that there was a bartender rule book that said bartenders can get sloppy drunk and accidentally or purposely kiss patrons....I dont know if you read what I wrote but I know he has to flirt to get tips as a bartender and I know girls will throw themselves at him, but in this situation, he lunged forward and did this himself. I have no problems with flirting to bartend, but not if he's getting touchy, kissy with them and initiating it. A guy can use his words to flirt...BUT I would like to say that there is no reason a bartender needs to flirt and it doesn't need to be a part of the job. There is no rule that a bartender must flirt. But anyway, this wasn't even a patron, this was a girl he bartends with and knows very well. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 If you consider it cheating behavior, why are you still with him? Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 The title of the thread says it all. It dismisses his behavior. If you think it's cheating then leave. If you do not think it's cheating then stay. Stop making excuses for his behavior. IMO it's grounds for dismissal. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Okay, I think the fact is you know his behavior wasn't acceptable or you wouldn't be on this board asking about it. Also, many of the people on here have been in that uncomfortable place at one time or another where the boyfriend/girlfriend/SO or spouse is saying one thing BUT our guts are telling us something else. And as it later turned out our guts were right all along, not what the other person was saying. So please, listen to yourself first and foremost and if something is telling you there's something off about this whole thing then likely there is. All of that aside my bigger concerns would be having a boyfriend who thinks that getting drunk to deaden pain while they are at work would ever be acceptable. Frankly, I'm surprised he didn't get handed his walking papers on the spot since I have relatives who own several nightclubs and bars in a large city and they have a zero tolerance policy for employees who drink, do drugs or hit on the customers while at work. Their view is that their employees all need to stay sharp and sober to be able to head off trouble, keep everyone happy and make sure everyone gets home alive in one piece. Or at least out out the door of the club/bar okay. So that bothers me. The getting frisky with his co-worker afterwards is just one more in a list of what I would personally consider unacceptable behaviors. And if he really can't remember anything or all of what he did then he has a drinking problem, a serious one, since blackouts are a sure, sure sign that someone has a serious problem with alcohol. Problems of the either a full-blown alcoholic or a getting there kind. Although if he took pain pills first and was still on those when he drank...ugh, nothing about this whole thing makes me feel like this guy is a good bet. At the least you need to speak up and tell him that after reflecting on it his behavior bothers you and that you are concerned he will get way too friendly with women if he drinks like that again. You need to let him know that whether he "remembers" it or not you will hold him accountable for his actions. Like I said, too many of us myself included have laughed away or allowed someone to reassure us their bad behavior was a joke or misunderstanding, when in fact it was exactly what we thought it was. And the other person turned right around and did it again often telling us, "What? You said it was okay!!!" So yeah, have the talk with him and keep him on a tight leash. Sorry to say, but that's just common sense. It's always best to be open about these things in the beginning of a relationship, because on the back end it can come back on you and him with all sorts of teeth and unwanted consequences. Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 Thank you. Your response made the most sense to me and I really appreciate all that you wrote. You helped me immensely with your response. I think I'm going to speak up about it. I'm just worried now that if I bring it up again, he's going to discuss the situation with her and if she doesn't remember it happening, she may think I'm crazy and even tell him I made it up for some reason....you know how females can be. His bar lets all the workers drink. It's not a very classy place and they don't do thinks by the book. But you're right, I don't appreciate him drinking while he works when he has females trying to flirt and throw themselves at him. That's not a good time to be drinking... But it clicked for me that you are right that it's best to be open about these things in the beginning. I don't want to keep him on a tight leash or anything and be that kind of weird, appearing to be jealous, untrusting kind of girlfriend, but I should let him know it was unacceptable and if it happens again, I'm out. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 What I usually see (been here for a while) ... initial red flag behavior. Person forgives. Then the offending partner does something undeniably bad (again) later and they have a painful breakup. Hope that doesn't happen but would not be surprised. Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 What I usually see (been here for a while) ... initial red flag behavior. Person forgives. Then the offending partner does something undeniably bad (again) later and they have a painful breakup. Hope that doesn't happen but would not be surprised. I just wanted to write the outcome of my situation for anyone who may enjoy knowing and may get hope from my situation. I just want to let ENAers know it's definitely a good idea not to jump to conclusions and hold things in, but discuss your feelings with your SO. I told my bf simply that I felt a little off since that night. I discovered he felt horrible thinking he may have done something like this and couldn't believe it. He was so proactive when I told him that I was simply feeling odd and assured me of his feelings and seriousness on the matter, told me that it had actually been eating him up and he wanted to know what happened. So, he obtained the tapes from the camera at his job and he did not kiss her on the lips but on the cheek so I was wrong in what I saw. And as it turns out, she was getting ready to leave and that's why he did kiss her cheek. But then she ended up staying longer and came over to say goodbye again. He wanted to make sure for his own piece of mind because he felt awful thinking he would do that to me. He went so far as to say that if I don't like it, he wouldn't kiss any females on the cheek to say hi/bye. And if I don't like anything he does while bartending like flirting or being playful which he does for tips, that I can always let him know and he will stop. I haven't really said yet what I'm ok with though because I think I'll see as things arise. I have never dated a bartender before and I don't want him to not make tips! I wonder if it's harder for men to get tips without flirting a little and I wonder if I would flirt for tips if I were one myself. I think for females, a pretty face and showing some skin can suffice for a tip lol. I don't think females have to do much flirting for a tip. I hope I don't sound sexist saying that, but I think it's true unfortunately. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I always tip the exact same regardless of male/female or any flirting. The flirting is completely lost on me because I know it's not genuine and instead just a trick to get my money, so I ignore it. I don't think a bartender really needs to flirt, but rather people who enjoy flirting get into bartending. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 It sounds like he has taking the situations and your emotions very seriously. That great news! Just keep being open and honest with him and I think things will work out well your you. Link to comment
Coconut Twin Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 That sounds all good. Glad you patched it up. Personally I could never date a bartender. I'd probably loose sleep over it....stress! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 He probably does have to be flirtatious to get more tips. It depends whether you are comfortable with his choice of job. Link to comment
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