He accidentally kissed a girl...

[StarGazer68]

My boyfriend of two months, got drunk the other night while he was bartending. I had yet to see him get tipsy and drunk till this night. He claimed he was tipsy but when we spoke the next day, he said he realized he had gotten pretty drunk and didn't remember some things. He didn't remember a few things I mentioned since I was sober that night. Anyway, here's the most awkward thing that happened that night: This girl was there who he works with and she was with her boyfriend. She and I were standing next to each other and my bf and her were having a conversation I couldn't hear, but my bf was laughing and seemed playful and then for some reason (something to do with what they were talking about I think) he sprung forward quickly and kissed her on the lips...like a quick peck. I keep thinking that maybe he had went to go kiss her on the cheek, but accidentally kissed her on the lips. Although, if that's the case, I'm not sure why he would spring forward to kiss her on the cheek so playfully and that concerns me.

 

She didn't seem to react and seemed to act normal and was laughing. I kind of got the impression that maybe she hadn't noticed since she was tipsy and still seemed invested in the convo they were having. I can't really explain it, but it was just a clusterf**k moment that neither of them noticed but me. Her bf standing next to her didn't even witness it since he was talking with someone.

 

I am sure nothing is going on between her and my bf, but I became very upset by this. I didn't say anything to him till the next day casually in conversation when we were discussing the night and how he got pretty drunk. He was shocked to hear about this and felt bad, kept apologizing, he genuinely didn't know he did this and wanted to ask the girl if she noticed that he accidentally kissed her on the lips but I told him it would be awkward for me if he asked her about it. He said he wondered if perhaps he thought it was me he was kissing.....or if she was leaving and so he was saying bye with a kiss on the cheek but accidentally got her lips, but I let him know that she wasn't leaving and later they did kiss on the cheek when she left.

 

I kind of played it off like I wasn't upset, we laughed about it and I made a joke out of it that apparently he kisses everyone when he's drunk. He was surprised that I wasn't mad at him and I made the excuse of saying I could tell it was an accident, but that I didn't know why he sprung forward to kiss her on the cheek anyway...he never addressed this since he didn't remember the conversation or it happening, but only said that she and he usually kiss on the cheek (I think he meant for saying hello and goodbye). He told me he isn't going to get so drunk again since this happened, but I told him I didn't want him to not have fun and not drink because of me.

 

I'm now still bothered by this for three reasons: a) If my boyfriend gets tipsy/drunk, he does things he doesn't remember like kiss girls and gets very playful/flirty. I know he has to flirt for his job, but this kind of drunk playfulness was the kind where he honestly seemed like he could be taken advantage of in the right situation and with a little more alcohol. And also I noticed him getting awfully close to females' faces and chests when he was talking to them. I think because of his inebriated state, he couldn't tell just how close he was to girls' lips, faces, chests when he was leaning in and tilting his head in to listen. It was a bit awkward for me, but wasn't such a big deal. I just haven't had a boyfriend before who gets so physically close and friendly like that to talk with girls so I'm not sure how to feel about it. b) I didn't do a good job of letting him know the next day during our conversation that what happened is not ok and that I was in fact disappointed. c) I am worried that because I joked about it, took it lightly and made excuses for him, that it may open a door for thinking he can get away with lots of mistakes with me.

 

ENAers, please let me know what you think.

[Ms Darcy]

What a strange situation. I think you shouldn't have stopped him from apologizing to the girl. Sometimes acknowledging strange behavior can make it less likely to happen in the future.

 

Mostly, though, I think I would be uncomfortable dating someone who drinks to the point where they are unknowingly kissing. THAT drinking behavior would be a dealbreaker for me.

[StarGazer68]

He didn't say anything about apologizing to her. He wanted to ask her if it did in fact happen or if she remembers it happening...which I guess I just realized this means that he didn't believe what I said and saw.

[pl3asehelp]

I think you should just tell him how you feel about it if you don't want it to happen again. However, I think it probably will happen again either way. Drinking isn't an excuse and it wasn't an accident.

[StarGazer68]

You know, he also said to me that there is no way he would do that with me standing right there and he didn't understand why he would ever do that to her in his inebriated state especially since he is not attracted to this girl at all particularly because she looks so much like this other person he knows and hates.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm going to take a guess at what his next excuse will be.

 

"I accidentally slept with her."

[StarGazer68]

I think you should just tell him how you feel about it if you don't want it to happen again. However, I think it probably will happen again either way. Drinking isn't an excuse and it wasn't an accident.

 

You don't think him kissing her on the lips was an accident? I think it was and he meant to kiss her cheek, but I just don't get why he would spring forward playfully to kiss her on the cheek...

 

He really comes off very silly, playful and innocent when he's drunk. I really don't think he meant to do it, but if ENAers think it's still wrong, please let me know what I should say or do now.

[Batya33]

You know, he also said to me that there is no way he would do that with me standing right there and he didn't understand why he would ever do that to her in his inebriated state especially since he is not attracted to this girl at all particularly because she looks so much like this other person he knows and hates.

 

He chose to get drunk and chose the consequences. He is a bartender, surrounded by alcohol. Did you know this when you met him? If so then it's not surprising that he might choose to drink too much more often than people who are not bartenders. It's up to you to figure out whether you have compatible values.

[pl3asehelp]

You don't think him kissing her on the lips was an accident? I think it was and he meant to kiss her cheek, but I just don't get why he would spring forward playfully to kiss her on the cheek...

 

No, most definitely do not think it was an accident. I think the only reason you think it was is because you want to avoid the difficult decision you need to make as a result.

[1Dow]

I personally think, your with him two months...if hes done this and you feel this bad imagine in 6 months or a year when you have serious feelings, how will you feel then? I know he was drunk but it seems like he was acting okay about it you know.

My advice, get out while you can.

[Coconut Twin]

 

Mostly, though, I think I would be uncomfortable dating someone who drinks to the point where they are unknowingly kissing. THAT drinking behavior would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

I agree, its a dealbreaker for me also. I don't drink, my ex wasn't a huge drinker either. One pint of beer at the pub with Sunday roast. That was about it.

 

Call me backward but why drink to get drunk? don't get it. I find it a put off.

 

People do things they regret later when they've had one too many..

 

Personally, I like to be in control of mind and body and i wouldn't date a guy who liked to get 'hammered' every so often.

[StarGazer68]

He chose to get drunk and chose the consequences. He is a bartender, surrounded by alcohol. Did you know this when you met him? If so then it's not surprising that he might choose to drink too much more often than people who are not bartenders. It's up to you to figure out whether you have compatible values.

 

I did know this when I met him and I was interested to see him actually get drunk because it takes quite a bit to get him drunk. This was my first time witnessing him drunk.

[StarGazer68]

No, most definitely do not think it was an accident. I think the only reason you think it was is because you want to avoid the difficult decision you need to make as a result.

 

I mean the thing too is it looked like he half got her lips when he went in for it, that's why I assumed it was meant for the cheek. You really think he would do this with me and her boyfriend in the same bar? Or perhaps for some reason he forgot about me and her boyfriend being there in his state...

 

He asked me how long after I got there did it happen....and he said he didn't remember me leaving the bar.

[Snny]

What a slouch. Instead of taking responsibility for his own actions, he blames it on the alcohol. What a convenient excuse. He sounds like a child who lacks total self control of himself and his drinking limits. Bartenders aren't even suppose to be drinking while on the job, so he lacks class and professionalism all around. Listen, if you're going to act like an idiot, be expected to be treated as such.

 

I'd be livid and dump this guy. He crossed the line with you and this girl's boyfriend. Don't even back him up for what he just did... he was way out of line.

[StarGazer68]

I agree, its a dealbreaker for me also. I don't drink, my ex wasn't a huge drinker either. One pint of beer at the pub with Sunday roast. That was about it.

 

Call me backward but why drink to get drunk? don't get it. I find it a put off.

 

People do things they regret later when they've had one too many..

 

Personally, I like to be in control of mind and body and i wouldn't date a guy who liked to get 'hammered' every so often.

 

I haven't yet seen him get this drunk and I don't even think he got that drunk too where I would say he was hammered. The thing is, he hurt his back and was in a lot of pain but needed to work so he got very drunk so he couldn't feel the pain so I don't know if this is a normal thing for him to do....we haven't really gone out drinking with people as of yet.

[pl3asehelp]

I haven't yet seen him get this drunk and I don't even think he got that drunk too...I wouldn't even say he was hammered. The thing is, he hurt his back and was in a lot of pain but needed to work so he got very drunk so he couldn't feel the pain so I don't know if this is a normal thing for him to do....we haven't really gone out drinking with people as of yet.

 

This is EXTREMELY bad.

 

Most of us, if we have some back pain, either see a doctor, take tylenol, or call off work. We don't get drunk to numb the physical pain to make it through a shift at work.

 

Don't you see that craziness here?

[StarGazer68]

This is EXTREMELY bad.

 

Most of us, if we have some back pain, either see a doctor, take tylenol, or call off work. We don't get drunk to numb the physical pain to make it through a shift at work.

 

Don't you see that craziness here?

 

He tried pills and it didn't help, he wouldn't go to the doctor because he's stubborn about doctors, and he had left work the night before because of his back pain and I think at this point he really needed the money.

 

I do see your point, but for some reason I didn't think it was so crazy. I did keep asking him to see a doctor or go to the ER, but I have a mother who is just the same way so it is crazy but some people are like that.

[Moontiger]

I really do not like when people blame cheating behavior on drinking. And, I would certainly think twice about being in a relationship with someone who would use this excuse. I have been VERY drunk a number of times (never blacked out, always in safe situations) and have NEVER done anything that could bee seen as cheating, my current BF was smashed when we first meet (we meet at a party) but he wasn't all over me. He was very respectful and I had though he was only tipsy. After we started dating he told me how he had been trying very hard to not make a fool of himself in front of me.

 

People can control themselves after drinking. Saying other wise is just an excuse to try and get others to over look bad behavior.

[Batya33]

I haven't yet seen him get this drunk and I don't even think he got that drunk too where I would say he was hammered. The thing is, he hurt his back and was in a lot of pain but needed to work so he got very drunk so he couldn't feel the pain so I don't know if this is a normal thing for him to do....we haven't really gone out drinking with people as of yet.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to self-medicate with alcohol.

[dangletsbang]

You can't keep making excuses for him, star. No amount of excuses will make up for the fact that he cheated on you, it was no accident. You're doing exactly what he wants..trying to pin the 'reasons why' on anything BUT the real honest truth.

[blackwings]

I'm going to disagree with most people here and say that I do think this was an accident. Although I hate to admit it, I have done this myself and I honestly meant nothing by it and really wasn't aware of what I was doing or what was going on until after. Although, I did realize what I did right away and did not continue, and was honest with my fiance about it and have never let it happen again. But I'll also say that since you've only been dating for a couple a months and he can't have been THAT wasted if he was at work (it is very alarming if he was), that you should probably still just let this relationship go. You'll remember this forever otherwise, since it happened so early in your relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

At this point, I think many people think that he's full of it and at the very least the drinking to this point is a dealbreaker. What are you going to do at this point now?

[StarGazer68]

I really do not like when people blame cheating behavior on drinking. And, I would certainly think twice about being in a relationship with someone who would use this excuse. I have been VERY drunk a number of times (never blacked out, always in safe situations) and have NEVER done anything that could bee seen as cheating, my current BF was smashed when we first meet (we meet at a party) but he wasn't all over me. He was very respectful and I had though he was only tipsy. After we started dating he told me how he had been trying very hard to not make a fool of himself in front of me.

 

People can control themselves after drinking. Saying other wise is just an excuse to try and get others to over look bad behavior.

 

Everyone keeps writing that he used the excuse that he was drinking and that's why, but I don't remember him saying that to me ever. He just kept apologizing and saying he couldn't imagine why he would do that and didn't remember it.

 

But yes, I have been VERY drunk as well and can control myself and don't get over friendly. I guess all ENAers here are right. I don't know what to do next. Should I say something about it now? Leave the topic alone for now and see what he does next public drinking situation? I am willing to give one more chance. I want to get into a situation where we are out drinking again so I can see if this is just how he is when he drinks....which will be a deal breaker. And also I haven't really seen him yet with any females since we have only been alone on dates so far so I would like to see how he is with his female friends before I completely write him off.

[LDRohnos]

Relationship = Responsibility and Accountability. There was no accident here, if he was responsible he wouldn't have had that many drinks.

 

If this bothers you (why shouldn't it?) don't invalidate your own feelings and concerns to allow him to save face. It won't work out in the end because he's going to continue doing it thinking that all he needs to do is say, "Hey babe, you know me...drunk kissing guy!!!". He needs to take accountability for his own bad habits, if he puts you as a priority he will understand that is not appropriate behavior and try to behave accordingly. If that means he needs to cut out drinks so he doesn't run around kissing all the girls because, "that's the way he is".. Whelp...time to put down the bottle and take accountability.

 

I would have made him apologize.

[Moontiger]

the t

If you want to give him another chance I would talk to him. Say that what happened made you very uncomfortable and if it happens again you will not be able to continue dating him.