Stories Trickling Out

[HesitantNow]

Need some outside thoughts on my current relationship situation. I met a girl last December and we hit things off really well. Both of us in our late 20's and looking for the same things out of a relationship, something long-term and something with a future. She was upfront about being a heavy pot user while in college and about an ex-boyfriend she was with for four years that she lived with, though claimed the relationship had also been over for four years. We took it pretty slow during the first three or so months, a couple of dates a week. As the relationship continued, I never had any doubts about her and I don't think she had many about me. Things started to get really serious after about 5 months and we got engaged after seven months. It was quick but I was convinced we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and she agreed.

 

Now on to the issues we're dealing with at the moment. Over the summer and after we'd decided to live together in my house, she left her FB page open and I saw a message from her ex-boyfriend. Just little chitchat and I didn't spend much time looking at it because A) it wasn't my business and B) I trust her. So I try to ignore but it eats at me for a few days so it came up in conversation. She says it was just harmless "hey how are you" stuff but she did say they had sent each other five or six message each over the last couple of weeks. My biggest concern with her was how the relationship was described to me, it had ended pretty badly and she said she lost all trust for him. About a year after their relationship ended, he'd had a kid with another woman and my fiance was convinced he was seeing her when their relationship ended. So after telling me all this, I couldn't figure out why she'd even stay in contact with him. She got a little defensive at first but agreed that if she was 100% in our relationship, he had no business being in the picture. She cut off all contact with him at that point from what I know and believe. Move ahead a few months and we're engaged with her living in my house and we're talking about something when she makes the comment that she hasn't seen him since May while he was working at a restaurant, something I was unaware of. After pointing out to her that she had told me she hadn't seen him since last November more than once, I asked why didn't I hear about this one. She at first said she just forgot about it but then came around to saying she didn't want it to be an issue. Sticking with this guy, it has since came out that she had been sleeping with him basically up to a couple of months before we met. That alone bothered me a little bit but we didn't know each other at the time and I know old relationships die hard, it really bothered me that her story wasn't consistent with the relationship ending four years ago.

 

Issue number two came up recently and it's something that I'm still processing. When she moved in she had an old VHS of Cheech and Chong that was given to her by a guy when she was in college, no big deal. She had said the movie was from one of her friends who had drowned a year after giving it to her. No questions asked about it. Two weeks ago, something on tv got us into a conversation about our past and she mentioned a few things she had done that really caught me off guard. One being the guy that she kept the movie from wasn't only a friend but an ex-boyfriend of a year for her. The guy had cheated on her repeatedly and was generally a piece of work. From knowing her actions at that time, I believe that 100%. At this point, I asked why she hadn't mentioned that the first time it came up about the movie and when we were going through pictures of hers from that time. She goes back to the "didn't want it to be an issue" line. I again ask why she has an emotional attachment to a movie that was given to her by a guy that put her through everything she had told me (kids she didn't know about and had one while they were dating). I repeat the same question about why keep something like this from a guy/relationship like that?

 

Her side is that she had always had low self-esteem and has always had trouble trusting people. Growing up, her mother was really a dual personality. A mom when she was around but also got into drugs and eventually identity theft that got her into legal trouble. She says that crushed her and she acquired a "screw it" attitude during HS and college to explain those actions. Because of those issues, she says that has always also held on to the few guys she had in her life and tried to convince herself that things were much better than they really were. I know it tears her up when these things come up between because they are in the past and our relationship is great right now. She swears she is happier and in a more stable relationship than she ever thought was possible, though this causes me even more confusion because I don't understand how or why she hung on to those other things through our relationship. It also concerns me how these things just seem to continue to trickle out.

 

Any thoughts or ideas about dealing with all this? The fact that she has continued to hang on to some of these past things has scared me a little bit.

[pl3asehelp]

I'd let her go. Self esteem issues, trust issues, in contact with the ex issues, blaming her behavior on her upbringing. There are so many people out there without these problems that I don't think it's worth your time to struggle with this one.

[annie24]

Issue #1 - I don't see it as a really big deal. Maybe now would be a good time for you two to decide how to handle exes now that you are engaged to be married. If she happened to see him at a restaurant, or they write the occassional hello email, i don't see that as a big deal. Do you stay in casual contact with your exes? Maybe you two should talk about boundaries.

 

Issue #2 - I think this is a non-issue. It's a cheech and chong VHS. It probably has no sentimental value. As long as you have a VHS player, I see no reason to get rid of it. I'm sure I have things that exes gave me that I don't even think about. One ex gave me a heating pad because I was cold in the winter in my apartment. I wouldn't dream of throwing that away!

 

I don't know how much of it is her being shady or you being suspicious. Personally, I don't think anyone needs to give the "play by play." To me, if something happened 4 years ago or 4 years and 7 months ago, no big deal. Does she need to present you a time line with infographics? Microsoft PowerPoint presentation? I hope not!!! As long as things are dead and over with the men from the past, that's the most important thing.

[heaven123]

I personally think you are reading too much into it. Perhaps she has without thinking held on but she has done nothing that should indicate that she is not trustworthy. In summary... sometimes we do stupid things.

[HesitantNow]

I agree with most of what you said here Annie, just trying to see if I'm making it into a bigger deal than it is. On issue #1, she went to the restaurant he worked at meaning it wasn't random. She knew he was there. My issue with the whole thing is how the story has changed over time with their history, just gives me pause in trusting her with it.

 

As for issue #2, no there is no VHS player. It was only for sentimental reasons, reasons I'd have never questioned if the truth about it had come out in the beginning. It has been an evolving story as well.

 

As far as your last comment, no I don't need infographics or a presentation. Just wondered if the multiple edits should concern me. She has a sketchy history and has done a lot to change it over the last few years but these are things that have made me question how much of it is really "dead and over with".

[pl3asehelp]

She lied to you about intentionally seeing an ex. Is lying ok with you? The sentimental things she keeps around were from this ex, who she lied to you about going to see after agreeing to you there would be NC. Really? Why waste your time?

[Eocsor]

I don't know and really no one else does either. These could just be trivial things or maybe they do add up to something. Only you can decide. The one thing I will say is that if your relationship doesn't have trust, it's doomed to failure no matter what you do. You either trust someone or you don't. If you really don't, it's time to move on.

[chickydoodle]

Many times it is difficult to tell the truth for several reasons .

Maybe it is fear of your reaction; of losing you; of you judging her; mistrusting her.

I am not saying you react badly but her experience of men may have been of those that would .

Maybe she can sense there are certain truths you would not handle very well.

Her motives for witholding the truth are prob not to maintain some hidden RS with ex but rather one of the above.

As Annie suggested , a heart to heart regarding exes would prob be a good idea.

[pl3asehelp]

Many times it is difficult to tell the truth for several reasons .

Maybe it is fear of your reaction; of losing you; of you judging her; mistrusting her.

I am not saying you react badly but her experience of men may have been of those that would .

Maybe she can sense there are certain truths you would not handle very well.

Her motives for witholding the truth are prob not to maintain some hidden RS with ex but rather one of the above.

As Annie suggested , a heart to heart regarding exes would prob be a good idea.

 

OP, if your gf uses uses any of these excuses to explain why she lied to you, I think you'd be a fool to accept them and it would be setting you up for a pattern of abuse in your relationship. She'll continue to lie to you when it suits her purposes or it's easier for her. These are rationalizations for lying, which is never ok to do to your partner, no matter how difficult telling the truth sometimes is.

[EmmaB78]

OP, I understand your concerns, and I wonder how much of them are coming from a place of realizing that you got engaged very quickly and need to know this person better. I don't think she sounds exactly mistrustful - more like one of those people that doesn't realize that lying about/covering up some small thing to avoid "making it an issue" is exactly what causes issues to begin with. I think if you had more time to get to know her, it might not bother you as much, but considering that you are planning to marry this girl, it's making you wonder what else is going to come out over time, when it's too late to get out. I think you need to have a serioius heart to heart with her about the fact that even small lies are almost always worse than whatever the truth is. I also think you should consider making this a long-ish engagement to give yourself some breathing room and avoid the anxiety that you may be marrying someone you don't really know.