Cheating in the past?

[Lucy3]

First of all thanks to anyone who reads this... So I went on a first date tonight, I met him online and I felt it went really well, there were no awkward silences and i felt we had a lot in common, and after the date he texted me saying that he wanted to see me again for a second date, so it all seems perfect....EXCEPT he told me during our date tonight that in the past he has cheated on a past girlfriend (He said it was while he was at university so he was about 24) then after that he said he'd grown up a lot since then (hes now 31) and said he would never do it now.

 

My problem is that I have always gone with that saying of 'once a cheat always a cheat' It kind of disappoints me to think that he ever had it in him to cheat, even though it was many years ago. I just dont know what to think, should i just forget about his past as obviously i am not a part of it and it could be true that he has grown up and is over cheating on girlfriends now or should I be wary that if things were to develop further with him and me i'd have to question if I could trust him not to cheat on me?? Ive always been massively anti cheating and really dont think i could ever forgive anyone who cheated on me, not saying that he would, but i think if hes got it in him to cheat years ago how do i know he wouldnt do it again if he was tempted?? I know its a bit too soon to be thinking about this after just one date but i just really dont know what to think...im so unbelieveable anti cheating that i just find it hard to believe that a guy can cheat at one point in his life and then claim that he is 'over cheating' some male (and female) perspective would be great thanks....... x

[eternalsunrise]

It sounds like he stated that he cheated when he was younger not only to be truthful but to depict that he has matured a lot and is not the same person. Give him a chance. I think there would be other red flags that come up (if he's still capable of cheating) that show you who he is now but you would have to spend time with him to get to know him to find out. My advice would be to get to know him well before becoming officially in a relationship with him.

[sophie274]

Well, first of all, I have to say I think it's a bit odd that he volunteered that information on a first date, to be honest. Did you ask him if he had cheated on a past date? I'm all for honesty, but I don't really think it's a good topic for a first date.

 

I would be ok dating someone who had cheated in the past under the circumstances you describe. I think it's absolutely possible for people to make bad decisions, regret them, and resolve not to behave in that way again. (I would feel more confident about it if it had just been a one-night stand type of deal - if he had carried on a long "affair"/two-timing situation, I would probably feel uncomfortable no matter how long ago it had happened.) I would feel differently if the cheating had happened more recently or if he didn't express any remorse.

 

The thing is, regardless of your anti-cheating sentiment or not (and I can sympathize - I feel sure that I would not ever, could not ever cheat), you can't let this become an issue if you do decide to continue seeing him. If you choose to continue dating him, you can't harp on the topic, and you'll have to be able to trust him.

[annie24]

yeah, how did this topic get brought up? i think that since he used this as an example of a mistake he made when he was younger and would not do again, i would give him the benefit of the doubt. most people have done something when they were younger that they were not proud of and they have learned from their mistakes. shouldn't hold that against them.

[Generation]

Labeling theory. When you get a chance, read up on it. I do believe that's what it's called but I'm unable to verify due to Wikipedia being down.

 

My problem is that I have always gone with that saying of 'once a cheat always a cheat'

 

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is the most discouraging thing you can say to a person. When you label someone something like that, you rob them of their chance to prove something to you, something possibly worthwhile. You're living in a black and white world. You're scarring them for life and making them unable to move on.

 

That being said, end it with him. It's not gonna work out because of your mentality, and that's a shame.

 

I'm not gonna bother trying to change your mind, even though I've been in his shoes and I can tell you everything and offer some real insight here. I'm not gonna bother because I don't think you'd care, but ask and I will tell if you have an open mind, and step one is getting over that mentality of yours. Right now, my opinion for you is find someone else. Good luck.

[Lucy3]

Thank you everyone for your replies, I can't actually remember how we got onto the topic of cheating, he didn't just out of the blue say it, i think we were talking about a couple of celebs that have cheated and then we just got onto the topic of his past, he said that he did it at university and regrets it and that hes grown up a lot since then. He also said that he doesn't see the point in being with someone if you're going to cheat. So I guess it sounds like hes learnt a lot from those days. We both agreed we had got onto a pretty serious topic for a first date and kind of laughed about it.

 

Generation- thanks for your answer, I would be interested to hear what you have to say to change my mind, this is why I put this post on, to hear other peoples experiences and opinions, so please do. Thanks

[Generation]

In order for your relationship to work with him, you must get over the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater." When you serve someone an absolute idea like that in your mind, you're adding severe restrictions to yourself, to him and to the relationship as a whole and nothing will grow. That's why you shouldn't see him unless you can open your mind. I would not want to be with someone who thought like that, it's so unforgiving and heartless, especially considering you weren't the victim either. It's unfair.

 

To tell you my story in the shortest way possible, I cheated on my ex. I won't make excuses or tell you the details that lead up to it, I accepted 100% fault, and I told her the next day. She broke up with me. I deserved that, and it was incredibly painful. All I wanted to do was to repent.

 

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" - I think that people who think in this way are incredibly ignorant to have such a narrow scope of vision, and to let the dogma of six words dictate everything. To disregard the fact that cheaters have hearts and feelings too, and that mistakes were made. As if the relationship meant nothing to them. IYou can't categorize everyone the same way, you just can't. It really frustrated me when people kept saying this because it's like I'll never be given a second chance to show them I'm not. It's like having a tattoo you regret getting, heck it might as well be a tattoo of a red letter A. People do change. People mature and grow, and learn some important things.

 

I made the resolve that I was gonna tell the truth to whoever the next person I got involved with, if the topic arose. I didn't want to lie. Hell, I could've lied to my ex about cheating, but I didn't. So I did tell my new girlfriend. She accepted it and can see past it. If she didn't want to stay with me, oh well, let's call that karma. I'll say another thing; having cheated once already, having experienced the pain that I inflicted upon someone and myself, I never want to experience something like that ever again. No matter how tempting, I know I can fight it. It's gonna be easy for me to say No. In some ways, it's made me stronger than ever. I've been there, done that, I know I don't need to visit that place ever again. The next person I dated had the reward of dating someone who has matured greatly as a result. She's now assured that it will never ever happen, it was a promise I made to her, but more importantly a promise I made to myself.

[Chris Knows]

Trust ... on of the key ingredients to ANY successful relationship.

 

I've cheated in the past when I was younger. Doesn't mean you will cheat in the future People are immature, need to grow up, find themselves etc. I wouldn't stress it.

[chr8st8na]

Yea in the past I would have never dated a known cheater but the last guy I went out with cheated on his ex-wife. I didn't know until 2 months in to our dating relationship and he said that he did. They were separated for 2 yrs but still it was his wife. The longer I got to know him he let it out that she had basically did a lot of bad things including taking his all his $$ and their daughter's piggy bank for a drug spree. So sometimes it brings you down from your horse and realize that every situation is not the same. Did it mean he didn't cheat? No but it didn't make it so bad that they were separated, and she was a theif, a liar, a terrible mother and an addict.

[22n32]

Once a cheater I coulde never trust her.. its what I live by..

 

Doesn't mean people cant change.. but I can't take that chance ..

[Fun Boater 1]

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is the most discouraging thing you can say to a person. When you label someone something like that, you rob them of their chance to prove something to you, something possibly worthwhile. You're living in a black and white world. You're scarring them for life and making them unable to move on.

 

Well said. Very true. I believer there are many exceptions to the "once a cheater..." adage. However, I also think it's true that there are lots of "serial cheaters" out there, both male and female. Some people just can't be faithful in any relationship. Some people use cheating as a way to sabotage relationships. Some people are just selfish and all about themselves and don't care how their actions affect others. Lots of people are just shady and lack integrity. The key is you have to evaluate people on an "indvidual" basis to determine their character.

 

I know people who have cheated on a partner, ONCE, and had huge regrets, never to cheat again. I know people who regularly cheat on their partners and spouses and probably will never break that pattern. So I think labelling is wrong. Besides, it's easy to self-righteously state "I'D NEVER CHEAT", when the reality is you really aren't sure what you would do in a situation where temptation would be very hard to avoid. Most people have the luxury of making statements like that because they know they most likely won't, or have never been; in a real situation where they faced the choice - Kind of like people who are adamantly "anti-abortion", but who have never had to deal with an unplanned pregnancy.

 

I think this guy was nuts to dump this kind of emotional baggage on you on a first date. I would be more concerned about that act than any cheating he revealed in his past. Why would he share such a potentially self-damaging piece of information with you? When you are on a job interview, you wouldn't tell your potential employer something like - "oh, btw, I used to steal from a company I used to work for". Obviously, revealing that kind of information would cause your integrity to be questioned. I just can't get my head around why he would tell you about cheating in his past. There's got to be more to the story.

[hodgeheg]

I have been cheated on by an ex and I don't think that I could be with someone who had cheated in the past. But, that said, it really would depend how long ago it was and the circumstances surrounding the relationship. If they had significantly matured since that point or there were plausible, understandable reasons why it happened then I'd be more likely to be able to go out with them.

 

You can only judge on the person you have in front of you, not on a generic statement like "once a cheater, always a cheater."

[Lucy3]

I think this guy was nuts to dump this kind of emotional baggage on you on a first date. I would be more concerned about that act than any cheating he revealed in his past. Why would he share such a potentially self-damaging piece of information with you? When you are on a job interview, you wouldn't tell your potential employer something like - "oh, btw, I used to steal from a company I used to work for". Obviously, revealing that kind of information would cause your integrity to be questioned. I just can't get my head around why he would tell you about cheating in his past. There's got to be more to the story.

 

I know what you mean, it is a bit weird for a first date....but like I said in one of my other posts we kind of stumbled accross the conversation after getting onto the topic about a celebrity that had recently cheated (I think it was one of the guys from take that lol) Then I went on to say that I don't understand how people can cheat and that it's the worst thing you could do to somebody etc and I think then he just kind of said 'I've done it in the past' and then said about how hes grown up now and wouldnt do it now etc. Well if it does go any further with this guy maybe after a couple more dates I could ask him to explain more about that time in his life, but trying not to be too nosey. If he was a serial cheat then I just don't know if I could give him a chance. Serial cheats are not the kind that make the mistake once and seriously regret it are they.

[Stay_home]

Horrible conversation for a first date, number one.

 

Number two. People make mistakes all the time and every day and sometimes based on the circumstances there are some things that you have to let flush down the drain and be over with. Believe it or not cheating is not the worst thing that you can do to a spouse or partner. There's physical abuse. There's emotional abuse. I would much rather take my chances with a former cheater than a former abuser. You should probably consider that as you find that as you get much older most people will have had their run in with the devil. We've all done things.

 

Personally, if I were in your shoes I'd continue dating and see what comes out of it. And no more of these interpersonal questions too early in the game like this.

[Fun Boater 1]

If he was a serial cheat then I just don't know if I could give him a chance. Serial cheats are not the kind that make the mistake once and seriously regret it are they.

 

I highly doubt he is a "serial cheater". If he was, there's no way he would have mentioned the cheating in his past. He would have just lied to you, pursued a relationship, and then cheated. lol I'm of the opinion that he probably just referred to a bad decision he made in his younger years and wanted to point out that he has grown and would never make that kind of mistake again. I think 2 Sided Coin put it very well in his post above - date him and see what develops. Don't judge him on this one single conversation!

[LostOne01]

From what he told said, he's definitely a cheater and they'll blame shift their conscious decision to cheat on the weather if they had to. So it's no surprise he'd blame it on him being in his 20s, as if he had no control over his actions.

 

Plus why did he mention this so early? That's something else to be suspicious of, especially when you didn't even ask him.

 

If you want to continue seeing him, then I sincerely wish you well. Just don't allow others to make you feel guilty because you have strong morals and don't tolerate infidelity.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Generation]

Plus why did he mention this so early? That's something else to be suspicious of, especially when you didn't even ask him.

 

 

this is like the 4th time someone asked and the 3rd time she answered.........

 

"I know what you mean, it is a bit weird for a first date....but like I said in one of my other posts we kind of stumbled accross the conversation after getting onto the topic about a celebrity that had recently cheated (I think it was one of the guys from take that lol) Then I went on to say that I don't understand how people can cheat and that it's the worst thing you could do to somebody etc and I think then he just kind of said 'I've done it in the past' and then said about how hes grown up now and wouldnt do it now etc."

 

 

So it's no surprise he'd blame it on him being in his 20s, as if he had no control over his actions.

 

I don't think that was part of his reason or the blame for his action. It's just a fact that he was 24 or something. Doesn't mean a thing. At this point, no one can speculate.

[Ms Darcy]

So in my opinion there are some orange ... not quite red ... flags here. If a guy says he used to beat his ex but he was immature I think you should be very concerned. It is not unfair to say that that was a past behavior pattern that you do not want to get into and to leave. Past behavior is often a good predictor of future behavior. But what concerns me more is that one date with one guy would make you personally do an about face in your own beliefs. I am not saying to be rigid but you should have a strong enough core that you are flip flopping after one date. My point is that this IS a major concern and it should not be taken lightly. I also find it strange that he discussed that on a first date .... especially when 6 years really is not that long ago in my opinion. People can often signal you to how they will treat you if the relationship isnt going as they want. It was only one date ... if you stay be cautious.

[Generation]

Am I the only one who doesn't find it that strange that he spoke about it on the first date? The topic arose. He did Lucy a huge favor by letting her know what she's getting herself into. Not a red flag, not even magenta, more like a white flag if you ask me. He's lowered his guards. Personally, I think 6 years is a long time. Correction, 7 years.

[Lucy3]

eeeeeek I'm more confused than ever now with all these different view points. Thanks everyone for your input, I guess that time will tell over this situation. Glad you can see the point about how the topic arose Generation. Its not like he just came out with it out of the blue. I think it would be worse if we were talking about cheating in general and he kept saying "yeah its awful, i dont know how people can do it" or something like that and then I find out later that he had done it when he was younger. I guess he felt telling the truth was the best thing to do which it definitely is!

[Polis]

How many times did he cheat? Was it a one time deal?

 

If it was just once, when he was 24, then I would say he doesn't have a pattern of cheating. Unless he was single for all those years I wouldn't worry, he lived and learned as he said.

[LostOne01]

this is like the 4th time someone asked and the 3rd time she answered.........

 

"I know what you mean, it is a bit weird for a first date....but like I said in one of my other posts we kind of stumbled accross the conversation after getting onto the topic about a celebrity that had recently cheated (I think it was one of the guys from take that lol) Then I went on to say that I don't understand how people can cheat and that it's the worst thing you could do to somebody etc and I think then he just kind of said 'I've done it in the past' and then said about how hes grown up now and wouldnt do it now etc."

 

I don't have time to read every post so excuse me for a technicality.

 

I don't think that was part of his reason or the blame for his action.

 

Then he should've never brought it up. It was an attempt to excuse what he'd done in the past.

 

It's just a fact that he was 24 or something.

 

Again then why he bring up his age.

 

Doesn't mean a thing.

 

Oh yes it does. I think if someone cheated in the past it is a great indicator about them, don't you think.

 

At this point, no one can speculate.

 

It's not a speculation, just pointing out the obvious.

[greywolf]

People make mistakes all the time. What's important is whether a person learns from them or not.

[Generation]

 

Then he should've never brought it up. It was an attempt to excuse what he'd done in the past.

 

 

 

Again then why he bring up his age.

 

 

 

Oh yes it does. I think if someone cheated in the past it is a great indicator about them, don't you think.

 

It's not a speculation, just pointing out the obvious.

 

Not gonna waste my time responding back. Believe what you want to believe, but that's good for you.

 

Like I said in my very first post, I won't bother trying to change people's minds unless they can keep an open mind.

[Ms Darcy]

People make mistakes all the time. What's important is whether a person learns from them or not.

 

While I agree people definitely make mistakes, you have to think about the degree of the mistake and what you are comfortable. No matter how remorseful, I would not date a former child molestor or armed robber ... etc etc. It's our own personal choice to set those rules and it's ok to have a screening process.