Women - how do you feel about your significant others talking to women in bars?

[sandrawg]

Just wondering how women who are in relationships feel about this. My boyfriend is a big flirt. He's flirted with women in front of me before. Now we're more serious and committed, although I've expressed an openness to consider doing "other things" together...3ways and the like. I also have no problems with him watching porn, or going to strip clubs..in fact, I go to strip clubs with him. I'm extremely laidback about that kind of thing.

 

At the same time, he'll go out with the guys and the next day, tell me about some girls who glommed onto him and his friends, or some girl who is clearly flirting with him or trying to get together with him. He makes it sound as if he makes it clear he's not going to do anything with these girls, and I'm trying to just..trust him. But, we got together under dubious circumstances..he was in an LDR at the time. Yes, it was a horrible rel'ship and his ex did not treat him well, but I realize this was not ideal..for me to get into a rel'ship with a guy who cheated on his gf with me. I'm not sure if I believe the whole, once a cheater, always a cheater, tho...his ex only saw him once every 5-6 months, and his best friend is my housemate, who's known him many years..and my housemate says, until I came along, my boyfriend NEVER cheated on the LDR girl. How does he know for sure, tho? I ask myself this sometimes.

 

I don't know how to broach the subject with my bf of, talking to women in bars. I kind of feel like, if anything WAS going on with these women, he wouldn't tell me about it. But he'll tell me that he talks to women to try to set them up with his brother, or his friends. I had an ex who used that as an excuse for also talking to women in bars. Maybe I'm just not comfortable being with a guy who feels he needs to chat up women in bars, cuz this is my 2nd rel'ship where I've felt discomfort about it.

 

I don't want to come accross w/my bf as either too jealous, too needy, or too controlling.

 

I'm wondering how others handle it.

[lavenderdove]

Well, 'open' relationships are a slippery slope where it may be unclear what it OK and what isn't. You have to sit down with him and clearly define what behaviors are OK (i.e., threesomes together, but not him cruising for and picking up women alone). If he thinks you have a truly open relationship and that is what he wants, then any other woman is fair game regardless of how he gets with her.

 

I'm not sure how old you are, but frankly a guy hanging out in bars a lot when he's in a relationship gets kind of old in general after a while, and might indicate his problem is alcohol more than other women. If he goes out once a month with his buddies to a bar that is no big deal, but if this is a several times a week or every week thing, then it might be problematic.

 

50% of the population is women, so 'talking' to women isn't problematic if he isn't cheating, but the definition of cheating becomes problematic if you are already in a relationship that allows sexual activity apart from each other as in 3somes. It's not talking to women that is the problem, it is that you are unsure that he might be looking for a new GF or considering cheating.

 

But if he is a big flirt, and has cheated in the past, and now you are open to 3somes in the like, the cow may already be out of the barn and hard to put it back in again. You should try to talk to him about boundaries, what is OK to do in the relationship and what is not in terms of seeking out or having sex with other people. Ask him what he considers are good boundaries, and then try to negotiate as in, it makes me uncomfortable if you are meeting a lot of women alone in bars, and it is not OK for you to see other women alone in bars or go out with them if i'm not there too. Tell him you may be ok with some aspects of an open relationship, but you don't want to be polyamorous where both of you get to flirt with, see or date anyone else you please and have one on one relationships with other people besides your own.

[sandrawg]

Sorry, I should've clarified..we had some tension over the whole open rel'ship thing earlier, so we did clarify all of that. We're both on the same page that we would do everything together, with full approval and knowledge of both of us before even considering bringing in another person (who would be FEMALE, because I'm bisexual, and he is not, nor does he want me doing anything with another man.)

 

As far as the bar thing goes, I very often go with him. Sometimes we both flirt with women-since we had the discussion he's been respectful in front of me. I'm not really sure how I feel about the whole, meeting women in bars without me thing, which is why I guess I wanted to get others' opinions on it.

[OptomisticGirl]

The bottom line is, you don't trust him. If you trusted him he could be chatting to the hottest woman in the bar and it wouldn't bother you. The fact your relationships started from an affair (for lack of a better word) you don't know if he will do that to YOU. My HUSBAND lives in a shared house with another man and THREE women - I've never lost a second's moment of peace over it - because I trust him.

[bulletproof]

I agree that it doesn't sound as though you trust him, regardless of the nature of the relationship. I would also agree that there seems to be an excessive amount of time spent in bars, because otherwise how would this even be an issue? Finally, I can't understand why he would feel the need to tell you that anyone flirted with him or vice versa. It seems kind of contrived, perhaps to spark feelings of insecurity/jealousy in you.

 

Talking to women in bars in and of itself is not bad. It's how he's choosing to frame it to you that's unnecessary and pointless.

[Batya33]

I agree that it doesn't sound as though you trust him, regardless of the nature of the relationship. I would also agree that there seems to be an excessive amount of time spent in bars, because otherwise how would this even be an issue? Finally, I can't understand why he would feel the need to tell you that anyone flirted with him or vice versa. It seems kind of contrived, perhaps to spark feelings of insecurity/jealousy in you.

 

Talking to women in bars in and of itself is not bad. It's how he's choosing to frame it to you that's unnecessary and pointless.

 

Great insights. I will maybe slightly disagree because I think if you want some form of "open" relationship where you also flirt with women in front of him then it's going to be more complicated to explain to him where the boundaries are. Figure that out for yourself first - if you had a traditional relationship there would be many guidelines as I'm sure you'll see in other threads on this issue - but since you've decided to put some toes or a whole foot into open relationship territory you need to get clarity on what's ok and what's not, then tell him that as directly and clearly as possible and see if he thinks it is fair. I assume the upsides of the type of arrangement you have are worth the downside of the complications. It sounds like it is since you enjoy flirting with other women, and going to strip clubs and you are having fun with this person in general.

[lavenderdove]

People can form any type of relationship they want if both people agree to it... What exactly about the 'talking with women' part bothers you? Are you afraid he'll start cheating? Do you feel like you're not 'special' if he's flirting with others? Are you afraid another woman will attract him more eventually and he'll leave? Do you feel inadequate or jealous when he describes these other women? I think you need to really analyze WHY this bothers you, and whether you think you two can work out an arrangement that works for both of you.

 

Personally, i don't want to hear how some other woman is really 'after' my guy. Maybe that strokes his ego, but it makes me feel insecure and like he wants his life to be a constant competition between me and other women where he enjoys being the center of everyone's attention. I am not a jealous person at all and believe in lots of personal freedom, but i don't want my partner chasing after other women or in bed with other women, whether I'm around or not. Those are just my boundaries, and you need to really decide what yours are and then try to negotiate with him to get them.

 

The simplest way to handle this is to tell him WHY it makes you uncomfortable, and then either come to an agreement he won't DO it anymore, or else he won't TALK about it anymore (i.e., is it OK to flirt but you don't want to hear about it, or is it not OK for him to flirt?) What you ask for from him would depend on why it bothers you. And if you truly don't trust him, then that may be a big problem if you think he's someone who will never settle down with one women or needs lots of attention from other women to be happy.

 

But honestly too, i don't see why you'd be jealous if he randomly flirts with this women or that woman if you also are OK with strippers or 3somes. If he's just talking, then he's not doing anything wrong when your sexual boundaries are quite open otherwise.

[tiredofvampires]

I kind of feel like, if anything WAS going on with these women, he wouldn't tell me about it. But he'll tell me that he talks to women to try to set them up with his brother, or his friends.

 

If you think he is capable of doing something with these women, and wouldn't tell you, then there is a problem here. It could be because you're sensing he is untrustworthy, or because you are projecting your past relationship betrayals onto him. Not enough is known in this post to say which is the case.

 

That part in bold though would raise some trust issues for me. I would not hold his flirtations against him, especially given that you've known he's always been like this, and that you flirt while together. I would not ask him to morph into a different person when not in my presence. However, I would want him to own up to what he's doing and not create some pretext for the behavior. It seems that he's making just such a false pretext and that would anger me and make me suspicious (unless you know he has in fact set these women up with friends and his brother.)

[lavenderdove]

>>But he'll tell me that he talks to women to try to set them up with his brother, or his friends.

 

Yes, i agree that part makes me a bit suspicious because it is stretching it as a 'reason' for it. What, are his brother and friends totally incompetents and can't chat up women themselves? And how does HIM chatting up women benefit THEM when the women start chatting because they are interested in the person they are talking to an NOT some bait and switch to be steered to other guys that may not attract them at all.

 

I frankly don't know any guys who take girl's phone numbers in an altruistic attempt to turn around and hand them to somebody else! Most men stay as far away from any kind of matchmaking as they can get!

 

If he had said something like, 'sorry, i didn't know it bothered you... i'm just out drinking and having fun and talking to whomever and flirting a bit but am not taking numbers or seeing them again.' That i might have believed.

 

But i think he is spinning an excuse to cover his strong desire to flirt and be around other women... as you said, he's a flirt and does it because he LIKES it and for no other reason. What you need to investigate is whether he just likes the flirting and walks away with no further contactd, or whether he is taking names and numbers and might follow up with a rendezvous of his own later. If he says he is meeting them for his brother's sake, then that definitely means he is also taking numbers so that makes me a bit suspicious of what he is doing there and whether he is telling the truth about his motivation.

[sandrawg]

Thanks so much for all the well-thought-out advice.

 

It seems like I have a lot to think about. Frankly, the "setting up my friends/brother with women" sounds disingenuous to me, too, but oddly enough, my last ex would claim to do the same thing. Both my bf and my last ex are very sociable people-they'll talk to anyone, esp in bars and when they've had some social lubrication. My bf has told me that his flirting is something that caused problems between him and previous gfs. I'm not sure what to think, at this point.

 

His brother was actually WITH him, so I don't know about him getting numbers.

 

I have no idea how to go about finding out what he's really doing at the bar since I'm not there, and it seems like confronting him suggests distrust and might just make him angry. Any specific advice for how to handle that? If he says, he's just talking to girls, not flirting...I don't know what I can do, other than figure out if I can handle being with someone who still likes going to bars, or maybe consider finding someone who's not into that. I love him, but I don't want this to be a constant source of confusion and distrust.

[OptomisticGirl]

Thanks so much for all the well-thought-out advice.

 

It seems like I have a lot to think about. Frankly, the "setting up my friends/brother with women" sounds disingenuous to me, too, but oddly enough, my last ex would claim to do the same thing. Both my bf and my last ex are very sociable people-they'll talk to anyone, esp in bars and when they've had some social lubrication. My bf has told me that his flirting is something that caused problems between him and previous gfs. I'm not sure what to think, at this point.

 

His brother was actually WITH him, so I don't know about him getting numbers.

 

I have no idea how to go about finding out what he's really doing at the bar since I'm not there, and it seems like confronting him suggests distrust and might just make him angry.

 

I am a very socialable person in that I smile and talk to everyone I meet - it's EASILY misunderstood for being flirting. If I smile and say hi or laugh at something a man says, many have told me later they thought I was flirting and I was just being my sweet, charming, Southern self! Could this be your boyfriend?

 

Most men have a 'wing man' in that type of situation, a man whose more social to first interact with the girl and then go 'hey, this is my brother' etc. My husband use to be a friend's wing man but I never questioned what he was doing during his 'wingman' time.

[sandrawg]

It's possible..but when you're on the other side of things, and you've had a history of boyfriends lying to you and cheating on you, it can be confusing. You want to trust the person, and not let your baggage interfere, because truly, there may be nothing to worry about. If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat..whether or not he goes to bars. I guess I just have to take my chances, because I do love him and want to be with him.

 

I think, tho, that the next time this comes up and he says, he's talking to some girl "for a friend", I am going to bring up the points that many of you made. And tell him, I'm not comfortable if he's getting numbers or taking it to the next level.

 

I am a very socialable person in that I smile and talk to everyone I meet - it's EASILY misunderstood for being flirting. If I smile and say hi or laugh at something a man says, many have told me later they thought I was flirting and I was just being my sweet, charming, Southern self! Could this be your boyfriend?

 

Most men have a 'wing man' in that type of situation, a man whose more social to first interact with the girl and then go 'hey, this is my brother' etc. My husband use to be a friend's wing man but I never questioned what he was doing during his 'wingman' time.

[Alpine]

If you're feeling that you're not trusting him in these situations, then chances are he is doing things that you wouldn't like... personally for me, I would be upset if I knew that my boyfriend chatted up and flirted with girls in bars. If you're worried and it's making you uncomfortable (which it sounds like it is) you need to talk to him about it. I know it's hard to talk about these things but if it's really bothering you, you need to bring it up.

[Miss Firecracker]

I wouldn't date a man that hangs out in the bars a lot. There is a reason men do that.

[sandrawg]

Yeah..the reason my EX did, is because he's an alcoholic

 

I finally had to face that. My current bf is not one, but I see what you're getting at. I've been feeling lately like I'd like to spend LESS time in bars with him, and more time just hanging out, watching a movie, doing domestic type stuff. I think he got used to going to bars because his last gf was an LDR who never wanted to see him. So he'd go out to the bars with his friends on weekends, since his exgf was never around. Our rel'ship is different cuz..I live in the same city as he does, and actually WANT to see him and spend time with him. He's also ADHD and seems to need a lot of stimulus. My alcoholic ex was like that, too. I don't know why I ended up with 2 guys who have so many similarities..weird.

 

I wouldn't date a man that hangs out in the bars a lot. There is a reason men do that.

[Miss Firecracker]

I know some men that never date women they can actually be with, from other countries sometimes. That leaves them free to be barflies and gives them time to do whatever and still have that certain someone. Be careful with this guy. I don't trust him. I think we all tend to be attracted to a certain type over and over...like we re hard-wired that way I guess. It's sad sometimes too. Maybe you can talk yourself out of that somehow?

[DrKitten]

My boyfriend and I usually go to bars together. We are both beer enthusiasts and primarily go out for a fresh brew on tap. If I'm not available, he sometimes goes with one or two friends. I trust him completely though, and any talking with women he does I'm sure is just friendly and polite. He is never out late, not very flirty, doesn't drink too much, and always tells me what he's up to, which I appreciate. It's easy to trust him because he's communicative and follows through on what he says. I wouldn't really settle for less, personally.

[sandrawg]

My bf tells me after the fact what happened when he's out without me. But he also admits that he gets drunk. I mean, I've never seen him lose control while drunk, so I'm not TOO worried he's going to do somethign impulsive and, for ex., cheat on me. He just told me tonight, he has no interest in trying to find anyone else. So I guess I have to trust him.

 

We also, though, had a conversation about the amount of time we spend together. We live about half an hour or so away from each other.

 

In the first couple months we started dating, he was comign to my place a lot. He lives with his parents, so I go see him, but we can't spend the night together or get intimate. It's better for him to come to my place, so we have privacy. In the last month or so, tho, he hasn't been able to see me as much..his brother was in town for the holidays. Well, now he's told me about this group of friends where he lives whom I wasn't even aware of that he wants to spend more time with, near his house. Now, suddenly he seems like he wants to spend 1 weekend night with THEM. And..they like to go to bars. We had a little tension over it tonight, because I said, if this becomes an every weekend kind of thing, I'm going to have a problem with it. I also told him, if he doesn't introduce me to them, that will also be a problem.

 

He's also starting online classes, which is going to tie up a lot of his time.

 

Ugh, I feel like we're suddenly not going in a very good direction.

 

My boyfriend and I usually go to bars together. We are both beer enthusiasts and primarily go out for a fresh brew on tap. If I'm not available, he sometimes goes with one or two friends. I trust him completely though, and any talking with women he does I'm sure is just friendly and polite. He is never out late, not very flirty, doesn't drink too much, and always tells me what he's up to, which I appreciate. It's easy to trust him because he's communicative and follows through on what he says. I wouldn't really settle for less, personally.

[sandrawg]

I realized what's really bothering me about my conversation with him tonight. We've been dating for about 3 months now, and he's barely spoken about any of these people who are all so suddenly important that he needs to take weekend nights away from me to be with them. And apparently, the only thing he can do with these people is go to the bar (without me, I might add).

 

I wonder if the whole going to the bar without me is what this is really about.

 

He brought up me needing space and time to be with MY friends...well, yeah, but I can see them during the week..it's not always about going to the bar with MY friends.

 

I wonder, if he knew I was going to the bar with my single friends and chatting up men who were clearly interested in me (and getting drunk in this environment), if he'd be all that comfortable.

 

I think he's used to an absentee relationship where yeah, someone pointed out, he gets the best of both worlds. He gets to say he has a girlfriend, but he could also go out as much as he liked, like a single person.

[sandrawg]

I think the key difference here is you say "If I'm not available." In our case, it's not about me being unavailable. It's become about "I need time with my friends without you" on his part. And that time happens to be, going to bars, getting drunk, with friends I barely know or don't know at all.

 

My boyfriend and I usually go to bars together. We are both beer enthusiasts and primarily go out for a fresh brew on tap. If I'm not available, he sometimes goes with one or two friends. I trust him completely though, and any talking with women he does I'm sure is just friendly and polite. He is never out late, not very flirty, doesn't drink too much, and always tells me what he's up to, which I appreciate. It's easy to trust him because he's communicative and follows through on what he says. I wouldn't really settle for less, personally.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think the key difference here is you say "If I'm not available." In our case, it's not about me being unavailable. It's become about "I need time with my friends without you" on his part. And that time happens to be, going to bars, getting drunk, with friends I barely know or don't know at all.

 

And that he doesn't want you to know.

[sandrawg]

I dunno about that. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt here. I am trying to deal w the fact that I have trouble trusting people, because I've been lied to so much in my past relationships. I don't want to inflict that baggage on him. I did tell him that I want to meet these people and he said he would introduce me to them.

 

And that he doesn't want you to know.

[sandrawg]

I love this guy a lot and want to trust him. I'm trying to figure out some compromise. Maybe if i said I'm ok w him spending 1 wknd a month doing his own thing. His choice which weekend. And maybe a Fri/Sat on one of the other weekends as well. Then I would just have to try to get over the fact that I'm uncomfortable w the bar going. He already knows my ground rules about his interactions with women there..

[Miss Firecracker]

I love this guy a lot and want to trust him. I'm trying to figure out some compromise. Maybe if i said I'm ok w him spending 1 wknd a month doing his own thing. His choice which weekend. And maybe a Fri/Sat on one of the other weekends as well. Then I would just have to try to get over the fact that I'm uncomfortable w the bar going. He already knows my ground rules about his interactions with women there..

 

sandrawg, I don't think that will help. He will feel very trapped if you tell him he gets only once each month. I think just see what he chooses and decide if you can live with it.

[Stay_home]

The constant hanging around bars, flirting and chatting up with different women is a flag. Certainly doesn't sound as if you trust him and with everything you stated, unless he's willing to change, why should you?