Is my snooping wrong? Please put me in check ASAP [long]

[dakadave]

Background:

 

-6 Months ago my girlfriend cheated on me we've been together for over 4 years at this point.

 

I really do wish I had found out by her coming to me clean, but unfortunately I found out from investigation and interrogation.

 

It was a few days before her birthday and I stole her cell phone to call up some people on her cell list of friends that I might have missed for a surprise birthday party. Found some text messages that related a story about her hooking up with another girls ex boyfriend. The txt messages were some what angry torts between my girlfriend and the guy she cheated on me with ex girlfriend. Then I get this indescribable sick feeling in my gut that feels like its ripping out my soul deep down inside to the point where I just want to vomit. She wouldn't cheat on me, she loves me....

 

I paniced when i saw the text message and did the following:

-Called the number of the ex girlfriend

-Confirmed that my girlfriend had been seeing this guy

Then i proceeded to call up my girlfriends best friend who is also a friend of mine and drilled her for some information, went home used some illegal computer skills to get passwords to emails and her telephone activity and basically found that there were a few lude emails between the two, and a ton of telephone activity. [1 billing period 200 minutes between this guy and my girlfriend: To give you an estimate me and my girlfriend talk maybe 200-300 minutes a billing period on our cell phones (which by the way i pay for)]

 

 

I ended up confronting my girlfriend and we fought for a day straight, lots of door slamming etc, and in the end I decided for myself that I felt the relationship was worth saving, and forgave her for her indescretions, however I still have not forgotten.

 

Fastforward to semi-present...

 

She use to let me answer he cell phone when it rang, check her text mssages for jokes (from servers) etc, but recently she's been acting really weird (past month) and getting upset when i try to answer her phone, and i do manage to go for it when its just lying on the table, she'll snatch it out of my hands.

 

3 days ago I over hear her conversation with this friend she has named Joe [i've never met him] and they hang out a lot from what I know of and I have no problems with this until....the end of the conversations ends with a whispered love ya. (Ok no real problem here b/c I say love ya to my girls that are strictly friends) except the wounds from past seemed to be reopened when I heard that.

 

Yesterday day night I went to the supermarket for some dinner and left my wallet behind. She forgot her purse in my car and I went looking for her wallet to borrow some cash and found her cell phone. It bleeped which responded for an unread text message, so I SNOOPED AND I ADMIT IT and I felt wrong about it during the process until i read

 

"Thinking about you and your smile cutie good night" -Joe

 

I'm f'ing sorry but I don't think this is the kind of appropriate text to send to "a friend" So i storm into the house and confront her about it (we live together now) she exclaims (without hesitation or stammering) that he never text's her that kinda stuff and he is probably drunk or something and that he calls all his friends that are girls cutie.

 

I leave it at that for the night pretty much and try and take her word for it. Then I get the same indescribable sick feeling in my gut, the exact same one that I got 6 months ago. I want to believe she isn't cheating on me, I want to believe that I'm not a fool and that she is being totally and completely honest.

 

Fast forward to today.

 

So I go online and check our Cell phone accounts (we don't have a home line installed yet [btw did i mention we live together and have for hte past 2 yrs]) to make sure we're not going over our minutes too far. Then i remembered I can check recent phone activity....I break down and SNOOP, YES I'm a GRADE A snoop!!!!!!!! I was praying as the screen was loading that I wouldn't find anything weird looking

 

Screwed again ....

I see this telephone number X that has 4 connectoins yesterday 3 day before that, and a bunch everday before that....

 

I check the text message log 1/3 of all the text messages she's received recently are from that same number.

 

So i wake her up and ask her what this number is...

She pauses ever so slightly and starts questioning why i wanna know...

So I blatantly lie and tell her some bs excuse

She says she thinks its her bestfriends numbers (which I have so i know she is lying)

 

So I ask her why she talks to "Joe" so much because I know from the logs that Has to be his number. She says they're just friends and gets into a rage about how I snooped and she feels her privacy has been violated.

 

In the fight some how I lost control and she managed to flip the script on me. G'damn i hate it when that happens and basically railed me making me feel bad for "not being able to trust her" and that "I couldn't just take her word for it and I had to do my "detective" work. Sadly it worked, deep down I am pretty sure he is just a friend, but when I got that sick feeling deep down I just couldn't ignore it.

 

I tried my best to appologize for being a snoop and having so little faith in her, but truth is, I don't have that much trust for her right now (though we are working on rebuilding it and its been going well).

 

I feel aweful for snooping, and not being able to enstill that much trust into her. She says she understands the way I feel, but when I ask her point blank is she cheating on me she says no... and i can somewhat believe her, but when I ask her if she blieves that this guy likes her more then a friend she says no...and I just can't believe that.

 

 

So here I am writing this post, she is mad at me for invading her privacy, not believing her when she says they're just friends (which deep down I want to believe but am having a hard time in doing so). I feel terrible for snooping (i know its not right, but can it be justifiable?), and she still hasn't earned my all my trust yet but somehow she's managed to flip the script on me in that aspect and during our fight made me feel terrible ...

 

O well, sorry for the long post, if anyone has read this far thanks and have a good one... I'll be sure to post a follow-up after we attempt to work this out.

[bzborow1]

Firstly I can understand where the urge to snoop for evidence comes. When stuff like this happens many of us lose are rational thought process. However I think the lengths you've gone to keep this girl in check are getting to be quite outrageous....you crossed the line here buddy.

 

That said, the issue here is the relationship, and honestly I don't think it's going anywhere. You have some self confidence issues and she clearly has some issues with cheating. I think the evidence suggests she's cheating...but you can't know "for sure". I think the number one think you should ask yourself, "Is it really worth it?" I mean you're spending all your time babysitting her....wut for?!?!?

[hurtabandoned]

I swear that's my same story.

 

My husband cheated on me a few months ago. He would hover over his cell phone too. He was turning his ringer off when he was home so his calls would go to voice mail. He worked third shift and when he came home he would take the phone to the bedroom. It was suspicious so I nabbed it while he slept and found another womans name in the phone book.

 

I called the number and talked to a relative of the girl. She thought he was divorced. I thought that had ended it but it continued. I was suspicious and asked him about it. He got defensive and was oh-so offended that I didn't believe him. He too, would flip it around and the argument always shifted to something else that I was at fault for - anything at all that diverted attention away from himself. And the lies just kept coming. It only ended when I found out where the girl worked and I told her to leave my family alone.

 

Go with your gut. I had that same sick, nagging feeling that something wasn't right. Don't feel bad about snooping. She's giving you reasons to. If there's something going on you need to know. Not only do you need to know this so you can figure out what you want to do about this relationship but the cheating can also put your health at risk.

 

Don't believe the lies. My husband poured them on pretty thick. I know that you want to believe in her and that's what she's counting on. Beware of someone who is defensive and shifts the blame. What she's really frustrated about is getting caught and being put on the spot.

[chai714]

Dakadave,

Your snooping is justified. However, it's not going to do much good for your relationship. You simply can't trust her now. In other words, you have an issue with her, which will keep recurring unless you guys either have a long talk and build back trust (which can only happen over time) or see a professional. Recurring issues such as mistrust can easily destroy a relationship, as you probably now know. In an ideal relationship, you should not have to snoop, and she should not have to lie. If you really want to save what you have, deal with these issues. While snooping may uncover lies and deception, dealing with the issues head-on is more productive.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Brother, brother, brother.......I feel for ya bro!

 

Whether they are just friends or not, it's not right for her to be spending so much time talking to good ole 'Joe'.

 

Like many guys, if good ole 'Joe' sees any sort of opening or situation he can take advantage of, I betcha he'll be all over your woman like white on rice.

 

Good ole Joe needs to find his Own Woman and YOU my friend need to show your woman who Wears the Pants in the family......Lay down the groud rules:

 

No Male Friends. If she can't accept that, then tell her not to hit her head as you're kicking her out Da Door.

[squarepeg]

I dont think having no male friends is the answer..but I do think that setting some relationship boundries are important here. She broke some serious rules by cheating on you, and by showing only a defensive behavior, it puts you more at edge and it becomes a downward spiral

 

Obviously you think someone messaging your GF and calling them cutie is offensive..as you should. Most people would not feel comfortable with a person calling there partner a pet name in such a manner. But you do mention that you yourself say love yah to girl friends. Perhaps there should be an evaulation of what you concider appropriate behavior for both parties. I think of my father, and if he called any other woman 'cutie' in front of my mother..well let me say he wouldnt hear the end of it. Personally I believe those are respectful boundaries, that people show and allow to exsists in a relationship, in order to make the other person feel happy.

 

What I think you need to do here is sit down and figure out what boundaries would make you feel comfortable..these rules would apply to you as well. Do you call a girl friend several times a day and not think anything of it? Do you call your girl friends sweetie or cutie or say love yah? Is this something you would be willing to give up, and have her give up, in order to make things easier on both of you?

 

Another thing I think you should do is hang out with your girlfriend around Joe. See how they respond to each other, and show her affection openly while in his presense. If there are any issues there, with body lanuage or how she behaves, then you have some heavy talking to do.

 

I dont think that gnawing gut feeling can be concidered an exact science as to figure out if a partner is cheating. I have had people cheat on me and I had no clue. I think in your case, your history with her is casting a shadow on anything she does now, and until you sort that history out, it will forever haunt your future.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[shes2smart]

Is it wrong? Yeah, probably.

 

Was it justified? With the details you've supplied, I'd say yes.

 

Found myself in a similar situation 4 or 5 yrs. ago with an ex, only it was his computer I'd snoop through. I felt horrible afterwards, but every time I found some new piece of evidence pointing to infidelity. When confronted, he, too would go off about me "invading his privacy." He always tried to turn the situation around on me and make it entirely my fault -- I was too insecure, jealous, nosy or whatever the accusation du jour was. Not once would he ever take any responsibility for his actions -- if he hadn't been fooling around and hiding stuff, I never would've felt the need to go looking in the first place. I've since realized that if a person has nothing to hide, they're not going to trot out the "you're invading my privacy" argument with quite the amount of gusto that a person with something to hide would.

 

Example: If my husband was snooping around in my journal or my e-mail, it wouldn't be a big deal to me. He already knows pretty much what's there...maybe not the minute details, but there are no nasty surprises lurking in wait. I feel no need to go through his stuff because I don't have the feeling he's hiding anything from me...I ALWAYS had that feeling with my ex...and every time, I was right.

 

Did I read correctly that you are paying for her cell phone? If I were you, I'd cut that off immediately. Frankly, I see that as a privilege and she's abusing it.

 

In the end, you sound like you don't trust her. Once that kind of trust is broken, it is extremely difficult -- if not impossible to repair. When I was going through the crap with my ex's computer, a guy friend of mine (who has known me for over 10 years) said one thing and one thing only:

 

No trust, no relationship.

 

4 simple little words (3 if you don't count the repeated "no") but there is so much basic truth there.

[Serendipity1607307077]

Two words - GET OUT.

 

You don't deserve to be treated like this.

 

Whilst I must say that it is wrong to snoop, sometimes it is necessary, especially seeing that if you have suspicions about your partner cheating, and they won't admit it, at least investigation can confirm whether or not you are wrong or right.

 

In my humble opinion... end this relationship. There are plenty of girls out there who don't cheat, and who are willing to give everything they have to make sure that you are happy....

 

It might hurt, but imagine the life of suffering that you are living now and will continue to live ifyou do not end this relationship!

[tweeda]

Cheating does not necessarily mean sleeping with someone or kissing someone. If she is emotionally involved with someone else whether it is by text messaging, email or phone calls it is cheating. As you wrote this woman has a history of cheating. Had you not snooped and caught her she would most surely have gone all the way. Consider it she has.

Unless you make a drastic change in this relationship you are bound for a major heartache.

[das420]

Your snooping is justified. I did my homework on my then ex now gf when she was messing around on me. At the time the script was flipped on me too. With the you don't trust me, you violated my privacy..blah blah. The real reason she was so mad was because I'm a damn good detective with my computer/phone skills and I had her caught and she couldn't stand it. She admitted later that she tried made it look like i was crazy, but really she was scared because I had her nailed and she knew it. Its amazing how people who are CHEATING or thinking about it get really mad when you catch them. The only reason mine got a second chance was because she alomst drove herself crazy with guilt, and she came clean after a while.

 

GO WITH YOUR GUT. If you Snoop and find something you shouldn't GOOD JOB. Relationships aren't supposed to have secrets IMO Give her a chance to fess up, if she doesn't dump her

[Hoss]

I totally understand about snooping, you are looking for an answer. Not to be harsh, you know the answer but you do not want to accept it.

 

I am just getting out of a similar situation. I was dumped in May after a four year relationship. I was told that the reason was that she was holding me back because of our age difference (she is 13 years older) and that she could not have children. She was holding me back and in turn that held her back. Turned out that there was another guy. I heard rumors and some friends confirmed some things for me. I still did not want to accept it. I confronted her asking for her just to be truthful with me because the not knowing the truth was killing me. She said that they were just friends. She also said that she still loved me, but we could not be together. The same week that we had a talk about getting together to "just have sex" (please never do that) the other guy called me. He wanted to know if I had been in a relationship with her because he had heard things about me. This other guy had confronted her about me, and yes the answer was "we are just friends." I found out the real truth from the other guy, ironic. She was playing us both. He wins, because I do not want her. To tell the truth, the loss of my friendship with her hurts worse than the infidelity. I love her, but I can never forgive her.

 

Anyway, my long winded point is that you know the answer. So, you have to decide what you want. Quit snooping, it is just wasting your time and making you feel worse. I wish you luck.

[cher17]

I think its ok for you to do it. I do it everyday. I feel guilty sometimes, but I tell myself that I would never have started snooping if he doesn't cheat.

[the iguana]

Firstly I can understand where the urge to snoop for evidence comes. When stuff like this happens many of us lose are rational thought process. However I think the lengths you've gone to keep this girl in check are getting to be quite outrageous....you crossed the line here buddy.

 

That said, the issue here is the relationship, and honestly I don't think it's going anywhere. You have some self confidence issues and she clearly has some issues with cheating. I think the evidence suggests she's cheating...but you can't know "for sure". I think the number one think you should ask yourself, "Is it really worth it?" I mean you're spending all your time babysitting her....wut for?!?!?

 

First of all, if she's living with him and he's paying the cell phone bill, well, basically they're married and she should be open in that sorta relationship. I dunno, i could care less if you want to be 'private' if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fnucking hide, so show your 'love' that you have nothing to hide. If you want privacy, tell the lamer girl to get her own flat and pay her own cell. My parents tell me that as long as i live under their roof, their car, their phones, i abide by the open door policy. Its fair. Same thing with this girl, she lives under your roof, and especially your phone, so open it must stay!

 

My girlfriend and i have this problem. We dont' live together, she's in school (dorming) and i go to another school (commute) but whenever i'm together with her she tries to sneak glimpses of who i've been trying to talk to in my cell, and when i do the same to hers, she slaps it away from me. So i slap mine out of her hands. Quid pro quo, beotch, tit for tat. And oddly everytime i sneak a peak,theres nothing 'sneaky' on her phone. Why be that way, i don't get it, its not like she grew up abused or anything?

 

Continuing: She won't let me go on her laptop, won't let me check out her homework pages, won't let me go in her room. All because she 'wants me to pay attention to her.' However that rule changes (well, she changes it, i fight it) when its my stuff. Her trying to sneak a few minutes on my laptop if i go pee, or looking in my lyric notebook among other scattered mediums around my room/house. When i return, she does that 'quick cover-up' dance. Haha. And usually i say 'so been looking through my stuff? did you find (random girl's name) phone number? keep looking it may be in another piece of paper in here somewhere"

 

see. THATS privacy violation. We don't live together. She violates my privacy, and gets pissed when i violate hers.

[thespianElly]

Seeing as I am going through a very similar situation (minus the living together part) I figured I'll add my bit as well...

 

First off, I think just snooping in itself is a bad sign in a relationship because it shows that you don't trust your significant other and that really isn't healthy. Nonetheless, there are times when it truly is the last resort after questioning and interrogating leaves you nothing more than drained and confused. I've done it myself so I'm not one to talk but I certainly haven't done it ever before and felt it necessary this time around because instincts were practically pushing me to those transcripts.

 

You have to trust your gut and if something doesn't seem right you're probably right. There's a reason we have suspision and I think it's all the little red flags that flash in front of us every time we comes accross something questionable. Your girlfriend should not be receiving text messages from a "friend" with that kind of inappropriate content in it. "Friends" don't usually address one another in that fashion and expecially not when it's your gf and some random guy.

 

When I think of it, relationships can be tough or trying but they shouldn't be a constant source of agony and acid reflex! To be always questioning, or sick with worry or doubts is not healthy and is a way of your body letting you know that this isn't healthy.

 

Trust and love yourself first and ponder plenty over the fact of if it's worth being drained at the end of everyday?

 

Best of luck.