Friends of the opposite sex. Really? Friends?

[LDRohnos]

I'm sure this question has popped up on numerous occasions and it was actually a bit of an argument I had with one of my co-workers at lunch today.

 

Two friends that are completely single, so there's no ethical or moral dilemmas here.

 

She insisted that men and women can be strictly platonic friends and I on the other hand completely disagreed with her. Any red blooded man I have ever known (including myself) if given the opportunity would turn a platonic relationship with into a physical one with a woman he found attractive...if she wanted it to. Especially if she was attractive.

 

I gave her an example (she has many male friends and she's very attractive) and asked her how many of those guys ended up liking her at some point. She admitted that at least half of them at one point or another expressed interest in something more. The only thing that kept them "friends" was the fact that she didn't want anything more. Is that a friendship? Or a one sided friendship that the dude failed on taking out of the friend zone? You decide. The other half probably didn't have the

 

Guys generally don't say anything to female friends but it's crossed their minds probably more times than they've ever had a chance to admit to turn that "friendship" into something more....fulfilling. The only thing that holds them back is that the women generally value the friendship more than the potential sexual relationship that could come from it.

 

Maybe when I completely lose my libido or if I turn homosexual one day my opinion on this might change, but it confuses me to heck and back why women generally think that most guys talk to them because they want a friendship with them. In my opinion and by what I've seen...it's almost never the case.

 

At best the guy might give it a shot, then maintain a "friendship" just in case the door of opportunity opens itself again.

 

Agree/Disagree/Rotten Tomatoes?

[SapphireNoir10]

I have male friends who've never 'tried it on' and lots that did.

 

I think men and women can be platonic friends, you have men and women who are like brother and sisters they are so close,

[LDRohnos]

I have male friends who've never 'tried it on' and lots that did.

 

I think men and women can be platonic friends, you have men and women who are like brother and sisters they are so close,

 

I really didn't mean friends that you've known since you are two years old. More in the facet of people you meet after adulthood.

[SapphireNoir10]

Hehehe, I have a couple of guy mates that can admit i'm attractive but they see me too much like a sister too make a move. I think of course guys and girls can be just friends, especially if theres no attraction.

[SapphireNoir10]

I know but I have guy mates I met through college/work etc who are literally just friends and totally respectful. Even when i've been single they don't make a move. But then I've had lots of guy mates try it on/be innapropriate or try and get me to cheat on my bf with them. Then they are not my friends anymore.

[Firiel]

I believe men and women can be totally platonic friends. I think when two people of the opposite sex (who are single) start forming a friendship, there will likely be at least a passing consideration about if you are romantically attracted to the other. But I think it's entirely possible for that answer to be, "No, I'm really not" on both sides.

 

I've had a good male friend since I started college. He and I have been really quite close at times, and I've never felt that he's wanted more than just friendship with me. He's never said anything about wanting more either, and I really believe that we are just friends. My husband has female friends he sees as nothing more than friends as well... and they see him as just a good person (gender aside) who is kind and easy to talk to.

[OptomisticGirl]

It's different for everyone. I have platnoic friendships with my male friends. I was a huge tomboy growing up so I actually make guy friends easier than I do girlfriends - and actually I have more guy friends than I do girl friends. My ex's best friend being one. I actually introduced him to my best friend at the time that is now his wife - never has he tried to make a move on me.

 

Now the whole 'if you find them attractive' part of your theory COULD come under fire that you are only friends with this woman because she's attractive and you want to bonk her. It can also be said from that if you have a female friend who you don't find attractive then yes, you are platonic friends with a woman so it can happen. Unless you only have female friends who you find attractive but then one could question are you REALLY friends with them or is it a ruse to get in their panties?

[In the Dark]

Hehehe, I have a couple of guy mates that can admit i'm attractive but they see me too much like a sister too make a move. I think of course guys and girls can be just friends, especially if theres no attraction.

 

I can vouch for this being true as I have done it myself.

Sure you can say a female friend is attractive but due to situations and how I know them, I can not see as more than a sister.

 

Or maybe I'm not a red blooded male.

[OptomisticGirl]

I can vouch for this being true as I have done it myself.

Sure you can say a female friend is attractive but due to situations and how I know them, I can not see as more than a sister.

 

Or maybe I'm not a red blooded male.

 

I view it the same way I view looking at other people while in a relationship - I can find a male friend attractive but that doesn't equate to I want to throw you on the bed and ravish you.

[Thorshammer]

I agree if the man finds her attractive.

 

I will be real, if i try and you reject me, i dont want to be your friend, lol. I dont care how funny you find me or i find you, i dont need you as a friend, actually... i dont need new friends. Note, when i say friend, i mean calling me all the time, messaging me, hanging out, etc. I can keep you as someone i know here and there, but i wont take it that far to be an actual "friend".

 

I had a lot of friends who I wanted to be with. We just didnt take that step because i got with the first girl that showed the most interest at that time.

[LDRohnos]

Yeah, I think attraction has a lot to do with it. I can certainly see myself being friends with a woman I was completely not attracted to in any way.

 

My frame of mind was one of a man/woman you did find attractive. I agree that it's more realistic to find someone you found unattractive and befriend them on a purely platonic level.

 

I also find that in most men, that level is much more broad and flexible than it is for most women.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yeah, I think attraction has a lot to do with it. I can certainly see myself being friends with a woman I was completely not attracted to in any way.

 

My frame of mind was one of a man/woman you did find attractive. I agree that it's more realistic to find someone you found unattractive and befriend them on a purely platonic level.

 

I also find that in most men, that level is much more broad and flexible than it is for most women.

 

My answer is still I can find a friend attractive but that doesn't mean I want to screw him. But I think this also goes for your bounadries on sex. I never would have sex outside their being romantic feelings - and therefore a relationship - so to me unless I'm in a relationship with you (as in none platnoic) I have no sexual feelings for you. I can find you a nice specimen of a man and admire that but no desire whatsoever to have sex.

[Firiel]

My answer is still I can find a friend attractive but that doesn't mean I want to screw him. But I think this also goes for your bounadries on sex. I never would have sex outside their being romantic feelings - and therefore a relationship - so to me unless I'm in a relationship with you (as in none platnoic) I have no sexual feelings for you. I can find you a nice specimen of a man and admire that but no desire whatsoever to have sex.

 

I agree with this. For some people, someone they look at and think, "Hmmm... attractive," is someone that person wants to have sex with. For those, it would be hard to have a platonic relationship with someone they find attractive. Personally, I can look at guys and find them attractive but not be attracted to them, if you know what I mean.

[FathomFear]

Agree/Disagree/Rotten Tomatoes?

 

I've always found it strange why this question continuously pops up--"Can men and women be friends?" yet no one questions whether two gay men or two lesbians be friends, for example. I think much of this stems back to our very early upbrining and playground dynamics. ie, prior to puberty boys generally only hung out with boys, and girls only hung out with girls. The only factor that changes this is sexual attraction, we're lead to believe. If you don't buy into that assumption then I suspect you'll be able to appreciate that two people can be friends regardless of whether or not they also have the capacity to be find each other sexually inviting.

[FathomFear]

My answer is still I can find a friend attractive but that doesn't mean I want to screw him.

 

Right. I'm not sure I buy the argument that the very presence of sexual attraction somehow corrupts the intent of any potential friendship. I just don't think that's solid reasoning. I mean, I know straight guys IRL and hot gay guys IRL whom I find very attractive, but it doesn't get in the way of my ability to be friends with them. Honestly, I find it nothing more than a sort of "added bonus" that they're hot. It's like having a friend who also just happens to be eye candy. The eye candy part of it doesn't necessarily corrupt the core of the friendship. Now, I'm sure it could if I let it--by in no way do I see that as some sort of inevitability. I don't regard friends as just pieces of meat, nor do I want that in return.

[OptomisticGirl]

Right. I'm not sure I buy the argument that the very presence of sexual attraction somehow corrupts the intent of any potential friendship. I just don't think that's solid reasoning. I mean, I know straight guys IRL and hot gay guys IRL whom I find very attractive, but it doesn't get in the way of my ability to be friends with them. Honestly, I find it nothing more than a sort of "added bonus" that they're hot. It's like having a friend who also just happens to be eye candy. The eye candy part of it doesn't necessarily corrupt the core of the friendship. Now, I'm sure it could if I let it--by in no way do I see that as some sort of inevitability. I don't regard friends as just pieces of meat, nor do I want that in return.

 

Exactly. If you find someone hot and then try to make a move when the opportunity allows, is that really friendship? Maybe to some I guess. I know for me my friendships don't run like that.

[tiredofvampires]

I would feel incredibly limited if, as a rule, my male friends had to meet a bar of unattractiveness to be my friend.

[Fudgie]

My answer is still I can find a friend attractive but that doesn't mean I want to screw him. But I think this also goes for your bounadries on sex. I never would have sex outside their being romantic feelings - and therefore a relationship - so to me unless I'm in a relationship with you (as in none platnoic) I have no sexual feelings for you. I can find you a nice specimen of a man and admire that but no desire whatsoever to have sex.

 

Agree with this. There are many people I consider attractive but I don't actually want to have SEX with them. I just think they look great and find them appealing. That doesn't mean I'd jump their bones at the first chance...because I wouldn't.

 

I think men and women can be friends only if they don't like/want each other in that way. As soon as one or both parties has romantic feelings (different than finding them attractive!!) then it's no longer a true friendship and things get awkward.

[WockaWocka]

I'm a woman who enjoys having platonic male friends, but I've noticed that it has gotten more difficult now that I'm older. So many male friends are married and their wives seem to get a bit possessive of their time and attention. Often they only want to socialize as a couple, and mostly just hang out with other couples. I feel weird if the husband has to keep our friendship a secret, I don't like participating in that.

 

The only platonic male friends I really hang out with nowadays are my gay male friends. Their partners are not the least bit threatened by me.

[PhilliesFan001]

I think it's a little sad and juvenile to assume men and women can't be platonic friends. In my experience, the only thing that makes it difficult are overly jealous, insecure boyfriends who assume every male friend is out to sleep with you.

[StrawberryYogurt]

It can happen but only if there's either no attraction on either side. You can find the other to be a good looking person, but not have physical attraction to them. I don't think opposite sex friends should hang out one on one barring limited circumstances if one of them is in a relationship though.

[bulletproof]

My male roommate and I are very close friends, and there's pretty much no desire on either part for us to date. We are both, in my opinion, reasonably physically attractive individuals, but that doesn't take into consideration all the other things that make someone want to date another person. We just don't feel that chemistry with each other. We have good talks, we laugh, etc., but if dating was based solely on these things plus physical attraction, we could just date any random person on the street. In fact, when he's getting on my nerves occasionally, I often think, I could never date you. And I'm sure he has the same thought about me when I'm being annoying.

 

I introduced him to his current girlfriend, and she is a very close friend of mine. I'm glad she doesn't hold this view of men and women not being able to be friends, because otherwise they never would have met.

[Liraele]

I think that maybe the difference is in what attracts us to one another - this is what leads to the difference in answer between men and women.

 

If a guy finds a girl attractive, funny, interesting - she's relationship material.

 

If a girl finds a guy attractive, funny, interesting - he may or may not be relationship material. Really depends on the quirks, for women, I think. We tend to have more "red flags" or "oh hell nos" when it comes to boyfriends - but when it comes to boy friends, those quirks aren't a problem as we'll never have to live with them 24/7.

 

Broad generalization, but you get the idea.

[Thorshammer]

Lol, i know so many girls that have close guy friends that they think are respectful and wouldnt try anything, yet when i get to know them... the truth comes out. They usually dont make a move because they know it wont go anywhere, but it doesnt mean the sexual attraction doesnt exist.

[FathomFear]

Lol, i know so many girls that have close guy friends that they think are respectful and wouldnt try anything, yet when i get to know them... the truth comes out. They usually dont make a move because they know it wont go anywhere, but it doesnt mean the sexual attraction doesnt exist.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with sexual attraction. Nothing wrong with being attracted to attractive people. I think the underlying assumption from the OP is that it's the only factor as to why guys are friends with women, as if were the sole reason why they interact at all-- "At best the guy might give it a shot, then maintain a "friendship" just in case the door of opportunity opens itself again." I personally don't buy it.

 

If you woke up tomorrow a complete asexual, are you suddenly going to lose all interest in having women as friends? Because really that's sort of what the OP is implying.