Please help me i am completely broken hearted

[Foz]

well this is the week we are supposed to meet up and to be honest im scared. Im scared he is going to say he made the right decision and it is well and truly over. And im scared because then that tiny bit of hope that was getting me through this is gone and i really will be on my own..

As i said i dont really think there is anything i can do or say to make this work out, the decision has to be his. Its like the future is in his hands and ive no control and im really terrified.

The past few weeks have been so hard, they all seem like a blur, it isnt only emotional pain but physical pain as well. the words gutted do really describe what it is like to have your heart broken..

No matter what i still love him and would take him back and the thought that he may not want me is shattering..of course there would have to be lots of dialogue, its not like i would take him back, let him move back in and never discuss this. But maybe he is not coming back...

I dont know how to feel, im so scared...

do you think the longer the time they have to think, the more sure they are about their decision or they should know whether they have made the right decision or not straight away??

so for example if you have a short break, say 4 weeks and get back together, it is more likely to break up than say if you have a 3 month break and get back together.

i dont know why im saying this cos he didnt say it was a break, he said it was over but then last week when he rang he said he was thinking and trying to sort his head out...so i think it is a break but.......

oh im confused and rambling now...

[Foz]

just got a text saying he wants to meet tonight, in complete state of panic now. i dont know what to do...or say..how do i act?? please advise??????

[zveric]

This is a tough one.

I would say only meet him if you feel ready. After my girlfriend left me, I'd go meet her whenever she asked. It was never a rewarding or productive experience, but it did answer a lot of questions I wish hadn't been answered.

 

If you feel ready to meet him, you should be prepared to walk out if he says anything you don't like. Really anything other than "I'm so sorry, and I hope you can forgive me."

 

It was incredibly painful talking to my Ex after we broke up, and for various reasons it was pretty impossible to maintain NC. It was like talking to her evil twin sister.

 

Good luck. Be strong, and let us know what happens.

[Foz]

well i dont know if im ready or not but to be honest i do want to know either way what is going on in his head. If he says that it is most definitely over then i can pick up the pieces and move on and stop with this glimmer of hope thing that i have been carrying around..

if he says he is still not sure well then i guess it has to be NC until he is sure.

And if he feels he has made a mistake well there is alot of repairing to be done...

i am so nervous, i just hope i can remain in control and not break down and cry...

[Mun]

He must be ready to tell you something or he would not be in such a hurry. Like you say you want some answers.

 

I would only tell you that if you are not ready to hear them then don't go. Tell him you have other plans and next week would be better for you. If you can handle anything that comes out of this, then don't give it another thought. Go and find out.

 

I hope you get what you want

[Foz]

Well he came over last night and he hadnt changed his mind about his decision. He stayed for 2 hours and well he still thinks he made the right decision at the moment. He again said if i feel i made the wrong decision that he would not be too proud to crawl back but he is viewing it from the standpoint that it is over and that i should view it from that stand point too.

He said i was a great person and i changed him and he loved living with me, that we had been through alot together but he had no fight left in him. he said he wasnt unhappy in the relationship and he didnt look back on it and go oh that was awful, he just looked forward and couldnt see..

i said i didnt give up on a relationship unless i was really unhappy and that i would have fought for it and obviously i was more sure about us than him and i believed in us more than him, that he would never know how much he hurt me and that i had never envisaged this happening. i told him it was going to be hard for me to readjust.

i went to a counsellor last night and she asked me where had it started to go wrong and i told her we had a bad patch last christmas in mexico but had got through it. she asked me what had led up to that, i told her i guess it had been me being let go from my job and not being able to get out of the holiday that we had booked at the last minute so we went. i was stressed on the holiday and we bickered alot and nearly split up but then we got through it, she then asked what led to the bickering in Athens and i told her i had a new job where i deal with victims of child abuse but ive no counselling for that and ive to take it home and deal with it myself and i guess that is what led to the bickering in athens.

Basically i put this to james that in times of great stress i had become short tempered because i dint know how to deal with it. he acknowledged this but i guess its too late now to go there. he said in athens he was in a state of disbelief that it seemed like the mexico scenario was hapening again and he just gave up.

he also said that maybe the timing was wrong that he doesnt want to get married for another 5 years and i wanted to get married sooner.

Anyway that is what happened, at least i know that there is no hope anymore and ive just got to accept his decision.

it is hard but i guess the shock and denial have gone and now there is just the floods of tears. i think the counselling will help, i think i need it not just because of him but also she pin pointed a big stress in my life which is work and i dont know how to deal with that.

My heart has been broken again but now i know i have to let go. i dont think being friends with him is going to help so i think i have to go back to NC..

When do the tears end???

[Foz]

Rang him just now because i just felt that he blamed me for the whole breakdown of the relationship and i just had an enormous sense of guilt that it was all my fault. he said that he did have a problem with my moods otherewise we would be together still and that he didnt have a problem with commitment, he just didnt think he wanted to marry me..talk about brutally honest...oh yeah he does feel guilty for walking away and leaving me like this...

 

now i feel like texting him and saying U2's One sums it all up for me and never contacting him again, right or wrong thing to do??

[zveric]

Wow. Your story is so much like mine.We weren't bickering, but we weren't really passionate either. We were were just very happy. I had no idea that she wasn't happy and no idea how to fix the problems we had.

I also was stressed by work. And thought she would always understand that I worked hard because I was trying to build a future and a home for us.

 

The crying will stop, although I still feel it coming on a lot. I kind of miss it.

You are doing so much better than I did. I fought and fought, and pleaded and talked, and promised and talked some more. everyone told me not to, but I was so scared.

 

Hve you heard the Johny Cash version of ONE? I hesitate to mention it, as it is, to me, achingly sad. If you haven't then give it a listen.

[angelsgal]

My heart has been broken again but now i know i have to let go. i dont think being friends with him is going to help so i think i have to go back to NC..

When do the tears end???

 

Foz,

I'm so sorry for all the heartache you are going through. We've all been through it and it's one of the hardest things to live through. Sometimes it seems as if you can never get through a day (or even an hour!) without crying. But eventually the tears will stop....maybe not today or tomorrow since the pain of the breakup is still fresh, but one day soon, you will not want to cry anymore.

 

I would definitely go back to doing NC. As for being friends with him? NO WAY! Not only will seeing him will be a constant reminder that you are no longer together, but you will have to deal with him telling you about his life. You need to focus on yourself right now without having to deal with talking to him. It's self preservation.

 

Keep coming back to these boards and post whenever you start feeling down. You will find a tremendous amount of support here and it helps. Hang in there.

 

Angel

[Foz]

i felt so awful after that stupid phone conversation that i rang him and said i was really hurt by his comments, he said he didnt really understand the conversation and didnt mean to cause any hurt. i said it was too raw to start laying blame and that it happened and we should leave it at that. that we had to be careful not to cause more hurt and end up hating each other. now for the sake of self preservation i have to go back to NC.

god when he left my house on tuesday night he gave me a hug and it just brought tears to my eyes because i miss that physical closeness, that feeling when someone hugs you or holds your hand while walking down the street, no one can hug you like your partner can..

this is so painful..my heart is aching from all this and im thinking it will ache for quite a while yet.

Eric i dont think im doing that well, in a way i have pleaded by trying to make him see that he didnt fight for us and that he gave up.

But it didnt work because he thinks he did fight and he had given up fighting. Maybe i will never understand this.. maybe it is just one of them things that 3 years down the line when someone asks me why did you break up i will still be saying im not too sure..

anyway thanks for your comments.

[icme]

Foz, I don't think there can ever be adequate answers to a situation where someone doesn't feel the same about you as you feel about them.

 

you will rack your brain and may feel guilty about the arguments he refers to on holiday. you may blame it on your work stress, but the truth is, you could have been with a different person, still had all those arguments and it may not have come to this. sometimes, there's nothing you could have done about it, and there's no one thing that can explain it. its just that something wasn't right enough for the other person for them to be with us.

 

you should realise that you could have work stress and moods, but be with a man who's much more suited to you, so you didn't argue, or so it didn't bother him, just because his personality is different. you and him may just interact differently to how you did with your ex. don't put it all on yourself and allow him to blame you. it takes two you know.

 

accepting this and coming to terms with it is the first and hardest step when you break up – to be honest, I still have a pang every day (doesn't hurt as much) where I stop and think, why did she do it, I thought she was really happy. I just don't get it.

 

my point being, that you never really get an answer, you just get used to not having one.

 

you're right though, when you say about someone asking you why you broke up and you saying, not really sure – that's spot on! its sad, but probably how it will be. I can see it being like that with me.

 

the rest of what you're going to have to deal with is hard. really hard. and it takes time. and there's so many nasty surprises on the way – re-realising how much you miss them, how lonely it is. but you really will cope, I promise you. because as time passes, you'll get stronger and the feelings will get weaker. it's a battle you can't help but win, because all the odds are in your favour. keep this in mind over the coming months.

 

I'm sure you'll have your own thoughts on this, but personally, I think NC is the way to go from here on in. its so hard, but it really is the only way to let you forget that person until you're strong enough to handle it.

 

good luck

[Foz]

well guys you may say it serves me right for snooping but i checked his emails last night, i had his passwords because he had given them to me to check his email for him when he was abroad and couldnt get to an internet cafe. i dont know why i di it, i guess i was curious to see was he hurting, or was this break up easy for him.

and this is what i found

" finally packed it in with k at the beginning of september. happy enough with my decison its just s*** the way you can make someone feel so bad. she is getting on with things now but generally has not been coping too well"

i was so hurt..finally packed it in??

its like he is so over me, the last 3.5 years obviously means nothing to him..all that crap about wanting to be friends and im a great person-yeah right, he just doesnt care at all..

if anything it has really spelt out to me that he is gone forever and has completely moved on from me and the past 3.5 years mean nothing to him..

everything he said to me was just to ease his guilty conscience, he just does not care..

i dont know how i feel, shocked i guess that he could be so cruel..

 

PS thanks icme, you put things in perspective, it does take 2 and i cant blame myself..

[icme]

hey there.. you're a brave girl – stay away from stuff like that – snooping is a direct route to doing your head in!! (I know because I've been there..) but I suppose doing it once may be enough to satisfy your curiosity.. but I wouldn't go there if I was you.

 

one thing – reading that can't have been nice. it sounds callous and cold. but looking at it rationally, the way people talk to mates and the language they use, is not a reflection on how they feel about things. I wouldn't let that get you down. (although I know how these little signs feel like little twists of the knife). I'm sure if any of us was a fly on the wall listening to conversations our exes had about us after a break up, we'd be completely shocked. it means nothing really.

 

you can bet it hasn't been easy for him, because of feelings he had for you and I don't for one minute imagine the whole thing meant nothing. its just that his actions now can easily make you feel like that. it all goes back to the same point though – their decision to break, so they don't see or feel any of the stuff we feel – so their words and actions seem completely heartless..

 

hang in there. it's a long road but you will get better.

[Mun]

Hi Foz,

You know when I have been the dumper I have always rationalized my decision and looked at it in a practical sense. I don't tend to get my emotions involved in my decision--I don't know why I just don't. Now when I have been the dumpee--well its emotional chaos. I guess because as the dumpee you have no control, someone else has decided for you.

 

In any case this might be why his words sound so cold to you. It may just be his "rational " way of looking at what happened. I agree with the previous poster though, I don't think you can just wipe away 3 plus years, there has to be some emotion there... it is beneath the surface.

[Foz]

i dont know why but i miss him so much even after all he has said and done. Part of me wishes we could be friends if we cant be together just because there are parts of him that i miss. The other side of me wonders did he ever love me because if he did, why did he do this to me..i also think how could i ever take him back if he did come crawling back 6 months down the line..because he has hurt me so badly.

its hard some days im angry thinking how selfish, cruel and cowardly he has been and other days i just miss him.

its like he cant even commit to breaking up with me properly with his "if in 6 months time i feel ive made a mistake i wont be too proud to crawl back" line.

and then there is what icme said someone else may not find fault with me the way he did. someone else would accept the bad witht he good.

oh its such a confusing time..but i am stronger than i was 5 weeks ago but i still miss him and part of me yearns to talk to him..but i know its not getting me anywhere so NC is probably the best thing for me but...

still havent got back into my fitness regime..just cant motivate myself that much but i am going away for the weekend and hopefully next week i will get back into the gym and start a fitness plan again..

[Princess777]

Hey girl,

 

Glad to hear you're still hanging in there. It sounds like you are beginning to accept reality for what it is, and that is the best way to recovery. You sound so much better than you did before. Sometimes people say not to snoop, etc., and you might wish you hadn't now, however, doesn't it help you heal though? It helps the anger part of you override the sadness, anyway. True, it was an invasion of his privacy and yes, the things he said may have sounded very harsh and uncaring to you. But now that you know, do you REALLY wish you hadn't looked, or are you glad you know what you do? Sometimes just knowing certain things like that can help you through things like this. I think you found out for a reason, and that reason is to help you heal. I believe that whenever the "dumpee" obtains knowledge such as this, it is good because it helps you see what he isn't telling you. Yeah, shame on you for snooping, but so what, he should have changed his passwords just for security after the breakup anyway. (can you tell I'm on your side?! ha ha )

 

Try to commit to a fitness program to help boost your energy and self confidence, I think you're on the right track there for sure.

 

Please keep us posted and continue to hold your head up. 8)

[Foz]

Yeah in a way the discovery of that email helped me to get angry and view the whole break up differently, now im thinking wow how cold and heartless is he and do i really want to cry my eyes out over someone who obviously has very few feelings left for me..

i still dont know what happened to make him feel like that but i guess i never will and in a way it doesnt matter, that is how he feels and there is nothing i can do to change that but it does hurt that someone i loved could just switch off and walk off like that and leave me to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.

I do know now that it is so over and well me reading his email dashed any hope that i would otherwise have clung onto but it hurt to know that that is how he feels after 3.5 years!!

Sometimes i blame myself and wish i could turn back time and do things differently but i know that is pointless cos he should love me no matter what and he obviously doesnt.

he wants us to be friends and sometimes when i miss him i think yeah id love to hang out with him but then when i think of the hurt he has caused i think no, you chose not to be with me and you dont get me as a friend either.

its been really tough but i have moved on from the despair and feeling that i couldnt face life without him. i miss him and there are days when i am sad and lonely but i know now that it is over and i will not let him destroy me and i will move on form this and find love again hopefully!!

[trishcollins]

its like he cant even commit to breaking up with me properly

 

Boy can I EVER relate. In my situation, I made the mistake of breaking NC, after he had indicated by a couple of things he said previously that we might somewhere down the line have a future.

 

On the day my father died (3 weeks after we split), I called him and was very angry and upset and started to say "what a b-stard" he was and did he have any idea what he had done to me. He say "of course he knew, and felt terrible and thought about me every day, still loves me and misses me". The next thing startled me, when he said "if there is ever a chance of reconciliation, then don't go there" (meaning don't trash me) and when I say "I thought you were done with this relationship", he said "no, we agreed, I would take the time I needed, and when I was ready to commit 100%, we would take it from there". News to me, since when we brokeup he indicated it was just never going to work.

 

So, this claim of future hope left hanging in the wind. I begged him not to give me any false hope and that if it was truly over to say so. He wouldn't. He just kept saying, "neither of us knows what the future holds".

 

I went back to NC for 5 weeks, then called him on what would have been our second anniversary. Again, he says he misses me and still loves me and still considers me his best friend. So I hold out more hope for a reconciliation, but go back to NC for another 4 weekes.

 

Then these last two weeks I have been emailing him under any pretense, as I was starting to panic. He gives me another sign of hope by saying he's incorporated his company with the name of my town, not his, which is what he planned to do prior to the breakup, but had no obligation to do so post breakup. I was surprised and responded by talking about our future down the road, and that I knew that logistics and circumstance were keeping us apart right now, but that eventually we would be back together.

 

Well, I totally freaked him out. I could tell he didn't know how to respond. He says he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, and that neither of us knows what the future holds, but I am definitely reading too much into things. Then he goes on to say if it were up to him, things would be different, but right now he has to be there for his son, and can't do anything about it. My feeling about this is, that if he really wanted me to be in his life, I would be, as there are many ways we can compromise our circumstances, but there were many issues that still need to be resolved, including his daughter's behaviour towards me, a major cause of our breakup.

 

I told him I was sorry for misinterpretting things, and for that reason, I thought it was best to go back to NC, that way I can no longer misinterpret or misunderstand his actions. That if he shows up on my doorstep one day, and I was still available, we would take it from there.

 

But, same thing. It's like he either doesn't want to really say it and be the bad guy, or he doesn't know for sure, and wants to leave the door slightly open. I hate the feeling of not knowing. Anyway, I told him I would only send Christmas and birthday cards, and other than that, I would not be in touch, because life is too short to worry about things over which I have no control. It was hard, but I almost feel like I am the one that has to say "it's over", because he won't.

 

Anyway, I know EXACTLY what you are going through and I can feel for you completely. Hang in there, it does get easier in time.

[Foz]

yeah but why do i still feel that life was better when he was my partner..

[Princess777]

You feel that way because that's all you've known for the last few years. Remember no one likes change, it's just because it's unfamiliar, that's all it is!!!! Don't let the disease of dysfunction (the thoughts that you NEED someone else) get in the way of your recovery. Tell that voice to shut up and keep thinking positively, and get mad at him if you have to, to get through this. You're doing wonderfully. Keep going!!!!

[trishcollins]

yeah but why do i still feel that life was better when he was my partner..

 

For the same reason we all do. If you had a good relationship and loved each other and where happy, of course you would want that again. There is nothing like the feeling of being special to someone else to make you feel great. I guess that's part of the problem. I have been single on and off for years. I love my own company and won't settle for just anyone. But when I fall, I fall HARD. And so when it ends, I feel bad because I miss having them in my life. And of course, there is a difference between missing the person, and missing the "being in a relationship". For me, it's the person I miss, and that's what makes it so hard. A relationship is always about compromise and negotiation and can be a lot of work, and I sometimes question is it worth all the effort. But a friend and a lover is hard to live without, especially when they were your best friend.

[Foz]

i just feel sad that its over between us, that someone who i thought the world of doesnt want me in his life anymore, that he has just switched off his feelings and it seems so easy for him.

i just miss him so much, apart of me would still take him back despite all the hurt and pain he has caused me..

god i am having a relapse, i thought i was doing ok but somehow ive taken a few steps back..

[icme]

you're having a down moment. over the next months you will have hundreds, on a daily (and nightly!) basis, but they will get fewer, less acute. I promise. in a way, you don't even want these moments to hurt less, because its part of the attachment to that person, but it just happens. healing is not a linear progression, it's a really bumpy path – but its always forwards, away from the initial pain.

 

I understand though how it feels. especially the thought of someone you love so much not wanting you. it's really, really hard to get your head round. in the 9 weeks since mine happened, I've had moments where I was suddenly gripped by a feeling so intense that I couldn't quite believe it. like your heart is being crushed, you miss them so much and it hurts so badly that they don't want you. I would sit at my desk at work, thinking of everything we did together and said, every cuddle, kiss etc, followed by the horrible realisation we weren't together and that she brought it about. their rejection makes no sense.. like a nightmare. but… its better than it was. and for you, in 3 weeks, then 6 weeks, then more, it will be better still. just hold on.

 

so, anyway, I know what you're going through. and I'm telling you, don't be disheartened by these sudden periods of despair, they're horrible, but they will pass.

 

don't be fooled into thinking that just because you hurt so much, it must mean they are so right for you.. I had this cycle – feeling so bad and then thinking there's no earthly reason why I'd miss her so much, unless she was the one for me.. even now that I still miss her, I can see that that was not a clear way of seeing things and its more the pain and shock talking than anything else (apologies if I'm talking out of line – I'm not trying to judge your relationship, just my thoughts on how I felt)

 

remember that your head screws with you slightly at the moment. feeling as crushed as you do makes you elevate them even further – like they hold your happiness to life in their hand, the fact that they rejected you, the fact you convince yourself that everyday for them is carefree and without a thought for you (truth is you don't know that, but either way it doesn't matter anymore unfortunately) – all of this, combined with your despair and the fact you never really get an understanding why it happened, turns them into this amazing, all powerful person, who you'd do anything to be with. this adds to the despair because you feel so wretched.. but its not entirely accurate.

 

anyway.. one thing I do know, is that me blabbing on about life is not much help when you're sitting at work in despair or crying in the toilets.. no matter. the only thing that can help you is time and no contact. you already sound ten times better than you did in your original emails. you are going to pull through this, in one piece, and you'll be cool. don't worry.

 

take care

[CharlieGurl]

Hi Foz,

I agree with Icme...healing is definitely a bumpy, bumpy road...

 

I was just getting used to dealing with the idea that we weren't together...and I was getting used to working with him and being okay around him and still knowing that we hold a special place in our hearts for each other, and the thought that things aren't the way they were and maybe some day they'll be back but right now they're not. And then was confronted with the idea that he could possibly be interested in a girl at work who seems to have a crush on him. I have definitely jumped to conclusions with this, and don't know what the truth is at this point, but it has definitely brought be back a few steps.

 

The thing is...if he IS interested in someone else...even though he told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship and doesn't want to answer to anyone and I know he's got a lot going on in his life...really wouldn't have time for anyone unless he was living with them...I would just have to deal with it. It is completely out of my control. At some point, I have to snap out of it and realize that it's not going to be like it was. And if things ever get back together, I would've wasted all this time thinking "what if"...I need to carry on with my life and find joy in things that I did before.

 

And you do too. I think when you come back from the weekend, it WOULD be a great idea to get back to the gym again. As hard as some of these things are to do, they are what will make us feel the most normal again.

 

The hurt can be unbearable...even two months later, as in my case...but he doesn't want to be with me right now, and there's nothing I can do about it. He doesn't have ill feelings for me, and I know that he still cares about me...one day, I guarantee, he will regret his decision, as I know I was good for him. And when he does, I hope it's too late...and that I've moved on and into something even better.

 

I hope the same for you, Foz. Of everyone on this forum, I think I relate to your story the most. Your hurt. And i want us to be able to push our way out of this. We can. We will...with time....

[Foz]

because i was feeling so down in myself i again checked his email. i dont know why i keep doing this to myself, i guess i want to see if he is hurting too, which it would appear he is not..

again one to his friend saying its s*** but it is the right decision and then one to a girl he was with for a month in Australia 5 years ago saying hi, are you still there, email me and let me know what you are upto, love j.

Love j?? god now he is getting in contact with ex flings of his..and using the L word..

why do i do it to myself, i just end up more astounded by the coldness of him, what has he become, how can he just switch off everything and move on like he seems to have done.

I really have to pull myself together and stop torturing myself, im not helping myself at all..

ICME you speak such sense i wish i could be more like you about this whole break up but instead im either in the depths of depression or acting like a crazed person checking his emails..

this is so difficult..