In a Love Triangle

[Emilia]

Please before anyone reads this, don't judge me. I would not like a lecture, thanks!

 

I have been with my current boyfriend for almost 9 years now. I am 25 years old & so is he. Up until the past few months or so I've been happy with him. We moved to Florida together and it seems like things have taken a turn for the worse. We literally fight 2 days a week, over everything. This past fight we got into was the worst out of them all. It ended up in him breaking my phone and breaking one of the doors in the house. His mother came down from PA to visit us, and before she did I cleaned up the house for about 3 hours and he kept snapping his fingers for me to do more. I want to move back to PA and he doesnt because he loves it here in Florida. I was sick in bed the other day and he worked...I asked him to take me to the doctors but he was too busy and now im stuck with this terrible cough. I woke him up in the middle of the night last night to tell him I couldn't sleep so I was going to go downstairs on the couch to sleep and he flipped out telling me i woke him up from the middle of a deep sleep and I was tourmenting him. These are just a few examples of the stupid things he does. He has lied to me a lot in the past about certain things (going to strip clubs, smoking weed) that he has definitely corrected but not doing, but I still hang on to those lies because Im trying to get over the other stuff he does now.

 

While visitng my family about 3 months ago, me and my sister went out and this guy bought me a drink at the restaurant. We started hanging out and he fell for me. I dont know if I feel the same. He treats me so well...always is thinking about me, doing little things that my current bf would not. Always planning fun things for us to do. He really is the perfect example of a perfect guy. He has a very well paying job and geniuly cares about how I feel. I feel a connection with him, but I dont think as strong as one as I have with my current bf. Im wondering if it is because I cant let myself because I'm with someone or it's just not there.

 

If I move back to PA, I get to see where things would go with this guy but I would lose my very well paying HR job that I have now. I need the money but I dont want to be stuck in a place where Im miserable all of the time. And if I stay in FL, I get to keep my job but possibly endure a future that would make me miserable or have the potential to work things out with him. I just feel if we havent worked things out by now, there is no hope. I have no family down here, if it wasnt for my current bf I wouldnt want to be in FL. I feel at home in PA.

 

Please dont judge, I'm not sleeping around I'm just very confused. I've always been faithful to my boyfriend. Maybe I'm being stupid. I dont know, but Id like to just get a clear direction on my life. Thanks so much for listening.

[Moontiger]

Ok, you have been in this relationship since you were a teenager. Because of that this is what I advise: Try to talk to your BF about the problems you are having. If he is unwilling to work on them then that tells you all your need to know. Then BE SINGLE for a LONG time. Let me just make this clear DO NOT JUMP INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS NEW GUY .

You need time to figure yourself out and if you go right into a new relationship it will be doomed to failure.

[diamond78]

Well, I can't really comment on the new guy as you are most likely attracted to him because he represents what you are not getting with your current partner. But I will say this, if your BF is doing things like breaking your phone and doors, then I strongly advise you to leave this relationship. I can only imagine that it would get worse and you may be the next thing that gets hit.

 

No matter what you decide to do, you cannot carry on entertaining both guys. You ether make a choice to be with one or the other...or you choose to be single and not be with either of them.

 

I think being single for awhile would do you some good, mentally and emotionally.

[Nearbot]

Leave your boyfriend for yourself, not for another guy. You hardly know the new guy, and I'm sure he is not as perfect as he seems.

 

Just because you stay in Florida doesn't mean you have to stay with your boyfriend. Why not move out and get your own nice apartment with your well-paying job and see how meeting new people goes? Don't plan your life around guys

[OptomisticGirl]

Neither one of you are saints in this relationship. I remember you having a HUGE insecurity issue a while back were if your boyfriend thought a woman on tv was hot you flipped out. Should he have taken you to the doctor? Sure, it would have been a sweet gesture but did you ask why he wouldnt? Did he have to work the next morning and was that why he was ill when you woke him up?

 

You think this new guy is 'the perfect guy' because your having issues with your boyfriend for months now because of the move situation. You yourself said up until then you were happy. If you were to end things with your boyfriend and get with this new guy, don't fool yourself into thinking this new guy is never going to make you angry or is never going to do something you don't like. So he's not 'perfect'. He seems perfect because your relationship is on the rocks for a variety of reasons.

 

i personally stand by my decision when you were having the move issue - just move to PA and leave your boyfriend. Neither one of you wants to compromise on were to live (which is your rights) but don't use the threat of a new relationship to 'wake' your boyfriend up and change is mind.

[BrianH46]

My perspective is a little different from everyone else: It seems to me that you love your boyfriend quite a bit and being with someone for nine years is quite a feat. If his current behavior is unusual from how he is in the past, then the change in your relationship dynamics can easily be explained by the stress brought on by moving accross the country. If this is the case try communicating your worries and thoughts with him and after each time you guys have a talk session (and depending on how you guys relax) either do something together: like going to the spa to bond and relax, or do something separately and have another talk. Relationships take a lot of work to maintain

 

However if he has always done things like breaking stuff when you guys fight: get out. And regarding the other guy, come on do you really want a man who would go after someone elses girlfriend? That's just low and desperate.

[Emilia]

Ive actually been a lot better with the insecurity thing. It hasnt been an issue in about 2 months. Ive been getting help for that, things are going great.

 

And I am not considering leaving my current bf because of this new guy. I am doing it for me. I do have a lot of love for him, and he does love me but he has said some horrible things the past 2 months that make me never want to talk to him sometimes. He gets angry very easily...he's demanding of me. I feel he doesnt listen to my feelings...he has severe ADHD and takes meds for it, but he cant focus on a conversation with me. He doesnt like my parents. He never has met any of my friends. I just feel he is not engaged in my life as I wish someone were.

[OptomisticGirl]

Then go back to PA, simple as that. I echo other posters and say try to be single before jumping into another relationship.

[LBP]

Step one would be to communicate. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Tell him that this kind of treatment is making you question your feelings for him and wonder if you wouldn't be happier elsewhere. That this constant cycle of rage and conflict is making you unhappy and wonder what else is out there. Don't bother mentioning the other guy; just say that this kind of behavior is not conducive to your happiness and as such you are quite logically wondering why you're in this thing. That'll wake him up. Or, more unpleasantly, set him off. If it *does* cause him to explode then I think you know what you need to do.... If he has any maturity whatsoever he'll take this as constructive criticism and try to work with you. Maybe it will help him feel comfortable trying to communicate his own problems with the relationship. And I mean *communicate* them, not use the experience as a chance to belittle you. If it turns into a "well this is really all your fault!" kind of a deal then, again, you know what to do.

[Snny]

Ok.... the current guy you have... get rid of him. He is abusing and bullying you and continues to do so every week. What relationship benefit do you gain from who snaps his fingers at you like a dog or scolds you for being sick? LOL really man... can you see yourself being married to this chump who treats you like a low-class servant? You are WAAAAAY better than that! F this dude. He should be drop kicked in the throat.

 

Also... if you're in a relationship, never ever ever accept "free" drinks a guy gives you (unless you are good friends with the bartender). It is a trick a guy will use to get with you. Think of it as a rule of not taking candy from strangers... the same concept applies at the bar scene when you are in a committed relationship (really, a guy who buys you a random drink is a stranger). They either get you drunk, get you to come out of your shell because you think they're being a "friend" and want to talk to you to build trust, or slip date rape pills to gain a one night stand. It's not them trying to be friendly... they are interested beyond a friendship with you and this only makes matters worse. Steer clear from guys like this unless you are single and available.

 

Work on yourself. Get stable mentally and physically before jumping into another relationship. Go get some self-respect and take time away from guys until you are ready. Otherwise you are rebounding and your next relationship will not last.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, your current BF sounds like a bully... and that is terrible that he was rushing you to clean the house for his mother... couldn't he have done it himself? Are you his maid?

 

And not taking you to the doctor when you're sick is ridiculous. You just can't count on him to have your welfare at heart.

 

After 9 years, he sounds more like a habit than someone who is making you happy. And you're living somewhere you don't want to live.

 

If i were you, i'd probably leave... after 9 years you should either be settled in, happy, and planning on getting married, or else realize that someone who worked for you when you were 16 may not be the guy who is right for you now, especially if he is treating you badly. He should have also grown out of the strip clubs and weed routine at his age too, so i think he sounds pretty spoiled and immature.... probably not the right person to try to settle down and make a permanent commitment to.