StarGazer68 Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 So after mulling over my dating experiences this past year, I'm beginning to think that most guys like to get physical first before committing and dating a girl. Or I just don't know how to pick 'em. I keep picking the jerks who try to have sex with me too soon and try to touch me inappropriately...guys who are crafty with what they say to get you into bed and guy that purposely distance themselves so as not to want more than sex...it's so unfortunate. I've lost faith in guys my age. I'm 24 and living in a big city. The men here around my age are not into romance, respect, and sensitivity. They seem more into bars/drinks, sex, and games. Thus, I'm wondering....are there guys out there who enjoy dating and maybe waiting to just get a kiss on the third date? Guys who enjoy spending time to get to know a girl and are willing to wait a month or longer before getting physical? Or am I crazy and every guy wants to be sexually active in the beginning? Is it more normal and should I get with the program? I feel like I'm out of loop here. I hear friends telling me how someone went home with someone...or I've heard how almost all of my friends in relationships started out with sex and hooking up which led to dating...and I have never done anything like that or could imagine just having a one night stand or starting a fwb situation. Around me, it seems like it's the normal, grown up thing to do. I actually feel childish, naive, and like an oddball because I haven't had such experiences yet and am afraid to just go off and have sex with someone I am not dating. Do I need to become more open and sexual to find a boyfriend or even someone to spend time with? Link to comment
laura40 Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 There are men who are not just out there for sex. You will find him, I promise! Just keep searching. I don't think you should change yourself at all. If you do, you'll be doing it for other men and not yourself. Why go sleeping around just because everyone around you does? I'm sure you'll feel even more worthless if you do. Don't want to sound harsh at all by the way, so no offence. Link to comment
Jake Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 No, I don't think you have to grow more sexual in the dating world. I believe you're dating the wrong type of men. Expand your dating pool and look elsewhere because the guys you've been dating clearly don't have your outlook on relationships/dating. Link to comment
regular joe Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 As a guy don't waste your time on idiots like that, the right one will come along sooner or later. Sad part is you will meet many wrongs, before you meet the one that's right. Don't give up, don't settle and most importantly don't lose your dignity and self respect. Things are no different on this side of the fence, I have to wonder what's wrong sometimes too. I know even before we get to the physical part with someone, where we are headed reelationship wise. On the other hand if she wants to give me a little bit of tail, I'm not going to refuse it. lol I have had what started as FWB end up relationships and I have had FWB that didn't end up more than that. Link to comment
MoggieGirl Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 NO!!! Have you seen Millionaire Matchmaker? No sex before monogamy. And you should be friends first. Someday you will find someone who makes you feel great and comfortable around him and you will feel as if you're in control and you will feel no pressure so therefore you will want to seduce him! That's the man you want. Too many guys are stupid. If they only knew that the best way to get a girl is by putting no pressure on her and making her feel so comfortable that she wants to throw herself at him. Those are the smart ones. You better drop those stupid guys. They're not worth your time! Link to comment
VictorVic Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 I am a guy. I am a typical guy too int he fact that I love sports, work out, stay fit, have alot of friends, etc. I seem probboly like a kind of guy who would look for action early but I really dont. If i like a girl I want to go out on mulitple dates before I even kiss them. If I had sex on the first or 2nd date, I would lose respect for the girl. There are others like me out there. In the back of my mind if I like the girl after a few dates I would like to sleep with them if they are ready, but I will def not be pushing them and inappropriate. I hate how some guys act Link to comment
WindowTo Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 If you sleep with a man too early, no matter what type of guy he is you run the risk of him not seeing you as marriage material. A deep connection has to be formed for the sex to be intimate and not casual. Link to comment
tyr72 Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 The normal, grown up thing to do is to respect how you feel and behave according to what you feel is right. Abandoning what you feel is right for you because it is what others expect, or what everyone else is doing is the more immature of the two options. You and only you should decide what is right for you. If that is waiting for a monogamous relationship, great! If friends with benefits is what you want, great! The only requirement for a right decision is that it be made by you out of respect for your beliefs and feelings. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 I live in a big city and I don't have a problem with finding guys who will wait for sex. Of the guys I have dated, waiting has only been a problem with one and he was promiscuous/didn't have long-term relationships. So there you go. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 A lot of guys are like that because there are a lot of women like that as well. There are a lot of women who get frustrated when a guy doesn't want to have sex with them by the third date. So many guys also feel that this is how they have to behave in order to get a woman interested. They feel that being the sensitive, gentlemanly, respectful guy does not get them the women whereas the guy who demands sex immediately is the guy that has women flocking at his feet. In other words, it is women who have also helped to set up this bizarre notion in the dating world today that dating is about sex and it is a relationship that is the bonus. Don't compromise your values for this warped way of thinking. There are still people out there who are first and foremost seeking a relationship, with sex as the bonus later on. Link to comment
MoggieGirl Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 If a guy has to push for a woman to have sex with him there is something wrong with him. My kind of man does not put any pressure on me at all and makes me want throw myself at him when I am ready. Why would a man want to sleep with a woman who is hesitating? Isn't it more fun when she's all over him? Guys who don't get this are dumb! Link to comment
Wildflower25 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I live in a big city and I don't have a problem with finding guys who will wait for sex. Of the guys I have dated, waiting has only been a problem with one and he was promiscuous/didn't have long-term relationships. So there you go. Have any of these "nice" guys led to relationships? Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 A lot of guys are like that because there are a lot of women like that as well. There are a lot of women who get frustrated when a guy doesn't want to have sex with them by the third date. convinced there's truth to this... Link to comment
Wildflower25 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 There is a way to be a good, respectful woman, not easy in bed...but lure them in by being sexy and flirty so they are fantasizing about what would be to come later. Not "sexy * * * * ty"...sexy as in confident in yourself, smiling, laughing, comfortable in your skin. Every man wants a classy woman on the street but his own * * * * in the bedroom... but you don't want to do that right off the bat. Respect yourself, love yourself, NEVER have sex just to please the man or do it because you "think" thats what he wants. ALWAYS do it because it feels right, there is an obvious mutual connection and you want it too. That takes time...atleast a month or two depending on how many dates you've been on together. A man will be able to tell that you are or aren't a strong individual that is in control of herself. A man would usually want and take sex from any pretty woman, but hes going to want to keep the woman that is confident, knows what she wants and how to get it, but is nice and fun at the same time. Don't be afraid to let your intentions known, ask for what you want or leave if you don't get it. Basically, say you start dating someone... you can show confidence and "nice" assertiveness by simply having standards for yourself and not giving in on them. Always always always let the man call you first and make ALL the plans for the first I'd say 2 months unless something really fun and special comes up that you want to invite him too. Otherwise, let him do the work. I would only call him to return his missed calls. I wouldn't play any games like take forever to call him back, but without saying a thing you are showing him, you hold yourself to a high enough value that you deserve to be dated and in order to get you, he will have to rise to the challenge. Give yourself a date limit of which you can't have sex before say the 5th date and thats only if things are going amazing...and he's SHOWING interest through his actions. Actions actions actions speak way louder than words when it comes to men. Does he call you? Does he follow through on plans? Is he interested in YOU as a person? Does he look in your eyes or is he afraid to have eye contact out of guilt? Also, back to the not being afraid to ask what you want thing. ASK HIM what he wants first before you have sex. In the same conversation tell him, I do not want friends with benefits or hook ups. Make it known what YOU want whilst asking him what he wants. Tell him, you're looking for a potential long term relationship so if he isn't interested in that, maybe you should just be friends? 95% of men WILL be honest with you. They will tell you straight up, I'm not ready or yes I am looking for a relationship too. If you do not ask this, they will not volunteer the information because of course...they still want to sleep with you regardless. Here's an example I've had happen. I met a guy I liked A LOT. We had sex on the 3rd date...went on a couple more dates, having sex. Finally, I ask him weeks after the fact, so you looking for a relationship? Here's naive me thinking everything is going great and assuming sex means relationship. He says he just wants to go really slow because he isn't ready even though he likes me. Of course, I'm crushed, hurt and lash out at him wondering why he wasn't up front with me about wanting to go "slow". I take that as he isn't that interested and I'm WAY more offended than I would have been had we not had sex yet. I should have asked him where he was "at" first before hand, but instead I ruined the relationship by being an overly sensitive psycho. lol That was years ago, lessons learned... Again, know what you want, stick to your guns but be nice. You ARE in control of you and nobody can hurt you unless you give them that power. Don't give them that power until they PROOVE they are deserving of it. The right one WILL come along. Also, these other women in relationships that started through hook ups...blah.. Seriously, anyone I know in a relationship that started that way, the man didn't respect her as much as he could have potentionally and they never had the best relationships. The best relationships I've known started with a solid base of friendship, respect, trust and mutual love. To get a man to respect you, you've got to value yourself. As far as the past is concerned, its the past. It's gone, done, finite! You are a confident, beautiful, intelligent, funny, well put together woman deserving of real love and everyday is a new day to let your inner beauty shine! Stay strong and know that you have great power inside you to be who you want, do what you want and get what you want. Don't give up! Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Why would a man want to sleep with a woman who is hesitating? I have no idea. I've never dated in my life, but if I can't get an early, sexual response out of a woman, I get out of there. I'm obviously not in this for relationships, and I see no point in leading a woman on. (I actually have an idea for a thread based on this, but I've been too lazy to type it out.) Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 I have no idea. I've never dated in my life, but if I can't get an early, sexual response out of a woman, I get out of there. I'm obviously not in this for relationships, and I see no point in leading a woman on. (I actually have an idea for a thread based on this, but I've been too lazy to type it out.) So, blue spiral, you mean to say that you are just in it right now for sex? That's basically what the last guy I dated let me know once I got it out of him ha. Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Thank you!! I feel so much more empowered and inspired and better about being myself and more assertive about what I want. Your advice is fabulous and I'll probably re-read to feel better if I have another flop for a date haha. Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Thank you to everyone who responded. I really appreciate everyone letting me know that I'm not some alien for feeling the way I do. I especially am glad to have received a male perspective on things and glad to know there are good guys out there. I guess that I have just been dating the wrong men, but of course I don't realize a guy is a jerk till the second or third date usually. It just seems so hard for me to find a good guy and I'm not sure why. I either take a liking to guys who are assholes or they do to me. I often wonder if it's because of the way I look....because I can't think of anything else about me that makes me appear like the kind of girl who's promiscuous and doesn't respect herself. I have a christina aguilera type of look to me, but I think I dress pretty nicely in a classy way. Yet, I wonder if it's my looks or something about my appearance that makes guys think I'm really just hook-up material I mean, I definitely try to prove them wrong with how I act and with my self-dignity and respect and will continue to do so. Too many duds out there! Link to comment
Julia Durst Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 You are fine just the way you are now. Don't change a thing, just find a man who fit your needs. Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted November 24, 2011 Author Share Posted November 24, 2011 You are fine just the way you are now. Don't change a thing, just find a man who fit your needs. Thank you You're right. Link to comment
chr8st8na Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 Well to the OP.... You should never give/change who u r because later u will give yourself grief about it. I live in a big city too and I'm basically alone half the time if I'm not working or working out. I would go out with guys and I was also in your shoes... I'm 27 and the guys my age I went out with did not want to settle.... It sucks when all you want is to have that special someone be part of your life. The guys that come after me are guys who don't want anything serious so I always end up letting go and wondering if I need to be more inclined to go 'all the way' to get a guy to want something more with me. I also notice that the nice guys my age who seem commitment type are intimidated by me because I have this "look" even tho I dress nice but conservative. Perosonality wise, I am reserved. Earlier this year, I met this guy and he's cute and a gentleman. I didn't think he was my cup of tea b/c we didn't really talk much... and I was pretty washed up with the dating non-serious sex craved men so I decided to have a one night stand. I guess I was kind of looking for rebound and wanted that experience of a 1 night stand. I ended up having sex with this guy the first date and I expected that he would think lowly of me after and would only contact me for sex. Well turned out that he happened to treat me better than all the guys I ever dated!! That just took me by surprise in a good way... but it didn't necessarily make me more interested in him, just made me feel guilty. I felt like I used him and I try to find every little excuse not to be with him, so I wouldn't look like the bad guy. I tell you... Five months I gave myself grief over this. I should have just been true to myself from the beginning... Because I always think if I had been the real me from the beginning, I wouldn't have lost a good friend. So stick to just being you... I know it's hard but in the long run, you at least won't regret it. Link to comment
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