How do you know NC isn't making your ex assume you've moved on for good?

[vel2011]

I have a question which I'm hoping people can shed some light on...

 

Most people on these forums very wisely advocate the following after a break-up:

 

- Go NC

- If they contact you then it's fine to reply but keep it brief and don't get your hopes up / start pestering them every day assuming they want you back

- Use NC to heal, move on, get yourself back and become a better person - the person you were when your ex was first attracted to you

- If you are ever going to reconcile, it will be when you have had a significant period of time apart with no or very limited contact, have healed and you find you are both attracted to each other - essentially like a NEW relationship.

- Don't live your life waiting for them to come back - move on as if it is over for good

 

Some people may have read my story, but the one thing that is bugging me is 'what if my ex misses me / is contemplating another go at things but fears rejection and thinks I've moved on so won't make a move'.

 

In a nutshell, we were together 2.5 yrs. She ended things 3 months ago - no arguments or big reasons, just said she loves me but can't say for sure I am the 'one'. For me a classic example of a 25 yo girl not wanting to commit forever at a young age and thinking there may be something better out there once the honeymoon satge had ended.

 

I have followed the above list re NC etc to the letter.

 

In 3 months she has initiated contact about every 3 weeks, I know she is single, and we've met a few times at her request. I am however of the mindset that it is over for good and am moving on (or trying to) with the belief that it will never be again (although losing all hope is difficult).

 

Some of her contact makes me wonder what she feels however...

 

- Calling after a month saying she loves me, misses me, only remembers fun but thinks it's the right decision

- Wanting to meet for lunch and hear my news a month later

- Emailing me asking if I was seeing a girl in fb photos because she was curious and it looked like there was chemistry there (pretty sure she still thinks I'm seeing this girl - I've never even kissed her!)

- Phoning me yesterday as by complete chance I walked past a restaurant she was in with a friend and she spotted me - says 'I'm over here' - gives me warm hug, says 'good to see you' and follows up with text yesterday saying she will be in my area on wednesday - maybe she can drop in for a catch up.

 

Now - I know this is 99% likely to be all breadcrumbs and she just wants me there as a friend. I haven't intiated contact once, but do respond in a slightly nonchalant and care free manner when she gets in touch.

 

My question is this - everyone says it's a bad idea to contact her and give that closure speech of 'I know why you lost attraction - I've changed alot of things - I think you just gave up and it would work if you gave it another go....'

 

But how do you know if your ex has completely moved on and has no thoughts of you in their future, or whether they themselves think you would no longer take them back. I guess the question is:

 

IS IT A FACT THAT IF A DUMPER WANTS YOU BACK, THEY WILL ALWAYS CONTACT YOU AND SAY THAT DIRECTLY, AND UNLESS YOU HEAR THAT THEN THE BEST THING IS TO CONTINUE TO NOT CONTACT AND JUST MOVE ON?

[notimeman]

No one individual is the same, you know your ex better than any of us here, so in a calm and reflexive manner, consider why she is trying to contact you while still being single. At some point you have to stop NC or NIC for the purposes of starting a new relationship with her. NC is NEVER a means to get an ex back, its a means to get yourself back, if you strictly follow NC (as in never contacting or answering) a new relationship will never, logically, blossom. She is trying to speak to you, she is single, and she's giving a chance to meet up. Follow her lead, and push a little yourself (not more than her), and once you get her alone, reignite that spark with your charm.

 

Ultimately, one of you has to make the move, and women hardly ever make the first step. If I were in your situation, I'd subtly try to get her to grab lunch with me and once I have time with her, make her laugh, make her reminisce, and at the end of the night give her a great hug, look her in the eyes, and tell her good night. You can only go up from there.

[OptomisticGirl]

No it's not a fact, but the reverse isn't true either. You're missing the point of NC, it's supposed to be so you can forget about them - not so you can drive yourself crazy wondering if they're missing you.

[vel2011]

Thanks for your replies.

 

I don't think I'm missing the point of NC - since the BU I haven;t contacted my ex because I know I need a period of time where I don't give in to temptations to call her when I am missing her or thinking about her, because I know that's the best thing for me to eventually move on and heal as I still want her back as of now. At some point in the future I want to be friends with her if it is possible.

 

I am just curious as to why she has contacted me quite a few times and can't seem to completely break away, although most people say it si because she probably wants me as a friend. I'm not doing the NC / NIC as a game to get her back - it's just that her contact every few weeks or so makes me tempted to suggest a friendly drink and at least get some perspective on how she feels, so I know for sure.

[winniethepooh]

Some people may have read my story, but the one thing that is bugging me is 'what if my ex misses me / is contemplating another go at things but fears rejection and thinks I've moved on so won't make a move'.

Yeah, I wonder the exact same thing at times. We are driven by fears and desires. So if this is the case then her fear of rejection is greater than her desire for reconciliation.

 

She is contacting you though. So you got to figure out if the contact is part of a game (I'd leave her alone), reflects a genuine desire just to be friends (I'd leave her alone), reflects that she's feeling guilty for hurting you (I'd leave her alone, or be very careful how you move forward), reflects a genuine desire for reconciliation (or at least an attempt).

 

Since you probably can't figure out what's going on, and you can't read her mind, you could perhaps try a reply something like this (and send the same thing each time she contacts you unless she has something important to say):

 

Hi xxxx,

 

Thanks for your email (sms, phonecall, whatever). You were clear when you said you didn't want a relationship. I am trying to accept that and move on. I think the best way to do that is not to communicate, so that we can both heal from the breakup.

 

Take care,

Vel

 

Optionally, you could add something like this:

 

If something has changed then please tell me what that is or what it is you want to talk about.

 

Chances are she will stop contacting you, which is probably not what your heart desires, but it will make it easier for you (and her) to let go and move on ... eventually.

[winniethepooh]

At some point in the future I want to be friends with her if it is possible.

Worry about that in the future after you've healed. That's not important right now.

 

I am just curious as to why she has contacted me quite a few times and can't seem to completely break away, although most people say it si because she probably wants me as a friend. I'm not doing the NC / NIC as a game to get her back - it's just that her contact every few weeks or so makes me tempted to suggest a friendly drink and at least get some perspective on how she feels, so I know for sure.

Curiosity killed the cat ...

 

Maybe she doesn't know either. It's hard for her to let go too but she made the choice to leave. So leave her alone since that's what she wanted.

 

Don't suggest a drink until you're sure it doesn't matter to you if she wants a relationship, a friendship, or nothing. And even then, once you think you're sure, wait a few months before you ask.

[HoliPoli]

It's hard being a female who has been dumped. I can't imagine being a male.

 

All I can say is that if I was the one who ended the relationship I would have been 100% sure before I did so and I wouldn't make contact and I would keep NC.

 

But I also believe that any relationship with deep love can be saved before it needs to be ended.

 

You don't need to be strung along like a puppet. I wish things were clearer for you. If you want it then keep chasing it, but before you do take a break - a few days to a few weeks to make sure it's what you want. Take back the reigns of the relationship in whatever it's form.

 

I wish you the best in your situation.

[Galaxo]

snip

 

My question is this - everyone says it's a bad idea to contact her and give that closure speech of 'I know why you lost attraction - I've changed alot of things - I think you just gave up and it would work if you gave it another go....'

 

snip

 

 

At one point when my wife and I was separated, I changed what I was going to for myself. We still had to see each other due to a child. She is the one that said "you have changed" and it began to get better again. Anything I said before she said that would had been a lost cause.

 

Even if you have changed, does not mean the relationship would work out. Ironically, due to the changes that helped get her interested again, is some of the same changes that lead me to leave her four years ago.

[Nick Lansing]

No, I think it's pretty rare that the dumper directly tells you they want to give it another try, unless it's very shorly after the breakup. It's more common, I think, for them to do it indirectly, by flirting or asking about your status, that sort of thing.

 

Having said that, in your situation, she pretty much knws how you feel. You made it clear you loved her and wanted to work on things. It's definitely not your job to keep reminding her of that. I think it's better if she isn't sure. I'm not saying put up a wall, but I think it makes you more attractive to her (and moreimportantly, helps you heal) if you appear to be moving on in a healthy way.

[Eocsor]

Here we go again. No contact, limited contact, no initiated contact. Will they forget me, will they tell me they want me back.

 

Guess what, no one knows. Absolutely no one. So, if you really want to see if they want you back you're going to have to take a chance and open up a line of communication and see where they are at. It's all touch, feel and luck at that stage and odds are you will get shut down but it's the only way to know for sure.

 

No contact, as a means to get your ex back, is pretty useless.

[oldenoughtoknow]

NC isn't a guarantee to get your ex back. It gives you time to heal without their continued presence and reminder of what was. As a bonus, it makes your ex wonder what you've been up to. It gives him/her a chance to miss you. It gives them a chance to reevaluate whether they made a mistake. From there, if they aren't willing to stick their neck out to ask for another shot, it was never going to happen.

 

BTW, it doesn't sound like you've really been NC.

[Bolegged04]

I agree oldenough....NC is the best way to go if you want to heal and work on yourself. I was in NC with my ex for 3 months before he started calling and texting me wondering what I was doing and whom I was dating. I politely said "Im doing what I want to do and its none of your business"..and went straight back into no contact..

[Batya33]

I think it's important to explain to your ex why you are not in contact and to say "if you change your mind and want to be serious again, call me and if I am available and still interested we can talk about it but please don't contact me otherwise."

[AnnaN]

I realized the importance of NC today when I texted a simple Happy birthday message to my ex. I didn't want to call him but I didn't want to show I am angry or sad or have bitter feelings either. The most I was expecting was a harmless simple Thank you text. Instead, he called the very next moment. We had a brief, general convo for a couple of minutes, I remained calm, acting like I am not needy, desperate or anything and I ended that.

I feel so lost since that moment. I wasn't ready to listen to him, why had he to call?

Now I am back to zero, thinking if I could act differently, saying him that I miss him, I love him, beg him to come back, things I never did, not even when he announced that he wanted to be alone.

 

I 'd like to use NC, LC or whatever contact in order to get him back, I really want us to be back together, I don't want to close the door and make him believe I move on, but I realized that I can't play games, I had managed to be somewhat calm the last days that we had NC and now I am desperate again like the first day...

[hausser]

Good point, but you haven't really been NC, more like LC or NIC. It doesn't make a huge difference to your queastion though, I get what you're saying. I have been strict NC for 4 months with my ex, haven't laid eyes on her, blocked her on FB and changed my number. I know my ex and she would definatley take this as a sign of me not wanting to know an she'd be kind of right.

 

I think the point is, if you get dumped from a serious relationship, attempt to talk things through and they are still adamant, then you have to assume it's a done deal, particularly if you're a male dumpee.

 

It sounds to me as if your ex is far from over you though vel, that's a whole different ball game. For the first month of my NC my number was the same, ex didnt bother so I took the initiative. Do I think she's missing me? Very possibly by now but I'm not taking the risk or chance to find out.

 

I suppose the only read way us strict NC'ers is as has been mentioned to open up some kind of line of communication. This has crossed my mind as blocking someone on FB is a fairly obtuse thing to do, but I am just not up for that potential rejection at this moment in time, NC has healed me more than I sometimes think.

[vel2011]

Good point, but you haven't really been NC, more like LC or NIC. .

 

We broke up 3 months ago - she contacted me a week in to 'see how I was' - I told her I think it's best we don't stay in contact for a long while, but kind of made a conscious decision to reply politely if she initiates, because I knew it was hard for her too.

 

A month in - she tells me she's finding he lack of contact difficult, calls to say she loves me and misses me but knows it's right and breaks down crying. We both agree it would be great to be friends one day if possible - my words were 'maybe in a year or two'!

 

2 months in - she breaks again - asks me if I'm seeing a girl in a picture on fb because she's 'curious', asks me for advice because she needs a person she can 'trust', then writes 'Happy Birthday - big hug xxx' on my facebook wall, same week asks to meet for lunch so she can give me my stuff back.

 

Various other messages and texts inbetween - then the texts the other day and call when she sees me walking past that I noted in the OP.

 

My point from the original question... she's honestly the most gorgeous looking girl I've ever seen anywhere in my life. She could have any guy she wants. She broke up with me 3 months ago because for whatever reason, even though she said she loves me and it's the hardest decision ever, I have to assume she wanted to see what else is out there and see if there's something better. I basically became too needy and boring in her eyes. In a nutshell, I'd be suprised if she's not seeing someone in at least a very casual sense 3 months down the line, although a mutual friend says she's single.

 

So I can't bring myself to start chasing and contacting and lining myself up for more hurt - I'm choosing to tell myself it's over for good, hit the gym, get my confidence back and have ALOT of fun with friends (oh yeah... that was another message - 'glad to see you're having fun and enjoying yourself - looks like I've missed alot of parties').

 

But then I can't bring myself to send the 'don't contact me unless it's to reconcile' line, because her random contact every 3 weeks or so makes me wonder if me living my life, accepting the situation with dignity and self-repect and visibly being very social and 'fun' is making her question her decision. And I don't want to ruin any future chance by banishing her from my life for good, even though my mindset is to expect nothing.

 

The thing is - I can handle the odd exchange of text messages, throwing back a joke to make her laugh here and there, the odd catch up on her news etc. It doesn't really change my situation or how I go about my life. What I wonder is why on earth a girl who makes 'the hardest decision of her life' to break up with you after 2.5 years, after 3 months apart, who knows you were madly in love with them and didn't want it to end, would throw out these pieces of contact? She's an honest and caring person - it's like she just can't resist keeping tabs on me and knowing what I'm up to.

[hausser]

Yeah I had the "see how you are" line too and the friends thing, at that exact point too, a month in. Having read the above I see where you are coming from. You want to get back, you have an inkling she may too, but are wary of getting hurt again, perfectly understandable.

 

But then I can't bring myself to send the 'don't contact me unless it's to reconcile' line, because her random contact every 3 weeks or so makes me wonder if me living my life, accepting the situation with dignity and self-repect and visibly being very social and 'fun' is making her question her decision. And I don't want to ruin any future chance by banishing her from my life for good, even though my mindset is to expect nothing.

 

You don't have to send the "dont contact text". If you playing it nonchalant is not having the desired effect of her coming back, why don't you just start not replying to her texts? It will bother her trust me, this is where I went wrong. My ex was sending me random texts post BU too, about every 5 days usually under the pretext of some banal thing.

 

As you have already summised, if she is "gorgeous" the chances of her not having romantic dalliances are between slim and none. This would explain the month gaps IMO. Obviously she is not over you though, and as again you think my thought is that she still wants to keep tabs on you. And unfortnatley, you are letting her do just that. My advice is try not responding the once. If it makes you feel really uncomfortable you can always text back in a few days.

 

Put it this way, even though it's hard to predict I reckon if she is single, you not responding will really pique her interest. If she is involved with someone, she probably won't be too bothered. I'm not saying enough to come back but enough for her to really question whether breaking up with you was the reight decision. Dumpers who are really truly over their exes are glad that they have moved on, for selfish reasons and because it is in their ex best interests, IME.

[meowmix88]

As you have already summised, if she is "gorgeous" the chances of her not having romantic dalliances are between slim and none. This would explain the month gaps IMO. Obviously she is not over you though, and as again you think my thought is that she still wants to keep tabs on you. And unfortnatley, you are letting her do just that.

 

I have a guy friend who went through what you're describing with his ex, who is now his current girlfriend. After she broke up with him, she would pop up every couple of months, talk about good times and hint at seeing each other/getting back together, then disappear again. She didn't do it because she missed him, but rather so she could get what she wanted, which was control. They are together now, but he has semi-isolated himself from his friends and has to get her permission for everything.

 

I said that to say sometimes people are unsure of what they want and they miss the person, so they randomly keep in contact. But sometimes it's because they want the other person emotionally worn down so they can control them, which is really sad. Either way, keep you wits about you and if it doesn't make you feel good, it's no good.

[hausser]

Yeah that's right meowmix, it's quite common I think I've experienced it too, my ex did it to me. It varies dumper to dumper but the way to counteract it is to not to respond, or at least delay it, again that's where I went wrong.

[meowmix88]

My friend even stopped seeing someone he was interested in because his ex said she missed him. When he told her he missed her too and wanted to try again, she said she didn't miss him, never wanted to be with him again and disappeared. This went on for 5 years! They have been back together for 2 and are having a baby. Best of luck to them, but it makes you think twice if you were in that situation how much you'd really want that person back, especially after they've shown they play games.

[Tanzi]

Thanks for your replies.

 

I don't think I'm missing the point of NC - since the BU I haven;t contacted my ex because I know I need a period of time where I don't give in to temptations to call her when I am missing her or thinking about her, because I know that's the best thing for me to eventually move on and heal as I still want her back as of now. At some point in the future I want to be friends with her if it is possible.

 

I think you are missing the point to an extent. You may be following the rules and you may understand the point of doing them but you ate still making your ex the focus. You are worrying about the effects that NC is having on her and you are aiming to be friends with her. When you are truly over your ex you will be indifferent as to whether you have contact again.

 

That said your concern is a very common one but being as your ex was the one to end the relationship she will know that only she can change the situation. Basically she will be aware the ball is in her court and should she wanted you back she would go all out to get you back. It's not so hard either when you already have light contact like you do.

[hausser]

Basically she will be aware the ball is in her court and should she wanted you back she would go all out to get you back. It's not so hard either when you already have light contact like you do.

 

See I dunno. I see where you're coming from but some dumpers will be potentially receptive to a recon, but be too proud/wary to chance asking, which is kind of what vel was alluding to.

 

I saw a poster on here who was the dumper saying before that had her ex broke NC she would have gladly rekindled the relationship. BUT, perhaps that's the exception not the rule. And, also I'd like to add here that most dumpers unfortunatley do not come back. For all we know vel's ex could be x amount of weeks into a happy new relationship and still contacting him. It's happened.

 

Where vel is going "wrong" IMO is letting her keep tabs on him. She knows you're getting on with things, she's asked you about other women so she obviiously doesn't think you've been holed up pining over her so let her wonder some more dude. Next message she sends ignore! Can't hurt to try!

[playstheblues]

 

I think the point is, if you get dumped from a serious relationship, attempt to talk things through and they are still adamant, then you have to assume it's a done deal, particularly if you're a male dumpee.

.

 

Hausser- just out of interest, why do you say particularly if you are a male dumpee? Is the psychology different if you are a female dumpee?

[hausser]

Good question. At this juncture I would like to say that I said "assume it's a done deal" purely with a view to protecting oneself as opposed to being based on statistical fact. No doubt many relationships were saved by the dumpee not giving up on asking (perhaps begging) but let's be honest, it's not often once it gets to the stage where you have the "serious talk" and still draws a blank. This is where the NC often saves the day in the first few weeks.

 

In answer to your question the reason I said about a male dumpee assuming that this is the end when told it is by the woman, is because frankly, a woman newly out of a relationship coupled with a (female) dumpers mindset of moving on is much more likely to find a new partner in a faster time IMO/IME. Be it merely a string of dates or a new relationship.

 

That's in the assumption that they haven't lined the new guy up already.

 

Most women instinctivley know this. I dunno I guess it's my oft quoted theory that you can get over anyone given enough post BU relationships, be it short term, long term or (even better) a combo of both.

 

Think about it. A woman dumper, convinced that she's better off single, is going to walk down the highstreet say on a post BU shopping trip and get hit on almost immediatley within the first few hours of the BU. Fact. And the opportunities/offer are going to come in thick and fast once word on the street spreads she's single via Facebook etc. Any woman that says men don't hit on them with monotonous regularity is a liar.

 

The male dumpee is going to take weeks to accept it's over, possibly months. The chances are if he's a normal joe, there will be at most a handful of women willing to date and they will have to go through a pretty rigourous courtship ritual. I emphasise "if" he's a normal joe.

 

A woman dumpee is going to have the same offers as the the woman dumper, and sooner or later will take them up and will move on.

 

If you scour the posts on eNA, you will see male dumpers are definatley more prone for being open to reconciling as opposed to women.

 

In short, women have many more opportunites to date than men, which is bound to have an effect on their ability to move on.

[jeepman41]

You haven't gone strict NC, which means no contact of any kind. So right now you are in relationship limbo. She just seems to keep testing the waters without looking for any kind of real commitment. She doesn't want a relationship with you but she seems to want to keep tabs on you. She may be using you for a safety net.