aporia14 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I am 29 and my husband is 45. We've been married for 4 years but it has been a difficult 4 years for us financially. My husband changed careers just when we got married and we relocated to another state but he was not able to find permanent employment until this Sept. Due to the state of the economy my career was on a bit of a stand-still as I had to take an accounting job (I am a paralegal) to pay the bills for almost two of the 4 years, then I was recently laid-off from my recent position as a paralegal. I am interviewing right now and there is a job that seems promising as the hiring managers have basically said that I can have the job if I am willing to accept all the stress that is going to come with it. It is a managerial position which is somthing I do not have on my resume. My husband and I are still in a bit of a financial hole so another income would help a great deal. Unfortunately, this may require us to put-off having a baby. I really want the job but I need to be realistic about what I can handle. Unfortunately, I have ADD and I have been taking Strattera for the past year. Of course I will need to be off the medication at least 3-6 months before getting pregnant, through the pregnancy and while I am breastfeeding. What should I do? Put-off having a baby for another year or two? Should I take the job and talk to my manager about when would be a good time for family planning? Or, try to find another job (I have been looking for 6 months and there are not any paralegal openings within 25 miles of my home. I would have to fall back into accounting or another job with similar transferable skills and certainly much less money.) Link to comment
Fudgie Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I think you should find gainful employment and then think about having a child. Definitely don't try to get pregnant when you're in a financial hole. That's probably the worst thing you could do. Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 And definitely don't discuss family planning with your prospective employer. You don't need to give them any reason whatsoever to not hire you, and the possibility of taking a job and then taking maternity leave might very well be such a reason. Link to comment
aporia14 Posted November 10, 2011 Author Share Posted November 10, 2011 Thank you but I know not to have that discussion during the hiring process. I was thinking to discuss a few months into the position, or maybe close to a year after I've had a feel for the job and the key players. Both my manger and her boss are women with 3 kids each. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I agree with Fudgie. Having a baby now will not help with restarting your career, in fact, it could be the new financial demand that breaks the relationship. Take a good look at where you are and the job prospects. It sounds like you are in a perfect situation to retrain or get supplemental education which will help you stay competitive or move into a different field. Link to comment
turnera Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I didn't have my daughter until I was 31, and she was perfect. People are having babies into their 40s now. Get financially set, pay off all your bills, set up 6 months' worth of income in a savings account, and THEN think about having a child. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 The job is more important at this point in time. However, I have to wonder what your husband wants. You are young and still have time..but he is already 45. Does he have children from a previous relationship? Link to comment
RedDress Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I actually don't even see these timelines as conflicting... maybe I'm confused. Let's say you take the job now. You may want to settle in the position for 3 months or so before going off your meds. Then you have to wait 3-6 months before trying to get pregnant. So... for example... you start now... you go off meds in February or so (wouldn't want to do that during the holidays anyways)... you try in the summer... you usually wait 3 months or so before you even tell them that you are pregnant... at that time, you've been working in the position a year. Perfect! How does taking the job really alter the timeline? By three months? It may take you longer than that to find another position anyways... I don't think it's your job's business at all how you choose to plan your family. I wouldn't consult them. It's part of life. They adjust and adapt to YOU. Link to comment
aporia14 Posted November 10, 2011 Author Share Posted November 10, 2011 The job is more important at this point in time. However, I have to wonder what your husband wants. You are young and still have time..but he is already 45. Does he have children from a previous relationship? Yes, he does have a daughter from his first marriage. She is 16 and will be off to college in 2 years. This is my other concern, if we wait I have a few years to play with but my husband will be close to 50 by the time we have a child. I have a 14 month nepthew and there is no way I will be able to keep up with a toddler when I am 40. I am 29 and I feel absolutely drained of energy when I've had him for several days. His situation is a bit chaotic as his parents are teenagers and they are not raising my nepthew in the most structured environment, which could be reason for my nepthew being such a handful. Link to comment
DN Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Your husband is 45 and although men can have children at any age they still can have difficulties - sperm count is often lower and the 'quality' is not as good. You should do some research into this. Some middle-aged men adapt to fatherhood well and have the patience and energy required to look after babies, toddlers, pre-teens and teens as they themselves start to get older. But many don't, as much as they want to engage fully with their children there can be physical limitations - but the time your child is a teenager he will be nearly or over sixty. That is my age now, and i can tell you it is much easier being a grandfather at that age than a father. Link to comment
aporia14 Posted November 10, 2011 Author Share Posted November 10, 2011 That sounds like a good plan. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Your husband is 45 and although men can have children at any age they still can have difficulties - sperm count is often lower and the 'quality' is not as good. You should do some research into this. Some middle-aged men adapt to fatherhood well and have the patience and energy required to look after babies, toddlers, pre-teens and teens as they themselves start to get older. But many don't, as much as they want to engage fully with their children there can be physical limitations - but the time your child is a teenager he will be nearly or over sixty. That is my age now, and i can tell you it is much easier being a grandfather at that age than a father. I agree with this. This was also a concern a personal concern of mine since my husband is 10 years older than I am. We've discussed how he would feel just getting kids out of the house around 60, etc. I say do as RedDress said and go for the job and do not tell them your personal business. It's not their business. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I agree with what others have said. If you are going for a job, don't tell them of your plans to get pregnant. They will almost certainly not hire you. From a business perspective, I can see why they wouldn't. It's not beneficial to a company for them to hire a person, have them work 3 months, then take 9-12 months off for PAID leave because they got pregnant. then they have to continue to pay you for your leave and find someone to fill in your job. That's why it's important to not discuss matters with an employer. VERY important. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 9-12 months paid leave? Not in the US. You get 6 weeks and any other time you want you have to use vacation/personal time that you've accrued. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Maybe it depends where you work. My advisor/professor took off about 6 months of paid maternity leave a while ago because she gave birth to her son. She told me that it was all maternity leave and the school paid for it completely. She hadn't been working that long either, she's one of the "newer" faculty. This is a private university though. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Actually in most companies (larger than a small business type) it has to be 12 weeks off (but only 6 weeks paid time off) where they have to let you take the additional 6 weeks - not as vacation time. OP I would take the job and postpone the baby making for about a year or so. Agree with those who gave that advice especially about not sharing any of this information with your employer! Link to comment
Fudgie Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 How much maternity leave time is required by law? Just curious. Anyway OP, I would definitely try to get employed and then work for a while to get some money saved up. Link to comment
DN Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 How much maternity leave time is required by law? Just curious. Anyway OP, I would definitely try to get employed and then work for a while to get some money saved up.Depends where you live. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I would live in the here and now. If you need money and you are offered a job right now, take it. It doesn't mean you have to stay there forever. Should I take the job and talk to my manager about when would be a good time for family planning? ^Never, ever, ever ,ever do this. It is not your employer's decision when you can have a family. Don't discuss any of your family plans with them or you will likely be discriminated against. I see so many women be too brutally honest about their personal life and their plans to their employers. It does no good. Also, it is ILLEGAL for a prospective employer to ask you whether or not you have or plan to have children, in a job interview. Keep that in mind. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 OP, if you live in the U.S. , familairze yourself with the FMLA link removed and eligibility criteria. If your company offers supplemental insurance, like AFLAC (which pays for some materinity leave) then take it....but keep in mind you can't file a claim for 10 months (they do that so they can prevent women who are ALREADY pregnant from buying the maternity insurance) Also, even if you're not a mom yet, I strongly recommend the magazine "Working Mother". Check out their list of top 100 mother-friendly companies link removed Link to comment
rocio Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 It's always tough for us women to balance career with kids. There really never is a "good" time to do this. I showed up at my first professional job pregnant (although I was able to hide it for the first 3 months). At the time, we didn't even have a car, let alone a home and savings. The second time I got pregnant, I accepted a promotion at the same time. It was a bit awkward. But really, there is no perfect time to do it. There's always going to be a new job or new opportunity or exciting project to be working on. Maybe for now work on prepping your body for pregnancy. Start taking folic acid, cut down on drinking (if you drink), cut out processed foods, etc. That's the first step toward getting pregnant. Also work on any emotional/mental health/stress issues that you need to deal with. (We all have them somewhere in our life.) Also take this time to prepare yourselves financially - pay off any debt you may have and start some savings, if you don't already have it. After a few months, see whether you're feeling ready to go off the meds and start the process toward trying to conceive. Link to comment
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