Parents Practically Forcing Me to Break Up--Advice Please

[radishearrings]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating about 10 months now and everything is going great. We are two years apart, me being 19 and him being 21, and we both dorm at the same college. He is the best man I have ever met and treats me very well. He is a gentleman, very affectionate, understanding, and we share common interests. We can talk to each other about everything like best friends do. He respects me by giving me space, letting me have time outside of our relationship to do other things, and he does not get jealous when I am with girls or guys. And I do the exact same things for him--so far there are no problems in our relationship whatsoever.

 

The only obstacle I'm facing now are my parents. They COMPLETELY disapprove of him for a number of reasons:

 

1) They think he is unattractive an ugly, and they don't even want to look at him. In my eyes, he is handsome, and I know plenty of my friends that even liked him before we started dating.

 

2) He is studying photography and aspires to become a fashion photographer, and I am studying to become a medical doctor. The first problem that arises from this difference is that they believe that he won't be good enough for me because:

-They don't think his salary will support me

 

-He chooses photography because he is lazy, especially after failing engineering school. My parents think that any career in the arts is for people that don't work hard and aren't smart. He only completed one year of engineering school, but he discovered that his passion wasn't in engineering but photography, which was something that he always loved but didn't consider a career in before. When you see him, you will know how much he loves doing what he does, and I KNOW that he is only doing it because he loves it. If he really were a lazy and dumb person, he would never get accepted into engineering school or even bother pursuing something after failing it (I understand how hard science and math are--I'm struggling too).

 

-My parents believe that since he wants to go into fashion photography, he will be looking at beautiful women all day and not see me as the same anymore. They believe that he will cheat on me and have affairs while I'm working hard at the hospital as a doctor (they also assume he's dating me because I would be providing him financial security).

 

As for the third reason, I've already considered it, and based on what I know about his personality and what he does, I don't believe he will cheat on me. Before he started dating me, he's already taken pictures of friends as models, nudes, and he even watches porn sometimes. I am totally fine with it. I know he's doing it for his career, and as for the porn thing, we both share the idea that it is not necessarily bad and that it's not "cheating." We can even both openly talk about if we find someone cute or attractive, but we trust each other to not do anything. I don't feel jealous or insecure about those things, because he treats me the same regardless, and that's why I have faith in him.

 

What makes the problem serious though is that my parents are threatening to stop paying for my college tuition. They even told me that if I don't listen to them they won't care about anything I do anymore, and they may cut me out of their life. I've heard of students that are able to support themselves, and I do have a job, but being someone that's always relied on their parents for everything, this is quite scary. And it's not just this that's upsetting, but I also feel horrible for disappointing my parents. They are very hurt that I am disobeying them and they are afraid for my future. It hurts me that I hurt them, but I also believe that if I break up with him I will be extremely unhappy. When I give advice to people, I always tell them that they are in control of their lives and they should stay with the one they love. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. I just want them to accept him, more than anything.

 

PS-My boyfriend doesn't know anything about this yet--he thinks that my mom likes him. I'm so afraid to tell him these things and the possibility of him telling me to break up because he doesn't want me to be hurt.

 

It just sucks that this perfect relationship has to have something go against it for no good reasons. Should I choose my parents, or my boyfriend? And what should I tell my boyfriend?

 

(Apologies for the length and thanks for your patience and opinions)

[In the Dark]

I've been in his shoes when I was younger.

 

I was in Music school and regardless of becoming a music tutor at the age of 19 while still in my first year I was simply not good enough.

I had to be an Aspiring All black Rugby player studying for a degree and has a job in the air force as a fighter pilot.

 

We still lasted for a couple of years though.

But it was not easy.

 

Think of it this way.

Are your parents dating him?

 

If you love him and trust him, you won't let anyone come between you.

 

How many times have we heard of disliking the in-laws?

[Firiel]

When I was in college, my parents decided they hated my boyfriend too. From what you described, the reasons your parents don't like your boyfriend are similarly shallow to the reasons my parents didn't like mine-- he was poor, wasn't going to school, was from a different background than they were... that kind of thing.

 

It was tough, but I knew he was a great guy so I kept dating him, even when they threatened to stop paying for my college (luckily, they never followed through with that). We've been married for a year now, and I've never regretted my decision, even if it has meant losing my relationship with my family. I can't say whether your boyfriend is the right one for you or not, but if he is, I bet he'll be worth all the grief your family gives you over him.

[turnera]

Just don't talk to your parents about your love life.

[Miss Kitty]

Firiel, congratulations on your marriage and that incredibly sweet story. That was well stated.

 

I can relate to your situation. I know how hard it can be, especially when they use money to try to control your actions. I was engaged to a man that my mom hated to the depths of her soul and it was hell. Luckily, I found out what a piece of crap he was before we got married.

 

Now I have found a great guy. My mom likes him so far, but she doesn't know the real him. Once she gets to know him, she won't like him either. We already had one instance with that. But you know what, this guy is so great, that I can deal with whatever my family throws at me for it. I know from before how bad it can get, but for the right one, it's worth it.

 

Also, think about this. The reasons your parents have seem shallow (he's not good looking enough?). It sounds to me like they won't be happy with any guy you bring home. Do you really want to lose him for the small chance that you'll find a man that you love AND your disapproving family loves AND that loves you back?

 

When it all comes down to the end of it, you have to ask yourself if you are in love with that man. More importantly, are you so in love that nothing is worth losing him over? Do you really think that you'll be happier dating someone that you don't love like you do him just because your parents like the other guy better? It's your life. YOU are the one who has to live with your husband every day for the rest of your life, not your parents. You'll see him more than you will them. Can you really live without this man?

[RedDress]

I agree with turnera. If you are living in a dorm... why talk to them about your love life at all? I simply don't think it needs to be an issue. You have school to finish... I hope you aren't thinking about marriage right now... Just don't bring this guy around.

 

It sucks... but it is what it is.

[DN]

These guys were photographers and did reasonably well removed[/i]link removed

[DylanNotorious]

Are your parents really that offended on how ugly he is? This is just new to me that people's looks can be so utterly offensive.

[Snny]

What makes the problem serious though is that my parents are threatening to stop paying for my college tuition. They even told me that if I don't listen to them they won't care about anything I do anymore, and they may cut me out of their life. I've heard of students that are able to support themselves, and I do have a job, but being someone that's always relied on their parents for everything, this is quite scary. And it's not just this that's upsetting, but I also feel horrible for disappointing my parents. They are very hurt that I am disobeying them and they are afraid for my future. It hurts me that I hurt them, but I also believe that if I break up with him I will be extremely unhappy.

 

Hey OP! I was in the same boat as you when I met my fiance in college. My parents were so against me dating him because he was unattractive (due to being apart of a different race), floated around in college (he's now going for a second degree in med trade school), and he was not a full fledged US citizen. It was very hurtful and I went through some hard times like you did. But it didn't stop me from being together.

 

One of my sister's friends "came out of the closet" recently and parents threatened to cut off her college tuition too because she had a lesbian girlfriend. Messed up right, especially when we live in the 21st century. The friend could not talk about her relationship around family and waited until college was done and over with.... but it didn't stop her either

 

Your parents will get over it and once you finish college, they will run out of things to control you with. Don't let them push you over the edge. Photographers can make excellent money on the side, especially if they do wedding photos (I swear to god that photos, floral, and catering are the most EXPENSIVE things on a wedding bill and are must have's). Engineering school doesn't guarantee you a job these days and is competitive too... so your parents really don't know what the Hell they are talking about and have no right to judge him by his occupation choice since it's not their business. Seriously though: hang in there! Like one of the posters said, just don't talk about your relationship around them until you are finished with school.

[catfeeder]

You're learning the hard way that adult discretion means making clear and useful choices about what you share--and with whom.

 

Stop discussing your BF with your parents. They will learn over time that if they abuse your trust you will no longer share certain information.

 

Do not insult your BF with garbage from your parents. He can do nothing about it but suffer unnecessary injury.

 

Nobody else is living your love life but you. Become discreet, and you'll thank yourself later.