How many red flags are too many?

[Cadence44]

I've been talking with this guy who is a couple of hours away from me. We haven't met in person but we might meet up in the coming weeks. I really like talking to him. When I started talking to him he said he's looking for a cute and caring woman with a good heart. I believe that's what he THINKS he's looking for, but given some other information I have to wonder.

 

This guy has a metric s***-ton of baggage. He married and had kids when he was barely out of high school (the kids are almost grown up now). He and his ex divorced after a few years and he got custody of the kids due to his ex's use of illegal drugs. He said he went on to do what he thought was logical and met a woman with a kid of her own and married her. She was bipolar and had eating disorders and they eventually divorced. Then today he was telling me about a short relationship he had with a woman who ended up stealing things from his house. They broke up 2.5 years ago. He hasn't mentioned any exes that seem emotionally normal. And I truly think these women are off-kilter because he's not the type who would say these things to put the blame for a failed relationship on an ex. He's very compassionate and responsible.

 

I'm a stable person and I'm also very cautious about getting into relationships. Should I be running away from this guy? I know nothing's written in stone, but I want to know if I'm wasting my time. Like it or not, he seems to attract and be attracted to some degree of crazy and I'm pretty damn stable. Does his relationship history point to something being wrong with him? What if I meet him and we're into each other but he eventually finds me boring because I'm not bringin' the crazy and the drama like his exes did?

[velvette]

hey, you never know till you try! he could just be one unlucky dude. if there's no other reason for you guys not to date, then I say give it a shot!

[Fudgie]

He sounds like the sort who is very empathetic and compassionate. Crazy, unstable people seek compassionate people because more normal, less compassionate people would see that they are insane and unfixable, and wouldn't give them the time of day.

 

I also sort of attract "crazies" but I no longer have tolerance for them so I've stopped that pattern for myself. As long as HE is emotionally with it and logical and rational, I would give him a chance.

[Ariel85]

The biggest red flag that you're not seeing here, is that he's blaming the women for being the messed up ones.

 

I'm quite sure if you spoke to them, they'd have a different bent on history.

 

Anyone who presents with story upon story about tragic relationships, women who done them wrong, women who are crazy, women who are unstable - are frankly, full of it.

 

The common denominator is HIM.

 

I'd be done.

[Capricorn3]

I tend to look for a common denominator of all the red flags. If it keeps coming back to only one, then I avoid.

[Cadence44]

Haha, of the replies so far every single one of them has been something that has been bouncing through my mind. I try to be smart about who I date, and after he told me about the more recent ex stealing things from his house I panicked a little bit and told him that work was too busy and I had to go.

 

He said he saw her Facebook profile over the weekend and it said something about her being pregnant and posting about who her real friends are (because apparently she's a teenager) and her relationship status switched to single. He said he felt bad for her. So, yeah, this woman steals from him and they're still FB friends and he still has empathy for her? He's either a saint or a sucker.

 

My biggest concern is whether he's seen the error of his ways.

[Capricorn3]

Maybe this will help. A reminder of your words: "This guy has a metric s***-ton of baggage." Big enough red flag?

[Batya33]

My concern is why he's oversharing all this trainwreck/drama stuff even before you have met in person...

 

And - "cute and caring woman with a good heart?" that's pretty broad/generic, no?

[Mesemene]

Well, you've been presented with two possibilities:

 

That he has a sympathetic/empathic nature and attracts the nutcases who see the bright green "SUCKER" stamped on him.

 

Or that he has issues and is creating drama about these girls to make himself seem in the right.

 

Sure, either is possible. The more time you spend with him though, I'm betting one of the two will seem the more likely option.

 

A possible thing to keep an eye for - in the case of the first option, him being a sucker - hope he's not like one of my exes and has enough codependency issues to tolerate what he shouldn't, and to continue offering support where it should've been cut off long before.

[abitbroken]

I would agree with batya. I think its appropriate for him to tell you that he was married twice, and that split with his ex and that she had a drug problem to ease your mind over them breaking up because he cheated. I think it speaks volumes that he ended up with the children. The drug thing could have just been factual info. But I think talking about the last relationship is TMI. It didn't need to be mentioned yet, or he could have just stated that it didn't work. I think he could be an unlucky dude, but I also think the issue here might be that he could be worried about trusting someone new, but you won't know until you meet him.

 

I will say that my ex portrayed himself as unlucky. the girl in high school rejected him due to ethnicity, he had a girlfriend cheat on him, found out another woman he was with was actually cheating with him on her boyfriend, and the list goes on. Maybe i felt sorry that all happened but then I realized later when he was so rotten to me, he would have another story about how he was innocent and another woman did him wrong just because she wouldn't put up with the abuse.

 

I would treat carefully. when you meet him, if you do, pay attention to how he treats neutral women (wait staff, valets, etc,) in public also, and do NOT move quickly. he could be guilty of jumping into relationships too quickly.

 

Some may say i am cursed because of my bad divorce, but sometimes i think everyone has a nasty relationship at some point, but its the one who have nasty relationship over nasty relationship that worry me.

[Cadence44]

Well, you've been presented with two possibilities:

 

That he has a sympathetic/empathic nature and attracts the nutcases who see the bright green "SUCKER" stamped on him.

 

Or that he has issues and is creating drama about these girls to make himself seem in the right.

 

Sure, either is possible. The more time you spend with him though, I'm betting one of the two will seem the more likely option.

 

A possible thing to keep an eye for - in the case of the first option, him being a sucker - hope he's not like one of my exes and has enough codependency issues to tolerate what he shouldn't, and to continue offering support where it should've been cut off long before.

 

I really think it's the first one. I understand that mental illness is serious, but I have little tolerance for someone who will take advantage of another's kindness. If someone stole from me, I'd show them the door and wish them a nice life. I sure as heck wouldn't be FB buddies and feel bad for them when their life takes a turn for the worse. I guess that's where the codependency that you brought up comes into play.

 

I'm way ahead of myself of course. We might not even be attracted to one another in person. I just like to know what I'm getting into and I think it doesn't look very good with this guy. I was already concerned about him having been married twice and after he told me about this more recent GF I started to wonder if this guy ever learns.

[Cadence44]

My concern is why he's oversharing all this trainwreck/drama stuff even before you have met in person...

 

And - "cute and caring woman with a good heart?" that's pretty broad/generic, no?

 

Yes, the oversharing is a bit ridiculous. What does he expect me to say - "Oh, it's so great you're so nice to these people and seem to lack boundaries"?

 

And I did paraphrase on his description of what he said he wanted, but not by much. And the way he said it was something like "At this point in my life, I'd like to meet someone...". Like it was out of exasperation or something.