tinybob Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 noticing or glancing is fine. if you think he is really staring too long or oogling, then maybe that could be an issue. but, full disclosure as a guy, we really look at every woman we see! sorry! Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Look is fine. Looking is being observant and aware of your surroundings. Ogling on a daily basis is not, especially if you are in the car or with your wife/gf. Link to comment
qwertyukl Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 When we were watching a film, my guy impressed me by being able to tell me what one of the female characters real name was (she wasnt a well known one) and when I asked how did he know he said "a guys got to know who to google for good w*nking material" then he proceeded to list off other women he googles for this purpose. I found it so incredible hurtful and he couldn't understand why I got so upset. So when I said to him "how would feel if I listed off all the men I like to fantasize about when you are not around?". He agreed that it was hurtful when I then proceeded to tell him MY list. Perhaps I'm sounding really insecure, and yes, maybe I am. But I do believe that you should treat others how you wish to be treatred and if you know something would upset you, then surely its just plain thoughtless and disrespectful to do that to someone you love and care about? Link to comment
dan10 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 i hope its ok if i use this story as an example.... while yes i agree that maybe it isnt a great idea to list off all the girls that a guy is w*nking to, to his girlfriend... but to be honest, i dont think he did anything wrong or could have made the situation better by doing something else. when you asked how he knew her name you opened that door, and then he was honest. so now he basically got a slap for being honest and open with his girlfriend. then if you think about it, what were his other options to say at that point? he either tells the truth or he can lie or he can go neutral and say "ehhhh... you dont really want to know" which you obviously didnt. however if he had said that would the first thought to cross a girls mind be "oh ok" and drop it or "wait why dont i want to know and what is he hiding?" this is an example of what guys know as traps. there is no way out of them without it being a negative experience. and i'm not saying that girls set them up on purpose all the time because that was clearly not the case in this story. but he was still trapped after you asked him how he knew her name. and then he continued being open and honest about what he does when you arent around, and you got hurt and upset. that tells him that now he cannot be honest and open with his girlfriend because she will be hurt by the truth. slap number 2. then on top of all of that, the girlfriend in the situation thought it would be a good idea to drag him down to her hurt level by listing off guys she fantasizes about? that just sounds like his girlfriend is trying to get back at him for making a mistake. there's a third slap to a boyfriend. guys have this information in their heads, guys do talk with other girls (especially ones that they are working with), and other girls will crush on most girl's boyfriends. that stuff is not secret knowledge. its out there and a lot of people know it. there just comes a time after 2 years with someone that you need to say "ok i trust that you wont do anything wrong to me so just let me know where you are and who you are with and i wont care" then you have to not care. an insecure girl can kill a relationship (same with an insecure guy) and you obviously care about him very much. unless he is deliberately hiding things from you and sneaking around behind your back and lieing to you... you have to stop worrying. this stuff has been floating around in your head for a long time now (i'm guessing based on what i've read) and if it stays in there to much longer you will subconsciously start acting on it. he will see you as getting paranoid and intolerable and the relationship will be over. I really think you need to let this situation go. he cant really distance himself from her because they work together. and as he has probably already thought about, saying anything to her before she makes an obvious over the top move on him can cause problems for him at work. which is not what you want either right? he's kind of stuck in the middle of "do i want problems with my girlfriend or my career?" dont make him make that choice. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 *Everyone* checks out other people...it's natural. If I see a nice looking ass walk by my eyes can't help themselves but to look. Does it mean I love or am sexually attracted to my girlfriend/wife less because of it? Heck no! My ex was extremely insecure about herself and I remember while in bed she kept bringing up "Enrique Iglesias" and how hot he was. She was doing it to "get back at me" for being insecure about herself...she decided to passively-agressively try to make me insecure about myself! Also one time we were out on a date and she just said "Hey (my name), that's a really good looking guy!". I was * * * really did you just say that? Sometimes people say things because of their own self-esteem issues. In the case of your boyfriend OBVIOUSLY people are going to be attracted to Celebs, simply because they know it cannot ever happen and it's just a fantasy. Doesn't mean they'd ever act on it! I do agree that he wasn't thinking of how it would make you feel...but hey just accept the fact that there are better looking people than you are in life...there ALWAYS is. That doesn't mean that he likes you any less! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 I think her bf could have found a hundred different ways to tell a white lie to save her feelings and not make the gross, classless (IMO) remark he did. I am sure he would have found a way to do that in front of a female sibling, his mother, or some other female he was close to (or in a situation that called for polite behavior). I don't think it's natural to gawk at people because that is a deliberate choice and since most people don't gawk at other people when they know it's completely inappropriate (i.e .at work, in front of one's grandmother, etc) then it's just further proof that it's a deliberate choice. And that choice in front of an SO is tacky and classless unless the couple feel comfortable behaving that way -I'm sure for some people it's a turn on. Link to comment
dan10 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 I think her bf could have found a hundred different ways to tell a white lie to save her feelings and not make the gross, classless (IMO) remark he did. I am sure he would have found a way to do that in front of a female sibling, his mother, or some other female he was close to (or in a situation that called for polite behavior). I don't think it's natural to gawk at people because that is a deliberate choice and since most people don't gawk at other people when they know it's completely inappropriate (i.e .at work, in front of one's grandmother, etc) then it's just further proof that it's a deliberate choice. And that choice in front of an SO is tacky and classless unless the couple feel comfortable behaving that way -I'm sure for some people it's a turn on. there's another good point. you just said that her boyfriend should have lied to her so that her feelings wont be hurt. where exactly does the line get drawn between a harmless white lie to save someones feelings and a non harmless white lie to save someones feelings? it would be just as easy for me to say "no sweetheart i would never cheat on you" as it would have been for him to say "i saw her name on the box" but a lie is still a lie. if i cheat on my SO i can easily justify lieing to her about it as me being a nice guy and saving her feelings from being hurt and causing her all sorts of undue hardship. but that is not how most people see it. the line between white lie and flat out lie is very fine if it can even be found. and as far as different scenarios dictating what is completely inappropriate.... my grandmother used to point out girls for me to gawk at before she died, my boss and coworkers gawk at girls all the time when they come in. we obviously dont let them catch us but the girls stare at guy customers and the guys stare at girl customers. if gawking wasnt natural then peacocks wouldnt have bright colorful tails, and many other animals would not have all the flashy stuff they have to attract a mate. its completely natural to gawk at and want many different partners for a man. nature built our bodies that way and it had millions of years to make us that way. and to be completely truthful in most larger mammals its the girls who spend a bunch of time gawking at the guys and then the guys just walk up and have sex with the female. humans are all backwards and mixed up. if you try to make standards of living that violate a person's natural instincts there will always be problems. just because humans can build bigger and stronger weapons and shields then most animals doesnt mean we are that much different on the deepest level of our instincts. so for everyone that has a problem with people looking at other people, i want you to try something real quick for me. take the specific behavior you dont like and apply it to different animals that are similar to us (ie. gorillas, dogs, gazelle, lions, whales ect.) and see how much worse the action seems compared to them. if you know about the animal's sexual behaviors then much of what people do seems very harmless and like they are doing nothing at all. its just a matter of perspective Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 In my opinion a white lie in that situation would have been the classy, mature thing to do. I'm not going to give my opinion on any other white lie because that's not relevant to this topic. Thanks for sharing your opinions on human behavior. My specific opinion is the same -that gawking at other women in front of one's SO is tacky and disrespectful unless she is comfortable with it or gets turned on by it. It's not a dealbreaker if there's a sincere apology and it happens rarely but if it were more often than that it would be a dealbreaker for me particularly since I was looking for marriage and family -I know my husband would not act that way anyway but certainly doesn't want to raise his son to believe it's appropriate to gawk at female strangers in that context (and even not in that context ,depending on the situation -I know I've felt scared being gawked at by men as I walked down the street at night, for example). (and the other way around as far as women checking out men although I think it's less likely that it would scare a man to be gawked at!) You are right -it is a matter of perspective - there are many people who would be fine with it and that's what's so great about the world - there's someone for everyone. I have no interest in changing my perspective on this particular behavior because I think my perspective is healthy, thoughtful and sensitive. Link to comment
Love1336 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 It all really depends to me how he check out a girl. If he's breaking his neck while holding your hand, and by breaking neck, stop walking to check out a girl's a$$. I say RED FLAG! And flipped out, telling him how you feel, however if he's all "gentle" a quick look then that's okay. Because he's gonna look, people are sexy, girls do dress a certain way that will appear to him, doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. Just makes him a man! ;D Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 if he gets a erection by looking at some other people's boobs..is this purely and only a biological thing too? Link to comment
dan10 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 if he gets a erection by looking at some other people's boobs..is this purely and only a biological thing too? yes. erections are not something a guy can control in the slightest unless he starts thinking about bleach. and knowing how many guy's minds work even bleach can somehow give us an erection. if you stay up all night and watch him (i dont know if you 2 are sleeping in the same bed at night or not) but if you watch him all night long he should get an erection 2 or 3 times while he's sleeping. if he doesnt then he has ED and thats a different story. but normal guys get erections several times a night. are you going to be upset with him because he may be dreaming of other girls when it is also just as likely he's having no dreams at all? i can tell you from experience that i can be at the dog park alone sitting on the bench with no one else around and it'll just come up for no reason. erections just happen with men. we cant control it and the best we can do is try our best to hide it from everyone around. if he is staring for a couple of minutes trying to get it up thats something to worry about. but if you just happen to notice it and he's acting like it isnt there it probably means that his body is saying "hey i'm ready to get someone pregnant whenever you are" and so it pops up. i think you are reading into everything he is doing to much. he's been honest about it.... at least from what i remember of this thread. and to the best of my knowledge hasnt lied about what he is doing where he is or who he's with right? i know this would be better put in a new thread as it is off the topic of guys looking at girls and it is the last i will mention it on this one... but i'm starting to wonder a little more why you dont trust him, instead of why he doesnt deserve to be trusted.... Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 hey dan,i have to say thanks for you replys they make lots of sense. im not sure f im reading it too much..but i havent got much relationship experience and my ex is completely different than him (regarding this) so i just dont know if i should worry or my ex is a minority..lol when you say i dont trust him..do you mean i dont trust him physically cheating,or emotional affair? the first one, i do trust him on this. i never think he will really tap a hot stranger. emotionally however..i think it can happen to anyone and it's not even counted as cheating but is as sucky.. lastly about your off the topic question..i guess he is honest generally..but "hasnt lied about what he is doing where he is or who he's with"? im pretty sure every guy lies about it once in a while. white lies of course. when he says he needs to go to work early,or will come back late cuz of work, 90% of time yes. 10% he's spending time with his mates or doing any other stuff but working.(i dont have any problem with that though) also once he got off work extremely late (10pm) he didnt mention that girl co-worker was there talking to him too (she wasnt working,just there to hang,only two of them). Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 if he gets a erection by looking at some other people's boobs..is this purely and only a biological thing too? If he's doing more than noticing or a quick glance then he is choosing to get turned on. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 xyzzzz, while it may be true that your boyfriend is probably a little crass, I think the larger issue here relates to your history of issues surrounding your self-confidence and ability to trust people. You've posted quite a few threads this year with the same theme. I mean, you just need to look at your thread titles to get the idea: am i too clingy? we just spend 3 hrs together per day (we live together) does he really have that much work,or he doesnt want to go home? this girl talks to my bf a lot... am i wrong for being annoyed at bf social too much? im too easy to get jealous and worry that my bf's working with hot girls does this girl like my bf? how do you keep confident when there are so many attractive girls out there? Etc. Until you overcome the larger problem you're probably going to be plagued by these self-doubts no matter who you're with. Link to comment
dan10 Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 i'm sorry to be so blunt about this but i'm watching you start to go down a road that is going to keep you from getting the help you want. if i have learned anything from these forums at all (and i still have problems implementing it) is that you cannot rationalize your stance or get defensive about it. and from your last post here i can see that you are starting to do what i usually do. your ex is a minority, most guys (at least the vast majority where i live) check out other girls it doesnt mean anything other then they have eyes and there happens to be a girl walking by. i dont really believe you when you say that you trust him physically. if you did trust him then the thought wouldnt have crossed your mind that i was thinking about him being physically unfaithful. and all of these things are just my opinion they may be right i may be wrong you will have to decide what is true but this is just what it looks like from my end of the internet. it seems more like you dont think he would put in the effort to get another girl or that he couldnt "tap a hot stranger" instead of you just trust that he wont want to. as for emotionally.... if you are having all these issues with him and not trusting him and who he's with and all that stuff.... are you really there for him emotionally? does he feel like when he's had a bad day at work you can be the first one he comes to talk to without fear of any repercussions from you? or does he think that you will end up getting jealous or something and then him ending up having a bad night on top of a bad day? actions taken out of fear more often then not prompt whatever the person fears will happen to happen. all i'm saying with that is, if he sees or senses all this doubt in you it may be what is driving him to go and spend time with this other girl. and as far as these "white lies" that would be throwing up a huge red flag for me.... if you dont care that he goes out with his mates why does he feel that he needs to hide it from you? there were studies done after world war 2 on how humans perceive what is the truth and what isnt. they found out that if something is repeated enough times no matter if it is true or false people will start to believe it. and there have been killers who pass lie detector tests because they told themselves so many times they didnt do it that they actually believed they didnt. i think you should do the same thing. obviously not kill people but every time you have a thought that he might be doing something you dont want him to be doing tell yourself over and over and over that he isnt until your mind falls upon something else and you forget about it. then as soon as you see him run up and give him a huge hug and kiss. its just a mental game to play with yourself but it really works. you can convince yourself that he isnt doing anything. and so far i havent read anything that would make me think he is doing something wrong other then those white lies. but i'm getting way off topic here so if you want to talk about this more start a new thread and link it for me Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 I think it's pretty simple -there's a wide range of comfort zones, boundaries and standards. A wide range that is perfectly "normal". If she screamed her head off in public if she saw that he'd noticed a woman walking by, that (IMO) would not be normal but perhaps it would be if he had cheated on her recently, etc. There are extremes but so much of it is a gray area. I think human beings notice each other - sometimes it is sexually driven, sometimes it is not, sometimes it is subconscious or accidental. I think most people are ok with their SO noticing other people around them. Most of the people I know would not be ok with their SO gawking at another person especially in a lusty way or making pointed comments about those people to their SO on a regular basis. I think in most healthy relationships there are occasions where a white lie is necessary to act in a sensitive, kind or considerate way. I don't think that impedes closeness -to the contrary I think it increases trust and mutual respect because you know that if your partner tells a white lie it is with your best interests at heart. I don't think it's necessary to let it all hang out at all times to have a close relationship. I do find that some people use "I was just being honest" or "we have such an open relationship" to be lazy about considering someone else's feelings before blurting something out that is needlessly hurtful. Link to comment
greywolf Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 I understand what you mean about how she was the one that asked; however, there could have been many ways to answer that question. He could have simply said that he looked up her name once because he thinks she's attractive. Mentioning that he knows all these girl's names so that he can masturbate to them was tactless. Link to comment
katycloud Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 If he's doing more than noticing or a quick glance then he is choosing to get turned on. There is definitely a difference between a quick glance (which I think is fine) and staring (which is not on, IMO). Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 If he's doing more than noticing or a quick glance then he is choosing to get turned on. well i was wondering if a glance can get a man turned on too..like dan said even sitting on a park bench he can get turned on by no reason.. Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 you are very right about the first point: i believe he wont physically cheat on me cuz he knows it's wrong and he will control himself..but not cuz he doesnt want too. every time when he goes "hmm this body is do-able",from my end it just feels that he wants to do it. but he wont put the actual effort cuz it's wrong to cheat. That's what mainly bothers me. are you saying he doesnt want to? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 Sure someone can get turned on by accident or randomly. That's not what we're discussing here. If a man said to me "this body is do-able" and it wasn't meant as a bad joke (if it was I would let it go, once and tell him it wasn't funny to me) I would be out of there. Would he say that in front of his mother or grandmother? Why do you deserve less respect than his mother? Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 Sure someone can get turned on by accident or randomly. That's not what we're discussing here. If a man said to me "this body is do-able" and it wasn't meant as a bad joke (if it was I would let it go, once and tell him it wasn't funny to me) I would be out of there. Would he say that in front of his mother or grandmother? Why do you deserve less respect than his mother? no he wont say those words in front of me..but they are in his head..same thing...still makes me feel he wants to? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 no he wont say those words in front of me..but they are in his head..same thing...still makes me feel he wants to?[/quote No it's not the same thing at all. when you choose not to express your momentary thoughts because it might hurt the other person that is a form of caring and being sensitive/thoughtful. If people weren't tempted there'd be no need for marriage vows. If he is gawking at other women that would not be cool with me and I wouldn't try to rationalize it or psychoanalyze it -I feel comfortable with my boundaries in that context. What are your boundaries? Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 my boundaries would be no cheating no emotional affair no flirting to other girls , of ocurse no staring. but he doesnt need to break boundaries to make me upset..if he got tempted,by other girls, it would make me upset..lol Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 OP: Would we be correct if we said that you have a very low self-esteem and you are very insecure? Link to comment
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