does your guy check out other girls when he's with you?

[Batya33]

i probs wont go through his phone for this. i tend to over-think..and am afraid i'll get paranoid or suspicious when i see his message saying "hey beautiful how have you been" and start to imagine the some horrible scenario and got obssesed over this,while there may actually be nothing.and then even if he explains all the truth i wont know what to believe and what not..eventally i will struggle in an emotional hell..

another thing is i do believe he wont cheat. there hasnt been any women who i feel may have something with my bf yet.

 

So do you believe he wouldn't act on a temptation to cheat or do you simply believe that he hasn't yet encountered a woman he is attracted to who also wants to be with him?

[xyzzzz]

So do you believe he wouldn't act on a temptation to cheat or do you simply believe that he hasn't yet encountered a woman he is attracted to who also wants to be with him?

well to be honest i dont know..and it also depends on how he would act when such woman had come into our life..

[Batya33]

well to be honest i dont know..and it also depends on how he would act when such woman had come into our life..

 

You're basically waiting then for the other shoe to drop - you believe that if the right woman came along and he had the opportunity to be with her he would cheat. That's very different than believing that your SO's values are to be loyal and faithful in a committed relationship.

[jennysilver]

a glance at a beatiful woman is normal. if he gawks or is rude and insensitive about it, then that is a problem.

[xyzzzz]

Batya physically cheating but I believe he may actually fall for her emotiinally instead of stayin faithful in our relationship.(while he may not do anything with her)havin said that i dont think its very easy to happen cuz i believe he is very contend with me right now. however being purely physically tempted is very easy and no I dont even want him to be tempted i want him to only fancy me..ya know

[Batya33]

I think it's unrealistic to expect someone to never find someone else attractive - or to have a fleeting temptation to be with another person (I never have but I can see where it could possibly happen to a human being in a committed relationship and the person would remain faithful). I would not be in a relationship with someone where I felt that there was potential for him to fall for someone else - the "content with me right now" wouldn't feel secure enough for me. Does it for you?

[xyzzzz]

I think it's unrealistic to expect someone to never find someone else attractive - or to have a fleeting temptation to be with another person (I never have but I can see where it could possibly happen to a human being in a committed relationship and the person would remain faithful). I would not be in a relationship with someone where I felt that there was potential for him to fall for someone else - the "content with me right now" wouldn't feel secure enough for me. Does it for you?

once get tempted then there comes the posibility to fall for that person..dont you think?

if you say being tempted is normal then that means such posibility is normal,and then how can you be ok with temptation but not the posibility?

also, i say "content with me right now" because i guess anything can happen and you cant predict or be certain about future

[xyzzzz]

to explain myself further..i know people notice other attractive people. im all fine with it, when they are only "noticing". no imagination no fantasizing no temptation. my bf is doing it more frequent than usual people would do and sometimes even tell me who is hot. so im just wondering if he's doing more than just noticing. does he imagine them naked?

today he just downloaded a strip poker game on phone..is that something totally normal for guys and i should totally ignore?

[Batya33]

to explain myself further..i know people notice other attractive people. im all fine with it, when they are only "noticing". no imagination no fantasizing no temptation. my bf is doing it more frequent than usual people would do and sometimes even tell me who is hot. so im just wondering if he's doing more than just noticing. does he imagine them naked?

today he just downloaded a strip poker game on phone..is that something totally normal for guys and i should totally ignore?

 

Once again I think he is sharing his reactions with you because he is insecure and he wants to put you in your place. That's the tactless/rude part (and perhaps thoughtless too although I think he'd doing it intentionally because each time you react with insecurity and he therefore continues to keep you on your toes in that manipulative way). I am sure, like most people do, that sometimes he has thoughts/temptations of being with another person and that apparently he enjoys seeing naked women enough that he'd download a strip poker game on his phone. Some people are very into looking at naked people who turn them on. I don't think he's looking at naked women purely from a clinical or artistic (and nonsexual) perspective - if he wanted that he wouldn't have a strip poker game, he'd study human anatomy or paint nudes.

 

I don't think his interest in porn is an abnormal addiction. I also don't think that hearing it is "normal" is going to make you feel better. There's a whole range of normal behavior. The only issue is -what are your standards/boundaries/comfort zones. His behavior would be far far out of my comfort zone (both the rude comments and the level of interest in seeing naked women). How about you?

[tyr72]

Batya is right. He seems to be taking this outside the normal behavior range expressly for the purpose of making you uncomfortable. My girlfriend is fit, lean, and very athletic - exactly what I find physically attractive. That doesn't mean that I don't see other women who I find attractive or even arousing. I don't make an issue of it though. I don't stare, or tell my girlfriend what I would like to do to that hot girl. I don't rub her nose in the fact that I find other women attractive. Not because I am wrong to do so or because it makes her uncomfortable that I do - she is very secure, but because it would be rude and rather mean-spirited.

[Batya33]

once get tempted then there comes the posibility to fall for that person..dont you think?

if you say being tempted is normal then that means such posibility is normal,and then how can you be ok with temptation but not the posibility?

also, i say "content with me right now" because i guess anything can happen and you cant predict or be certain about future

 

But a person has to choose to act on temptation. Of course there is always a possibility a person will break his/her commitments and choose to act on temptation -for example, people break diets all the time -so when you choose someone to marry or be with long term I think it's best to choose someone where you believe in your heart of hearts that because of your relationship and that person's values as far as commitment and loyalty, it would shock you if he ever acted on a temptation to cheat on you. Let's put it this way -my husband travels a lot and is often surrounded by young, attractive women and I'm sure there are several who admire him/look up to him. I have no doubt that if he was aware one of them was flirting with him he would put a stop to it ASAP and I have no doubt that he wouldn't flirt with one of them (or even remotely similar to flirting). Is "anything possible?" Of course - but since it never even occurs to me to worry about something like that happening (and I am a worrier, believe me) I know I made the right choice to be with him.

[xyzzzz]

interesting i never thought he's doing this cuz he is the insecure one?..he seems quite confident and he told me he can get any girl if he starts his sweet talk..and he says i winge a lot about this and im paranoid and i should stop worrying about silly things/thinking too much and "of course i love you the most"

anyway about my comfort zone..i guess im odd cuz im fine with him watching porn and i dont have a big problem if he goes to strip clubs (and interestingly he doesnt like doing either of them!) but i got weird feeling cuz he downloaded a strip poker game.

i cant really define my comfort zone. most of the time as long as it's normal behavior and guys indeed do this..then i will be comfortable and feel relieved."maybe i am thinking too much"

yesterday i asked him to stop adding random girls on FB. he agreed. then i went on about deleting the strip poker game,he got annoyed and didnt do that,saying "i just wanna know what will happen.get over it". third time i asked "does xxx(his friend) talk about girls like you do " he said "no and dont make me feel like a bad guy. if you dont like it dont be with me"

 

From his perspective, im too paranoid and always relate things to "other girls",while he already tells me every day that he loves me and compliments me frequently.and that makes me question myself too.

im confused. i dont know who is right

[Fudgie]

I am just curious, but where does he meet all of these "random girls"? Just he just browse strangers' FBs and if they are female, he adds them? Or is he meeting all of them when he's out?

 

I think that would bother me if my boyfriend did that. It's one thing to add friends (of both sexes) as you go along, it's another to just RANDOMLY friend up just girls all the time.

[xyzzzz]

i dont know where he finds them. i dont even think FB has the function to browse people by sex or age like dating websites. he probs finds them on his friends list or friend's friend's list. and im sure he didnt meet most of them. sometimes i see the girls post on his wall saying "thanks for the add. but do i know you" and he replies "no random add".

i cant understand this behavior,along with many other behaviors of his. when i ask him to stop,he would.(he has stopped SOME of them but there are jut too many but sometimes he gets annoyed cuz i "bring it up all the time".

i came to realize that probably he is a very social/friendly/flirty or even PUA kind of person in nature. however he also does things that are very nice and show his love and care towards me.eg he never hangs out with female friends alone. he says,he doesnt flirt. he's happy to involve me in all his activities. he takes care of me when we're out or in general.

he is the kind of person who checks out the chick passing by him, but next minute hes' taking a pic of me and put on his phone wall so" i can see you when i miss you"

so this is the hard part..i really dont know if i should be more generous ,or i should cut my loss

[Fudgie]

Well, it's definitely up to you here. I think honestly, this is in his nature to be very social/friendly/flirty. Whether or not he'll cheat, I have no idea. But if what you say is true here, then it sounds like he is generally a good boyfriend but he randomly adds other women on FB, seems to be the flirty sort, checks out other women when he's with you, and tells you how hot they are. If that's what it is, can you live with that?

 

I personally couldn't be with a guy who flirts with other women because I find that disrespectful. I am not even flirty myself (at all) so I don't think I would jive with such a guy. My boyfriend isn't the flirty sort AT ALL and we were friends for years prior to dating and he ALWAYS treated me (and other females) like guy friends, no difference. I like that. See, it's just a difference in how different people are.

 

I think you need to decide if you want to put up with his flirty nature and actions in general, but I also think you need to put your foot down on him gawking at girls/saying how hot they are in front of you. That's extremely disrespectful.

[Batya33]

Insecure- meaning if he was secure about his masculinity and ability to get women he wouldn't feel the need to brag as he does to you and he wouldn't feel the need to overshare with you about how hot he finds other women. Secure people typically don't brag about their good qualities.

 

I would not be comfortable with my SO adding random women to his FB list unless it was for business networking reasons or because they had the same important outside hobby or interest (again, a form of networking). My guess is he wants the ego stroking and to show others how many hot women he has on his list. Ick.

 

He is absolutely right that if you do not like his behavior you shouldn't be with him and you certainly shouldn't ask him to delete the strip poker app -you're not his mother/boss.

 

And I don't think this is about a flirty nature -he's choosing to flirt and to make rude comments to you to get a certain reaction. I can relate in the sense that I am friendly by nature and flirting comes naturally to me too - I tend to be overly chatty and jokey especially when I am nervous - and I could see where, on rare occasion, it could come accross as unintentionally flirty in the mildest form. But that is why I have a good filter and when I am feeling nervous I try to overcompensate by being quieter than normal to balance out the urge to be chatty.

 

I'm writing about me because it's a good example of having a choice of how to behave in a social situation.

[pl3asehelp]

I think it's disrespectful to do that with your partner right there to witness you gazing at another woman or man. It's called having some self-control. If my partner was doing that while we are out together, the last thing I would be feeling is happy and proud. There should be a level of tact and respect while out as a couple. Of course you will find others attractive from time to time, but to go out with your partner and displaying an obvious gaze towards someone else is completely unnecessary.

 

Agree with this. It's about maturity, tact, and consideration for your partner.

[pl3asehelp]

The guys who present themselves as confident are often the most insecure. And particularly the guys who 'sweet talk' - definitely insecure. He's basically craving validation from women because he sees his self worth as tied to being able to con women into sleeping with him.