xyzzzz Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 OP: Would we be correct if we said that you have a very low self-esteem and you are very insecure? i just think the guy may still fall for a girl who's not good looking at all as i know it happens..it doesnt matter how beautiful i am.. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 i just think the guy may still fall for a girl who's not good looking at all as i know it happens..it doesnt matter how beautiful i am.. Um, ... ok, you still didn't answer my question, lol. But then again, in a way, I guess you did - it shows great insecurity to me. Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 Um, ... ok, you still didn't answer my question, lol. But then again, in a way, I guess you did - it shows great insecurity to me. maybe i am insecure? i didnt think that to be honest..i think insecure would be something like "im afarid im not good enough to keep him" but i think i am good enough for him. but i always think sometimes a guy just get bored of things and want something new even the wife is totally perfect,caring,beautiful ect. the guy just wants to experience something he doesnt have..i see that happen all the time.. that's also why im always kinda "alarmed" hehe Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 maybe i am insecure? i didnt think that to be honest..i think insecure would be something like "im afarid im not good enough to keep him" but i think i am good enough for him. but i always think sometimes a guy just get bored of things and want something new even the wife is totally perfect,caring,beautiful ect. the guy just wants to experience something he doesnt have..i see that happen all the time.. that's also why im always kinda "alarmed" hehe Seems you don't have much faith in men at all (And yes, I would still say you seem a fair bit insecure. I base this on all your other threads and this one. Sorry, lol). Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 maybe i am insecure? i didnt think that to be honest..i think insecure would be something like "im afarid im not good enough to keep him" but i think i am good enough for him. but i always think sometimes a guy just get bored of things and want something new even the wife is totally perfect,caring,beautiful ect. the guy just wants to experience something he doesnt have..i see that happen all the time.. that's also why im always kinda "alarmed" hehe Really? All the time? Not in my world. I don't think it's fair to be so harsh on men that apparently they're not mature enough to make a long term commitment and are always looking for a new "trophy" woman. That's true of people -men and women - who prefer to live their lives always looking for some new thrill - I'm not judging that but that describes a certain personality (usually with a dose of immaturity) not "men". Many people want new adventures and they have them without breaking their commitments to their partners. Link to comment
dan10 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 xyzzzz, i have to agree with batya33, it seems like you have this hard set idea that men cheat or leave their woman just because they are men or something. but thats not it. when men want "something new" its not because the wife is tatally perfect, caring beautiful ect. and the guy just wants to experience something he doesnt have. its because of a whole slue of reasons that include the couple is in a rut, the guy finds out he doesnt really want that girl it was just the honeymoon effect, he thinks she cheated so he cheats, there are tons of reasons and they arent all just that men want something new. now i'm not saying that it is never the case. there are definitely guys who do that. but i personally dont believe it is the majority. the more and more i read of this thread (and i havent read any of your other ones) but based on this one i havent seen any concrete reason to not trust your guy. all i've gathered is that you think it is what guys do and so you think it will happen to you. so i have to wonder.... what traumatized you in the past to make you think so poorly of men? Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 nothing really traumatize me...though i always think many men (not all) will sorta "slip", i never assume it will,must happen to me. i've never be so alarmed till this relationship i think either im a jealous or insecure or whatever kind of person myself and my bf triggered me by checking out girls and telling me which girl is hot, or my bf is a douche. im trying to figure out which is it.. yesterday he told me about how this new girl is hired but she barely even speaks english, only she's pretty hot. but i asked him "oh do you tihnk she's hotter than me" he goes "no no no no no" then i talked to my bf about my hard set idea of men. he agrees and said he used to "always want to chase something new". but when i asked "so are you gonna want something different than me" he immidiately said "no no you are different" i just felt funny and weird..like i busted him telling white lies or something.. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I think you need to tell him again that you aren't comfortable with his comments about "hot" women. I wouldn't ever ask him again if he thinks someone is hotter than you -don't encourage his tactless behavior. If he makes a comment like that again after you tell him to stop simply ignore it and react neutrally then change the topic. Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 I think you need to tell him again that you aren't comfortable with his comments about "hot" women. I wouldn't ever ask him again if he thinks someone is hotter than you -don't encourage his tactless behavior. If he makes a comment like that again after you tell him to stop simply ignore it and react neutrally then change the topic. he wont comment on a woman's hotness just for the sake of her hotness..it's more like talking about a women and her appearance somehow comes along too. i cant really blame him on that? most of time i dont react to it but sometimes i would ask such question "is she hotter than me" why shouldnt I?.. i do want to know if he thinks higher of her? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 he wont comment on a woman's hotness just for the sake of her hotness..it's more like talking about a women and her appearance somehow comes along too. i cant really blame him on that? most of time i dont react to it but sometimes i would ask such question "is she hotter than me" why shouldnt I?.. i do want to know if he thinks higher of her? And why the need to comment on someone's physical features in that way? Very objectifying in my opinion. And why do you care if he thinks someone is more attractive than you are? I'm sure plenty of women are, just like plenty of women are more attractive than me but my husband is with me, not them, end of story. I would not be with him if he was the type of person to feel the need to comment on another woman's sex appeal as part of a typical conversation about a person he met. I tell my husband about people I meet during the day and the only time I comment on their looks is if it is relevant to the story (as in if my son goes over to a dad in the park it's usually because he's very tall, for some reason). I would never comment on whether I found a man I had met attractive because that would be rude to my husband. If I ran into a hot celebrity I might mention it to my best girlfriend "oh he looked so cute!" but what would be the point of mentioning that to my husband? Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 maybe my bf is the "funny" one on this.. the conversation about that new girl is like : him" M(his mate) wants me to go back check out this new girl cuz she's hot" me"really? i just saw her. she didnt impress me that much" him "no no she IS pretty hot i've seen her in better clothes. M wont have a chance with her" me "ok so you think she's hotter than me? " he said "oh no no no no." i was abit annoyed but..maybe i should just get over it Edit : im fine with other girls being better looking than me.only when my bf brings it up it starts to bother me,and make me wonder if he wishes to do something. then again people say i worry too much. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 xyz, It sounds like you are genuinely bothered when your boyfriend brings up remarks on female's looks to you. Do you tell him this and ask him not to make those remarks in front of you because they bother you? You can't control what he thinks but if he's saying something again and again that continually bothers you, I do think you have the right to talk to him about it and say "hey, this hurts my feelings. Can you please stop saying those things?" Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 i did tell him,long time ago(he was worse)..he's better now but would still bring this up sometimes. and if i always go crazy about it,he thinks i have a problem and i make big deal out of nothing. so is it only me having problem with bf's remarks on other girls looks? i notice other attractive guys too.but i wont tell him,cuz he is as good as them. so him telling me this makes me feel im not as good or they are new/different and he wishes he could something.. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 My boyfriend doesn't make comments on other girls' looks unless I ask him his opinion or it's relevant to a story. He is not like "Mmm nice piece of tail, I'd take that back to marinate for 6 hours" or anything like that. > I don't make comments on other guys' looks out of respect for him. You are not alone. I'm sure most women would have issues with that. I think it's disrespectful for him to do that when you have told him to stop. Many couples will go back and forth comparing guys and girls and that's great, but that is not for everyone. He needs to respect your feelings and keep those thoughts to himself when he has them. Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 so im dating a guy who says these sort of things..is this a red flag? does this mean his mind is wondering on all sorts of women? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 No. I think most people (girls/guys) notice other people. We just have a random thought "Oh, she's attrractive" or "he's attractive". It doesn't mean anything. We're human, we notice people and their looks. But this doesn't mean that he's wanting to be with them. Some guys, like your boyfriend, are just less tactful and let it blurt out or gawk and that's not okay. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I don't think his remark about his coworker was all that bad. To me, it's as if he is saying, "They hired a woman at work who can't speak english - I think she got the job because of her looks." He's talking about the job and you're asking if she is hotter than you. Isn't the strange thing that someone who doesn't speak english got hired at a company where she should be speaking english?? Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 I don't think his remark about his coworker was all that bad. To me, it's as if he is saying, "They hired a woman at work who can't speak english - I think she got the job because of her looks." He's talking about the job and you're asking if she is hotter than you. Isn't the strange thing that someone who doesn't speak english got hired at a company where she should be speaking english?? the whole conversation strated as his mate wants him to check out this girl.then i asked the question,he said no. after that he started saying they hired her based on her looks..it is strange..oh well but it happened. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I wonder if your bf does/says this kind of stuff because he knows he can get a reaction out of you, and he likes seeing you a little mad/jealous? Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 I wonder if your bf does/says this kind of stuff because he knows he can get a reaction out of you, and he likes seeing you a little mad/jealous? sometimes he enjoys the reaction but other times i feel he really just slipped it out. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 sometimes he enjoys the reaction but other times i feel he really just slipped it out. what if you just stopped reacting to it? you know, ignore him when he makes those comments? Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 what if you just stopped reacting to it? you know, ignore him when he makes those comments? that is what i do most of the time. it doesnt change anything in him. so i say he doesnt always do it to stir me up. it's just him,his character..and he says it's human nature Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 maybe i missed this - but what happens if you comment on some other guy like that? what is his reaction? Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 maybe i missed this - but what happens if you comment on some other guy like that? what is his reaction? doesnt seem to care that much. he may joke "so do you like him". unless i do it too often then he will get annoyed and bothered. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 one more thing - did you ever mention how old you two are? he sounds kind of immature, frankly. as others have said on this thread, there are certain things you talk about with your friends, but not with your grandmother. somethings you can say to your girlfriend, but you wouldn't say them on an interview. it's all about being appropriate for the occasion. he talks about 'human nature.' well, lots of things are natural human behavior - pooping is, but you don't do it in the middle of the room at a party, you go to the bathroom and close the door! some people might fart in front of each other, but to me, that's gross behavior and a turn off and it's something you take care of in a bathroom if you have to do it, not on purpose as a joke. anyway - where am i going with all that, lol? i think he's not being respectful of your relationship if he knows saying these things bugs you, and he does it anyway. and i think he might have some growing up to do. from your end, i don't see a whole bunch of options: 1. ignore it. 2. do the same thing back to him (ie, when he mentions a hot girl, you start talking about the new hot single guy who just started a job at your work). 3. tell him it bugs you and would appreciate it if he toned things down. 4. break up. Link to comment
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