sex and the dating process

[peanutbutterandjelly]

it seems like these days, most people i know use sex to judge whether or not they would like to date someone. I guess it makes sense, you want to know if you are sexually compatible before you become a couple. If you both like each other, it is expected that you will have sex by the 3rd date or so. It seems like sex is now becoming more of an important part of the dating process and I think more and more people are starting to date this way. How do you feel about this?

[blueidealist24]

It seems kind of like it, especially online, but I wouldn't have sex by the third date. I'm a virgin though. I think people move too fast when it comes to sex nowadays. I think if I wasn't a virgin I would still wait at least a month before having sex with someone and I would make sure I that person was dating me exclusively.

[Batya33]

I think that's backwards thinking. For me, chemistry was essential -meaning ,the desire to kiss the person, have sex, whatever. To me, sexual compatibility cannot be tested unless you're emotionally bonded first (that's just my personal opinion -I realize it doesn't work that way for everyone) . I've never had any issues with compatibility if we had chemistry and enjoyed kissing and touching each other. But, a person who has very specific requirements as far as technique, position, kinky stuff for example, might need to test drive the person because of those priorities. Sex is a huge priority for me in a serious relationship but sexual positions, techniques,etc are not. As long as there was chemistry and emotional bonding/love I was confident that compatibility wouldn't be an issue. I would never have been comfortable having sex on the third date, or the 5th - I was most comfortable waiting at least 3 months or more, until we were exclusive, in love, with strong potential for marriage. Needless to say I did not have many partners. And I have zero regrets about that or about the men I stopped seeing because they insisted on having sex early on.

[LDRohnos]

Sexual positions/technique/kinky stuff is a learned trait. Sexual compatibility (sex drive) along with intimacy is something that needs to be compatible from the get-go, usually if this is off by a great margin no amount of time is going to "fix" it..

 

When I date I pretty much take it in two parts.. The Emotional/Personality of the person and the sexual intimacy level. I'll never again go into a relationship where there's a huge difference in either.

[quirky]

I think the 3rd date is too soon to have sex, I don't think it's what's expected. I'd expect a kiss on the 3rd date for example and sex maybe after 10 dates? That's if I wanted a long term relationship. I've had sex on the 3rd date because by then I decided I didn't want to have a relationship with him. We had both recently split up so I think it helped us both to move on. I agree with Batya that if the emotional conection is there and the kissing is good, sex is very likely to be good too.

[Day_Walker]

I think that sexual compatibility is important but I do not think that this is a new trend, this has been happening for some time. I think that people have a lot of options and have a lot of free choice in deciding if they want to be with a person or not, so sex has become important. I dont see that as a bad thing.

[Chris Knows]

I agree, this is the way things work. Especially in the "online" dating world. Most of my dates end up first night at movies, dinner, bowling etc. Second date ends up ... well, you know. It does help me realize if I would want to be with this person long term or not ...

[HeartGoesOn]

it seems like these days, most people i know use sex to judge whether or not they would like to date someone. I guess it makes sense, you want to know if you are sexually compatible before you become a couple.

 

To each their own, but I feel that sex should only come into the picture after you've been dating for a period of time, and have formed a solid emotional connection.

 

By using sex as a bargaining tool before agreeing to date, is a recipe for disaster, IMO. Many people feel that sex is a requirement when newly dating...I disagree.

[LDRohnos]

To each their own, but I feel that sex should only come into the picture after you've been dating for a period of time, and have formed a solid emotional connection.

 

By using sex as a bargaining tool before agreeing to date, is a recipe for disaster, IMO. Many people feel that sex is a requirement when newly dating...I disagree.

 

I agree with you completely..now I may need to give in my man card for this but if I'm on a date and a girl wants to have sex in the first 2-3 dates that usually turns ME off, especially if I want a relationship with the person.

 

Sex in and of itself is not necessarily a good judge of anything. Intimacy and emotions are...as someone said above usually if one fits the sex will work as well. Even if the girl is a virgin (or guy) but she/he is obviously on the same level as you in terms of emotions/intimacy the sex most likely will be good as well, and worth the wait.

[blueidealist24]

What I find stupid is people who think they can judge the sexual compatibility between themself and another person by asking the person questions about sex online. You can find out some things, like if you have the same attitudes toward it, but not truly if you're compatible or not until you at least do some physical touching.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

People use the excuse of "I have to find out if we are sexually compatible before committing to a relationship" when really what it boils down to is that they want an orgasm and they want it now. They don't want to wait...to them sex is all part of the evening's entertainment and is really not about getting to know someone. Many people have amazing sex with someone early on and it still doesn't entice them to commit to a relationship because they are simply looking to gratify their sexual urges.

[The Archer]

Sexual compatibility is certainly hugely important in a relationship and I don’t think one can accurately gauge this without having a sexual relationship.

Most of the time when we meet people we know straight away we are not ever going to be sexually interested but for the few people we do click with and see relationship potential as well as sexual attraction, your going to have to test the waters sooner or later if that’s where you want to go with the relationship.

 

I will generally push for early sexual involvement partly because of desire and partly because I think it’s an important practicality. I’m not going to get my hopes up to high without feeling sexually compatible.

 

Although as always I make a big distinction between intercourse and other forms of sex. I don’t feel I need intercourse to gauge sexual compatibility and therefore will wait until there is a strong emotional bond before taking that step.

[DeepestBlue]

I had a 4 year relationship. At the time my ex was very young, and was kind of known as a "playboy" who slept around with a lot of people prior to the time that I met him.

 

Because I wanted things to evolve naturally, and the relationship to work, combined with the factor that he was still fairly young and had a reputation for being that way, I made him wait 6 months before we did anything beyond kissing/cuddling/etc- because I wanted him to prove that he was really serious about committing.

 

With someone who I can trust and know will commit, I don't know if I would wait quite that long. I think it really depends on the relationship. You have to let it develop on its own, naturally. I agree with some of the previous posts saying that it's a progression, starting off with getting to know each other, dating, talking, cuddling, making out, and so on.

 

Although an additional thing for me is that it takes a really long time for me to get comfortable being intimate with someone, and I'm very non-committal.

 

I don't think sex right off the bat will really help gauge anything. Not that I'm any kind of an expert on it, but having someone who knows how to handle you in the bedroom is really something two people have to learn from each other (what the other person likes, etc.) and becoming comfortable with each other may take time. It's something a seasoned relationship has and will always have over a one-night stand. So having sex off the bat with anyone won't really give you a clear projection into the future of what sex with them would be like in a relationship, maybe an inkling, but not really the full picture.

[MattW]

I dunno, but I hope this isn't as common a trend as some make it out to be, because being that I've never had sex, I can't imagine I'd be very good at it, and I'd rather not get dumped by a girl I might like just because I'd be bad in bed. @_@

[givinggirl]

I wait until I feel comfortable with the guy. I am shy, so if I go out with a guy who I don't know, it will take a while for me to feel comfortable. If I date a guy I've known for a while and feel comfortable with, sex will happen a lot sooner. Having said that, I have a different point of view than most. I married a man who told me he was waiting to have sex until after marriage. I respected his feelings and was cool with it, but it turned out he was a closet gay. Our entire relationship was based on him using me to keep his dirty little secret. I pretty much suspected it on our honeymoon because sex still wasn't happening. Now, I feel the need to make sure I never repeat that story. I don't want to get too involved without taking a test drive. I'm 35 and I've only had 7 sexual partners and only 1 ended up going south really fast. In my experience, most men push for sex right away.

[Alezia]

I dunno, but I hope this isn't as common a trend as some make it out to be, because being that I've never had sex, I can't imagine I'd be very good at it, and I'd rather not get dumped by a girl I might like just because I'd be bad in bed. @_@

 

Don't sleep too early on with her then. It's much easier to dismiss a guy based on sucky performance if you've met him 3 nights ago, then it is if you are emotionally invested in the person, and where you might take some time to see how he improves.

[blueidealist24]

 

Although as always I make a big distinction between intercourse and other forms of sex. I don’t feel I need intercourse to gauge sexual compatibility and therefore will wait until there is a strong emotional bond before taking that step.

 

Yeah, this is a big distinction. Intercourse carries a lot heavier weight because of issues like virginity, STDs, pregnancy.. and you can see if you're sexually compatible through oral or sexual touching, which doesn't seem as a big deal as intercourse early on (although I still probably wouldn't do it on the first date.. happened on the second date once when I had been drinking, but even that's not a common practice for me).

[Alezia]

For me, most of the sexual compatibility issues are mostly tied to my brain and not the actual physical part. That is unless he is really horrible at sex.

If you have chemistry flying and he is a good kisser, usually the rest won't be bad.

[chr8st8na]

sexual compatibility is a must for me but i would not say i agree that it should be the only factor to date or be with someone. that's kind of shallow.

 

also i know some people believe that if two people are emotionally invested in one another and have great chemistry, sex should come naturally. THAT IS FALSE! If this was the case, spouses would not be paying Sex Therapists huge sums to fix their sex lives.

[Batya33]

sexual compatibility is a must for me but i would not say i agree that it should be the only factor to date or be with someone. that's kind of shallow.

 

also i know some people believe that if two people are emotionally invested in one another and have great chemistry, sex should come naturally. THAT IS FALSE! If this was the case, spouses would not be paying Sex Therapists huge sums to fix their sex lives.

 

When I think of sexual compatibility I think of two people who enjoy having sex together. Many married couples stop enjoying sex together, one person stops having a desire for sex, one person changes what he/she wants sexually which then can trigger going to a therapist -they might be compatible but not enjoying sex because of an external situation, their feelings could have changed, etc. I don't agree with your assumption at all. I also don't think compatibility means that is has to come naturally - obviously there might be work necessary to maximize pleasure, to communicate effectively - compatibility simply means that the couple enjoys having sex together even if it requires work/effort to get there.

 

I'm also not sure where you get the idea that a majority of couples seek sex therapy.

[chr8st8na]

well Batya... I dont have the stats right off my hand but I took sex psychology and I do recall reading that not majority of spouses but a considerable % of american spouses and couples do seek sex therapy. It is a growing business. and i did not infer that a majority of spouses. i just said spouses but what i should have said was couples.

 

also I think it really depends on the individual. What I mean about sexual compatibility is that there are just some people out there who have a higher sex drive than most people and there are those who have a lower sex drive than the average person. Ive met a guy who didnt like sex; one of my friend's ex loved her and fancied her but having sex was always all about him; and my closest friend doesn't like to have sex because it hurts AND she cannot even imagined going down on a guy too (she hates porn even softcore). Her bf and her always argue but he cannot leave her because he loves her. I guess when you invested 2 years in to someone and then you realize that they don't like to have sex or do sexual things, it can be hard to accept. Ive known her all my life and I know no work or person can make her want to have sex more than once a month. Because of all this, I dont think it is wrong at all when people weigh in sexual compatibility when they start seeing someone. Better to know then invest in someone for awhile just to know they suck in bed.

 

I think people would like to play the prude card when it comes to sex, but I say Hell with that! If your an adult and you consent with another adult in having intercourse then enjoy it & accept the bad and the good that comes out of it. Bad- possibly STDS; the Good- you at least know if they were effective in pleasing you.

[Batya33]

I don't think what you wrote requires people to test drive each other sexually -they can talk about the issues you wrote about. I find your judgment of people who choose to wait to have sex kind of offensive. What I knew and still know is that I wouldn't have enjoyed casual sex or sex with someone I wasn't in love with so I wouldn't have been able to test sexual compatibility in that way. I was always happy that I hadn't increased my risk of STDs by having casual sex especially since I did not want to harm my fertility in any way.

I agree with you that two consenting single adults should have sex if they feel like it. I disagree with your judgment that those who choose not to are somehow "prudish" just like I would disagree that consenting adults who have casual sex are presumably "easy" or a similar negative connotation.

 

I also disagree that having a higher sex drive means you have to have sex early on in a relationship -people make choices all the time despite "drives" - they don't just act on impulse especially if they see long term potential. Obviously if someone prioritizes having sex early on over getting to know someone and reaching, perhaps, a compromise with the other person who wishes to wait then they should find someone who meets their priorities. But most people I know are perfectly capable of resisting temptation -whether it be sex, food, or whatever - to have a chance at a long term benefit.

[chr8st8na]

Well Batya, hate to tell you this but this is not all about you. SOME people are just set in their ways and when it comes to sex are very anal on what they want and how they want it and there are no happy "compromises"... I think you continue to miss my points even tho u claim u get it. You clearly don't.

[lalalollipops]

I think it's a good idea to wait. Better to get to know the other person properly and develop a proper emotional attachment, than just sleeping with them just cos 'both are consenting adults and it's just fun.' It's nothing to do with being conservative or prudish * * * . I think it's just about different values and how you view sex as. I for one love it, but I don't want it to be sth casual-not my style.

[Fudgie]

I like to wait too. I don't have sex until the person and I have discussed being exclusive with each other, for sure. once it's exclusive, I'll have sex. I refuse to have sex outside of relationships.