sfindependent Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 See, I think when people send a "closure" message that they say is really for themselves, it's not the truth, and the message was really sent hoping for a response. If you are really done with someone, then the last thing you do is write them to tell them so. You simply move on, and your silence and absence in their life is all the closure you really need. Or they even care to receive... i think that's brilliant. not to run this thread another direction but i think that in all situations, including mine, i'll follow this. Ms. D, you should too. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 See, I think when people send a "closure" message that they say is really for themselves, it's not the truth, and the message was really sent hoping for a response. If you are really done with someone, then the last thing you do is write them to tell them so. You simply move on, and your silence and absence in their life is all the closure you really need. Or they even care to receive... I do tend to think that's true (for the most part). For example, for my ex of last year when I was DONE I simply stopped talking to him. But that was easy because we have no reason to see each other on a weekly basis. Actually, I take this back. When we broke up, we talked for about three hours so that was definitely closure. I've always had or gotten closure of some sort. Even with a dude I dated for only two months years ago who dumped me. He sent me a letter a few weeks later and that was closure. So yeah, for situations I've usually had some type of closure. I think the challenge for me is that I see this guy. I see him almost every day (or may) at work. And he's the type to pop in and out whenever he feels like it. So for the dude who reappears periodically, well, closure (done the right way - i.e. in a conversation) can make the intent to move on clear. I'm not trying to beat myself up for my actions, but I reached the end of my own rope after 10 months and it's apparent in my reaction. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 So if you see him nearly every day, moreso it seems strange to send that email. I think all you had to do was be a little cool and distracted when he dropped in. I just think an email to tell someone you're done when there was nothing going on between you to begin with comes off like you were hoping for a reaction or return comment. Like as if he would suddenly motivate and explain how you got him all wrong, and he does love you, etc. I guess the difference with this guy and the others, is that the others were legitimate relationships or dating, and this guy wasn't. Which is why it seems a tad peculiar. For me, I wouldn't have given him the satisfaction of knowing you had put this much energy or thought into his dismissal. I just went through this with a GF, btw. She had a date with a guy, and never heard from him again. Two weeks later, against my advice - lol, she emailed him to say something to the effect of, "Well, I guess you're not interested, it was nice meeting you, no need to respond, etc.". Sge said it was for her own sense of closure. Of course, he didn't respond, as it was pretty apparent he wasn't interested from the start. About two months later, she emails him again of the blue, saying hi, how is he, etc. He emails her back and says hello, hoped she was well, and not much more. She, against my advice again - lol, emailed him back immediately, using the rationale to me that she felt better knowing he could be a good email buddy and there was no tension or issues between them, and that she felt better knowing they could be friends and she could write him when she wanted to and get a response, ask him questions about their mutual interests, etc. And that was months ago, and he once again blew her off and she never heard from him again. She finally admitted it was because she hated feeling rejected by him, and wanted to feel a sense of control or the upper hand. But, she realized by chasing him with the phoney notion of "closure", all she did was set herself up to be disappointed by him again. I think when someone shows you who they are, you pay attention and don't set up scenarios that seem to yield a sense of control or closure, because ultimately, it will usually backfire. Often keeping things to yourself and moving on quietly is the best response. No need to give someone undeserving another part of you. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 Hey hon, I really appreciate that you took the time to respond! I respect your thoughts and I have responded in bold below: So if you see him nearly every day, moreso it seems strange to send that email. Well, I tried to talk to him on Thursday and he cut off the conversation. I think all you had to do was be a little cool and distracted when he dropped in. Yeah, I have done that with him ... for months. For guys who pop in and out, it can be hard to remain that way. I just think an email to tell someone you're done when there was nothing going on between you to begin with comes off like you were hoping for a reaction or return comment. Like as if he would suddenly motivate and explain how you got him all wrong, and he does love you, etc. Believe me, I understand this. But, just like saying it in person, it's clearly drawing a line in the sand of what you will or will not accept. I think all that previous interaction made it seem like I would kind of accept his behavior. Now, in terms of what it seems like? I think it depends on the person. Everyone, even on this thread, has interpreted it different. Some see it as shutting a door. Some see it as an ultimatum. Some see it as hoping to change his heart. For me, I'm not completely clear about where his heart is but I am clear that I don't like how he treats me. I don't want him to change his heart. If it's not there, it's not there. But I do want him to know that if he comes to me again, he comes (because remember he pops up like where's Waldo) with an understanding of where I am. I guess the difference with this guy and the others, is that the others were legitimate relationships or dating, and this guy wasn't. Which is why it seems a tad peculiar. It felt legit to me. Now, I think the thing to remember is that between May/June and August, we were hanging out consistently. He was out of town for work for three weeks at a time, but when we was here, we went on dates May, June, and August. So around that three-month span I had NO DOUBTS about his feelings for me. It wasn't a question. And in August (when we kissed and he told me he cared about me) he revealed that he hadn't seen or kissed anyone in three months because of his feelings for me (consistent with my gut feeling) so I had no reason not to think it was legit. For me, I wouldn't have given him the satisfaction of knowing you had put this much energy or thought into his dismissal. This isn't a factor for me anymore. I understand and value what you are saying though. I just went through this with a GF, btw. She had a date with a guy, and never heard from him again. Two weeks later, against my advice - lol, she emailed him to say something to the effect of, "Well, I guess you're not interested, it was nice meeting you, no need to respond, etc.". Sge said it was for her own sense of closure. Of course, he didn't respond, as it was pretty apparent he wasn't interested from the start. About two months later, she emails him again of the blue, saying hi, how is he, etc. He emails her back and says hello, hoped she was well, and not much more. She, against my advice again - lol, emailed him back immediately, using the rationale to me that she felt better knowing he could be a good email buddy and there was no tension or issues between them, and that she felt better knowing they could be friends and she could write him when she wanted to and get a response, ask him questions about their mutual interests, etc. And that was months ago, and he once again blew her off and she never heard from him again. Yeah, I've never contacted a guy who disappeared after a date, two dates, or three dates even. This is someone I have known for months, hung out with for months, and was friends at work with - spending a ton of time together playing pranks and laughing together at the office. We were friends, we talked a lot ... there was more there than your friend's situation. Often keeping things to yourself and moving on quietly is the best response. No need to give someone undeserving another part of you. I don't see him as an undeserving person per se. I respect him in that he's been supportive months ago when I needed it and he's confided in me too. He's committed to service and he works just as hard as I do ... and I am a hard worker. In my mind, I think there is a balance in understanding that the bottom line is that he's simply not as interested as I had wanted and didn't treat me great (because he was distant). But I found his behavior yuck as bf material and needed to find someone who really wants me. Best! Ms Darcy Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Well, I tried to talk to him on Thursday and he cut off the conversation. I can't imagine sending someone an email to write them out of my life, after I tried to talk to them in person, and they cut me off. I mean, really. And just because he was in the moment months ago and showering you with attention, shouldn't supercede him going MIA and ignoring you for months recently. If this really was about you coming to the conclusion that he is a wonderful person and totally deserving of your friendship, etc. but simply not a good choice romantically, I still don't think you would have bothered to write the blow-off email. There would have been no need. I mean, he didn't write you to tell you he didn't want to date you anymore, did he? No, he just shifted the dynamic of your friendship, which is all you had to do as well. He had already been telling you (non-verbally) that he wasn't interested in dating for a while now, so I think writing him to end something that wasn't even in existence was transparent. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 If this really was about you coming to the conclusion that he is a wonderful person and totally deserving of your friendship, etc. but simply not a good choice romantically, I still don't think you would have bothered to write the blow-off email. There would have been no need. I mean, he didn't write you to tell you he didn't want to date you anymore, did he? No, he just shifted the dynamic of your friendship, which is all you had to do as well. He had already been telling you (non-verbally) that he wasn't interested in dating for a while now, so I think writing him to end something that wasn't even in existence was transparent. Hmm, I'm not trying to rosy him up and say he's a wonderful person, but rather that he's not an undeserving person. Nor do I really want to be friends anymore. But I responded to his recent comments with my own truth/opinion, so I'll just leave it as that. I hear what you say, but what's done is done and I don't think rehashing what I should/should not have done is fruitful. I think what's important for me is to heal, move on, and clear the space in my own mind/heart to find someone who is right for me. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 I think what's important for me is to heal, move on, and clear the space in my own mind/heart to find someone who is right for me.[/b] I agree. You're a good egg, so I hope you find someone special sooner than later. Ya know, you can't attract the right person when the wrong person is standing there blocking everyone's view, so now that this guy is dismissed, a good guy has a great chance of finding you. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 I agree. You're a good egg, so I hope you find someone special sooner than later. Ya know, you can't attract the right person when the wrong person is standing there blocking everyone's view, so now that this guy is dismissed, a good guy has a great chance of finding you. Awww! Thank you my dear! Yeah, I am really focusing on work right now, hoping to get through this fog and be able to re-focus on dating again. And to be HAPPY again. I really really can't wait til that happens dude. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 I had a friend confess to having feelings for me today. Wow. That was a nice (and unexpected!) ego booster! Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 hoping to get through this fog and be able to re-focus on dating again. And to be HAPPY again. I really really can't wait til that happens dude. I had a friend confess to having feelings for me today. Wow. That was a nice (and unexpected!) ego booster! Looks like that took you all of three hours. lol Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 That's awesome! Do you have any feelings for him? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 Well, it's a she ... she used to be a he. She's really sweet, but I like guys Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Well, it's a she ... she used to be a he. Doh! . Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Well its always flattering to hear that someone has feelings for you! It's a nice reminder that you are wanted. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 Oh absolutely! And too bad I'm sick as a dog and unable to appreciate that fully at the moment. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 I hope you feel better! I'm just getting over being sick for over two weeks, its no fun. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Haha, I suppose it is a good thing to hear that someone likes you! But I feel bad because I will never be interested and I don't think I did a good job making that clear. Daligal, I'm glad you are feeling better! I know it's no fun! Link to comment
jjcool00 Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 He's either a commitment phobe, or he's seeing someone else since he flaked on you the first couple of times and flaked on another girl. I'd lean towards the he's seeing someone else thing as he's asking you not to say stuff to anyone about the kiss. Like "hmm some people here may know my girlfriend and it'll get back to her... better tell her to keep it on the DL and use the whole work thing as an excuse" The work thing only really relates if you're co workers are immature, and I'm ASSUMING that since you don't work in a high school, they wouldn't be like "OMG SO AND SO KISSED... HAHAHA EWWW".. Most people our age (late 20's early 30's) that are single and are a decent person, have a few people rotating in their life that could be potential partners, not saying booty calls or anything like that, but people who could end up being something serious, someone maybe you've talked to on and off for a few months/years that you're not sure of or for whatever reason one of you keeps disappearing etc... I'm sure you get my point. That also could be a potential reason for him doing things like this, that technically he's single but there's someone rotating out there that he is highly interested in and trying to keep himself available for. I was guilty of this for a bit, I'm sure some of you were as well. Point being this is bad news in many aspects. 1. He's "single" but flaky possible seeing other women. 2. He's in a relationship, but is torn between leaving it or staying in it. 3. You're competing against someone to win him over 4. He's embarrassed to admit his feelings over a co-worker... None of these I'd be a part of honestly, and if I were you I'd move onto something a little more definitive. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 I think you are wise in your assessment, though it's not pleasant to hear. Too bad we work together, but fortunately I think we are both working hard not to see each other. On a side note, I have started dating a very nice guy. He is cute, seems a touch socially awkward, and has a speech impediment. I think he is a little inexperienced with women, so I'm trying to be attentive and encouraging. He is an INFP (I think) if anyone keeps up with Myers Briggs. Very sweet. Link to comment
jjcool00 Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Trust me I am currently avoiding someone at work myself right now for almost the same reasons. I feel your pain, but let us know how everything turns out with this new guy... exciting! Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Yes, good luck with the new guy!! Link to comment
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