How to Set Boundaries and Be Willing to Walk Away with Love

[Ms Darcy]

Dear eNotalone Friends,

 

I would very much love and value your thoughts on a situation. How can I state my needs, and my willingness to walk away from a situation, with kindess and respect to someone who has seems to have "one foot in one foot out." I would like for him to know what I want without pushing. And I am willing to walk away with love.

 

I don't want to go into too many details, but some cliffs notes that might be helpful:

 

-We met in January of 2011 at work and I felt an instant spark

-I showed a lot of interest and we became friendly - laughing a lot and pranking people

-Was talking to another girl at our company in February but bailed on their date

-Asked me to hang out in early March then bailed

-Asked me to hang out in May, had a magical date (held hands) and then didn't hear from him

-Have a pattern of not seeing him for weeks then he sees me and gives "longing looks" when we run into each other

-Hung out in June for dinner then he travelled for business for a couple months

-Watched a movie in mid-August - cooked together, cuddled, kissed, told me he thought I was cute since he met me, told me he cares about me/thinks I'm cool. Plus, his pupils fully dilated when we kissed (very interesting)

-Hung out again that week to watch a movie and kissed, but he seemed distant that night

-After him visiting a couple of times after those dates, heard nothing from him

-Went to visit him early September and he was pretty cold

-He was on a dating site from Jan-April ... he got back on it late July

 

Other interesting facts:

 

-He asked me not to mention the kissing at work

-He is an only child and his dad married late in life/says his parents don't love each other

-He's on a fellowship that lasts until December 2011, and then he'll be jobless

 

So, clearly he is a mystery and his behavior is confusing. Wishy washy, hot and cold, whatever you call it ... I think I'm ready to finally say something about my feelings since I never had before.

 

I am doing my own thing and not approaching him. If we do get an opportunity to talk, I was thinking of saying:

 

"Hey _____. Good to see you. How did the workshop go? You seemed stressed about it. [Listen.] Well, I just want you to know I really enjoyed spending time with you - cooking, watching the movies, walking. From what you said, I thought there might be something there, but we didn't connect for X months. If you are interested, I invited you to think about it and talk to me if you feel you can trust me ... and you can trust me. In the meantime, I'm just moving forward, looking for something more consistent. Either way, I wish you happiness." :star:

 

How does that sound?

 

I care about him, but there is something he doubts and it's not healthy for me to wait around. I am a loving, worthy person and I'd love to find a partner who can accept the love I have to give.

 

Thanks in advance friends.

 

Ms Darcy

[sadchick83]

If he only knew he is seeing the guru of dating/relationship advice.....

 

I am not a fan of these type of notes. It also sounds like you are waiting for him. Even if you are not, the letter makes it sound like you are. And, you say you are moving forward, but actually "in the meantime" makes it sound like you will still have him back. Are you looking to save face, or let out some pent up emotions? I prefer to save face. Should he call you again, I would then tell him how you feel. Mention you thought he wasn't interested so you moved on....Do it in 2 sentences.

 

I would not bother contacting him if he was cold to you during the last visit. If you really want, keep the door open a crack for this guy, but certainly don't tell him.

 

Yes you do deserve someone who reciprocates your love.

[Betweenthebars]

I think sending a short note is a good plan, and I applaud you - you have handled the situation much more gracefully than I ever would. I really hope someone more consistent shows up in your life =)

[Daligal83]

I don't know if you should pursue anything with this guy. For whatever reason, he has chosen to not go after something more serious with you. His behavior is all over the place...do you really want to date a guy like that? I'm sure he'd be the same way in a relationship.

 

If you feel like you have to say something, I would shorten it. What you wrote is a little awkward to say to someone in person. I say just let him know that you had fun the times that you spent together and would to do it more often. If he's interested, he should let you know. And let that be it and move on as if you won't hear from him. I wouldn't expect anything out of him.

[Ms Darcy]

Hey Chick -

 

Thanks for the advice! Excellent points.

 

I actually hope to speak with him in person, not to send him a note. You make a great poit about not waiting for him. It's hard to balance saying that I am open to hearing you if you would like to talk, but I am moving on. I don't want to seem like I am waiting. I am not.

 

I am disinterested in saving face or letting out pent up emotions. Rather, I want to be honest, kind, vulnerable, and firm at once. I want to look him in the eye and firmly state that I want more without pressuring him for more.

 

I agree that I need to cut it down. Perhaps: ...'From what you said, I thought there might be something there and I care too, but we didn't connect for X months so I assumed you were uninterested. I need someone who cares and is consistent. I wish you happiness."

[Ms Darcy]

I really hope someone more consistent shows up in your life =)

 

Thank you! I hope so too.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know if you should pursue anything with this guy. For whatever reason, he has chosen to not go after something more serious with you. His behavior is all over the place...do you really want to date a guy like that? I'm sure he'd be the same way in a relationship.

 

If you feel like you have to say something, I would shorten it. What you wrote is a little awkward to say to someone in person. I say just let him know that you had fun the times that you spent together and would to do it more often. If he's interested, he should let you know. And let that be it and move on as if you won't hear from him. I wouldn't expect anything out of him.

 

I agree, people show you who they are in the beginning. He'd be just the same in a relationship as well I suspect. I agree keeping it short and sweet is best. Thanks!

[Daligal83]

No problem! I've been in that limbo place several times and it's awful. I know when I've been there I always think there's some action I can take to change it. Usually the answer is no to that haha. With my ex, I did tell him I was interested and he immediately came around and we started dating. It was all great at first until he started pulling the same behavior in the relationship (and a lot of other issues). The dating thing is all so complicated.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks for your insight. I think you are right. At the same time - there is something I can do. Stop it. We haven't talked in a few weeks, but if past is prologue then he'll crawl around again in the future. I can say that I'm moving beyond that, and that will feel really good. That's part of the reason I want to say it to his face.

[Daligal83]

I understand that. Sometimes we just need that closure to really move on and be sure that there was nothing else we could do. I think it's great that you realize that you want more and for whatever reason he can't give that to you, so you shouldn't accept anything less.

[Ms Darcy]

I think patience has been the hardest part. Once your patience is starting to run low, it's easier to walk.

[Daligal83]

I totally agree! It's much easier when you are fed up with the person/situation.

[Ms Darcy]

Of course there is some level of it that's hurtful too. I felt this instant attraction, but didn't *really* know he felt something too until August. Kind of started to hope in August.

 

Deflated.

[Daligal83]

Of course, it's incredibly frustrating. It's not often that there's that spark with someone, so it's really disappointing when it doesn't pan out. There will be another person you click with though and you won't be able to find him if you're wasting time on someone who can't give you what you want. And try not to take it personally. It's his issue that he isn't doing anything about it...obviously he likes you, he even said so. So it's not you.

[Ms Darcy]

Amen to that sister. When you spend energy on one guy, you can't be open to others. How'd you get so smart?

[capuccino83]

Hey Ms. Darcy, my boyfriend and I had a discussion on a similar topic (I ask him a lot of what if question or my girl friend's dating questions or his perspectives on my past blunders). His general POV is that a guy who is interested isn't going to flip flop around the issue. His POV, and this has been my experience as well, is that guys are generally certain on what they want or they don't want, so setting boundaries or being assertive doesn't really work in this situations. So I also think that you shouldn't contact him or do anything. As my boyfriend says - if some guy you just barely know does something that annoys you or you don't like..just ignore him, but don't tell him off.. you'll come out saner.

[Daligal83]

I've been providing free therapy to my friends since high school And I'm only good at this when it comes to other people. My serious relationship history? 1) Schizophrenic a-hole 2) insecure and extremely girly, but otherwise OK guy, just not right for me at all 3) alcoholic, depressive guy whose therapist said he had bi-polar and sociopathic tendencies...a-hole to everyone else but not me until the breakup. And I have a long list of hilariously bad dating stories...it provides great entertainment!

[Ms Darcy]

Hey Ms. Darcy, my boyfriend and I had a discussion on a similar topic ... His general POV is that a guy who is interested isn't going to flip flop around the issue. His POV, and this has been my experience as well, is that guys are generally certain on what they want or they don't want, so setting boundaries or being assertive doesn't really work in this situations. So I also think that you shouldn't contact him or do anything.

 

So this is an excellent point. It's hard to get perspective when it's YOU, you know? Then you start to think well, maybe he's afraid to hook up with someone he works with or maybe he's worried about his job.

 

Part of letting go is letting go of my own dream. I had broken up with an ex and prayed for someone with the qualities he has. Not smart. Again, all would have been cool if August mean the start of something. But it just mean this big revelation and then nothing. I'm glad I know feelings were there. I can't help but be curious as to what happened.

 

I certainly have no desire to tell him off though. I know what you mean. I think I'll let sleeping dogs lie. If he pokes his head around, then I'll say something (not to confront but just to be honest), but for now his silence - though painful and deafening - is enough evidence to move on.

[Batya33]

I agree with this however disappointing. If I said anything it would be extremely short and direct "what are your intentions towards me" or "how do you see us?" If he is interested in you and sees potential he will understand the point you are making - and give an enthusiastic response. If he isn't that into you he'll use what you said as an excuse to say "uh not sure what you mean -I like hanging out with you" or "I like being friends with you- you're a cool person".

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with this however disappointing. If I said anything it would be extremely short and direct "what are your intentions towards me" or "how do you see us?" If he is interested in you and sees potential he will understand the point you are making - and give an enthusiastic response. If he isn't that into you he'll use what you said as an excuse to say "uh not sure what you mean -I like hanging out with you" or "I like being friends with you - you're a cool person".

 

Thank you for your sage insight Batya! I agree with the disappointment. And I agree with you ... that I should keep it short and direct. And I agree that if he's into me (enough) then he'll know how to respond. Or he won't know, but he'll try his best lol!

 

It was fun to kiss him and hold hands for those two dates! It's a nice memory.

[Ms Darcy]

I've been providing free therapy to my friends since high school And I'm only good at this when it comes to other people. My serious relationship history? 1) Schizophrenic a-hole 2) insecure and extremely girly, but otherwise OK guy, just not right for me at all 3) alcoholic, depressive guy whose therapist said he had bi-polar and sociopathic tendencies...a-hole to everyone else but not me until the breakup. And I have a long list of hilariously bad dating stories...it provides great entertainment!

 

Ahh, I love free therapy! I hear you sister ... on the crazy exes. I dated a 1) socially awkward 29-year-old ultra conservative virgin 2) bi-sexual emotionally unavailable sex-obsessed food and 3) alcoholic (but technically didn't drink), depressive guy whose therapist said he had bi-polar and narcissistic tendencies...a-hole to everyone including me.

 

Did we date the same guys lol?

 

But walking away from the is soooo empowering. And walking away now will be too.

[oldenoughtoknow]

"If he only knew he is seeing the guru of dating/relationship advice....." True, dat!

 

I know I'm a guy, and we tend to not use as many words per day as women...but I wouldn't bother to say anything. The next time he contacts you for a rendezvous, then give him a few short sentences as to why you're no longer interested. It's not like you're going to teach him anything. He's doing exactly what he wants. From his actions, I'd guess he's either a serial, casual dater (including whatever baggage that contributed to that), or he just wasn't that into you (sorry). I get the sense that you've already invested way more in this guy than he's reciprocated. Instead of wondering when he'll cross your path again, concentrate on finding the next lucky guy.

 

Stick a fork in him...he's done.

[Ms Darcy]

"If he only knew he is seeing the guru of dating/relationship advice....." True, dat!

 

I know I'm a guy, and we tend to not use as many words per day as women...but I wouldn't bother to say anything. The next time he contacts you for a rendezvous, then give him a few short sentences as to why you're no longer interested. It's not like you're going to teach him anything. He's doing exactly what he wants. From his actions, I'd guess he's either a serial, casual dater (including whatever baggage that contributed to that), or he just wasn't that into you (sorry). I get the sense that you've already invested way more in this guy than he's reciprocated. Instead of wondering when he'll cross your path again, concentrate on finding the next lucky guy.

 

Stick a fork in him...he's done.

 

Always great to hear from a guy I agree, I must take care not to wait. I must keep it movin.

 

You are so right in that he does only what he wants. He CANNOT AND WILL NOT do anything he does not want. Saying that he wasn't that into me doesn't hurt me. HE hurt me. YOU are good!

 

Oh, boy, the next guy is going to be one lucky bastard.

[Daligal83]

Um, that third one is scarily similar!!! Except my ex drank...which led to the break up. In fact, he passed out drunk as we broke up on the phone. I heard him snoring.

 

I think our new plan of action should be to combine stories, write a book, and make millions. We should at least get something out of this!

[Ms Darcy]

Um, that third one is scarily similar!!! Except my ex drank...which led to the break up. In fact, he passed out drunk as we broke up on the phone. I heard him snoring.

 

I think our new plan of action should be to combine stories, write a book, and make millions. We should at least get something out of this!

 

I think you are on the right path lady! What shall we call the book?