Orgasm from Penetration Alone

[Fudgie]

So what do you suggest we do, DN? Tell the man that we don't orgasm everytime and then feel SO Pressured to orgasm that we get turned off? Or when we don't orgasm and we tell him about he, he sulks for DAYS and never gets over it? That was my experience.

[reboundstudent]

Suspension of belief and some white lies are part and parcel of a relationship. I know intellectually a man is going to check out other women while he's with me... it doesn't mean I want him telling me about it, or that I automatically jump to "He's lying" when he says he only has eyes for me. Likewise, crushes on other people while in a long term relationship are fairly common, but actually admitting or elaborating on the whole truth of the crush could be needlessly harmful on your partner's self esteem and trust. In my opinion, having tried it, complete honesty about all things in a relationship is a naive notion and un-sustainable. And assuming that because someone lies about one thing means they lie about everything is a pretty black-and-white way of looking at the world.... People can lie to spare someone's feelings, and people can be honest to wound someone's feelings. Dishonest and honesty are tools, it's the intention and purpose behind why they're used that matter the most.

 

If a guy thinks he gets his partner off, and the girl is happy with what she's getting, what exactly is the harm?

 

Frankly, any time I've tried to be honest with a guy, it's resulted in nothing but frustration. I have yet to be with a guy who is patient enough to get me there... if it takes too long or I instruct too much, it does nothing but fluster and annoy him, bruises his ego and makes him resentful (or, worse, see ME as an insurmountable problem and thus stop trying all together.) If the relationship is good in all other ways, and I enjoy sex without the need to orgasm, then is it really worth creating so much tension and unhappiness just to stick to the "truth"?

[DN]

So what do you suggest we do, DN? Tell the man that we don't orgasm everytime and then feel SO Pressured to orgasm that we get turned off? Or when we don't orgasm and we tell him about he, he sulks for DAYS and never gets over it? That was my experience.

If that is the case that is his problem.

 

Other people's behaviour doesn't excuse lying. If you don't have the courage to tell the truth and maybe work out a better way then you are as much to blame as he is. And if he 'never gets over it' that's his problem and maybe you should be looking for a partner who is more secure.

 

But once he finds out you are lying - you will get he same reaction anyway.

 

As for telling white lies and what's the harm? I already told you. Once you get caught out nothing you say will be believed. You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. So many women are now publicly admitting to lying that you are poisoning the well for all other women - soon no man will believe anything a woman says about a relationship if you go on like this. You are undermining the very foundations of a stable relationship - and you are blaming the people you are lying to. It really is very unwise.

[reboundstudent]

That's ridiculous that somehow it's poisoning the well for all women. This whole thread was about how the guy I was talking to was SO positive h wasn't being lied to... Every single one of my partners has had the same attitude, no matter how much I pointed out that it was statically impossible. No guy seems to actually believe he's being lied to about this region. One of my ex-boyfriends said his ex physically and verbally abused him, was a soulless, rude * * * * * , and had as much intelligence as a box of rocks-and yet believed whole heartedly she had never once faked it.

 

To flip the genders around, guys hide their porn habits from their girlfriends and wives all the time... And yet I don't see anyone in those threads encouraging the guys to tell their significant others about all the naked girls they're fantasizing about, and how if the girl doesn't like it it's HER problem. If she doesn't like the fact that her guy is checking out/drooling over other women, reasonable girls just ask that the guy be discreet, and the girl will look the other way and believe him when he says he never watches porn or looks at other women. And yet that isn't undermining the very foundations of a stable relationship.

 

Again, why is so bad if everyone is getting their needs met? You would destroy a perfectly fine relationship over such a trivial issue... and for the girl, it may very well be trivial?

[jingletruck]

As for telling white lies and what's the harm? I already told you. Once you get caught out nothing you say will be believed. You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. So many women are now publicly admitting to lying that you are poisoning the well for all other women - soon no man will believe anything a woman says about a relationship if you go on like this. You are undermining the very foundations of a stable relationship - and you are blaming the people you are lying to. It really is very unwise.

 

This is absolutely true. I had an ex who faked orgasms from penetration when we first started dating. This went on for months. Finally she told me that she only had orgasms when I went down on her. I was angry that she wouldn't even consider telling me and trusting me to work on it. I never really believed anything she said about sex from that point on.

[DN]

Again, why is so bad if everyone is getting their needs met? You would destroy a perfectly fine relationship over such a trivial issue... and for the girl, it may very well be trivial?

Because it may be trivial to you but to others it isn't (see the poster above) - he is validating my point about lies undermining a relationship.

 

I think your porn reference is a false parallel.

 

I am not going to belabour the point any further - I have made my position clear and my advice remains the same: don't lie about this because it won't serve you. But if you want to patronise and deceive your partner (and, incidentally short-change your own sex life) then it's your decision to make.

[greywolf]

I agree completely! But what if it was reversed and the guy did not orgasm. How calm would a woman be if he said it was perfectly okay and he had a great time? A shared orgasm is a powerful experience for both parties. Surely if your male partner did not climax but told you that he did not consider it a problem, a few eyebrows would be raised. Sex can be great even without a climax for the man, right?

 

That would be fine with me as long as he kept on wanting sex.

[PaintWithLight]

That would be fine with me as long as he kept on wanting sex.

 

Yes that is exactly the situation. Wanting more and more and more. At some point during a very long session, it becomes less about chasing yet another orgasm and more about really being in the moment and all the stimulation. You are riding this wave of sensation that you never want to end.

[greywolf]

Because it may be trivial to you but to others it isn't (see the poster above) - he is validating my point about lies undermining a relationship.

 

I think your porn reference is a false parallel.

 

I am not going to belabour the point any further - I have made my position clear and my advice remains the same: don't lie about this because it won't serve you. But if you want to patronise and deceive your partner (and, incidentally short-change your own sex life) then it's your decision to make.

 

Like I said earlier, I think it is best to be honest about it and to find a guy where you feel comfortable being honest about it, but I completely understand why girls lie about it. It is a lot of pressure to deal with, especially when you feel like there is something wrong with you.

 

Among all the females in my life that I am close enough to talk to about our sex lives, I am the only one that cannot orgasm from penetration alone. That really makes me feel like crap sometimes. Luckily, the first guy I slept with never made me feel pressured about it, so I had a good experience and I'd never be with a guy that made me feel pressured about it after that. But if my first guy had made me feel pressured about it, I might have lied about it. And if my first time was a really bad experience, I might have continued to lie about it.

[doyathink]

Yes that is exactly the situation. Wanting more and more and more. At some point during a very long session, it becomes less about chasing yet another orgasm and more about really being in the moment and all the stimulation. You are riding this wave of sensation that you never want to end.

 

I wonder how many men feel this way...

 

Im sure its been said here already, but I do believe it's generally easier for a man to climax with penetration alone, then it is for many women. Its few and far between that I can from penetration alone. Depends on the guy, and how he 'preforms' the length of time he can go, and how hes 'built'.

[annie24]

He said the only reason I couldn't is because I'm "damaged," and that if a woman can't finish from intercourse alone it's because she has issues and can't relax.

 

I think it would break my heart if a guy I loved called me damaged because I couldn't perform in bed the way he wanted me to. I think it would be harder to have an orgasm if I felt "pressured" to do so. I know someone who is dating a man who gets very angry if she doesn't orgasm and honestly, that would be hell and torture - i don't know how/why she puts up with it. That just makes it harder to relax and enjoy things. It's like "pressuring" yourself to go to sleep - it just doesn't happen like that. I wish he knew that a bottle of wine and some lube would achieve orgasm more often than an argument. jeez.

[annie24]

something else i want to point out that hasn't been mentioned - some women actually orgasm during rape. that doesn't mean that it isn't rape, but that orgasm is an involuntary reaction, something out of her control. many women can feel ashamed because of it.

[Fudgie]

Sad. They shouldn't feel ashamed. It's just a biological response. Their heart doesn't have to be in it at all. And it definitely doesn't make the rape "okay" by any means or somehow gives indirect consent.

[Brownstone322]

something else i want to point out that hasn't been mentioned - some women actually orgasm during rape.

Ya know, I used to think that sounded preposterous, but I did some reading, and sure enough, that's definitely true. I've always assumed that orgasm originated in the brain and that it required a certain state of mind, but one has to wonder how it really works.