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How to Turn Down Ex's Invitation to Birthday Party?

Nirvana1986

By Nirvana1986
in Getting Back Together

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Nirvana1986 Rookie

Nirvana1986

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Hey there!

 

I would like your opinion on a situation. My ex and I have been broken up for almost six months. We have had NC > LC > NC and now we went back to LC again, trying to keep it friendly. Our break up wasn’t necessarily very messy apart from the fact that she got a new partner very quick after we broke up. But there was no cheating, lying, nor calling each other names or any of that stuff. This is mainly why I am trying to stay friendly with her.

 

Anyway, like I said, our communication is very limited… once a week, the most. Last week she sent me a text asking me if I knew of someone that would want to adopt a cat she had just rescued. I replied jokingly that I would adopt if it wasn’t for my two big monsters already living at the house. She sent me a picture of her laying on the bed with the kitty so I could see the kitty, but how do I wish she had never sent me her picture. She looked beautiful. I quickly deleted the pictured after seeing it, of course didn’t say anything to her, but now I am back to dreaming of her. I have not dreamed of her for the past 2 months or so. Anyway, we still texted back and forth for a little bit and then she said “Oh, don’t forget my birthday party next Saturday at my house. I really really hope you can make it. It’s been too long”. I told her I wasn’t sure but I was going to let her know by mid next week (this week). She lives about 3 hours away, but she knows that’s not an issue with me. When we were together I was driving to her almost every weekend. I already know I am not going. I am not ready. I can’t go. I am not going to go to see her with her partner (as far as I know they are still together but I don’t know much details because I don’t ask and she doesn’t tell me). But also, it’s the second time she has invited me to town… last time was really easy to turn down because I had family in town so I couldn’t go anyway. I don’t really want to make up a BS excuse and have to lie to her, but at the same time, I know she has no idea I still have feelings for her. Anyway, I was thinking of maybe sending this text tomorrow and I would like to see your opinion on it… I know I am probably over thinking this, but your advice will be much appreciated!

 

“Hey A,

 

While I do appreciate you inviting me to your birthday party, I don’t think it’s a good idea for me. I am not quite ready for that just yet. I do want to wish you a very, very, Happy Birthday, and I hope you have a great day surrounded by your friends and loved ones.

 

L.

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shuttlefish Explorer

shuttlefish

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I would just tell her sorry, but you are busy that night. I wouldn't tell her that you are "not ready" - don't feed this woman's ego. But that's just me, i got too much pride perhaps.

I would wish her a happy birthday though and leave it at that.

 

it's funny/odd that the reason she wants you at her party is because it's 'been too long" (since you'd seen her presumably) - it's not like you are really going to spend any quality time with her (with all her friends etc around) so ....why....more ego feeding or game playing I'm suspecting

 

I might be wrong about this, but with ex's its never what it seems to be.

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learning2relax Contributor

learning2relax

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Sounds like she is ready for friendship and you aren't. My two cents.....I would word your response like this:

 

“Hey A,

 

Thanks for the invite. Sorry, I have to decline. Happy Birthday, have a great time.

 

L.

 

Short and sweet, too the point without revealing to her where you are at and thus giving her more power or feeding the power she has.

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Grace696 Contributor

Grace696

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I agree with DN and HeartGoesOn that your message is fine as it is.

 

Apart from the fact that I'm a great believer in honesty, it might be good for her to realise that this is difficult for you, as she can then be perhaps a bit more sensitive. I've sort of been in her situation before when friends with an ex and I felt like a * * * * when I found out he still had feelings and I'd been expecting him to hang out with me and my new boyfriend and be fine about it.

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Nirvana1986 Rookie

Nirvana1986

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Thanks everybody for your help!

 

I think I am going with DN, HeartGoesOn and Grace696 advice.

 

For the past five months, I have tried so hard to not feed her ego and now I feel like maybe I just need to try this approach and be honest (without giving too much details, of course). After this text, I am going to try to lower communication with her, maybe she will get the point and make it easier. But it's been really hard to maintain NC with her, I have blocked her number, but by the time my block request expires, she still reaches out. Thanks again everybody!

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Nirvana1986 Rookie

Nirvana1986

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Dont say you are not ready...say you are busy/you cant show up,,thats much better

 

 

to me it sounds like she is still interested somehow

 

Thanks for your input! I still haven't sent her the text. I think I am going to wait until Friday afternoon to send her the text since the party isn't until Saturday anyway.

 

I really have no idea if she is still interested somehow, I usually try to push those thoughts out and say to myself that she couldn't be interested while she has a partner. It did leave me feeling uneasy after I got the picture she sent... The last time I saw her was when we broke up, close to six months ago, and seeing the picture made me feel like I had just seen her all over again.

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