I'm a survivor

[meoww]

One thing I always thought was really creepy was how she projected all her abandonment issues from my father onto me. As if she wanted me to be the boyfriend who says in a breathless, cinematic sort of way--I'll never leave you. It just crosses all kind of uncomfortable boundaries for me. I don't know it really grosses me out actually. My whole she's been like that, my earliest memories of her are like that--her having some kind of psychotic breakdown in the car, or in the house somewhere--while she screams and cries that I'm leaving her or something.

 

She just lives in this dreamworld--it used to be really bad. Now I think she realizes even I won't indulge her so she's toned it down a bit. I never talked about it on here but she used to be obsessed with toys for children and stuff. Kid's books. etc...dancing stuffed animals and other things and if I didn't approve, she would throw a tantrum. Wowowowowow-it's just so so so so not normal. I should have told my grandparents, or someone. If I rejected these stuffed animals or books--she'd take it so personally, like it was a rejection of her. And then she'd call me a spoiled brat who was pretentious--I mean, really? I'm in my twenties.

[meoww]

well I guess it's time for all this journaling to come to an end--at least on this topic. I think the best release for me at this point in my life, would be to complete a creative project detailing my life experiences. Something that makes me feel heard after so much silence. I always hated that there are so many traumatizing things you can talk about these days--being a refugee, survivor of war, survivor of disease--and yet something almost trivial in comparison is such a taboo. I didn't choose my family, but being abused is part of me--and I can't you how many times I've felt rejected because I finally told someone about what was really going on in my life. That really has to stop. Feel a little teary eyed for the first time in a few days--Closing this is what I want to do now.

[meoww]

Reflections on the past year

 

If anyone who has been in my shoes has come accross my journal, I hope that I can be part of your healing process. I just read through my entries from the previous year (well it hasn't been quite a year yet, about 7-8 months) and it brought back so many memories.

 

I wish you the best in your recovery. I think the most important thing is to have a private outlet for your anger and grief. I know how hard it can be to carry so much anger all the time. Your anger is legitimate and you have every right to feel rage about how your abuser has treated you. No matter what anyone says, you have to believe that none of it is your fault. For example, I know that my mother is incapable of close relationships with people, she is estranged from her family and has no close friends. If she had to live with anyone, I'm pretty sure she would start to behave inappropriately. I know some abusers just pigeonhole one victim and seem to be high functioning or social but mine was not although she seems to act normal in the workplace.

 

Don't be discouraged if you are so depressed that even the simplest of tasks seem difficult to achieve. I still struggle daily with motivational issues but I realized that I'm partly so hard on myself because I was abused and I have a very negative self-image. My lethargy lessens when I avoid negative patterns of thinking.

 

You are not damaged. Remember that there are many dysfunctional families, even if outright abusive behavior is not present. Be grateful that you are conscious enough to break the cycle and live the life you have always dreamed of. In some ways, you are pretty lucky, because you don't have any family obligations to live up to, you are free! (if, as in my case, your abusers are your parents)

 

You will experience disappointment in life, even if you recover fully. I wrongly assumed that everything would fall into place once I 'fixed' myself. Once you forgive yourself for your previous mistakes, the ones you made while still deep in your hurt and suffering, you will be largely at peace with the way things are.

 

Always remember that your abuser doesn't really deserve your love and compassion. They didn't care if they alienated you from your community, friends, and family. They didn't care if they caused you to suffer in your work or at school. They didn't care if you had to depend too heavily on friends or others who simply didn't have the resources to meet all your needs. Abusers are destructive people, and they force everyone around them to scramble to make things work their way. They don't feel remorse for your lost childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, or whatever time you sacrificed because you were seeking their love and acceptance. They didn't even care when you loved them and wanted to things to work. They didn't even feel it was enough when you tried to see the world the way they did. Even now, there are times when I forget that my own abuser will most likely never change and will never be satisfied with me.

 

Sometimes you may feel, as I have, that you have lost something, or that your innocence has been taken from you. Unfortunately, this isn't up to us. I still haven't figured out how to deal with it. I try to take pride in my strength and ability to understand myself and make decisions that I know will make me happy. But other times, it's hard to want to be part of the world when you don't have any of the right tools or resources to participate the way that you want to. I let myself feel the complexity of my emotions. I know that in the past I relied on a common coping mechanism called splitting, to deal with my overwhelmed senses and emotions but now I know that things are not black and white.

 

If possible, use your experience to bring more compassion into the world. You have firsthand experience with violence and perhaps mental illness.

 

You have been given just as much as what has been taken from you, even if the gifts you have aren't what you wished for. Use the gifts you have now to get to where you want to be.

 

I could go on and on about this. Allow your true spirit to shine through. Don't be afraid to fail, because you won't!

 

Imagine all the people who never believed in you apologizing in 10-15 years time for not supporting or believing in you. (lol, I honestly wouldn't know what to say. I would hope I would be gracious about it)