I'm a survivor

[meoww]

just to elaborate on points 2 and 3, growing up I honestly didn't even know there was a difference between right and wrong. I really think this a big part of why I feel so unhinged as an adult. It has taken me almost 2 years to assemble my own values--since I honestly grew up being completely numb and unaware of the existence of ideology or ethics--we just kind of lived, and they would just do whatever they wanted to me and there was no concept of 'family' or 'raising' a child, or anything. It's so hard to explain...there was no routine either, in terms of responsibility once my dad got me a debit card and wanted to teach me how to budget but he didn't really follow through. That was about it. I swear I learned everything I know about human beings from the books my parents gave me, since I was alone all the time, and school and my friends. It never occurred to me that my friends lives were so different until we all grew up and I realized how messed up I am. My parents are also completely unaware of what's going on in the world and have no opinions about stuff like race, genocide, government, education etc. I mean, of course they pick up a few talking points here and there but I've heard them talking about exactly the same issues (only related to their line of work) for the past 20 odd years I've been alive!

 

but again, it probably stems from point 1--being that they don't have much exposure to anything outside their very small little bubble. ugh it's so frustrating!! It's been such a journey just to feel somewhat human. I used to be like that girl from this link removed

 

I had this flash of remembering some of the stuff that happened to me during the _______, and it's so scary. I can't believe what I've endured--all so silently. I am such a idiot. Who punishes themselves like this? I don't know how I can face anyone from my past--my life is like something out of a horror movie but I'm not comfortable interacting with people who know my mother and don't know any of this. I really want them to know, mostly for my sense of vindictive revenge but that's okay right? Isn't that called justice? But it's so bad, I don't know if I should or can say anything.

[meoww]

anyway, it's a mind * * * * ...they look like relatively normal people on the outside, and when pushed by outsiders in conversation to think/give their opinions they sometimes manage to rise to the occasion, but given the choice, in private, their lives quickly degenerate. It's so weird--does happen a lot? I mean apparently so, considering the scandals you read about in the paper all the time.

 

I wish these people would just be themselves, then it would be a lot easier to filter them out. Deception is so difficult to identify sometimes. I briefly thought about thanking my mother for teaching me just how vile humanity can actually get, but that's not going to happen, of course--what was I thinking. It just makes me sick--some people are only moral because of outside pressure.

 

In that sense they are like kids, after having a lot more exposure to kids--i see that kids aren't usually born all civilized at stuff haha. I know that's obvious, but I was surprised by how base kids really are. They're violent, sexual, and very self serving creatures. I wouldn't know the first thing about teaching kids how to be human. Here I am, over thinking stuff again!!! point being--properly socializing kids and adults is really important!!

 

had a good nightmare: where I told my family about my mom--the only bad part was that it was at a family dinner--and I was going NUTS- I grabbed my moms head and basically forced her to confess by smacking her in the head many times...I felt an immense sense of relief when I woke up though. I remember when I asked her to confess, she said, they already know anyway---which was the exact moment I knew she was lying. She lies all the time and now I know when she's actually doing it.

[meoww]

Had a few more vivid dreams last night but I don't remember them all...oh one was about my dad---there are some very steep steps leading up to my mother's house and I had a dream that my father was really old and frail and I was helping him down the steps. The steps were more difficult to descend than usual, and I slipped, but kind of slid like a penguin on ice down one step and my dad did the same. I was holding his hand and we kept doing this but then he got a bit impatient, turned the corner and took the last 4 steps at a slight running pace, I knew this wasn't going to end well. I called out to him, and he tried to jump and land on his feet but collapsed, crumpled onto the concrete. I was really shocked and I screamed something---I don't remember what it was. He let out this terrifying sound and tried to stand up but he was this bloody mess. I woke up at 5AM-terrified.

 

The weird thing--is that I have these nightmares about him surprisingly often, even when I don't consciously think about him.

[meoww]

so I remember another really mean my ex did. When we were traveling in ______, I dropped his point and shoot (well, his parents p&s, emphasizing this was not a nice camera btw ) and he was SUCH a jerk about it. I obviously didn't mean to and intended to replace it but he kept acting like this was further proof of my inability to do anything right. God I don't know why I put up with him. He was SO mean to me...I wish I would have just dumped him when we were traveling.

 

I felt so heartbroken though, since he had broken all his promises to me...it just wasn"t what I expected. However, at least I now take to heart that people are not predictable and you have to be prepared for anyone to turn on you. I really didn't know him well enough to make the assumption that all the things he said were true.

 

His reaction makes me so uncomfortable, even thinking about it now. I must have looked like such a weakling in front of his friends, letting him treat me with such contempt and disdain. I really should have just enjoyed the experience without him.

 

I really hope he actually takes the time this Yom Kippur to think about his actions toward me. But he probably won't. I am not Jewish by the way. Anyway, I'm just getting more mad the more I think about the things I forgot and are now surfacing since I have gotten past the pain of losing him.

[meoww]

Okay after many weeks of letting myself be free to express my anger directly, I'm going to try harder to write less emotionally. I don't think it's good for my state of mind at this point. I will try to work through my problems without getting overly agitated! Here's to that.

[meoww]

okay so I'm going to try writing about this thing that's bothering me in a less volatile way. I knew something was weird about my ex, when I had broken up with my other ex two weekends before getting together with him--since he was a mutual friend, the 3 of us met together to talk about the budding relationship. At this point, my other ex (gr this sounds so dramatic but it wasn't since it was a passionless relationship, not sure if that helps my case) anyway my other ex was understandably upset that I had chosen to pursue a mutual friend, and so quickly. So I honestly said, I get where you are coming from but I need you to know that _____ makes me happy. The entire time _____ just acted like a massive * * * * about everything, he refused to say anything compassionate to my ex ex and was very childish. I was puzzled by this, since I thought he would be like, oh ____, sorry I kind of betrayed you, but we're friends and I hope someday you'll understand. He had no intention of conceding anything to begin with, which made me suspect he had no respect for ____, although he claimed they were good friends. I was right, his friendship to _____ meant nothing to him. It worried me that he felt the same way about me, that I was just disposable. Looks like in the end I really was.

 

But it's pretty common to meet people like this. It tore me up like crazy that he moved to _____, spent so much time with me and my friends, and in the end he really looked down on us. At least it seemed that way. I don't think I'm wrong about that. It really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth about living in ______. I wish my memories didn't have to be so tainted since it was kind of beautiful experience that I'll forget. It's such a unique place and I doubt I'll ever be back.

[meoww]

my god, I just can't wait to be in my forties-fifties maybe even my thirties- someday, and have all this be a faint memory. The amount of drama, for lack of a better word, that has characterized my life is absurd. I was thinking the other day, if someone to ask me, "where are you from?" I wouldn't be able to answer. I'm really rootless.

 

I wouldn't want to explain to new partner all the messed up relationships i've had. I'd be afraid they would stop being interested in me. I'm thinking about saying something kind of offhand like, well, I've have my share of relationships but nothing really significant. I need to be somewhat careful about the way I portray my relationships since I don't want to come off as a nut job.

[meoww]

sigh--I'm so disappointed in myself for making so many poor decisions when I knew better a lot of the time. Things are hard enough without doing things like that.

[meoww]

This may be a little premature, but I'm thinking of retiring this diary...I got much of what I needed to get out in here. Now I know that writing down my problems helps me release myself from them, since I'm able to carry on but always have access to the written record if necessary.

 

I'm thinking about floating the full account of the abuse into cyberspace somehow--just not through this site. Then, I'll really feel like there is nothing left to say. !! It's so good to feel like I'm ready to move on from this. It was always a terrible injustice but the only person it hurt was me--even if people had been more empathetic or caring, even if I'd known to seek the right resources, I'd still have to get over it somehow. That's just it. The more downtrodden or screwed up I get, the more power I give my mother--and I don't need to do that anymore, I'm not a kid anymore, and she can't hurt me anymore, and I don't need to heed the well meaning advice of anyone who believes family member get a break from violence or doing appalling things.

 

I guess my last comments will be about this issue--I wish someone would have just told me to get away from them, that I was justified in cutting ties forever. There is nothing I could have done to make them stop being abusive, and it was not my responsibility to be the family therapist or bread winner. So anyone reading this journal knows of someone who is being abused/or in a weird family situation that's pretty unhealthy, even if you can't help them financially or really do anything other than listen sometimes and give occasional advice--the best gift you can give a person in a abusive situation is the power to leave--make it clear that the abusers will never change. Make it clear that there is no negotiation. The most toxic thing in an abusive relationship is compromise--the rational response to conflict.

 

Abusers aren't rational, they're not emotionally mature, and they don't have empathy. More than likely, they are incredibly selfish. Even if it seems like they are normal people on the outside, they aren't. They are terrible people who should be locked up in all honesty. So please don't tell the person being abused that they just need to be patient, or try to work it out. I tried to be supportive and good to my parents my entire life and it nearly destroyed me. If you know anyone in this kind of situation, please give them even an hour of your time to help them start to understand that they need to cut all abusive ties. Even if the person in question seems angry, or unstable, they need your help more than they may ever let on.

 

That's a wrap...I'm ready to move on and finally live my life without constant guilt, feelings of shame and helplessness. I hope I can help a few others along the way!

[meoww]

Reopening this since I need a good vent. I'm going to a conference but my issues with my mother and ex ex are surfacing again.

 

On 'mom': I wish she would stop haunting my head! I hate it when our interests align, like when what's good for her is good for me... This has always been an issue, since I was about 7 or so. This would result in self sabotaging--turning down any opportunities she gave me, because honestly, I just lose my head (it's honestly really hard to control the impulse to just get away/my mind just goes blank and I feel this overwhelming panic) when I think of her smugly thinking she has had any hand in my happiness. I had forgotten about how early that anger started. I used to be somewhat good at blocking her out until I started feeling compassion for her--it's getting easier to remember that she's an adult, like me, with the same brain and human abilities that I have-she's just choosing, over and over again, not to exercise them. I think I remembered how I felt about her since I am getting back to being that strong person I used to be. Now I remember why I was disgusted with her from a young age--in high school and university I thought it was some kind of defect in my personality that I was so indifferent and unaffected by her as a little girl but I see now that it was almost like a natural self defense mechanism. Good to remember!

 

On ex ex:

 

I just feel so raped or something. He honestly creeps me out so much. I was way too young for him and I was never attracted to him and he totally took advantage of my crisis. At that point I was so depressed and traumatized, I needed to get to a woman's shelter or something, not straight into the arms of a controlling, immature and at times verbally abusive man. I was obviously a wreck, and he was one of the few people who had witnessed my truly chilling panic attacks, etc. But he was nuts. I need to remember that.

 

 

Everything in life works like that I guess: both bad and good luck snowball...Okay, that's right. It was all just bad luck.

 

It's my way saying this isn't real. All those bad people are gone now...They are gone and they can't hurt me anymore. I wish that creep never entered my body. It's so disgusting. I feel so much shame about that. It's SO disgusting. I wish I could cleanse myself and stitch myself back up or something. I wasn't even a virgin. I just feel so freaked out by sex these days. So much of sexual activity is coercion. By both sexes.

 

 

Scared about my future in the US: Dalton Conley says it all when he comments on therapy as the outsourcing of compassion. I was reading something about how job seekers in the US increasingly face issues like depression, etc, then noting that some unemployed folks can no longer afford their health insurance. Which then lead me to think, why don't any of these journalists write more on how people can help the unemployed feel less alienated just by being good friends, basically by being less superficial and judgmental? ugh seriously I really dislike so many things about this situation, the unemployment of course is the most unsettling, but the irresponsible journalism and the natural expectation that job seekers should feel humiliated and embarrassed by their lack of work is aggravating. I'm such a flaming liberal but srsly, compassion and personal responsibility go hand in hand. I'm not looking forward to facing this mess when I get back.

[meoww]

Forgiveness?

 

maybe I can forgive myself. I think that would help. I forgive myself for letting myself be controlled by creepy _______ when I knew it was a very bad decision all along. The last 2 years have been a really intense project to raise myself and give myself the love that I always needed as an infant, child and adolescent. So it's natural that I latched on to _______ when I was 20, since I was basically half dead from being abused. I think it's okay to forget that we had a sexual relationship. I want to think of myself as cleansed from all the disgusting stuff I have been subjected to in my life. I just want to feel clean.

 

So there we go. I know it's really new age of me but I'm going to some kind of ritual cleansing pseudo-baptism or something. Otherwise I am going to be grossed out for the rest of my life!!!

 

I know in my heart that I need to detach from the memories of my past. WHO WAS THAT PERSON? she freaks me out to no end. It's like everything I used to believe in was completely wrong. I have such a good head on my shoulders now, I find it hard to believe I was so easily controlled by creeps and thought and did such strange things. Anyway,

 

As they say, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. I think this is going to be crucial in my healing process.

 

Everything's getting better but I'm so scared. There it is, my big black worry--more like paranoia. I am totally paranoid that now that things are getting better, god or something is going to strike me down dead or something. I am not, and have never been religious. Nor was I raised to be. But I suddenly get this way when things are going well. I feel like there is a sinister force that is going to sabotage me now that I'm out on my own. In my life, there has always been someone (my mother) behind the curtain trying to bring me down--and in some cases blatantly trying to undermine me.

 

To calm myself, I just want to say, chances are you're going to be fine. I know you don't want to die like this. You don't want to die not having lived the life you always wanted to live. You will be safe at the conference and everything is going to be okay. If you're not, you can't beat yourself up and say you shouldn't have gone. Life is unpredictable, and you really are doing the best you can. Just try to get through this part. It's almost over!!!! soon soon. Just breeze by these last few months.

[meoww]

So this is what I think I've decided.

 

I've done a good job of no longer getting sentimental about my family situation, I don't let anyone play my little heartstrings anymore and I'm pretty cold now. I'm really proud of myself for that. I would have never gotten anywhere if I hadn't done that. What's up next for the last few months? More of the same I guess.

 

I just need to keep almost any feelings at bay. Whether it's anger, fear, sadness, I just can't let myself feel all these things for now. So much progress!! In my last post I talked about about the paranoia for my safety that I've been feeling which is tough to deal with at times but I don't want to dwell on that either. I'm a blank slate for now.

[meoww]

Wow that was an incredibly tough situation--but for the first time in so long I acted in my self interest despite the fact that I was so tempted to be self destructive. Major points for me. This is a real turning point in my situation. _____. here I come! all expenses paid too

 

just deleted a paragraph paraphrasing how much i hate my mother because it's all stuff I've written before. Today she insisted on going on and on about her friend's (she only has 2 friends that she hardly ever sees) kid's accomplishments and I just wanted to scream at the world. It's one thing to hold your head high and stop caring about the past, it is another to overlook someone pouring salt in a very deep academia shaped wound I have in my soul lol GRRR I really hate her, I can't even express how much I can't wait to dance on this * * * * * 's grave.

[meoww]

Did I mention I did keep my cool? I just didn't say a word. I knew I'd be screwed either way, because if I'm silent, she starts cackling to herself about how jealous I am, and that I'm just too incompetent to achieve as much. So I really tried to keep quiet telling myself that it doesn't matter, I don't have to dwell. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it but I'm going to make it worth it! As long as she's exposed someday--I guess someday she'll get her due. If it doesn't happen in her lifetime, I'll make it a point to do it at her funeral. I hate being so vengeful but she deserves the worst. I really hope she has it coming.

[meoww]

"I think sometimes we think we don't remember because we just never thought about it. In my case, I just tucked away all my memories until I became an adult and realized that my childhood experiences were far from normal. I seemed like a normal person until I started maturing mentally and realized that none of it was normal. It's really tough to work through it, at times I thought I would never get over it. I still feel disgusted sometimes, I'm quite a perfectionist and I never feel good enough. I refuse to make it a lifelong battle though. I think eventually you'll hit a point where you'll have dealt with it appropriately and can move on for the most part.

 

As someone else advised--get a really good therapist. This may open up a pandora's box that you may not be prepared for. I hope you have some decent support in place!! hugs. it really does get better"

 

just copying and pasting something from another thread I replied to that I want to remember. I wrote that comment so quickly I didn't even realize how redundant my use of normal was. i sound kind of stupid but ah well

 

I was thinking about starting a thread called, "How did your relationship to your abuser change over time?" I think it could be interesting.

Anyway, like I said, I really want to close this thread down because I don't want to keep giving my own abuser any power over me anymore!!

[meoww]

So this is me being totally honest.

 

(okay I have to be vain and edit out what I wrote originally. TBH it's actually kind of a good thing--the death of my shame happened during the worst of my depression and I felt no desire and had no ability to better myself at all. This is what I'm keeping)

 

"most of all I see how I'm really limiting myself by continuing to fight battles that just aren't that important. There is so much else I should be thinking about and doing right now. I shouldn't be getting bogged down in this mundane stuff"

---the essence of my post---I'm so proud of myself for purging 80% of _____ out of my head. Since I was dating _____, I never really dealt with the consequences of the decisions I made when I was at that crossroads in my life way back when.

[meoww]

That definitely helped. I don't know why it helps me so much just to write things down. It's just so much easier to forget and move on from bad things when you can write them down.

 

I'm always so exhausted trying to free my mind from so many different kind of limiting and destructive influences. It's like another full time job...Anyway, I guess that's it for the day. I am really feeling pretty good though, like I understand and respect myself for once. yay--too little too late though always

[meoww]

I just had a flash of how emotionally dense I can be:

 

age 20, the last time I ever spoke to my dad. It's winter, I'm home for the holidays and my dad assaults me in front of our family and tries to strangle me at the dinner table, with everyone there. It was the first time my grandparents had ever seen him be violent toward me, and they told me I never needed to speak to him again. And then a month later, I kept wondering, why I do I feel so numb and depressed when he didn't actually end up hurting me and I got what I wanted, which was to get away from him? like I said, dense.

 

I really overlooked so many things--WHY. How did it come to this?

[meoww]

Triggers:

 

in trying to understand my parents, I've been trying to identify their triggers. I wonder if the majority of abusive people have similar ones. My parents are usually always reacting against a perceived wrong--no matter how subtle. The reason I wonder about this is because part of me thinks I'd never actually have to get a restraining order against my mother. My father, who I haven't spoke to for a few years now, has never once sought me out. He always became violent and abuse in response to his interactions with me. He has really unhealthy relationships with anyone he comes accross.

 

my mother (ugh I really hate having to call her that, maybe I'll go back to calling her the monster). Okay so the monster gets upset by the following: smiling, telling jokes, my productivity, my neatness, my perfectionism, my innate curiosity. But she never acts abusive if I'm procrastinating, depressed, or otherwise dysfunctional. The last time I told a joke in front of her (on the phone, to someone else, she just happened to be in the vicinity) she had a mental breakdown in the car and yelled at me for an hour or two--and had a screaming and crying fit. But that was before I had the idea to record her fits--if only I had thought of it earlier!! I almost told it to test my theory that the second she senses any happiness in me she falls apart. It was like clockwork.

 

she is also obsessed with money--just the idea of it. she's far too lazy to find out how people actually make it lol. She worships it, and yet hates it--hence why she hates things like education, being well read and informed, cleanliness, travel, the arts, philanthropy, fashion, and she hates social events--like parties etc. But I swear she has like a freaking orgasm the second someone says the word consultant or something--god she's incredibly weird--I don't even know what class of personality disorders this falls into. She's one of those stupid people who thinks that intellect is like a lightning bolt that the gods hit you with from above or something. She knows the name of every prestigious college in the US but she doesn't have a clue what is going on in any of them. -legal rational authority lol--that's what she worships.

 

anyway--I really would like to know what is wrong with her. My dad is a much more straightforward case of someone with a serious personality disorder. He can't maintain any of his contacts because he's too crazy. My mother is different, she can have superficial relationships with work colleagues, etc. As long the interaction is strictly defined and not personal, she can get by. Also, as long as she doesn't feel threatened--

 

hmm that's something I never thought about either. She's so snarky and competitive at her core. Or maybe she's just kind of stupid. Whatever the cause of her histrionics, she tends to become a bully around people who threaten her and yet have compassion for her--but I guess she's too crazy to realize that no such hierarchy of humans actually exists. She always pushes me away saying that I think I'm too good for her when what she's really afraid of is confronting her own feelings of insecurity and uselessness--

 

sadly, this is where I feel all too related to her. I used to view people in a similar light-in essence, have really low expectations for myself. She can't be related to me--I seriously just don't want to deal with how insane she is.

 

Yeah, it helps somewhat to understand her but she's so screwed up....I used spend a lot of time thinking about how my dad became such a freak as well but sometimes it's hard to make the links, to identify the cause of someone's total dysfunction. I mean they are interesting as far as lab rats go but as people with children and responsibilities they are a horror show.

 

I rely so much on fantasy to keep me going--basically I have to invent some fake story about my origins because my parents disgust me to the point that I can't accept them as real. Not only are they bad people, their rottenness just shows everywhere--in the messy ways they present themselves, their lack of any interests or hobbies, their isolation from people, the dirt and gunk that builds up in their houses over the years--it just shows. I don't know why I have such guilt leaving them behind when I know I did my best to help them. I just feel terrible that some people choose this kind of suffering. It doesn't make any sense. I don't understand why anyone chooses to suffer over anything really. I know that's a contradiction considering I'm suffering right now but some people just really let it get out of control.

 

Okay, back to me--making up a story about being born--you know I'd rather emerge out of a wolf's stomach than my mother's. I'm just disgusted by her--she's really pathetic. Wow--I haven't gone there in so long. I used to think she was pathetic when I was not depressed. When I got depressed I tried being more compassionate toward her--instead of just blocking her out and trying to live myself without her. I'm guessing this is a good thing!!!

 

I can deal with not being 'nice.' I don't have to be nice. I can be disgusted with her. It's okay. I'm so close to being able to cut her off and then it really can just become part of my mythology. Some people just aren't born into the best circumstances. that's fine.

[meoww]

you know what---I really want to challenge myself to do the right thing more. I know I'll never be happy if I don't. I want to challenge myself to actually be a free and moral person. I hate how much moralizing I do on a daily basis but I just have crazy strong convictions--in any case, it doesn't have to be a permanent thing. It'll be a challenge.

 

Let's see if I can do these things during the month of October:

 

1. stop having undue love and affection for people who are never going to be capable of giving it back to me (ie. ______, mom and dad, anyone else who falls into this category. I know I have largely overcome this but even residual feelings can be really distracting for me)

2. be totally responsible--for my future, etc.

3. do something to better the lives of people in my current community

4. not fall into the temptation of---lmao seriously I'm unwittingly becoming a nun or something. anyway, I know what my flaws are. I just want to actually have the courage to stop being a prisoner of my faults and fears. it all sounds so horribly boring doesn't it? but like I said, it's just an experiment and I can always go back if I want. ready, set, go--

[meoww]

okay so in addition to that:

 

i want to pick up

 

a language

learn a programming language

a new instrument

among other things--pretty intense but I think I can start, I have enough free time

[meoww]

just bawled my eyes out reading about the kidnapping and escape of jaycee dugard. It reminds me of my own white trash father, I guess. There was a segment on the news that featured some of his incoherent ramblings and I thought---oh my god, that sounds just like my dad. Something about the way crazy people start to ramble hyperactively and illogically when they know they have been caught doing something even they realize is obviously wrong. My mind is wandering, wondering what the extent of his illness is since I'll probably never know.

 

There was a line in an article online that caught my eye too, it was about how jaycee had the opportunity to escape but was imprisoned by her mind. I feel so depressed knowing the same is true of me. Luckily I wasn't trapped in some creep's backyard for 18 years but I feel like my life up to this point has been stolen from me too.

 

The man who did this was being actively monitored by a parole officer for years! Stories like these also make me realize that it's okay to be angry with the people who have turned the other cheek to my situation. It happens all the time, even much more egregious circumstances.

 

It was somewhat cathartic but still so sad. How is this woman ever going to have a normal relationship? Despite being a rich woman now, with book deals and a lawsuit against California, she's basically light years behind normal people--and her kids--anyway, really depressing..

 

ok--I should probably pack for my trip

[meoww]

another confession:

 

for the first year I was away from ______, I was basically just planning our life together for the future. I even went so far as to pick out things for our apartment for when we got back together. In any decision I made, I always weighed what I thought _____ would like or approve of. Ironically, in discarding that perspective I've probably become much more of the kind of person he'd want to be with. But I think I'm finally getting over it. I don't feel like I'm cowing down to him anymore. It was just so unhealthy! He really came to depend on my adoration in the end. it's so wrong--I don't want him back. Unlike my parents or other people I've dated, he seemed so much smarter and better, I don't get what his problem was. At least now I really know firsthand that dysfunctional people come in all shapes and sizes, and I really need to remember that in case I end up getting attached to someone that I desperately want to work things out with even if they're secretly crazy. It's almost like our relationship had the slightest fighting chance had I chose to pretend and overlook his indiscretions...what a psycho. I want a life that is more than just good on paper!! Like I said before though, I have a hole in my heart where I dread the idea of him becoming a better person. Then I'd feel like I really was the cause of what went wrong between us, as well as a less of loss for what could have been. I wish I could get that doubt out of my head!! What to do. I'm really moving upwards right? I think so. What's wrong? okay--there must be a way to figure that one out. I already realize that he's not really the rare and perfect specimen I used to think he was. Now I just need to realize that it doesn't matter either way. I will find a way to get over this

[meoww]

coming clean about my investigation on my ex's crazy sex life, it's so good to get this out!

 

excuses, excuses--but here's the brief backstory on why I stayed for so long--for 7 months after we broke up he thought it was perfectly fine to say things like I'll never love anyone as much as I love you, all the time he would ask me to move back to the city (for me, not for him, he claimed), begged me not to cut him out of my life, things would have worked out if only you would have changed more quickly, initiated a lot of sexual contact--even though we lived apart at this point etc etc but on the other hand say he really didn't want to be with--and told other people he was so glad to be single and was only using me for sex (which I didn't find out until 9 months after the break up, when I read his email lol but hey, I'm so glad I did, it revealed a lot of ugly truths I didn't want to face)

 

anyway--I know was obviously duped by all the lovely dovey stuff from both the relationship and break up, which is actually fine with me, but it's just the level of deception that is really screwing with my head after all this time.

 

I had no idea people actually did this stuff. I'd feel so weird saying things like I love you more than anyone I've ever loved, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen etc, if it was all just a lie. I really wonder if he did this all the girls he was possibly sleeping with.

 

I did this little investigation--and I realized he was contacting like, just tons and tons of girls and I had no idea obviously since we were long distance by then. I really wanted to know the truth, you know. I finally confronted him and begged him so many times to just tell me the truth about what happened. He knows I read his email--but he doesn't know I checked his cell when I visited him--and reverse looked up all the numbers! I even called one--and this girl answered, and I said, "Hi, who am I speaking with?" which is about the stupidest thing EVER but I wasn't that crafty at that point. Needless to say, she was just like awkwardly, like um, what? and hung up.

 

I was so tempted to find out from his friends--but I honestly think they might not know/ have known. Since I was pretty thorough when I rummaged through his email I realized that he probably doesn't tell people about his 'secret life'---I don't even know if he has one or not!! He just seems way too young for this kind of behavior--or does it begin to manifest in your twenties? I have no idea.

 

I have too embarrassed to admit that I dated someone this awful--even to my friends. They know why I hate him but they don't know all the details. I'm honestly just too embarrassed to bring it up now since it would be weird to be like, you know that guy I thought I was going to marry a year ago--uhh I neglected to mention I read his email and checked his cell during our ambiguous break up and realized he's like a sex crazed creep who will hit on anything with a vagina.

 

seriously--it didn't matter--fat nerdy chicks, russian girls, turkish girls, young, older, thai waitresses--I even found evidence he'd contacted a woman in her forties with a kid!!! omg!! heinous. lol it's really kind of funny now...I can laugh about it now but holy * * * * it was a mind * * * * . The lady I mentioned--she was this blonde--and I found her on facebook after reverse looking up her phone number--and then there's like this system where you can get a name from the number--I don't remember how this all worked. Anyway so I get her name and look her up on facebook. She's this older lady (well not that old, just relative to me) and she's pretty, with a massive rack who works at this bank. and she has like a nine year old kid?

 

so my mind is totally boggled--like maybe sometimes the system just takes a while to update? maybe this number actually belonged to someone else now? There was never any indication that my ex was like this sexual predator before--but there kind of was. When we were friends I knew he'd hit on random girls but it didn't bother me. I just thought cool, he's confident.

 

Seriously I may someday laugh my ass off if I ever have the opportunity to bring this up to his friends--unless they already know.

 

That was the number I called--the voice on the other line sounded a lot younger than I was expecting--however--that doesn't mean much, it just means she might sound young.

 

No wonder my ex didn't want me to know who his new girlfriend was--he was probably afraid I'd contact her about all these little trysts!!! ahhh it's all making so much more sense now. But, then you'd think he would help me move all my stuff out and wash his hands of the whole as soon as possible--but then again liars usually lie to themselves. So, he probably still thinks he did nothing wrong.

 

I was so pissed though--I was like, you better get tested because I certainly am. That was the only indication I gave that I knew what I was going on. Thankfully thankfully I am healthy!!! I still feel really stupid for sleeping with him when I didn't even want to--I was just crying the whole time and he'd tell me to shut up and enjoy it.

 

Yeah--I thought it was the ultimate catch for me--and he was by far the worst boyfriend I've ever had and the most destructive relationship I've ever been in. I'm usually good at calling the get away car and never looking back but since I thought he was so awesome it really hard to pull away

 

writing this out for the first time--it amazes me that I put myself through this!! at times I was fueled by the obsession--needing to know all the dirty details about his sex life that I was missing. I didn't feel like I was 'allowed' to comment on his duplicity--pretending we were exclusive although broken up--

 

he always told me, he hadn't met anyone and that he loved me more than anything--disgusting

 

I remember when it came out about the first I guess 4 girls or 5, oh man, it's just so bad it's so embarrassing. So the first one was this fat but very smart girl who was his friend--but he didn't like the way she looked or they way she kissed. Then he went on a date with this other girl--but she was kinda manly and just average looking--and then I think went and saw his ex girlfriend--who is pretty but I think she trying to get back together with her boyfriend. And THEN--as far as I know--there was this girl he met on the subway--

 

but then he let something slip about her tattoo--and if I remember right it would only be in a place that someone could see if she would have been naked--but he claims they only went out for coffee and that he cancelled their date out of guilt. SIGH--wish I would have pursued the truth more---although obviously I tried in the end and it didn't work

 

The next girl was this RAVING FOOL and not even cute--she had this huge wide smile and huge teeth and looks like an uglier version of jenny lewis. But she kind of looks like me, in the vaguest way and I knew he was going to this party--and I just knew he'd end up with her. So weird, how I deduced this simply from facebook. Anyway, so that happened one night but he even admitted she's not hot.

 

So I think I just kept thinking, he keeps hooking up with all these ugly girls so I'm sure I still have a chance--what in the world I was I thinking?????? So yeah that's only the first few months of our breakup when the sentimentality was in full swing--so many cheesy skype dates and tearful conversations and declarations of our undying love. And I just went along with it, hating it all along. I just hated it. He bored to me tears half the time because he was immature and selfish, but I was so wrapped up in not wanting to face the healing I had to go through with the abuse--from my parents and blah blah blah. I felt like I had ruined my life. I just wanted him to be normal and take me away and we could start over.

 

ah it's just pathetic isn't it? I am thankful to be away from that drama. I felt so much shame for allowing myself to become his victim and keeping silent about all the stuff I knew. I thought if I didn't say it, maybe it'd go away and I'd find he was normal and he was just stressed out or something...that's just nuts.

 

someday I will tell my best friends about it all, but I don't want to do it on the phone or something, I want to be there when I do.

I really am thankful that I know what it's like to be cheated on and lied to, I know I'll pull the wool over my eyes like that again. I really do have a shot at real happiness since I know that sacrificing reality in favor of your delusions is really just short changing yourself in the end. There are countless stories of women, older than me, with children who go through this and it's so much harder then.

[meoww]

did I mention this? I remember telling a friend about how my ex had ended up in bed with two Italian high school girls in Paris on new year's eve during a unplanned layover--and the reply was uh, is he a rapper? that was like the worst night of my life--this was about 2 months before we broke up and I was worried sick about that exact thing happening, and yet I was stuck on _________, at his parent's house. I'm sick, his parents obviously hate my guts and I'm farting up a storm in the bathroom because of this bug I've caught in unsanitary ______.

 

a multipronged disaster--and I was so worried about money during that time too. big sigh of relief for not being that girl with such low self esteem anymore. As a side--he did say that 'nothing happened' and he was facebook book friends with them and one of them did indeed have a boyfriend--but I honestly don't care and believe the worst--I always did. He didn't even tell me about this until A MONTH after we were back in _______. It happened when he broke up with me, he was like uh...by the way---I'm a lying, cheating, * * * * * * * . Not in those words of course. That's how it always was, I never knew until way after the fact.

 

I think talked about these girls before, somewhere. Anyway, according to my calculations there were at least 10 'other' women, if I'm allowed to call them that. Seriously, I had to get up to around 7 or so in my knowledge until I could accept that this guy was really scum. He really seemed so normal, and accomplished, in my defense! There were like at least 10 numbers I could never identify on his phone. I also wonder if he used prostitutes or something--my imagination was really running wild. He totally acted like he was having a midlife crisis when he's only up to the quarter life point.

 

Even when we were dating--it was like he was obsessed with having sex--he didn't want to anything else--well we traveled and ate out a lot but those were the only things we did--he'd want to have sex like 6 times a day which I actually didn't mind. But I remember one time in ______, he injured my cervix or something and I was in serious pain for a while and he was like annoyed by that, like oh, you stupid women who exaggerate your symptoms--it only lasted for a night and we had sex like 5-6 times before then! I didn't complain about pain at all the next day.

 

yeah--so I think he had a problem--but I don't want to think of it that way lest I start feeling sorry for him when it's clear I shouldn't. but it's soooo good to write this all out. it's just so crazy--you know when you're in the midst of it, you never think it's that bad.

 

I'd like to write more, I just need to think of what I want to say.