I'm a survivor

[meoww]

the first indication I had that he might become abusive was when we were on a trip and he had a conference call for work in the early morning so we decided to stay in this cheap hotel instead of camping. He was very emotional during this period and after the call--which he was clearly nervous about--anyway I don't remember exactly but he freaked out on me and threw a pillow in my face (but it wasn't gentle at all, it was forceful)--and then I ran into the bathroom (like I used to do when I was a kid to get away from my dad) and locked myself in there and just cried. In his view, throwing this pillow in my face was romantic or something, like it meant he loved me so much. He was even like you're just pretending to be traumatized by the abuse from childhood--like it was an exaggeration--which I admit it was in part--but I clearly had his number even back then! He was very tearful and begged me to come out and seemed to enjoy the dramatic episode--as further evidence of our intense connection. So yeah--I look back to that time with remorse for being so sensitive, but also wondering why I didn't distance myself from him to begin with. It all seemed worth it if we got married like I thought we would--I obviously have changed my perspective on that. That was just the carrot on the string he used to control me with.

[meoww]

a question about abusive people. why is it that so many of them are beyond rehabilitation? They just seem to get into the same patterns with new people if their victims get away. If the abuser in question is young, do they have a better shot at becoming normal? I'm just so curious about ______, I'd be afraid of contacting him but I really wonder if he has just created another unhealthy and destructive relationship with his current gf. It's hard for me to live without knowing. I suspect this is the case, but I really just don't know. Who will my mother abuse when she can't use me as a shield to absorb all the shocks of the outside world? My dad was an easy case--he just finds new families or friends to get in unhealthy dynamics with.

 

I just imagine years from now my mother and _____ being normal people, looking back on their relationship to me and thinking, what an awful girl she was, even though they were the ones to blame 100%. I really wonder if that's how it's going to be. In that case, how do I maintain my dignity and my moral high ground? Who will believe me then? It'll just be a case of she said he said when that's not the truth at all. Will people really overlook the terrible things they did?

 

I guess I have to accept that life is REALLY just not perfect or just. That's just how it is. I always want to tie up loose ends and make everything perfect but it's just not going to be that way. I always hated the thought of going to my grave with unfinished business--or without justice--but there is no justice, at the end of the day. I need to accept that. There is no right time, or resolution--alright I'm feeling resigned to that. As I read from another poster--live in the moment--I am sucking at this so much. I've gained a lot though from all this reflection--as tedious and time consuming as it is--I used to act without giving enough weight to the important things in life--so hopefully I'll manage to find a balance between living in the moment and making good decisions. I think I'm done for the day now!!

[meoww]

feel surprisingly refreshed after the conference. Energized and motivated--at last! This is exactly what I've been waiting for.

 

So much to say but I don't have enough time at the moment. wow--it finally feels like my life's journey is beginning. And I'm totally alone (in spirit anyway). I am beginning to feel clean--really. Writing all this down is the best thing I ever did!!! thank you ena sooo much for saving me. I have a tendency to be a bit over the top so I'm afraid I'm going to start becoming smug for overcoming all these obstacles. Have to keep my emotional pendulum in check. Hatred for my mother could easily turn into scorn. I want to be beyond that. I just want to live my life the way I want--lol Have to exercise my will power--used to hate this but now it's becoming something that makes me feel strong and in control. I love being independent--I had no idea that life beyond imprisonment and abuse was so easy. That's the thing that keeps hitting me--I'm like, oh, this is all I have to do? I don't have to worry about war (being waged in my country anyway, for now), being sold into sexual slavery, being locked up in someone's basement, murderers--for the most part, just stuff like that. My life is easy--I feel so lucky. When I was attached to my family it seemed like every obstacle was insurmountable, my parents were uneducated, violent, manipulative, boring, controlling, and cruel. I couldn't imagine being human like everybody else!!! but now it feels so normal. It struck me that some of things I experienced are similar to how inmates feel after a lengthy imprisonment. They don't know how to do the most basic things--and it's really stressful. I just want to make it home alive!!!-lol I know that's so paranoid but I desperately want a chance to live my life back home before I die. That's why I have always been such a patriot lol--I seriously love my adopted country soooo much for giving me the freedoms I absolutely need and cherish. I just get teary eyed thinking about how happy I'm going be when I finally make it!!

[meoww]

i feel really dumb for saying hitchens is an american icon on this site. LOL--but seriously is it okay to call someone an american icon even if they are from another country? steve jobs wasn't known as the industrious syrian or something for example...anyway, kind a pointless post

[meoww]

today was a genuinely good day even though I was about to blow my top with a coworker who I really can't stand, instead I completed two surprisingly poignant artworks. Nice. The coworker I'm talking about basically tries to find any excuse to be patronizing or passive aggressive but I caught myself mid word and just let it go. But you know what's weird? I know my body is totally messed up because my 'fight' response was really off the map. I wasn't even mad, but I found myself shaking. I was really caught off guard by that. Nothing happened, it was sort of one those breaking points where you just can't handle someone messing with you anymore--but I honestly didn't really care. But I was still shaking. Luckily she didn't see but the only time I'm ever like this is when I'm backed into a corner--not prepared--for conflict. Then it's like my body can't handle it and I know I'm actually traumatized.

 

Anyway--but many good things happened today--and she apologized later. I don't really care because my days here are numbered! although I was pleasant and everything. Anyway, now it's back to studying etc...I'm finally ready to let go of all the pain. I don't feel detached, I feel strong and opinionated and tactful and clear headed.

 

What a change, it was as if this weekend washed away the last residue of the horrible memories. In my hotel room I cried actually--when I thought about _______. I don't even remember what I was thinking. I was thinking about how much I miss him--but there was more to it. Almost every night I take a pillow and put it on my chest and pretend I can feel his weight on top of me again--but maybe I'm over that?? I don't know. I just know I don't feel crippled by loss anymore. It's still there but it doesn't keep me from enjoying life or taking responsibility...what a relief. I'm so happy about that.

 

For the longest time I felt like this melted mush of blood and bone and organs with nothing to hold me together but now I feel like I have a form--which is honestly why I think the art was so successful--I had something to say and I had an idea of how to say it. For the longest time I also never wanted to imitate anyone--or was under the impression that it's not good to do that, but during the last few years--I have learned so much by imitating others. Part of recovering from abuse was recognizing the concept of mentorship as well as realizing I didn't have any role models growing up...you know, which explains why I felt like this mush ball for a year and a half.

 

And--not to mention in the spring I didn't even know if I was alive or dead!! That was craziest thing I ever went through. I was so depressed that I started thinking I was really dead. I got really paranoid that I might be in hell or something--I really believed it although I don't really remember what that was like now. I don't want to remember this either. Moreover--I don't want anyone else to know!! that's one thing that worries me about future technologies--I really want all my major misfortunes to remain private and not public spectacle.

 

Okay this isn't what I meant to write but I'm just getting stuff out. I am going to eat dinner and hang out so maybe I'll be back.

[meoww]

oh and if anyone who is reading this journal is trying to get out of an abusive situation.

my experience so far: BABY STEPS

 

I finally learned how to stop always trying to hit the ground running and not be so hard on myself. Life is so much easier to handle when you give your simple really simple tasks and work your way up. I've always been the type of person who wants an easy fix, I want it all, now. Learning to be more patient with myself and delay gratification was one of the best lessons I learned in my healing process--hate to bring up the 'monsters' again but my parents don't believe in gratification let alone patience. So I had no precedent for this. These days I really enjoy savoring the process of waiting for what I really want, it's really so much more meaningful that way.

 

But that's kind of off topic--all I meant was that if you're depressed and trying to get away from your abuser you are allowed to take it slow. Don't expect your energy levels to immediate rise--this might actually take years--it did for me. I had to go through a rebirthing process which sounds crazy but it really works! if you believe in it. You have to explore all the dark places you've been avoiding for years--you'll be surprised at how little you know yourself. I'm a totally different person now. I wonder if people can tell, I don't know. Anyway, please be good to yourself and keep up the fight--in time it won't be so hard.

[meoww]

at the beginning of writing this journal I was really guarded about sharing things in case I inadvertently exposed too much of what I was feeling--even though this is all anonymous. I love having this journal so much, someday I hope to share parts of it with my children--whenever that is. It almost gives me chills to read what I wrote even a month before, I seem surprisingly detached or nonchalant when inside I basically was edvard munch's the scream--really I know it's an over used metaphor or analogy or whatever but now I really know what that feels like. Amazingly though, I feel so opened up--I'm also astonished by how much clarity I had in my most painful moments. There are things I learned from that experience that I really hope to never forget. Even though it's over now, it was quite a gift to be able to feel so much and be so observant of the people closest to me. I don't even know if the insights I gleaned are actually true to be honest but...anyway, as much as it sucks getting older physically past basically your teen years I really love being so on top of things mentally speaking and learning so much every year. Life has gotten so much more interesting over the last 2 years.

 

So I feel warm again inside--but instead of ______'s presence warming from the outside in, it's like I have this inner warmth now that I've never had in my life. Although I honestly do kind of feel like I'm back from the dead right now--I really think I went through way more than I can handle, and I did it completely alone--I couldn't tell anyone. That's part of what makes me me now--I'm not sure--is this normal? anyway--I'm trying to control the uplifting feelings--for some reason. I don't trust feeling like everything is okay. I should try to get to the bottom of that. Well, I'm afraid that it will lead to me making bad decisions. Not like--bi polar people or something--I have control over my spending, I don't have any substance abuse problems--these days I hardly drink and I never smoke cigarettes! no drug use since high school--so, so sporadic. I'm also partly afraid of thinking everything is okay only to have it taken away from me for no apparent reason. Especially with friends, etc--you never know when they're going to screw you over or do something horrible to you or just plain abandon you. I'm not really someone who is comfortable putting up barriers--that's why it's so hard for me. That's why I need art---for some strange reason people don't mind you doing something totally insane when it's art. Ha--interesting--that's makes sense. Maybe because I cherish real life too much after being abused--I don't see the value in the performance. I'm kind of tired right now, and I just confused myself. now is it time to close my journal or put it somewhere else?

 

I started this journal because I just couldn't be alone with my burden anymore. It's amazing--these days you never have to be alone, no matter who you are. My mind keeps wandering!! staying on track--I feel safe again and I'm enjoying my free time--I feel like I have a lot of time to work on myself now instead of freaking out about how I have no one and I'm totally screwed for life. I can't imagine actually being happy...it's weird. I think about myself--being successful, beautiful, surrounded by friends, possibly with a family of my own, taking every opportunity I've ever dreamt about and the first thing that comes to mind is that it's evil--that it's means I'm the most selfish person in the entire world. That I want so much is demonic and unusual and basically deranged. I really think it's mostly what I've learned from my mom--for so long I couldn't even mentally see myself as a woman--with a gender--with a genuine desire to be happy--because being happy causes all sorts of things like global warming, corrupt governments, gender imbalances, genocide and basically the * * * * ing apocalypse...now I don't have to do these mental gymnastics to get at what I want--I used to be sooo indirect about getting what I wanted because I wasn't allowed to go there--in my head or in my life. Now it's all out there--it's just entirely different from how I have ever felt--well beside when I was a really little girl--but even then I'm sure I was pretty screwed up. I literally see the world differently--you know how you catch yourself changing all the time. Just things like going into a different room will alter you forever. Another weird thing--I can't day dream as much anymore. Maybe it's because my brain matured or something--finished developing--but mostly I just see what's in front of me instead of making up fantasy that can't really measure up to what's really going on.

 

I wish I could write on here about my most favorite literary work, or well, the one that has influenced my life the most--but I'm afraid I'm going to give myself away or something. But I think about it so much and how much I have gotten out of my life because of it. I really want to write about it somewhere though. Motor mouth--I should probably stop writing despite the fact that I could go on and on and never stop.

 

muchos besos world--see now I'm getting too sentimental.

 

I'd like to feel like I have an ordinary emotional constitution--OH I did realize something amazing the other day. So I used to be afraid of being insane, and I really think it's a mark of sanity when you're not afraid of that anymore. I know I'm not crazy but if someone asked me if I was a little crazy--I'd probably be like yeah--in the past this absolutely terrified me. Because I really didn't feel okay. I didn't want anyone to know how messed up I was. the self referential loop is getting a little out of control so I think I'll end this post.

 

The gist: things are on the up

[meoww]

sukkot begins at sundown tomorrow and appeals to my pagan imagination for obvious reasons..would it be totally sacrilegious to observe? lol--seriously. maybe I'll just do it.

 

turns of phrase that apply to me at the moment: labor pains, fruits of my labor, on the move, who's your daddy?

eating a banana shaped pastry filled with cream--it's pretty amazing...i've lived away from home too long to find this amusing lol--it just occurred to me. I'm going to watch some tv and sleep

[meoww]

just had a flashback--well what I mean is that I just remembered something that happened with ex ex. When I was at school and I really needed an intervention rather than an enabler--how I delayed some of my final exams by a week or so because I wasn't up to taking them all at the time. Seriously, I couldn't do the simplest things. I'd forgotten that. Simple calculations, my memory was * * * * , at least compared to what it is now, I couldn't think critically--and for some reason I just accepted it all. I was diagnosed with major depression and I remember thinking, hmmm...that's weird, I don't even feel that depressed. I don't know why I thought that!! I was not functional at all! I was basically insane--whatever that means right.

 

Anyway, I was picturing myself at that time, my hair dirty and I'm bawling my eyes out in front of my professors after I muster up the courage to tell them I'm depressed because I'm so embarrassed that something's wrong with me. Taking 2 classes at university was too much for me, way too much at that point. It was terrible--and yet, no one seemed to even notice what I was going through. Was it because I hid it too well?

 

ewww--I just can't stand ______!! He was living with me and he just wanted me to be sick so that I wouldn't see how I was settling for him. It's just so creepy--what a creep. I depended on him so much...but he disgusts me, he let me take money from my parents so that he could drape himself in whatever comforts we could afford--basically it was all about him. * * * * that guy. When I finally left him, his friends basically forced me to leave a bunch of furniture for him because I was the one that left. What a bunch of bs. How can he live with himself?

 

This is just one of those things that is too much to bear alone. I hate having enemies--even when they are ones I created myself--I hate knowing I might be somewhere and some person who hates me could end up running into me on the street--although I've got to say that these days that doesn't scare me as much. I know, I'm so afraid of everything.

 

I'm so glad I got away from him. I never told anyone how bad that relationship was--sensing a theme here lol. always keeping secrets.

I'm finally getting over the feeling that I wish he didn't exist.

And I'm finally getting over the feeling that I wish I could go back in time and fix everything. I like who I am today and how some of the things I went through made me strong. Ex ex though I want to be through with him. I don't want anything more to say--let's see--I hate your facial hair that you grew from time to time--how it was redder than the hair on your head and the coarseness and redness of it just disgusted me. I always thought you looked a little seedy--but you're such a contrarian--so you'd try to 'own it,' rather than actually have to figure out how to groom yourself properly. I hate that hard ridge of bone above your eyebrows. I hate your thin legs and arms. I hate the way your clothes never fit well. I hate the shoes you wore. I hate the way you smell--you had good hygiene but you always put me off so much. I hate your feet. I hate how you just aren't sexy at all to me. Part of why I got so attached to _____ was because he actually appealed to me after so much time wasted with you. I could never, ever touch you the way I touched ______.

 

That's one thing I hope to find again--a guy that I can touch everywhere--Even though I kind of hate ____ too, at least I learned that valuable lesson. I know someone is right for me when every part of their body turns me on and I could put my mouth anywhere on or in them. When their smell feels familiar but also wonderful.

 

ex ex was the opposite of that--my body would basically be screaming to get away from him so I'd just space out into a fantasy to get the sex over with. And feel so dirty afterward. He was soooo in denial when he found out I wasn't into him at all. I wasn't even rude about it. He had to know though. Maybe that was * * * * * y....but it's like, get a clue--I obviously hated having sex with you, and I was obviously not attracted to you, and you don't make enough effort--that's not my problem. Just so gross--like I owe him my body or something. He always thought he'd get to be my teacher or something because he was so much older than me--but I learned nothing sexually from him--well that's not true but I wish it was.

[meoww]

looks like i'm on a catharsis marathon so here goes:

 

when _____ first got his new girlfriend I ambushed him with all these emails--you know, so he'd fess up to being in love with her or something. I couldn't call him because it hurt too much, all I wanted was direct confirmation that he really loved her. He owed me that at least--after all the ambiguity and leading me on. I was also so heartbroken--I mean like really broken--so anyway I sent him one email every day for maybe 3 months--one of them said, "do you like the way she smells in the morning?" he used to send me messages in the beginning about how he liked the way our towels smelled after I showered--something I never even noticed before. That was back when I felt like I was the luckiest person in the world, to have found someone normal--finally--normal and expressive like I always wanted. It was the weirdest most horrible time of my life. I called him twice--I hung up when I answered the first time. The second time I left a message--not screaming or anything--I didn't cry. I just said--well I can't say what I said, not because I used inappropriate language but it was kind of personal. basically that he used me until he didn't need me anymore. I always felt like he was using me to be honest, even from the very beginning--just because I was so vulnerable at the time.

 

so anyway--I know that's kind of ahem, crazy of me, but it wasn't that bad--like I said, I only called twice in 3 months and I probably only left a brief message a day if I remember correctly. The messages got pretty mean though--I just wanted a decent answer--one that made sense. I never got it. Nothing. At first he responded--with jealousy about some sexual activity he presumed I was having during a trip (which I didn't even have the courage to go through with--thinking he still loved me because he said he did.) He didn't even tell me he had a girlfriend until I asked, we'd corresponded very briefly and he had alluded to some of our old haunts etc, so it was really just mean. Then, 3 months later I guess I got it--but it was so anticlimactic--

 

when I left ex ex and started a relationship with ______, I told him 2 weeks after the relationship was official and I told him directly that he made me happy. I thought _____ would do the same for me. I thought he'd said, _____ is my girlfriend and I love her and she makes me happy. I had no intention of trying to break them up or anything. If that was case, I could have just looked up her university id or something or even called him but I didn't do any of that. I'm not like that, and I never have been. But he accused me of trying to harass his girlfriend--when all I did was send some angry emails to him and that was it.

 

In the last letter he ever wrote him--he did say he didn't love me anymore and not to write. I never wrote him again. There was just no compassion or any sort of indication that he cared about anything other than himself, he didn't say anything about all the stuff I wanted him to bring up--the lying, leading me on, but he always said he was entitled to treating me however he wanted because we were broken up. Basically that he could say he loved me and thought I was wonderful but that it was okay to say these emotionally charged words and expect sexual intimacy even if he didn't consider us a couple. You know, do all things that couples do but we weren't official and he could tell everyone else he didn't care about me and act like he was single since I was so far away. And if I was hurt by this and his lack of support during my own crisis--it was my own fault for being a glutton for punishment. It is true to a certain extent. I should have pulled away--it's just hard when you have to do all the work, and when you're leaving the only person you've ever loved, and you're in the middle of healing and coping with a lifetime of domestic violence.

 

The only reason I miss him so much is that he noticed so many things about me that I feel like only someone who really loves you would notice. He understood me too, better than anyone, and I couldn't really rely on any of my old tricks on him either. He was flawed too, like me, and I always thought we could help fill in the gaps that the other was missing. We seemed to compliment each other and we both had this need for intimacy and love that's a little deeper than most--since his parents just suck. They're so cold and shrill and demanding. I'm sure that's part of why he was drawn to me for a while, I was so accepting of him. He used to say it was the only time in his life he ever felt loved. SAD that's why always hope that he makes really good friends--despite the ones he has now--friends that will make him a better person and enrich his life--he was always drawn to creative types despite wanting to remain a foothold in a more corporate/authoritarian identity

 

I've tried and tried to reach a resolution about this. I don't even know why he ever loved me--when I was so unlovable. Maybe I wasn't ever as unlovable as I thought though. Considering how ignorant I was, it surprises me that he ever thought I was smart. I don't really want to be with him--I know there has to be someone that can fill his shoes and more for me. I've gotten to that point...It's like I kind of think of him as a family member and I really wish I could be part of his life. I don't need to have sex with him--I wish we were friends. But then I'd probably fall in love with him again and always want to be around him. I don't know what's wrong with me. We can't be together. Even if he miraculously changed his mind about me, I couldn't ever forgive him for leaving me in a time of need--of incredible need--basically leaving me to die at the hands of my parents. It would never work. I lost him. But he's still here--but now he's with her--and is probably getting married to her in a few years if it all works out. That's okay with me--I no longer feel like I wish I could fly 5000 miles to ______ and knock some sense into him. I used feel soo incredibly helpless being stuck here unable to do anything about this, you know like wanting to reach through the computer screen so that I could actually touch him for once. But it's finally over for me--and it matters less and less that I felt so humiliated and embarrassed that he beat me to it. but he's still here--like on this planet--and I used to love him and know him and thought we were going to have babies and die together--and now I have to go through the attachment process with someone else--I just don't know if I have the energy or the will anymore--but that's not true either. I am excited about what's going on in my life now and I wouldn't give up my independence for anything--but he's so special to me--but again, that makes no sense because he's a selfish nut case who probably just saw me as a temporary toy to play house with. point being--I wanted to get those thoughts out out of my head so that they're not taking up space in my head. I was kind of worried I'd become one of those tragic people who never falls in love again but that's not my style--which is even more depressing--actually lol.

[meoww]

is there anything else?

 

every time I write about one of my painful memories in detail, they kind of dissipate which is really amazing. The only thing is that with ______, it scares me--I used to remember our apartment in photographic detail but I wrote a little paragraph about that and now things are starting to blur. Way back when I made a list of all things I didn't want to forget--but I deleted it a year ago maybe. It just seems weird that sometimes it's easier to remember things in your mind rather than talking about them. I'm so glad I got that out yesterday--it's really gone now--

 

I'm constantly stressed--I've gotten too used to it. Lately I've been trying to fix that. My body is totally out of whack. One thing that helps is telling myself--this is your life--because I often can't cope with that realization. That was the hardest part initially--coming to down to earth and realizing this is my life--and I can't do anything about it--or I can but, I have to face my fears. So I keep telling myself that--and I also try to alleviate my shame. I have so much shame--shame I carry about my family--shame that only I have to carry since I keep all my secrets for my mother and father. I don't want them to be real. Why are they real people? It's all so pathetic. At least I've learn to respect myself more--but still--I always wonder what people really think about their families--since most of the time the kids are so much smarter than the parents--in some way, even if the parent is successful--I have no love for my family--I wonder what it's like to actually love your parents. I wonder what it's like to be excited to hear from them, to have memories with them, to converse with them, seek their advice, to help them, to be loved. I have no idea what that's like. I feel broken again today--since I'm always going to be an orphan--nothing will change that despite how I hard I've worked to overcome so much--who I am is still who I am. While this used to be humiliating for me--I just feel sad today. Or something--I must feel something even if I feel totally numb. I'm not like, inferior right because of that? I really feel like part of what makes us human is family--but I really don't have that. I am basically just a wild child--from the jungle or something. That's why I don't understand society--maybe--I don't understand the most basic aspects of socialization--so weird. As an adult, I understand it more and more--as love--I didn't realize that all this stuff--roads, healthcare, education, even politics--people really do inherently want to help each other, it's there. I didn't know anything about that since I grew up not knowing anything about the world.

 

It's waay too hot to be mid October--what's going on...

Goals for the week:

 

overcome my 'negative self talk'--cbt jargon--I have improved but like I said earlier my body feels really over stimulated--like I'm constantly receiving low level shocks

stay in the world--this isn't hard for me anymore

accept myself---actually--this haven't been able to do-I'm not going to get anywhere until I get past this point.

[meoww]

ugh I hate being gloomy but it's disappointing to realize that no matter how much you change, it doesn't mean you have control over what other people do. Sometimes I oversimplify things--when I was depressed I just thought, well, all I have to do is change the way I think and then I'll never have to deal with conflict or pain ever again. But I'm always being challenged--to be patient with people, to be tactful in situations where I just don't want to be, to be a realist--it's always a challenge. I'm not very good at this stuff--I'm not terrible at it either but I really would like to improve on how I deal with everyday problems

[meoww]

where am I on my journey to sanity? I have no idea anymore lol.

 

This morning I worked on my anxiety--I finally realized it's coming from a place of deep self hatred, or self rejection rather than the need to get things done. So that's what I'm focusing on now, my anxiety is really bad although you'd probably never know if you saw me in person. Every morning I wake up with a racing heart and my fists clenched and my mind is usually racing too. Every single day, it's unbearable. I want to know what it's like not to be like that all the time. So I think I'm off to do some more work on that.

 

I always feel like I'm being pulled in all directions at once--again I think this has to do with the abuse because I was never allowed to be myself so I kind of had to develop all these different personalities to cope with the parts of myself I wasn't allowed to express. All my real desires have been buried for god knows how long. There is so much of my false persona that I have to sift through to figure out who I actually am. Finally, I'm getting a glimpse at who I am, which is an unbelievable gift.

[meoww]

I'm afraid of forgetting the pain--I just remembered __________, the man I met in ________, I talked about him before, in middle age he'd totally forgotten his 'roots' or whatever. He was well into adulthood when he saw his success and yet he still manipulated people who were seeking his patronage, basically. I was thinking about _______, for her, making that contact could possibly change her life, or make or break her _______. Maybe I'm being too cynical--is that my problem? Maybe I just don't understand Americans.

 

I guess I'm just talking about how our current system reduces all relations to market relations--it really does. but does it matter? no point in questioning this right? but then I think about those children in _______--they are so screwed up. I'm allowed to think this privately right? the whole ________ industry really freaks me out after that experience. I don't have any romantic ideas about living a primitive lifestyle--that's not even it. It's the false altruism, indoctrination, corruption, and helplessness of the people supposedly being helped--being raised to idolize their benefactors in many forms. But I could never talk to the kids about that, they would probably fall asleep and decide I'm the stuffy, uncool one they should probably avoid. oh well, I mean, they'll all have access to internet at some point which is definitely going to be a game changer--just a matter of time. it's nice, the illumination of the world as we start to wake a little more

[meoww]

so that was good to get out. I am trying to be less cynical though--because I know it's not productive. I have to believe in something. I also know I'm just plain wrong about some of the cynical stuff I think. It's a distraction too, from what really matters.

[meoww]

I forgot what I meant to write: when I had a cancer scare in college, I was terrified of dying--I never thought that at 20 I'd be dealing with an issue of that magnitude. So I started becoming kind of religious or something--trying to find some way to get god on my side or something. Thankfully, I didn't actually have cancer but one thing I learned was that when you're down you start begging god for more life but the second you realize you're fine, your salvation doesn't seem to matter quite as much. This time, it's more than a fleeting emergency so I don't think I'll be affected the same way.

 

That's why I brought up mr. ________, he's so insulated, so padded by his wealth and security that he doesn't seem to feel the full charge of being alive. It didn't take him long to forget that, even though he said he didn't forget it...I mean, I've said it before but I didn't have a clue about what mattered until recently I guess. I can't put my finger on it--I used to think authenticity was so important when I was adolescent, silly stupid me. Embarrassing that I ever fell into that trap regardless of my good intentions. It's a fetish hollow people have.

 

this journal is funny--I said I wish I could read it to my kids someday--but I don't think I'd actually want to do that at all. I'm so anal--journals are just too messy for me--I wouldn't want anyone to see that part of me

[meoww]

eek I'm thinking about how last year at this time I'd be counting the seconds until I could go home from work--so that I could go home and try to untangle the mess that _____ had created. It took such a long time to really feel disdain for him but I'm getting there.

 

I never thought I would forget what my parents did to me but I have started to move on from that. Why is that _____ and _____ are disturbing me so much? ______ just disgusts me and _____ enrages me and neither emotion is good for me. I want to get past this before the month is over.

[meoww]

stupid rant: why is that some folks, not many but still a significant number--of people come to this site for so called advice when they have already made up their mind to do the unhealthy destructive thing and to hell with all the I told you so's? I have been the exact same way in my life but I don't keep making the same mistakes over and over again, I usually find a new way to fail myself

[meoww]

I decided I'm ready for goal setting again, after a bit of a therapeutic hiatus.

How things have changed since I joined in August.

 

I've let myself gain some weight and reevaluated my relationship to food. I totally don't have an eating disorder anymore! wow--it's been like 10 years since I havent had a disordered relationship to food. Now I think I'd like to lose 10 pounds or so.

 

so that's one.

basically the internal checklist is rearing it's head again--I think I now have a better grip on not letting it overwhelm me or get out of control.

 

like I said, anxiety is still a major issue. Hopefully I'll learn to actually relax soon. My energy levels are better the more I relax--since my body isn't being taxed 24/7

[meoww]

I can honestly say I love being single now. I haven't felt that way since I ended my first relationship ever. Maybe I'm starting not miss him. Life's my own adventure now. Every day I feel like a kid in a candy store--I have an active mind and tend to get carried away but this time it's different. Speaking of corny analogies--that is how I think of ex ex!! like him as the pied piper or like some creepy old guy being like--do you want some candy little girl? when I was lost without family. I could scream at him forever but it's not going to take me back in time, back to being 'pure' and unspoiled by him. luckily I don't feel like throwing up when I think of him now, I almost emailed him a totally inappropriate email calling him a rapist but I managed to stop myself. I think of the first night I met him, how he made me skin crawl with disgust when he gave me a bad rub. Why I did I stay? I remember that night so well. I was doing my little melancholy dance to get his interest--more of a competition thing with my friend than actually being interested in him. I hated both of them lol. I'm such an idiot, I was old enough to take care of myself and surround myself with people I actually like.

 

then we kissed by the river--and I remember thinking, he's so unattractive (he's really objectively not, but ugh he always grossed me out especially because of his personality)--like he's thin and feels like a woman in my arms. Plus he's so cheesy. And that was the beginning of a 3 year relationship!!! wow I really must have crazy. I was so traumatized, all I could do was the exact opposite of everything I wanted to do. That's so weird, what was wrong with me? Even then, there was no one to guide me out of that mess.

 

and I remember all the corny * * * * he'd say to me about how we fit together so well--and I totally disagreed in my head. How could he be attracted to me when I was completely submissive and obviously lost and traumatized. I've always been somewhat outspoken but I don't know how he dated me--I found myself at the time really undesirable because of my outlook on things.

 

well I guess that's the point--he took advantage of me, took the risk because he thought he could control me for a really long time, and he did until I finally got away.

 

I'm just disgusted to think he might be doing this to other naive or inexperienced girls or even girls like me (women I guess) who need someone and are willing to settle for that. It's sooooooo gross especially considering he wants to teach undergrads--like first year ones. They are prime targets 18-19, probably feeling a bit anxious and confused about life, like I was. It's legal but OMG OMG OMG. I'm so disturbed gross gross gross. Ewww does this mean he is only interested in * * * * ing little girls? I can understand being attracted to younger people--that's fine but there is something really creepy about him. Like really rapey. Eww like I remember him talking about the erotic experience of teaching!! so gross. Who actually says that? It made him seem much older than his years actually, like I think of him as 50 year old man when he was only 28 when I met him. But he didn't seem 28, he seemed like shriveled old man. anyway, if he tries to pull that * * * * on the wrong person he will lose his job so that's comforting.

 

So I can't confront him.

I have no choice. I already slept with him a bunch of times, it happened. I can't believe I did that. SOOOO gross. If I were him, I'd want to die knowing how disgusted with him I am. I'd feel disturbed that I ever rocked anyone to their core like that. I feel like his sleaziness is going to be forever a part of me. That's not true right? You are what you eat. I can't change the past.

 

That's the thing--I wish I could change the past and erase all the blemishes. The boyfriends who weren't up to snuff, the stupid things I used to think, the boring friends I wish I could have let go of sooner, the bad decisions I made to get to this point.

 

The difference between now and then is incredible--although I'm sure it seems a bit more subtle from the outside. Does it though? I'm seriously a different person.

 

Most of all--interesting, I wasn't expecting to be writing about this: about ex ex

I have such serious issues with him.

I want to be clean--I tried telling him off--it worked a bit--now it's up to me right? I feel stained by my 3 years with him. That was such a bad decision. Ok, maybe it wasn't 3 years. think about it. It was more like 2, right? it was more like 2.5--minus all the months I was trying to break up with him unsuccessfully

 

ugh no it's still more like 3.....WHAT WAS I THINKING. I can confidently say I never loved him. Do I have to tell him that? I feel like saying, you are scum, you are a rapist who is only interested in submissive younger women, you tried to destroy my life so that I'd always be dependent on you because you knew you could never keep otherwise, the thought of your penis makes me ill, the thought of touching you makes me sick, the thought of being intimate with you and exploring all those sacred places on our bodies with you makes me---I can't even express how disgusting I find this. I consider that a complete violation of everything I am and everything I believe in. I feel like your sleaziness is contagious and toxic. I feel like my body has been violated even now. I feel like a worm. I feel like a sick accomplice in your disgusting sexual games. I feel like you are everything that is wrong with the world posing as everything that is right.

 

That's how I feel. I wish he would say he was sorry and that he's gross and he never should have touched me. I wish he would say that instead of saying he doesn't regret the relationship and that I took no responsibility for myself. What am I expecting from him? If he really is that creepy, then he's just a creep--the kind you tell your daughters about in advance so it never happens to them. I almost felt like I was watching darth vader become who he is--you know like the turning point--when someone goes from normal to totally deranged.

 

his friends would disagree with me--they would say i was immature and stupid for dating him when I knew I didn't love him. They are right of course. But he knew I didn't love him. He had to know, I hated him and wanted him as far away from me as possible. This is the kind of thing that is only supposed to happen with women from previous generations.

 

okay I acknowledge that I played a part in this. Furthermore--he's probably less creepy than I think--although I don't really believe that honestly. I'm just happy I got away from him in time. It could have been worse, being in that horrible relationship seemed so normal. Doing things I hated seemed so normal. Now I'd never, ever, do that to myself. I know the stakes are higher when my heart is actually on the line but I have toughened up considerably. At that fork in the road--I led myself astray but I'm allowed to make mistakes.

 

I just feel like I always making mistakes--you know. Stupid massive mistakes that no one else makes.

New insight.

No one else dates creepy older men because they feel sorry for them, and if they did, it wouldn't be for 3 years!!! no one else I know had the childhood I had though. but why me? Why did I get stuck in some pretty terrible traps like this? Is it because I'm just a bad person--that's what I used to think. That there had to be some kind of explanation--a punishment perhaps for my past lives--lol--that I must have been --well anyway

 

yeah I always wondered why I do such stupid things when I'm so bright. Why

I'd like feel on par with my peers in that way. I feel like normal people have a secret I could never understand.

 

I've been doing more listening and watching than ever before, trying to figure it out. I have learned a lot and I've learned a bit about where my strengths lie. I've learned to stop being self destructive in an effort to some how set all the wrongs of the world right, to balance the unfairness of life--I know you can't sacrifice your own happiness because of it. I thought with ex ex, like I was giving him a gift by being with him--I know that sounds hideously arrogant and it's true I guess it is--he doesn't need me, there are people I'm sure would actually appreciate him--I shouldn't have robbed him of the opportunity to do that instead I felt sorry for him. My stupid idiotic pity was really destructive for both of us. In my defense, I've always felt really bad for my parents--because they are so weird---so I tried to be extra normal to make up for it, bring a little light into their very dark lives. It's just really sad. I can't be a little doll or something for screwed up people to play with anymore--especially as I get older--I literally can't be that forever. That's why abuse is so screwed up, and so insidious--it has had all these unintended effects on my life. I've learned to be more than an empty shell or a ventriloquist's doll in these past 2 years. It's lifted a weight off me and actually, by removing myself from their lives--

 

this is crazy part--my parents are better off without me. They seem happier--at least a little bit. It's probably stressful to be abusive and violent and when the object of violence is removed--maybe conditions improve for all parties. maybe I just don't know. how can be like that? how can they feel relief at abandoning the living thing that they made? since I never really loved them I guess we were never a family. I have no idea what that word means. Now I actually have a chance to find out though--progress has been slow but pretty steady--

[meoww]

link removed

 

--a good place to start if you need a resource on the less salient characteristics of verbal abuse.

 

when was dating ex ex ex (i don't know why I always mark time like this lol I should probably stop) I read a book called Toxic Parents--I was 19, and it first time I started to understand what I had been happening to me for all those years--and then slowly I was able to ease into thinking about the more violent aspects of my upbringing. It's by Susan Forward--the best book I ever read on that. It's pretty dated now but it's still an amazing book, if you ever have trouble explaining to others about what happened to you--this book is for you.

 

today I'm free of a lot--maybe almost free of my disgust. I'm free of ______, wow. I never wanted to be over him--but I can't really imagine being in love with him anymore--at least not as he was. I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. Life just got infinitely better in that respect, I'm out of the worst--and I don't really have any regrets about any of it. Who knows who I might have ended up being were it not for these experiences. I made some pretty weird choices but that's in the past. It's like looking back into a storm--you're just glad it has passed and observe it with a bit of wonder.

 

What am I supposed to do now though right? it's definitely worth celebrating. but it's all got to come to end--now I'm to the point where I just have to get over it--for good. I feel kind of lame for creating so many false obstacles--I just said it was worth celebrating but it doesn't feel like it. Celebrating doing what I should have doing all along? I don't know what to do--on one hand it feels like I have overcome so much--legitimately. But the other hand--simply being rational could have gotten me out of this mess years and years ago. I could have just emancipated myself in high school and moved on to better things then, I chose not to, knowing I was capable of being independent. My rationale--I want to be like the other kids--the ones that don't have to worry about money or being alone or not knowing anything about the world or not knowing where the next blow is coming from. Growing up in the US--it true that you can make it if you might the right decisions--

 

rather than lack of resources--lack of information was the real culprit behind all my unhappiness--thankfully I was born right on the cusp of all these technological revolutions that made all things cheaper and more accessible to all--why I couldn't have have realized that all I needed was something like that--pretty much--you have just enough if you know you have such a wealth of information at your fingertips.

 

So is that the next step? forgiving myself for not being strong enough--for holding on to hope that things would change.

 

The other day I was thinking about that--how it was like a standoff--there was part of me that said to my parents--I'm going to be depressed and messed up until you love me. Finally the day came when I knew that was never going to happen. It feels like they won--like they got everything they wanted at my expense when time and youth and that stuff is supposed to be on my side. But the only one that feels the pain of this loss--they don't feel it. For them I was something added, not a link in a chain of love.

 

ok forgiveness time--try to forgive yourself for making a lot of mistakes--reasonable ones and unreasonable ones--i have to forgive myself for both

[meoww]

I've already said as much, but I thought it might be good to 'confront' my parents...I don't really have anything left to say to them.

 

Dear M&D,

 

I hate you both. I am looking forward to the day when neither of you are breathing any longer. You can't even imagine my joy when I'm released from every lie, from every physical blow, every tantrum, and every disgusting little remark meant to undermine my sanity. It gives me great pleasure to let you know just how much I hate you. Nothing can save you now--nothing will can redeem either of you, you are such idiots. You had everything and you threw it all away--for what? your vanity? You're already paying for your mistakes every day of your miserable little lives and you don't even know it. I don't even have to tell you how I feel. I'll just know in my heart how right I am and how wrong you are. That's how little you mean to me now. I can't be bothered to let you in even enough to confront you. I might someday before you die, especially if I can publicly humiliate you. Thanks for giving me all the power to do that--this is what happens when you play these games. I'm done with you.

 

You never thought this would happen did you? That makes me smile, it really does. What are you going to do without me holding you up? Without me, you're just a pair of very pathetic people. I don't feel sorry for you at all. You did win though. Congratulations--you destroyed our family, made a series of horrible life decisions and now you have no one to care about you at all.

[meoww]

well I already cut my father off 3 years ago--or was it more? I don't really remember. The amazing thing is that he didn't even tell anyone. I think he's ashamed--he should be. Neither has my mother. So all their mutual friends think we still talk! such a pair of crackpots

[meoww]

ooo wow I just found an ena-er on another forum!! I better be careful--I keep shooting these posts off like they're going to some netherworld when that's not actually the case...I don't know...

[meoww]

The more removed I am from my situation the more I realize how terrible it was. Since it was all I knew, it seemed so normal--or at least, what I thought of as abuse-lite when it wasn't at all. I had zero breathing room. My personality and body and every thought was colonized by my mother. She is so completely crazy. I don't know why I let her. Pity isn't enough to explain it. I trusted her because she's my mom and she completely violated my trust. It's hard not to relapse into loving her because of the bond. I just can't hurt myself like that, it's just not fair to me.

 

I just can't love her, she always made me make the choice of loving her or living a normal life...I need to be normal. I want to leave her behind for good. I said it yesterday in my letter--after everything she's done to me, there is no going back.

 

Interestingly my father is nothing like this--he was much easier to deal with since he wasn't jealous of me. He never wanted to be me. He was just crazy--incapable of holding on to a job, or on to a rational thought, when I think about the interior workings of his mind--I imagine chaos--a bunch of mismatched and tangled connections with a thin veneer of sexual perversion and meanness.

 

My mother though--she's almost normal and it's worse because I think she could have been a good person. Is that just one of those things that isn't actually true? Like the boyfriends you think would be perfect if they could just change that one fatal flaw about themselves. Her flaw is really dark and desperate--it's unforgivable. She is really not normal is she? She lives in another world--one that bears resemblance to the real world--but inside she's so different. Ask the right questions and she doesn't seem so normal anymore. I guess she really is crazy.

 

I never know which way I supposed to give her the benefit of the doubt--is she crazy or a normal person who became bitter and violent? My grandparents said she was born that way, but then why didn't they help her? Why isn't she getting treatment? Why did they turn her into the family scapegoat? I really don't trust any of them. I want out. For the first time in my life I've alienated myself from my family--because they kind of all creep me out. Life isn't that complicated--and they choose to be so wrapped up in their daily lives that they don't see the big picture at all.

 

I think it's easier or safer or maybe truer for me to believe she's crazy. There are many indications that she's more than just your typical hateful person. I just thought crazy people aren't able to hide their craziness from other people--but then again, she only works and does nothing else--has no real life to speak of. She's never put into a situation where her crazy buttons are pushed.

 

I guess that's her therapy. Within this very very limited context she can manage a somewhat normal life. I don't understand why she directs all her rage and disappointments at me. Why me? I really don't do anything to her and I never did--why did she do this to me for so long? Why it that it never would have stopped until I ended it? I only turned a corner because I shutdown completely--and wouldn't let her in anymore. I used to not even be able to speak more than 3 sentences in a row to her because it would make physically ill. Now, well I wouldn't feel physically ill but I don't think I could have a conversation with her. I'd really just want to kill her, probably. I don't know. It's just one of those things--I have to put it out of my mind.

 

That's why it's nice to neatly sum it up as abuse--it sounds clinical. It's like a disease--now I'm cured there is no point and going back reliving all the pain. It's over. No more.

That's the gift I want to give myself--unshakable strength should I ever have to deal with her rage again...and peace of mind from that. All I want is to feel peace of mind even though I'm always prepared. It's hard to achieve both--when I'm on edge, expecting anything to happen, then I can't relax. When I do relax, I'm not prepared for getting hurt. I need peace of mind more than I need to protect myself though. I rather be happy, it's more than that at this point--I need it. !!