I'm a survivor

[meoww]

You know what I don't miss about being 'normal,' back when I used to pretend everything was fine in my family, back when I carried all the burden for the horrible things they did to me and tried to convince myself that my struggles were completely self inflicted? I don't miss how cavalier I was with my life. I know I said I wouldn't bring up _____, but that is something I really don't miss about him. He really doesn't know the value of his own life. maybe he does now--I don't care the same way I used to. I was crazy about him--literally. I don't miss feeling so unstable and horrible about myself all the time. I don't miss feeling emotionally stunted by all the insults and coldness and unpredictable behavior. I still have hope that I'll fall in love with someone for real someday. I think I'll know it when I see it. I've learned that it's not just about liking the same things and having similar values--although that's important. With _____, you could say our values were similar, but his values seem so meaningless to me when he's such a cold hearted (or more like lukewarm hearted) person. I know it's not exactly a powerful criticism but I really hope to see less of his kind of hypocrisy as time goes on. (basically, what people call limousine liberals--I hate this term but I'm too tired to think of anything better right now). I really hope I become less of a hypocrite too.

 

Anyway, my point about that was just that I think I'll be more flexible with the next person. I just want to feel really good in their arms. I want that sense of completeness again now that I'm emotionally stable and can actually appreciate it. I just want to be with someone who is a good person, my ex didn't really care about being a good person. I don't understand that, it seems to defeat the purpose of living. I'm excited for the day when I am in a relationship with someone I can lock eyes with and really feel like they respect and understand where I'm coming from

[meoww]

Feeling the itch to write down that dream just for kicks. It's kind of a weird dream since it's really historically inaccurate and well, it's a dream so it doesn't make any sense, but here goes:

 

just googled this and apparently it's normal that I sometimes have dreams that I'm not in but instead watching a story unfold. i wonder if this dream follows the plot of some movie I've forgotten. so this one, as far as I remember starts out when a group of nurses or something are coming off a shift and they are dressed like it's the 40's or the 50's or something. They're very cliquish and kind of loud and obnoxious people--both men and women, except this one guy. He's kind of the antihero of the story, he's not that smart, he's shy and lives this simple life and still lives with his parents although he's around 27. He's got a lot on his mind, this girl he loves but there's some reason he can't contact her. Basically, there is a lot of talk, happening all around him and he's just concentrating on his predicament but no one notices that his mind is wandering. So he gets home, and he asks his parents if he can borrow their car--this is where it gets kind of random--this ride is totally straight out of the 70's I think, I don't know anything about cars--it's like this shiny pale yellow car that's pretty awesome. He combs his hair and looks in the mirror and feels pretty sharp, but he still has this gnawing feeling. All this time, you see the girl, she's basically working up the nerve to tell him how she feels. then I don't really remember what went on, but he's driving the car, his work buddies are filling up the seats--they are as merry as ever basically, there is this blond girl with short hair who has a boyfriend--you can tell she feeds off of social energy and pretends to be more naive than she actually is so that she can get away with things. the evening goes on, there is some narration but I've forgotten it. They pull up to a slightly seedy bar and narrator--the guy with yellow car--gets really excited--like finally a decent place where he can get comfortable. He's a little dim so he seems really excited, almost like a child who is hanging out with the cool kids for the first time. It's really crowded in there, and everyone just keeps getting progressively drunker.

 

I don't remember a lot of this, but then, something bad happens and a girl comes out of the bathroom into a crowded hallway, she's injured maybe some guy punched her--or something. And the main character has this flash of recognition--like in her vulnerability he sees his lost love and wants to protect her to feel connected to her again. So basically, a bunch of people witness this violent event and each one of them has a different reaction to it. The girl with the blonde hair-- and then this other character--he's not even important to the rest of story but a background character with obvious personality flaws. So each one of them says a line that I don't remember, but it was almost like a comedy, each person's little epiphany started the same way "i'll _____!" "ill____!" "and i'll____". there is this domino effect of these 3 thoughts and desperate actions that follow from them. The last guy leaves the bar and it's clear he's trying to start a fight off the adrenaline rush and the uncomfortable aggression he seems to exude even as a barely noticeable background guy. The main character is basically now in a drunken stupor but is holding it together. So he follows the guy outside but it's too late. The windows of the yellow car have been smashed and there's blood everywhere. The couples who were talking in the back of the car have been brutally murdered. the guy who did it has fled the scene and now it kind of looks like the main guy has committed the crime.

 

so I felt terrible for him, by going out that night and being kind of naive, he ruined everything. It's especially sad because his parents are kind of feeble and would be very disappointed to hear about this, and the car meant something to him--it was this hope of something better, maybe something he could have had with this girl. He's too drunk to know what happened, part of him wonders if he did the commit the crime. This violin plays, almost like a joke again. Then I woke up--but I was still dreaming, trying to figure out what the melody was--because it would play every time something kind of pathetic and ironic happened. I couldn't remember so instead there was this song--like an old pop song from I don't know maybe the 40's or 50's again--maybe earlier--and a silent film where a woman was dancing energetically. I don't remember most of the lyrics but they were something like, i'll give you the sun and the stars, i'll give you the moon and mars..because I have you. lol what creative lyrics but it was all pretty creepy-!!-I can see how I'd piece this dream together but it really came out of nowhere and moreover it was depressing

 

such fun though I never know what to expect!! can't wait to fall asleep tonight

[meoww]

ugh I broke one of my rules today, my mom sent me an email about my dad's financial problems and I just wrote back with a one liner about how I'm not available to comment on the problems of child molesters.

 

I felt like I was about to cry when I read that email. There were so many things in it that were so depressing. I just can't take it.

[meoww]

I don't know what to do, I'm sick and tired of pretending that my dad isn't anything more than a danger to society. He was investigated by the federal police! or whatever agency is in charge of that sort of thing. she takes no responsibility for the fact that he shouldn't be around children.

[meoww]

you know, I have to admit I thought about blackmailing her for money since I know the information I have puts her entire livelihood at risk, as well as her reputation. I don't think I'd have the balls.

 

I hate her soooo much. She acts like this isn't even an issue! like it literally doesn't exist. I have been keeping this a secret for years.

 

When I read her emails, I just feel so out of control, like I'm going to freak out and tell everyone and explode. But I can't do that...I'm not in the position to do so right now, maybe never. I'm just disgusted by the situation and how she tried to pour salt in the wound. Plus the dumb stuff they both say just freaks me out...just so uneducated and well, wrong about so much.

[meoww]

There is a black cloud of oppressiveness that envelopes me whenever I get an email from my mother, the tears just come and I can't handle it.

I feel totally violated. What's wrong with her? Why would she bring up my father to me, when we no longer speak? and he's obviously a criminal. I'm so disturbed. I think I'm going to change my email address, I don't know what to do. I don't want to be contacted by her ever. I just want her out of my life.

 

I need to calm down because I feel sick to my stomach. I don't want to carry this burden...it's not mine. I'm done keeping secrets for her.

[meoww]

okay, I'm now home and I feel a little bit better. I realized if she has some kind of emotional breakdown from that email and starts being verbally abusive, all I have to do is record it and I'll have the proof I need/want anyway. So either way, it's a win win situation. I was really afraid I was in danger after writing that response but I don't think it's a bad idea.

 

Basically, all I need to do is lay low. It's going to be okay, no matter what. I'm thinking about finally telling my extended family what's going on/what happened over the years. There is nothing really holding me back anymore, and if they don't believe me, I won't really have lost anything anyway. I've already accepted that for some reason, I was born into this life, and I have to do the best I can. I'm scared though, I don't know how she's going to react when her house of cards comes crumbling down. I don't know...I wonder if I should contact her boyfriend. It would be interesting to see what happens if I do that.

 

I never realized how so much of this gives me the power. Who would want to associate with someone who enables a child molester that works with children and actively promotes their interaction with children? add her own child abuse on top of it and I have a pretty good case. It's like the ultimate revenge cocktail. Especially since I'm so confident and stable now, people will believe me and not her since they'll make the connection between the transformative changes I have made and coming out with the truth. She has no power...I wonder if she knows that I'm aware I have all the cards now. I hope she doesn't.

[meoww]

my notes for the upcoming weeks:

 

Have some kind of recording device on hand just in case---dont forget!!

contact the detective--if I want to have some kind of written record of our correspondence for my own little 'evidence' arsenal

lock my bedroom door

keep some extra clothes at work, just in case

don't lose your temper---bad, bad, bad...just stay away and try to stay safe.

keep your head clear--just don't think about the injustice, just live like you have already made it through this.

I'm putting the gloves on...it's a really good feeling knowing I can protect myself no matter what

 

perhaps contact either an aunt or my grandmother about the scandal...and the abuse if I feel up to it.

Time to play some good offense.

 

I've come such a long way in recognizing her entrapments and figuring out how to get what I want rather than playing to her sick little game. I had to admit it was happening first. Now, I know she's not part of me, she's not my mother, I have no obligations to her. No matter what I'm going to be okay and she can't steal my identity or try to humiliate me or control any aspect of my life. I'm really scared that she's going to snap when she realizes it's game over. I need to be really careful, she can't find out I'm planning to cut her off forever.

[meoww]

the timeline I could possibly present to a family member if I need their ear:

 

age 19---what I discovered, how I tried to prevent it but how my mother didn't intervene at all

20--first contact with a detective, because my therapist was obligated to report it. I cut our communication because it was pretty hard for me.

this december--being contacted by a different detective about a new case involving someone else/someone in close proximity to him

 

should I mention anything else?

 

going to school with bruises inflicted by my mother and being questioned about it by my photo teacher--in hs

there is just so much, my brain is just crowded with all the memories...

not to mention I don't trust my family, she learned these behaviors from someone. I don't know if it is the right thing to do. I'm afraid all my memories are going to evaporate and I won't have anything to say to defend myself.

[meoww]

one twisted thing about abuse is that it escalates when you voice a legitimate concern or anger over it. At least in my experience...A sane response is met with violence. It's so cruel that the best way to defend yourself from abuse is to ignore it. The thing that makes you feel victimized and silenced is the thing that keeps the worst at bay. it's all just so wrong...luckily I'm no longer a feisty teenager anymore, I've learned how to channel my anger into something much more positive. go me! :star:

[meoww]

So I got a response--it's basically perfect...she completely ignored what I wrote about my dad being a child molester and wrote something pretty nasty in return. At first I was kind of stunned. I had to remind myself that she's crazy so this is exactly the response I should expect. I almost deleted it, but then I just archived it where I wouldn't have to see it. Now I have something more to show people when I expose all her lies! I don't really want to contact the detective...I really just don't want to deal with this, I don't know what I'm going to do about that.

 

usually something like this would traumatize me for a couple of weeks but it's okay. I didn't cry, like I normally would have. Every time she slips up, it is to my benefit.

 

losing friends/boyfriends:

 

one thing that was really detrimental to my healing is now blind my community chose to be to my circumstances. teachers that noticed my injuries didn't contact a counselor or any sort of authority. Although, like I said, it would be so much worse to be in some foster family in a rural part of my state--I don't know if that would have actually happened but I imagine it's a possibility.

 

some of my friends tried to be supportive but they didn't really know how. I guess I understand that. Over the years my response to abuse has become more sophisticated but it definitely didn't start out that way.

 

I remember some of my first letters to friends about the abuse weren't even read or they claim to have 'forgotten' that I sent them. Unbelievable right? I don't know why my friends were like that.

 

When I first found out about my dad, I told my boyfriend at the time and soon after, he broke up with me. I wonder how much of his decision was based on the knowledge that my family is really disturbing. That was such a long time ago--but it also occurred after a false engagement! I was always waiting for someone to come and rescue me.

 

but in my healing, I've realized just how little love I have received in my life. it makes sense that I was so malnourished. I would have needed to be able to depend on a caregiver completely, and basically start from scratch. Who would be strong enough to do that? it would take a pretty remarkable person to take that upon themselves.

 

So to all the people who didn't want to believe how bad it was...I forgive you all. I don't mean to sound like a martyr but I understand.

 

to myself-I always said getting over the abuse was the easy part, learning how to be a normal human being is the hardest task of all. I don't know though, I think it's all much more difficult than I anticipated.

[meoww]

just thought I'd mention where I think the healing began. It happened when I actually fell in love with someone that I really liked, and he loved me back. It was the only thing that made me feel like my life was worth salvaging. For the first time in my life it seemed worth it to try my hardest to live a meaningful life. I have mixed feelings about that since I'm pretty sure I was very wrong about that too--______ turned out to be pretty horrible. I find it kind of tragic that he's the reason I'm so much better today when he should by any standard, mean nothing to me.

 

maybe I could say that at that point, I decided to break away from my old dogmas for me. I know I would have done it regardless---but would I have? I'm not sure. I was very unhappy with my other ex ______--how controlling he was, and how he was shaping me into the kind of person he wanted me to be, someone I didn't want to be at all. I don't know if I would have known how to escape from that. How did that happen!! I just can't figure it out. I hate to think that my future hinges on incredibly arbitrary meetings and experiences. That's so depressing...I feel incredibly lucky just to have been exposed to something resembling the kind of world I always wanted to be part of.

[meoww]

draft:

 

I have never told any of you about this, and I regret my silence because last December, while I was _------, I was contacted by someone investigating -------. After my first year of college I discovered my father ------ I showed my boyfriend at the time, who was very upset and confronted my father. The experience was very traumatizing and confusing for my boyfriend as well as me, and we broke up a few weeks after the confrontation. I just wanted to mention this incident to show I'm not the only witness to -----. In addition to my exboyfriend, a woman who looked after the house discovered this independently. There is something seriously wrong with _------I think there is a distinct possibility that he has had inappropriate contact with them. At this point, I realized that his mental illness was really serious and he needs professional help, especially since he works with children. I told my mother who did nothing, worse she constantly mentions my father to me and keeps in contact with him and allows him to get away with this. I didn't feel like I was in a position to publicly pursue this since I was dependent on them for my college tuition, although in retrospect I wish I would have told a family member and gotten out of this situation. I tried to limit his contact with children and ----any strange behavior he exhibited when he --------. During this time, I was also constantly verbally abused by my mother--who constantly identifies me as the same person as her exhusband/my father--she would scream at me about his flaws as if I was capable of fixing them, ----constantly berated to work in a factory or as a waitress instead of pursuing a professional degree---then would turn around and wonder why I was always in such distress.

 

I have never had outside support, since whenever my friends found out about either parent's condition, they would start to feel very uncomfortable around me. Rather than risk my reputation and my friendships, I tried to remain silent, even when the circumstances often escalated to physical violence. Even though I always had many friends, it was very lonely never being able to share my pain with anyone. When questioned by my high school teachers about my injuries, I would be very evasive.

 

Eventually, I was unable to care for both my parents and myself. Over the years, it has been very draining. I have too often been forced to make the choice between being a normal, productive citizen and being part of the family. I'm not an aggressive person and I don't like conflict, but I was verbally abused constantly and screamed at by my parents for as long as I can remember. The first time this started to become debilitating was when I was in high school.

[meoww]

It's all so uncertain--I really feel like I have no one. I've always felt incredibly destabilized when single because I'm not sure what I want out of life. I've been working on the things that make me feel really insecure about myself but it's hard to change--feeling like I'm not witty enough, things like that--I wish I felt good enough on my own.

 

anyway, I haven't outlined any short term goals in the last few days:

Today I want to:

 

1. be productive

2. go to bed before eleven/ten thirty

3. get some exercise

4. do one thing that has been scaring me/ I've been putting off

 

sounds reasonable. I try to avoid getting sun after 10 and before 3/4 but I think it would be good to take a walk or jog soon.

[meoww]

ramblings..

 

I guess I've always had a backbone, but I didn't use it wisely. I tended to be more reactionary rather than creative or productive. That is a major failing of mine...bleehh it makes me so sad. A few years ago I really didn't know there are places where you can be pushed to your intellectual limits or be expected to think as rationally as you can. How I could I have been so dumb? it's just embarrassing. I'm really hoping it was just the severe level of abuse effecting my judgment--but I really don't know! It's not in my nature to be a reactionary skeptic though, that's something I learned from my dear madre and padre--who hate or fear anything they don't understand. This tendency runs deep on both sides on the family. I've got to get past these hang ups!!!

 

I've made an outer transformation but I'd like to go deeper. Maybe I'll try to start thinking differently and using words differently--sometimes I've achieved this by doing the opposite of what I normally do, or imitating others. I guess I'll try that.

 

After losing ______, I just didn't want to be me anymore. It's a good thing, since I was so traumatized and dysfunctional. It's really time to just shed the rest of my old self and just be someone new.

[meoww]

everyone says this but I feel like things in the United States move so fast!!! I don't even know how to catch up when people/slang/culture/technology/jobs change so much! I just feel so overwhelmed. anyway, I'm definitely freaked out. Although I'm bright, I guess I am just not that invested in change or progress--I'd like to be more high energy. I feel so alone which brings me back to wishing I wasn't single right now...it always helps so much in times like these.

 

what happened to my promise to my new self? rereading my last post was a good reminder to embrace the uncertainty and just keep going even though I know mistakes will be made--alright--I need to stop being so bogged down in my thoughts. Only one link in the chain of destiny can be handled at a time--modified Churchill quote--I just want to be held by someone I love...I wish this feeling would go away.

[meoww]

I'm tentatively trying to be optimistic--I usually avoid this because my mother is like a bloodhound for positivity but I think I'm strong enough now not to be affected by that.

Trying to be strong!!!

[meoww]

just jotting this down quickly before I head out..sometimes I think about how he said he wanted to die with me, and I wonder how he could have said that if that didn't end up being true. Facing that loss was so colossal, like Ijust ---i don't know. i'd been in so many relationships before, some relatively long term. i try to pump myself up by trying to get excited at the thought of 'pulling' someone better looking and smarter but it only works temporarily. There is no way I could put myself out there for _____ even if I wanted to. It would be totally weird and inappropriate. who knows though, I just might be surprised by someone else. There are so many good looking, well educated, and funny guys out there but they don't seem to hold any appeal to me, especially because they just seem like they're everywhere now. It's almost like nothing special.

 

I guess that's part of my problem, because ______ and I were forced to be apart, it just seems a lot more romantic than it should. If everything that happened happened without the separation, he'd just be kind of a jerk, and I'd probably be already moved on. I NEED to remember this since it's clear I think about this 24.7. Brain, get this in your head!! stop being a bleeding heart romantic over a situation that really doesn't warrant much romanticism. Please recognize that the situation is worse than the actual breakup--unfortunately I am kind of getting to that age where I'd like to settle down and start a family but ---UGH this lovesickness is seriously demonic it's not okay. Who cares who my first real love is? I only care about the person who actually ends up with me. That's the real happy ending. no more bs please...

 

that took longer than I expected it to take!!!

[meoww]

that's a good insight though. it doesn't matter that I consider him to be my first love. When I meet the person who shows their worthiness in the long run to me the real romance will start...smooch.

[meoww]

today---an ambivalent day where I feel a little letdown but kind of apathetic about it. thinking thinking thinking about so much...

 

I feel very free--so I don't know why I feel like such a negative nancy. back when my depression ruled everything--I always felt like such a special snowflake. Now I'm just this person struggling to put a pretty weird past behind me.

 

anyway, I'm really sleepy so I probably shouldn't be writing!!

we'll see in the coming weeks if I will end up keeping any audio for the record---I hope not. I hate being on edge all the time, honestly not knowing if my mother will snap and come after me. It's probably not a concern, but she really is crazy enough that my stomach is in knots pretty much 100% of the time. I'm never relaxed. I can't wait to be out of her reach for good! I just feel so afraid...and no one can protect me.

[meoww]

Quote from my musings journal:

 

"I did say that when I woke up out of the nightmare I felt like someone else had taken over my body for the last 8 years. OH god I have chills...like maybe from the abuse I ended up having dissociative identity disorder or something. ugh wrong section--these are more than musings--this has to do with my abuse not my daily thoughts.

 

Anyway, I'm so freaked out again. I blocked my mother out for the first time in my life, reclaimed my identity--or basically formed one for the first time in my life and now I'm totally spooked by whoever used to be inhabiting my body, making weird choices and destroying my life."

 

honestly, what happened to me?

 

Here are some questions to ponder:

 

Who can I trust, really? I must have someone I can trust, I'm probably just underestimating people

What the heck happened to me when I got depressed? Why don't I even remotely recognize that the girl I 'was' for so long. We don't even eat the same food, dress the same way, speak the same way, think the same way, we don't even see things the same way. Even my sense of touch feels radically different.

vs ramanchandran claims that people with this disorder have different body chemistry when they are dissociating--sometimes even physical traits like eye color can change

so maybe I'm like an extremely mild example of this, but that seems like mostly a semantic argument.

 

back to my questions:

 

What will I feel like when I'm finally free of my mother for good? Will I realize my whole personality has just been one big defense mechanism, that world is just amazing and diverse and I just need jump into living--and that conflict--no matter intense is nothing like hosting an abusive parasite in your brain your whole life?

or....will I discover that I'm just a broken person who will never be really be fixed? and find out that people like my mother are the norm--not people like me.

i feel eveything is going to change and I'm not going to be able to keep up with the changes. but there is nothing else I can do. I just have to live the way I think is best and see what happens...

[meoww]

hmmm shouldn't be awake at this hour. but I was thinking about how I wonder when I'll close this journal and start writing a new one, about my new life without my childhood abuse weighing me down all the time. I'm almost ready for that!!

[meoww]

More and more I'm realizing that being in a highly distressing situation--basically an emergency situation for quite a while now (not talking about the duration of the abuse, but the big sgk;fkd;fg thing that I'm just not comfortable discussing publicly) is really altering my perception. I'm not thinking rationally.

 

I just need to write that on here because it's just so stressful. normal interactions--with people I actually like--should not be so complicated. I just want to be able to just have a normal conversation with someone again--I'm really outgoing and everything but I'm starved for real connections---I feel light years away from real friendship right now. anyway, the main point is THIS: This is an emergency. This is fight or flight and my only choice basically is to fight. But I need to know that normal life is not such a struggle. Everything is going to be okay!!

 

notes to me:

 

I love you so much and everything is going to be okay.

I'm going to take care of you.

Relax, and just let me take the reins.

worry about yourself and no one else.

I know it seems impossible to imagine the end of this horrible situation but the worse is over, and you're almost there. Don't be hindered by anything.

most of all just RELAX....

[meoww]

well well...I've gone from not acknowledging my pain at all, to confronting it, to wallowing in it, to being astonished by the depth of my wounds, to kind of just not caring...

 

I remember the first time I realized I felt sort of normal, it was such a weird feeling since I didn't resort to my usual coping mechanisms--such spacing out into a fantasy world just escape from all the pain. It just seemed like such a empty state. Now I'm so comfortable with it.

 

There is still so much I want to say. I'm just not sure who to tell....certainly not my old friends who I can't trust. Not my family. I don't know.

 

I feel somewhat safe now on a day to day basis. This is mostly because I know I can survive anything even if everything I have is taken away from me.

 

Yeah I actually I was thinking about that, on my way to work today. I was thinking about how meaningful it is to recover after losing everything. During the worst, there were so many stories that comforted me, especially classics like Hamlet and the book of Job. I feel like I actually developed character after all is said and done. I don't want to continuing viewing every failure or misfortune as an opportunity because I'll get complacent, but nothing changed me like these last few years of hardship.

[meoww]

Surprising lifestyle indicators of abuse:

 

if anyone reading this journal is having trouble identifying whether or not they are being abused--well, these are not the most obvious signs but being aware of these things helped me realize that my parents are mentally ill

 

1. if their only so called friends live far away or they have limited contact---if the abuser doesn't have any constant contacts with people, this is a sign they are not able to keep healthy, consistent, long-term relationships with people. My parents aren't able to have normal friendships because, presumably, something would go terribly wrong if they had to get close to someone who had normal expectations of them.

 

2. they do other 'illegal' things--I don't mean drug use, but more that they cheat on their taxes, pay people under the table, try to game the system in myriad ways. Such people have no scruples in their professional or personal lives.

 

3. I've met a few people in my life that I'd call abusive, and they all had one thing in common--a very different set of values than mine. This may not be apparently initially, but the more you get to know them, the more you find that things you view as reprehensible, they view as totally acceptable!

 

4. people who act very differently when they think no one is watching them