Why do men do this?

[sognatrice]

Let me preface this by saying I'm not sure I posted this in the right forum and that I don't think *all* men do this, but...

 

Why is it that a lot of men, whether they are not yet men (teenagers) or grown men, feel the need to lie about the conquests?

 

Case in point: one of my exes from years back who was very solitary, very shy and had no game with women despite being very good looking would post on forums online talking about girls" and "bringing home girls only to love them and leave them." It was quite a shock to read this, but he had admitted to me it was all fantasy made up in his head (which I really didn't understand as I myself wouldn't make up such stories). But he vehemently denied them and honestly, I believe it was all just fantasy since he just never had it in him to actually do the graphic things he wrote about. Some of these posts had quite elaborate back stories that he must have spent some time making up in his head for his "e-cred." In fact, some of them were really quite graphic and a little shocking to me, but all his e-buddies (who were probably equally as shy in real life and just acting out their fantasies online) were egging him on with their own wild stories.

 

I know they are just words but I would be lying if I didn't say that I felt a little bit of hurt in the pit of my stomach. Not because this meant he was cheating on me- the posts weren't during the time we were together at all- but because he is capable of writing about women with such contempt. He wrote things like, "women are all psycho" and "I only stayed with so and so for the blow jobs" and "I was this fine little 19 year old whose father practically threw at me because I am so and so" and "she's annoying but a good .. where can I hide the body?" I mean, it was really shocking because this is not the person I knew/know at all, and it sort of concerned me.

 

It all came out because had googled his name a couple months ago while he was sitting next to me when we were working on a project together in class related to 21st century technology. We had googled each other for fun, not thinking anything of it. On the second page of results, I found his "handle" and putting two and two together with the information and needless to say, he was quite embarassed! His face turned beet red and he got defensive. I didn't push it, but I had asked him if it was stuff that actually happened. He said no and that he was just bored, lonely and wrote it online as a release and because he was a stupid kid (it was 5-6 years ago). I have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever (we're just good friends), so I wasn't upset per se, but I was a bit worried. I was also shocked! I was just thinking about this no more than 10 minutes ago, googled again and lo and behold, all his posts were edited with "so and so removed this post at such and such time." Does this mean he was embarrassed.ashamed/knows what he did was kind of... weird? I do think it is healthy to find an outlet for your fantasies and desires, but at what point is this no longer normal?

 

Why is it that some men feel the need to do this when (I think) most women don't? It's almost inconceivable to me to think of a woman making similar postings online. Why?

 

Is it really true that the less "action" you are getting, the more you talk about it? I always remembered him as very shy, introverted and not at all a guy who would go out on dates unless asked. It wouldn't surprise me if he hadn't been on any dates since we broke up in 2008, unless a girl asked him out first.

[In the Dark]

Sounds like that is the way he would like his life to be.

Also he probably doing this to make himself look like he has what he wants.

Game with the ladies amongst the people reading.

 

It would be an insecurity thing as well.

 

Women don't want to make such postings online because they do not want to look like a sl....

[sognatrice]

So men with insecurities do this?

 

It's kind of funny because despite the fact that he is very shy and very private, sometimes he can come off as arrogant and a know-it-all. Does that mean he is overcompensating?

 

I really do hope the 'exploits' weren't real because some of them were quite mean and quite sad for the girl(s) involved.

[In the Dark]

Only you know who is the real him.

Who knows he maybe struggling with being the douche bag he wants to be or he has the shy front to make him look like he is just that.

A shy introverted guy, when he is actually a douche bag.

[vacation]

how well do you know him?

[sognatrice]

I know him extremely well. We've known each other for almost 7 years but did not date that whole time. This stuff was written while we were friends, but not dating.

 

We were always very, very close. We were each others' best friends while dating and still are great friends, so this is why I think it's weird I never knew that side of him. Maybe he wanted to keep it hidden? That's his right, of course. But it's still puzzling!

 

Is it possible the stuff actually happened?

[Hollyj]

Have you noticed disrespect for women prior to this? It sounds like it goes beyond sexual escapades and gets quite mean.

[sognatrice]

It gets VERY mean.

 

I always sensed an underlying feeling of contempt towards relationships from him, which was part of the reason I broke up with him. He was great as a friend and good as a boyfriend, but that unnerved me a bit. His parents divorced when he was 3 and he always saw women as "obligations." His preconceived notions towards women, now that I think of it, were quite scary. He never ever outright treated me badly, but he tended to be defensive and/or withdraw when I tried to get him to open up to me. He didn't call me often and it seemed like I had to reach out to him.

 

He thinks a lot of women are crazy. If you want my honest opinion, I think that while growing up and because he was kind of chubby and always on the computer he didn't have many friends. He was undoubtedly interested in some girls that I'm sure turned him down. When he became an adult and moved away from his small town and lost weight and "filled out", becoming quite handsome, I think he unconsciously decided to make women suffer for turning him down all the time. I also think he didn't get to see any healthy male-female relationships growing up.

 

It makes me sad. I read that he was with his ex only because of the oral sex but that she annoyed him and that she was a "double bagger," but from what he has actually told me, the time he wrote that on the forum was the "honeymoon" phase in their relationship. He described in graphic detail their first (made up- I know it was made up for a fact) sexual encounter in his car and then asks where he can then dump her body. His ex and I were also good friends even before I knew him, and in a roundabout way we spoke about this and she categorically denied that encounter even happened.

 

He also posted about how he was purposely mean to her to keep her interested and "the dumb kept calling him back" so he wanted to milk it for all it was worth. They eventually ended up dating for three years and from what I can tell, he was never abusive towards her, but the fact that he could have written those things is unnerving.

 

He did not write about our relationship on any forum. Is this normal online fantasy or does it sound like something deeper?

[sognatrice]

Things he has said online:

 

- Women are there for making food for their men and having sex and are not to be trusted under any circumstances

- His ex was a double bagger and he kept her only for the BJs

- He wanted to "hide her body" somewhere

- He hated fat girls

- He thinks all girls, no matter what, end up being psycho and you over

- He (when he was 23 supposedly) had a one night stand with:

A girl at a local college he was not attending at the time; he "was her father's worst nightmare"

A 19 year old girl he ""

A girl at a renaissance fair who gave him a bj and a hand job in a tent

An 18 year old girl he brought into his apartment but couldn't get to stay the weekend because her parents would worry (I know this one for sure isn't true because his landlady has told me I was the first girl to spend the night at his place! She was very gossipy.. haha)

- He went to strip clubs all the time and got into the VIP section and got strippers phone numbers (yeah, ok!)

- He brought strippers to business dinners

 

 

But the real him that I know... he's shy! And private. And though I definitely see resentment towards women bubbling under the surface, I don't think his stories are true. Just a few days ago, though, he was talking about how no women are emotionally calm and that relationships all suck the life out of you and are a burden. I broke up with him because I honestly felt like I was a burden to him, too.

[sognatrice]

I want to laugh it off but it's kind of worrisome. You know? I just want to understand!

[DN]

Moderator Note: please follow ENA rules regarding language.

[sognatrice]

Sorry! I thought I could type it and the forum would automatically blank it out as happens in some forums.

 

But then how do I get my point accross? His posts were really graphic and now my posts loses something if I can't say what he said.

 

And furthermore, you're a man and you're very wise. What do you think?

[Hollyj]

I want to laugh it off but it's kind of worrisome. You know? I just want to understand!

 

There's nothing to understand. This guy has a deep-rooted hatred of women. He has serious issues. This is NOT normal.

 

I'm glad to hear you got away from this guy!

[DN]

I think people get the point!!

 

He clearly has an inferiority complex regarding women and compensates for it by degrading them. Probably something happened when he was younger perhaps involving his mother or some other female authority figure. It's sort of sad really because it means he will never be able to form a balanced and loving relationship.

[sognatrice]

There's nothing to understand. This guy has a deep-rooted hatred of women. He has serious issues. This is NOT normal.

 

I'm glad to hear you got away from this guy!

 

My mom told me the same thing, but he vehemently denies any issues towards women. It's such a dichotomy- when we were together he NEVER let me sleep on the side of the bed closes to the door because he didn't want me to get hurt. He walked on the side of the street, he held my umbrella, opened car doors, warmed the bed with the space heater before I got in.

 

... yet in his most private life, the life he thought nobody would ever see, he talked about "riding (imaginary) girls hard and putting them away wet," hiding bodies, and keeping girls for oral sex. I think the way we act online anonymously when we think nobody will find us is very telling. Is it possible he really does have issues towards women?

 

When we were dating I realized we were better as friends because it seemed he couldn't love 100%. He was never 100% open with me as a boyfriend although we never really fought and our personalities meshed at first glance. I wondered if I was asking for too much affection and should just settle because I was in the wrong, or if he really did have intimacy issues.

 

I really wonder what could be the cause of it.

[sognatrice]

I think people get the point!!

 

He clearly has an inferiority complex regarding women and compensates for it by degrading them. Probably something happened when he was younger perhaps involving his mother or some other female authority figure. It's sort of sad really because it means he will never be able to form a balanced and loving relationship.

 

He and his mother have a great relationship today. When he was younger, she was severely depressed due to a thyroid problem and they fought a lot (he went to counseling with a priest for it for a short time) but now they are the best of friends. He lives very far away from all of his family and hardly ever spoke to me about them. He lived and still lives a very isolated lifestyle and doesn't have many friends.

 

I believe he's always been a loner and in his mind hates women for turning him down so much when he was younger either due to his weight, looks/shyness/lack of experience or all of the above.

 

I ended up feeling very insecure while with him because of him not opening up. I felt like I always was a burden to him on some deep level (besides the fact that his financial situation wasn't so good), but on a surface day to day level we got along great. But before we dated he said he wasn't interested because all women are burdens. Eventually he grew to have strong feelings for me and we dated, but I never recovered from feeling like I was a burden/he thought me asking him to be emotional was crazy.

 

My mom believes the reason he is so "macho" and moved so far away from his family to my town was because he might have a) done something really bad and was being looked for because of it or b) some trauma happened to him within his family that he is escaping from.

 

I wish I could just understand. I hope our relationship didn't just add fuel to his fire in terms of how he feels about women; I was a very good girlfriend to him, but I worry!

[DN]

Don't put unnecessary burdens on your shoulders. His problems and inadequacies are his to deal with - don't you take responsibility for them.

[Hollyj]

This is for him to deal with, not you. You are no longer in a relationship with this guy but, are clearly not over him.

 

This man has issues and will not change until HE wants to address his problems.

 

He does not like or trust women. The sexual comments were degrading and cruel, and any man that thinks all women are crazy has a lot of issues!

 

I hope to god you're not considering a reconciliation?

[sognatrice]

I'm not taking responsibility for them, but I still care for him as a person immensely because of the good times we had and because of the years we spent together. That's only normal. He was not a monster to me in the least, which is why this has made me very confused; I just felt like he wasn't completely emotionally there and couldn't let himself go. Something felt "off" despite his care towards me, and now I think I know what it was.

 

But what, honestly, could cause a person to be this way? I know his mom personally and she's a nice enough lady. Is what he wrote really indicative of issues, though, or *could* it be passed off as just harmless online venting? If you were me, would you have been worried too?

 

Hollyj- no reconciliation. Like I said, our relationship had been put in the shoebox in the back of my closet almost three years ago (I've dated since and moved on and am currently SLOWLY considering reconciliation with the man I dated after him and the man who I wanted to marry, but that's neither here nor there.. lol). We had remained good friends, but now that I know this information I am considering not even being friends with him at all because it seems dangerous to me. No reconciliation and I am completely over him- but being that he is a close friend to me, it does make me wonder if I should continue our friendship.

[vacation]

a lot can happen in 2 years.

 

Don't lose sleep over it. Not all guys live a double standard life either.

[sognatrice]

Sure they don't. But not all guys post openly about keeping their girlfriends just for sex, about hiding their bodies, about how women should be relegated to serving their husbands and how he has one night stands and needs to figure out how to "get rid of the b*tch"

 

I get online fantasies- it's all good fun. But these weren't jokes in the least.

[Hollyj]

Thank God!!!

 

I don't know. That decision is only your to make. Please, do not think you can change him, he has to hit a bottom before he will be willing to address his problems.

 

What do your male friends think of this?

[vacation]

what kind of forum is this ?

 

maybe he was trying to fit in?

[sognatrice]

I haven't told anyone about this but my mom and his ex who he wrote about. I told my mom and she saw the posts before they were deleted and she was absolutely floored. They were really, really graphic and just oozed with hatred towards women. This is what I most want to know: is it normal to have these fantasies as an outlet or is it really indicative of a problem? His ex was very, very sad about it since the time frame in which he posted about her was, to her, the time in which she had the happiest memories with him.

 

Anyway, if I could really tell someone about this, it would be his mother. I wonder what she would say, but it is not my place to do so by any means as much as I would want to/I really think she needs to know.

[sognatrice]

what kind of forum is this ?

 

maybe he was trying to fit in?

 

It's a forum not unlike ebaumsworld but worse. It has porn, car stuff, and torrents, etc. It's a big forum with lots of male members and hardly any female that really isn't about anything. I don't want to give the name of it, but it's so ridiculous but some posts are really messed up there and people have girls being smacked with penises as their avatars.