Your thoughts on Pre-Nups?

[Huntress0527]

A marriage is supposed to be about 'ours' coming together as one. To me a pre-nup says ok I'm going to protect myself in the event of our divorce but I want to marry you for the tax break and insurance. It's all too financial which is not what a true marriage is about.

[Seraphim]

I agree. I would not enter into a marriage were there was a prenup. My fiance makes much more than I do and is in a better place but this has never once come up. For us, our money will be together. If your a couple who doesn't want your money together then I guess a prenup makes more sense.

 

Yeah it is kind of like saying," uh huh I know you are a financial nobody and the thing that matters in this relationship is MY money which I am protecting for ME."

[mhowe]

Also, if I were young and starting out in a marriage, sure -- no need for a prenup. But the OP has 3 companies, plenty of real estate and land all over the USA. How is it wrong for her to want to protect that.....especially given that she willing paying off his DEBT. Meaning, he has 0 assets!!!

[Seraphim]

But Vic- YOU are only one half of the equation. You can't make someone stay married to YOU if they decide it's over. And if they do the "we" suddenly becomes "you" and the person leaving isn't going to always play fair.

 

Well I know you can not make someone stay with you. But if someone ain't sharin I ain't marryin.

[Huntress0527]

Also, if I were young and starting out in a marriage, sure -- no need for a prenup. But the OP has 3 companies, plenty of real estate and land all over the USA. How is it wrong for her to want to protect that.....especially given that she willing paying off his DEBT. Meaning, he has 0 assets!!!

 

While I get what you're saying but then let me ask this...why marry him then? Why not just co-habitat together and have an LTR. She can still help pay his debt without being married and he would have no access to her assets.

[Seraphim]

Also, if I were young and starting out in a marriage, sure -- no need for a prenup. But the OP has 3 companies, plenty of real estate and land all over the USA. How is it wrong for her to want to protect that.....especially given that she willing paying off his DEBT. Meaning, he has 0 assets!!!

 

But see how putting it that way makes him worthless and life is about money?

[OptomisticGirl]

Also, if I were young and starting out in a marriage, sure -- no need for a prenup. But the OP has 3 companies, plenty of real estate and land all over the USA. How is it wrong for her to want to protect that.....especially given that she willing paying off his DEBT. Meaning, he has 0 assets!!!

 

.It's actually kind of hypocritical IMO to say 'here hunny, sign this prenup' but then 'I"m going to pay your debts off'. So does that mean when/if the divorce he has to pay that money back to her? Or is that considered what is earned during the marriage, even though it's not?

[FathomFear]

The thing is I see a pre nup as a negative intention to begin with. I see it as I am here for now, but eh maybe in 5 years I won't be. I would not enter a marriage where I felt that is what the person's intention was.

 

I don't see pre-nups as sinister by default. While it's possible someone might have that thought process ("Gee, I'm going to get a pre-nup because I know I'll be bored in a few years and want out anyway...") for the vast majority of people it's just a safety measure born from the fact that we can't predict the future. We never know what will be thrown at us. Your husband might come to you today, for example, and tell you that he's had two women on the side for the last five years. Or you might marry someone only to see them become a completely different person over a period of time, such that you no longer are compatible despite your best efforts. This is why most marriages end. Not becuase it was intended, but because circumstances changed in ways that could not be rectified. Given the very high failure rate of marriages I can't really blame people for being realistic and taking pro-active steps to protect themselves in the event that they might become part of the statistic.

[Seraphim]

Ok but I do not plan my life on a statistic though. I look at the person's words and actions and see how they mesh. I put predominance on actions though, and when someone hands me a piece of paper that says "my financial security, ie my money is worth more than this relationship" I would hand it back and say, " go find yourself someone who does not mind being seen as a money grubber"

[blackhawks1287]

Life is about money period. We cannot function without it. We may not need a lot of it, but we do need it in whatever way we can get it.

 

If people have money before a marriage it is their choice to want to protect it. It is just like insurance to a house/car, and 401k to retirement, a trust for your children. You want to secure to secure yourself IN CASE something happens.

 

Pre-nups have such a negative connotation when really it could essentially protect BOTH parties. If you can't take from him, he can't take from you. I think people without this mentality or without money do not see the value in a pre-nup are the ones that get offended because of the negative image they have.

 

ME? I want a prenup, not because I wont be the most devoted husband ever, but because I don't want to be bent over if someone loses the love they have for me. With the amount of careless infidelity, mixed emotions, negative manifesting thoughts, insecurities, hormonal outrages, who can safely say...HEY THIS WONT HAPPEN TO US, NO NEED FOR IT. It is about looking out for you, but being selfless enough to still share a life with someone.

 

It is like a will...who is to say that when he dies...you will get anything. You guys could build this great life together and what was essentially his may not necessarily go to you anyway, so what is the point of arguing about it. You DON'T KNOW where and what may happen. If you love him and money is not the object SIGN THE THING AND BE QUIET. If you see it as a lack of trust, well you already shafted ability when he said two syllables, so might as well just leave now because you will be to insecure to marry him.

[OptomisticGirl]

This is why people who are okay with prenups should marry people with prenups and people who don't like them should marry those with that same view point.

[Seraphim]

This is why people who are okay with prenups should marry people with prenups and people who don't like them should marry those with that same view point.

 

Exactly. If you are happy with pre nups find another person who is happy with one.

[petite]

I've always had divided opinions about prenuptials - for myself and others. Personally, I am one of those romantics that believes, if I am getting married then it is to the right man and I think he wouldn't take anything that was not his. That being said, it's always nice to be secure, especially those that have a high net worth. No one can predict a divorce, or what their partners might be like in the future, but I hope if worst came to worth that he would be fair and not take what isn't his - just as I wouldn't take anything that wasn't mine.

 

Weigh out the pros and cons and divide what is best for you, because really it's a very personal decision and one that can make or break you financially. I knew someone that was battling with her ex years after the marriage ended for inheritance which she received after they divorced.

[Kitkat973]

With the current divorce rate, and in a situation like yours, I'd think that not having a prenup would be idealistic. There's a definite financial gap between you, and if anything I think it'd help show that your relationship isn't about money.

[Seraphim]

I think that is why my brother's wife wanted a pre nup because when her parents die she stands to inherit about 15 million so she wanted him to have no part of that. However as my brother told her, I can make my own money, I have no need for anyone's money and certainly not your family's and if you think that is what I am about, you are sorely wrong.

[blackhawks1287]

if anything I think it'd help show that your relationship isn't about money.

 

EXACTLY, if it is not about money, just sign it. Why argue over money, if it is worth arguing over then it must be something you actually hold more importance to anyway.

 

If someone signs a pre-nup...depending on the TERMS (NOT ALWAYS ABOUT MONEY PEOPLE) then they are waiving their rights to whatever assets, items, technically unimportant things when it comes to a relationship.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think that is why my brother's wife wanted a pre nup because when her parents die she stands to inherit about 15 million so she wanted him to have no part of that. However as my brother told her, I can make my own money, I have no need for anyone's money and certainly not your family's and if you think that is what I am about, you are sorely wrong.

 

And see that is SO strange to me. If I inheriated money while marriage it wouldn't be MY money, it would be OUR money. But I guess I have a weird view on it. As I said, L makes more than I do but even though we aren't married, we freely exchange money between us without keeping a tally of who owes the other what - unless one of us had to take it out of something specific and it had to go back in. But that's what a marriage is to ME.

[tresqua]

Since I have a large amount of assets, my mother was advising me yesterday about getting a pre-nup.

 

Does everyone think it spells doom or taking precautions?

 

Absolutely get a prenup. There's a huge financial disparity right there, more marriages fail than succeed, and the court system is unfair and flawed.

 

The prenup doesn't "spell doom" or cause a marriage to fail, it just makes things go faster and smoother when it ultimately does fail. It also weeds out the gold diggers, even though we all know that your future wife is not after you for your money.

 

Be aware that sometimes a prenup can be contested, challenged, etc.. so there are other things that can be done to protect assets that you own prior to the marriage, I suggest you familiarize yourself with those procedures, and that includes but is not limited to keeping funds separate and paying off loans on existing property from your own monies. Once they're mingled, forget about it.

[tattoobunnie]

I don't think of it as not willing to share. And I really don't think he would consider it as a belief that he is worthless. Only oneself can make them feel that way.

 

It's like a 7 year old coming into their inheritance. In the event of a divorce, you will have to wind up having your ex as your major shareholder or boss or coworker, or forced to sell the companies. And a loss of certification status as a women-owned company on a federal and state level.

 

I think I may go this direction...my will already stipulates the allocation of my shares upon my death (well, I'll need to redo it when we have kids), and have a pre-nup that only stipulates that all of my corporate shares and ownership will remain intact in any situation.

[blackhawks1287]

I think that is why my brother's wife wanted a pre nup because when her parents die she stands to inherit about 15 million so she wanted him to have no part of that. However as my brother told her, I can make my own money, I have no need for anyone's money and certainly not your family's and if you think that is what I am about, you are sorely wrong.

 

Then sign it and prove it to him...if it is not about money sign a pre-nup stating what we get on our own within the boundaries of our relationship, then it is our own, and not each other's.

[Weeb]

for the vast majority of people it's just a safety measure born from the fact that we can't predict the future. We never know what will be thrown at us.

Exactly. I would probably have a pre-nup, and it would actually be a red flag to me if I were with someone who refused to sign it.

[OptomisticGirl]

Absolutely get a prenup. There's a huge financial disparity right there, more marriages fail than succeed, and the court system is unfair and flawed.

 

The prenup doesn't "spell doom" or cause a marriage to fail, it just makes things go faster and smoother when it ultimately does fail. It also weeds out the gold diggers, even though we all know that your future wife is not after you for your money.

 

Be aware that sometimes a prenup can be contested, challenged, etc.. so there are other things that can be done to protect assets that you own prior to the marriage, I suggest you familiarize yourself with those procedures, and that includes but is not limited to keeping funds separate and paying off loans on existing property from your own monies. Once they're mingled, forget about it.

 

The OP is actually a woman.

[Seraphim]

And see that is SO strange to me. If I inheriated money while marriage it wouldn't be MY money, it would be OUR money. But I guess I have a weird view on it. As I said, L makes more than I do but even though we aren't married, we freely exchange money between us without keeping a tally of who owes the other what - unless one of us had to take it out of something specific and it had to go back in. But that's what a marriage is to ME.

 

Me too. In our marriage it is OUR money. Right now I do not work but I did for 26 years. However it is not now HIS money. We are one unit.

[FarthestEdge]

Well I know you can not make someone stay with you. But if someone ain't sharin I ain't marryin.

 

Ok, but that also means if YOU are the one who has worked hard and built something substantial, or even inherited money that your parents or grandparents worked hard to leave to YOU, then you are prepared to risk half of that based on your principles that you believe your partner shares with you...

 

Do you think the people who have seen half their life's efforts disappear with the signing of one settlement cheque to their ex-partner honestly thought for a second that would happen when they got married? I know my friends didn't (even if some of us could see the train wreck barreling down).

 

Love is risky. How risky is up to you. You can risk your heart and soul...and your wallet if you so choose.

 

I do agree though that it may very well be a dealbreaker, because it underlies overall attitudes towards money, inheritances, and contributions to the marriage, and if you vehemently disagree on this, chances are there will be bitterness and mistrust as well as incongruous attitudes going forward.

[Fudgie]

I will never marry without signing one, regardless of amount.

 

It's not romantic but it's necessary. It's a "what if". You have NO way of knowing if you'll divorce, from whatever. What if your husband cheats? What if someone gets into drugs or just changes as a person and you guys didn't do anything wrong but you're just not compatible?

 

I think it's ALWAYS good to have a back-up plan. I hear a lot of people suffer and moan because they didn't sign one and now have to give the ex half of everything. It is naive to not have a back-up plan and just leave things up to fate because "well I KNOW we'll be together forever and ever." Uhm, no you don't. You can't read the future.

 

If a guy I wanted to marry tried to talk me out of a pre-nup, I'd have serious reservations about his thinking-ahead ability and maturity.

 

Also, I don't believe in joint accounts. I would not pool my money with my future husbands. We would both pay household expenses and pay for big purchases (shared) together. But I'm not pooling it. That's just asking for trouble.

 

I also stand to inherit a lot of money in the future and I don't want it to be automatically my husband's money. I'd share it with him, probably, but it's my money and I can decide how much. It's not automatically his too just because we got married. If he inherited anything, same thing. It's his money and he is free to do with it what he will.