wicked6018 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 i have said in previous posts that i am young and have already suffered much in my life, especially the past six years. i've said how tired i am of it. how i just want to be happy. how it's not fair. here is my question. does kindness win in the end? i am a kind, caring person. i do as much good as i can. i try to be positive. yet i still have, and have now, to endure all this pain. i've been through it all. physical. emotional. mental. will i ever be happy? will my kindness and perseverance ever pay off? i just don't feel like it will. i could live another 70 or 80 years. and that thought of living scares me. help. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 There are people who will take advantage of those who are kind. There are also people who will treasure that kindness. If it pays off or not is all in who you surround yourself with. Link to comment
esrever Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Being kind doesn't always pay off, some people need a helping hand and you should give them that. Some people need a kick in the butt -- and you should give them that too. Make sure you ask yourself every time you're being nice, if you're really helping them or if you're just being a push over. The difference is whether or not your actions are hurting you and only helping them. Link to comment
REGUY Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Wicked I am asking myself the same thing at this moment if it makes you feel any better. Where i am sitting now I will say no. I do everything I can for people and it has not gotten me anywhere good yet. I have been walked all over being kind and the only time a had an ounce of control in relationships is when I was the * * * * .... I do believe what kit kit is saying but I just haven't found that person yet. Unfortunately in our society the mysterious guy and the bad boy usually get what we are looking for and being kind isn't either of those. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 esrever, i have been told before that i'm a pushover. i guess i didn't realize it. after what i've been through lately, i've made some changes. i'm kind to everyone when i meet them, but if they do not reciprocate, i don't go out of my way to be friendly. maybe i just have too much of a good heart. it is a curse. reguy, kindness hasn't gotten me anywhere, either. the thing is, my ex wasn't the mysterious guy or the bad boy. i truly believed that he had a wonderful heart, and i still feel like he might and still can't believe that he's done this to me. i am watching a show right now about a woman who is addicted to her teddy bears. she cares for the bears like children because her dream of becoming a mother never came true. i'm so scared that this may happen to me. not that i'll be addicted to bear, but that my dreams of being a wife and mother will never come true. that even my dreams of just having friends will never come true. i just want to be happy. i feel like i desereve to enjoy life. no one should have to hurt as much as i have. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I believe so. I'm not sure how old you are, but you say you're young, so I imagine you're probably in your 20's, and honestly, my 20's were the worst time of my life. I remember feeling much like you do -- like no matter what I did, no matter how much compassion, kindness, patience I showed people, I would get stepped on; that no matter how hard I tried to follow the rules and do everything "right," things wouldn't work out for me; that no matter how hard I tried to be "good" that it would never be good enough. I don't have a lot of tragedy in my past, in the sense of having a bad home life, or illnesses, or anything like that, but I was bullied for the majority of my childhood, and I was so beaten down. By the time I got to college, I had such a poor self-image; I thought I was unattractive, not "good enough, unloveable. At the same time, though, I KNEW I was a good person -- it's that "cognitive dissonance" thing, I think -- and I knew that being happy wasn't an unrealistic expectation. What happened for me was a slow and gradual shift once I approached my 30's; I started to get outside of my own head and really pay more attention to others; to really listen; to cultivate friendships with quality people; to further my education and work toward a career; to stop looking at everything unfair that happened to me as some great tragedy; to start taking better care of myself, exercising regularly and eating better; to learn what was worth getting upset and angry over and what wasn't; to be OK with not being perfect. And it's only gotten better from here. I'll be 41 in a few months, and I have to say that my life has gotten progressively better as I've gotten older, learned to treat myself better -- I have found that people generally treat me really well, and I think a lot of it has to do with my positive attitude toward myself. I feel better (mentally AND physically), look better, and have a lot more faith in myself, my abilities, my talents, and my character -- than I have ever had before. I know it's a cliche, but...time really makes a difference. The person I was at 22 would NEVER have thought she would be as successful as my 41 year-old self is. The person I was at 27 was in despair believing she would never fall in love, make a good salary, feel proud of her accomplishments. At 41, I've done all of those things, and more! Long story less long: I believe that the BEST chance we all have of leading full and fulfilling lives is to be the BEST people we can be. This means being compassionate and kind to others AND ourselves; to live lives of integrity and authenticity, even when the world around us seems to lack these things; to find people and things we love and to cherish those things; to do what we can, even in small ways, to make the world better. In the end, most of us will NOT be remembered for how much we owned, how smart we were, how pretty/handsome we were, but for how we touched other people's lives. This reminds me of what Anne Frank said in her diary: "In spite of everything I believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery, and death." Link to comment
shes2smart Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Well...what payoff were you looking to get, exactly? Anytime you do something or behave in a certain way with any expectations about getting something in return, you automatically set yourself up for disappointment...and will likely be disappointed more often than not. Is that "fair"? Nope. But life, love and a plethora of things in this world aren't fair. I guarantee you have done things you truly believed to be fair....and yet, if you asked around, you'd probably be able to find someone who believed that you weren't fair at all. "Fair" can be pretty subjective, really. So does that mean we run over everyone else, grabbing what we can for ourselves and disregarding every other person who crosses our path? Nope. It means we have to find different, more inner-directed reasons to be kind and fair and thoughtful. None of this expecting to get *anything* back....or expecting anyone to do anything for us. In a lot of ways, these elusive things like being happy and having a good life are more about our inner state (or attitude or outlook) than the crap that goes on around us. The older I get, the more I understand that...and the more ways I understand that. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Wow, do I ever agree with this one. A while ago maybe more than I year ago I had thread on expectations and yeah it is far better to have none. Expecting people to be "exactly like us" is totally unreasonable. It denies them their own way of being. Basically expecting certain things from people because we did something for them makes US more important than THEM. Then the ego ends up hurt over and over. Just let go of expectation and ego. Link to comment
livelarge Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 For me, kindness pays off in the end. And the end to me is that I know in my heart of hearts, that I have been kind and treated people as I want to be treated. EVEN if they don't treat me that way. I did what was right for me. Being kind doesn't guarantee me happiness or even a perfect after-life. For me, it's just the right thing to do. It is my moral compass. Now, the only time I question it is when people are acting like complete jerks, but I believe it was advice that I got on this board that turned me around, it said, "You don't have to stop being nice, just stop being nice to that person." Learn who deserves your kindness and learn who does not and leave those who do not to their own devices. Oftentimes, it is those people who are the source of much of your pain. Link to comment
stuka80 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 it depends on the circumstances. but in general, only be kind to those people who are kind back to you or else you will be suffering a great deal. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 To know that as kind as I can be sometime that no matter what people do or say to me I still maintain my bearing is testament to my strength. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 browneyedgirl and livelarge, especially thank you. browneyedgirl, i can feel a little more hopeful knowing that you sort of experienced what i did when you were my age. i'm glad that you have found happiness. i guess it's not so much like i feel like i deserve "payback" from the way i live my life. not at all. i just feel like i DON'T deserve physical pain that i've had since in was a child, depression i've had since i was a teenager, loneliness, etc. i don't understand why bad things happen to good people, basically. i feel like i should be given the basics....friends, health, etc. is that so unreasonable? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 That is the thing, there are NO basics. If there was 95% of the world would not live in poverty. People would not be starving to death by no other reason than not being lucky enough to be born on the wrong continent. The trick is to do the best you can with what you were given and not pine for what you were not given, because I can guarantee you there are millions more people less fortunate. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 i know there are. i think of this often. i always tell myself that despite everything, i'm blessed. but knowing that there are others that have it even worse doesn't take my pain away. but i know what you're saying. i'm thankful for every milisecond that i don't have pain in my body. i'm thankful for my family. i'm thankful that i have food to eat,etc. but matters of the heart and the mind, those are the things that i truly feel are needs as well. Link to comment
pitbulllover Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 im kind, but not to the point that people take advantage of me.. its happened to me and i wont do it again.,.. it seems like something really bad has happened to you.. you'll persevere im suree(: Link to comment
banal Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Does kindness win in the end? It's not near the end for you. Not even close. So who knows? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 i know there are. i think of this often. i always tell myself that despite everything, i'm blessed. but knowing that there are others that have it even worse doesn't take my pain away. but i know what you're saying. i'm thankful for every milisecond that i don't have pain in my body. i'm thankful for my family. i'm thankful that i have food to eat,etc. but matters of the heart and the mind, those are the things that i truly feel are needs as well. Of course matters of the heart and mind are important, that was just an example. If you want an example closer to your reality and ARE affairs of the heart, you have TWO parents who are dying to communicate with you. Dying to help you. I have seen threads where you said your mother wants to be of help to you but you push her away, your dad writes letters to you to try to be of help to you and is literally begging to talk to you which he is why he is writing the letters btw, and yet you can not talk to him.When will their kindness pay off right? I would give anything to have a father who cared but I don't. I have a father who said "go away, you bother me, go away, I don't hear you", a father who could not even be bothered to feed me or take me to the dr when I had broken bones and those are just some things that happened. I think you REALLY need to take stock of what you have that is so so valuable and respond to the people reaching out to you. You never know you just might feel better. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 i know there are. i think of this often. i always tell myself that despite everything, i'm blessed. but knowing that there are others that have it even worse doesn't take my pain away. but i know what you're saying. i'm thankful for every milisecond that i don't have pain in my body. i'm thankful for my family. i'm thankful that i have food to eat,etc. but matters of the heart and the mind, those are the things that i truly feel are needs as well. I see your point here. Knowing that others are suffering DOES give some perspective, but it doesn't necessarily make you feell *better* about your own life. As a very wise friend once said to me, "Suffering is relative. Even if your problems aren't technically as 'severe' as someone else's or your losses aren't as objectively 'big' as someone else's, they're YOURS, and you're the one experiencing them and feeling them." She told me this when I was beating myself up over being sad about a break-up when something very serious was going on in her life -- a parent ill with cancer. There has to be balance: You have to feel what you're feeling, but at the same time, try to focus on the great stuff you DO have that other people don't. I make a mental list every time I start to feel sorry for myself: Tons of great friends, a good relationship with my parents and sibling, education, a stable job that I really enjoy, good health, a comfortable, safe place to live, a car that runs (most of the time!) hobbies and interests, and a number of talents and accomplishments that I am proud of. Pretty dang good list. In fact, ONLY thing I don't have that I really want is a partner to share my life with, and I tend to get down about that a lot (hence the list!) It doesn't "fix" anything, but it does make me realize that the things I do have are special and worth keeping, and how fortunate I am to have them. Hang in there... Link to comment
LaKings55 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Kindness and humility are always admirable traits. However, intelligence and strength are just as important. I will never treat others poorly. I will always be respectful and generous. However, I will also not let others take advantage of me or abuse me either. Have respect for yourself first and foremost. If someone hurts me or tries to spite me, I simply cut that person out of my life. I do not need them, nor will I attempt vengeance. Link to comment
Philabonia Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Kindness, in regards to how you describe it, may be synonymous with lack of self-respect, in a sense. Do you ever find that you open yourself up so much, and spread yourself so thin that people cant help but walk all over you? I used to be like this - I had what you could call a "victim mentality." I would go out of my way for the wrong type of girl, or overstep boundaries with people who were self-absorbed, and they would end up doing what they did naturally. I felt like I was being take advantage of, but in reality, I was being a fool, and asking people who were crappy to begin with to be something otherwise. Not so anymore. I choose to surround myself with better people, and I am much more guarded. I dont let my emotions be known immediately, and I protect myself. I am still nice to people that deserve it, but I am not so trusting initially. Though there are tons of ways to describe it, and tons of adjectives that could be applied, I always approach this topic like this - my dad, 65 years old and a "salt of the earth" type of guy, has always said to me "be the best person that you can be, and always do what you know to be right. It may not pay off now, but down the road, the nice guy always wins." -- he's never, ever been wrong, and I'm not going to stop trusting him now. Link to comment
LaKings55 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 It's the old walk softly and carry a big stick mentality. Don't go around looking for trouble, but don't put up with it either. I am kind and personable to those who are receptive to it. If I catch flak or someone has it in for me, I will not tolerate abuse or personal attacks. Link to comment
lemsip Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I don't see any reason not to be kind. Link to comment
wicked6018 Posted July 29, 2011 Author Share Posted July 29, 2011 thanks. i hope your dad is right : ) Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 i'm so scared that this may happen to me ... that my dreams of being a wife and mother will never come true. that even my dreams of just having friends will never come true. i just want to be happy. i feel like i desereve to enjoy life. no one should have to hurt as much as i have. What you are really writing, without saying it is: "I feel like I deserve to have a man fall in love with me and get married. This is what will truly make me happy." If this is your measure of happiness, I can see how you can live your life unhappy. Happiness really does come from inside you and it depends upon your ability to be happy alone. I know it's not what you want to hear but there are sooo many variables in relationships that you cannot control. You cannot control your ex, or your future love interests, but you can cultivate lifelong partnerships and by gosh you can still have children. I know so many divorced women who went into it thinking they would be happy and left finding that happiness comes from within. I wish that for you. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 What you are really writing, without saying it is: "I feel like I deserve to have a man fall in love with me and get married. This is what will truly make me happy." If this is your measure of happiness, I can see how you can live your life unhappy. Happiness really does come from inside you and it depends upon your ability to be happy alone. I know it's not what you want to hear but there are sooo many variables in relationships that you cannot control. You cannot control your ex, or your future love interests, but you can cultivate lifelong partnerships and by gosh you can still have children. I know so many divorced women who went into it thinking they would be happy and left finding that happiness comes from within. I wish that for you. I agree with all of the above. I always remember my grandmother telling us that happiness is a choice, and she was 100% correct. And yes, I believe that kindness does win in the end. Link to comment
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