Philabonia

2 years on and you still haunt my dreams. You were the subject of this last one, and yet I can barely remember how your voice sounds. I know I mean nothing to you now - just a part of your past that is better off left unvisited. But for some reason, I can't let you go entirely still. Hell, my stomach is in knots because I thought I saw you. I don't know if I miss you, or I am still upset that I got left by someone I trusted. It doesn't really matter, I guess - theres nothing I can do to change it now. Well back to sleep. Goodnite Lo

There will always be a hole in my heart, soul, & mind where "what could have been?" now resides. It used to be yours. Every memory of you clings to some anodyne hope that it wasnt made in vain. Every late night coffee I drink b/c I dont want to fall asleep and dream of you is now a consolation prize for getting over us. Every woman I love is compared to you. And yet you gave me up for something better. Funny how one loves abuse.

I have no idea what it is about you, yet you are on my mind. I wonder why you called a few days ago - I'm sure you didn't mean to, but its odd that you still have my number. 2 years - man, it was odd to see your number again. It brought back a lot of memories and emotions I had buried deep. It felt surreal. Honestly, it was the first time I'd been excited in a long, long time. I still love you, as always. Part of me will always hope that the call was intentional, though I can never be sure.

Im just not ever going to have another relationship. * * * * you and the jaded bastard you have made me into. I never deserved this. You owed me more.

I still can't feel for anyone, 2 years later. I just run through women, one after another, hoping that one will reawaken the flame I had with you. It feels like I am starting to collect them. And still, nothing. I don't care if they stay or leave - it really doesn't matter. I just still love you. I hate you so much for what you did, but I love you all the same.

i miss you a lot; it seems to happen once in a while. I find it so strange that we never spoke again after everything ended. We were such good friends at first - I cant believe its been over a year now, and we still dont speak. I hope one day that we do. I'd like to catch up, though I know it'd be painful to hear from you/see you again. I always wonder if you think of me - I think of you everyday...a couple times a day sometimes. I know you are not coming back, but I'd like to know I held meaning in your life. Moving on is hard - but forgetting is unbelievably difficult. I love you, moreso now because I see that I knew so little when you left. I wish I could show you it is otherwise now.

i found some old pics of us today. Made me miss you. I come on here to tell you things like that, bc I know its better to get them out here than ever direct them your way. You'd just say nothing, or even worse, give me some half-heart pity answer to try and placate me. I understand. Its been a long time now, and you're long gone and moved on. I have someone else too. Many, actually. But I hate that I have to tell myself to pretend that they are you, so I wont act like how I really feel - disinterested, and emotionally unavailable. I still miss you.

I had a dream about you last night...it was so vivid. I can't think correctly today. I hate the realization that you are still gone, but it was nice to spend a few moments with you in my mind.

I was thinking about my life, and the path to take from here, and I realized something. I have made a ton of mistakes in my life, but I have always rolled with the punches and made the best of my situation, until you. What happened between you and I is the only real mistake I've made that I truly, deeply regret. I regret what I put you through so much - I'm still unable to entirely forgive and forget what happened. Someday, I hope we can talk, and actually treat one another decently. I think I will always hope for that.

just an inevitable right angle in the path of life my friend; relegate the bad nights to googling depressing crap - get it out of your system, and move on with your life. Tomorrow brings another sunrise Zoey Deschenel can kiss my !?# though.

You were so much worse than Zoey Deschanel - you were my paramour, and now you are the bane of my existence. Why did you have to exist. You only ruined the good in me.

I've thought about you a lot today - I guess events like today make the old wounds seethe a little. Oh well, it will be over by tomorrow, and you will be relegated to the past once again. Things make sense when you stay where you're supposed to.

Its your birthday today - its been a year and a half since I've seen you. This time last year, I had yet to recognize that I had been made a fool of. Now, the truth no longer matters. All that's left is the reality that you are still part of the best memories I can recollect - I'm not sure what that means in the long run, but it makes me miss you at times like these. Though part of me can never forgive you for what you did, I do understand why you did it. I wonder, though, would you even recognize me today? I cant tell if I'm better or worse because of you, but I do know that the person I am has enough dignity to stay silent on your birthday, though he loves you all the same. How I wished something about the past mattered - I truly wish that I could pick up the phone and call you to wish you a happy birthday; the memory of Boston 2 years ago flashes before my eyes. But, it does not, and I know you are happy. That is the only reason I dont call. I know you have found something better, besides, you have chosen silence, and I dont want to mess that up for selfish reasons. So happy birthday Laurel - silence is my audience, but I am thinking of you. I hope you look at your phone for just an instance, and think of me. Yes, I do want to call, but no, I wont. I love you.

I have to say this – a drink didn’t drive me to write this letter; I drank to get up the nerve to write it. I have missed you every day since the last time I saw you. The longer I have lived and been with other people, the more sure I am that what we had was real. I am so sorry I pushed you away. It wasn’t because I didn’t love you, or had become unhappy with you in any way; I was simply immature and afraid of what I felt. I knew I loved you, and that I could see myself with you forever, but I just didn’t know how to react to that, at 22 years old. Instead of relating this to you, I made cruel jokes and remarks, like a little boy pushing down the girl he likes in the sandbox. Instead of making a move, I stayed stationary, letting you grow to resent me and move further and further away from me, even though you laid you head next to mine every night. I lost you because I did not have the courage to commit everything I had to you for fear of making a horrible mistake, when in reality my greatest mistake was doing nothing at all to remind you why I was worth loving. I know I’m supposed to have “moved on” with life and not feel these things, and damn how I moved in every different direction, form and fashion. Honestly, part of me is happy what happened took place; it forced to become better in a lot of ways. Still, in my heart, I always end up coming back to you. No one has ever meant as much to me as you did, and I still find myself thinking about you often. I’m happy with my life now, but I cant help but think what it would be like had I acted upon those feelings I felt all those years ago. I know it’s been a long time, and that you may be happy in whatever you’re doing now, but I have to ask you at least once to give me a chance to show you that I am such a better person than the one you left behind. I’m certain you loved me in spite of the mistakes I made, at least for a little while. So please, if you ever think of me or still have some inkling of feelings for me remaining, let me know.

I leave for Europe tomorrow - I cant believe it...I'm actually doing what we always talked about. I'm going away, to get away from this life I have been leading since you left. I still cant believe its been a year. On one hand, the wound still feels so fresh, and you dont seem that far away; on the other, you seem like you are a million miles away, and everything we had was just a dream. Was I ever really happy? Was there ever any other feeling than a sense of loss between you and I? I'm still so messed up over you. Its like ive been living on autopilot, and now this pergutory has become comfortable, and I dont want to move. It hurts to miss you, but I'm afraid to let you go. That is why I have to get away - go, and do things I never thought I would. I hope you know how sorry I am, and how much I regret what happened to us, but I cannot ruin my life forever. I have to breathe the air that comes to me, and let go of what eats away the peace I find in the good memories between us. I'm not sure what I intend to find on the other side of the world, but I hope that I can learn to recognize a good thing when I have it, and appreciate what's in front of me for once. I know you cannot read these words, but I do hope that can feel the gravity of what you meant to me all along. I'm going halfway around the world because of you - my only lasting regret is that I didnt go all the way far sooner. I guess timing truly is everything.

Its been a year - what else is there to say that I haven't already poured out over the past 12 months. I was cold, and you were spineless. We both made mistakes, though I still blame myself. I am tired of thinking of you though - I admit, you are always just under the surface of every romantic thought that comes to mind. Everything comes and goes back to you. I have a propensity for cliches, so I will try to be as honest as I can: I loved you, but wasnt able to commit; I lost you, and could not deal, so I went off the deep end; I still dont have much of a sense of direction, but I'm living my life the best I can; I have hope that maybe one day you will come back, but its the kind of hope a pageant-girl has for world peace; you have been the greatest catalyst I have ever known, but some of the things i have become I am not proud of; I have forgotten so much about you and I, and it pains me to forget, though it hurts so bad to remember; I cant remember your voice, only your smile - i wont call your phone just to listen to your voicemail; I still love you, or at least how I felt when I was with you - I havent felt that way about anything since; I still cant be attracted to women, as their attraction to the person ive become disgusts who I really am inside (pretty messed up, and even more lonely); I'm quite sure I will always love you in some way, but I cannot hold on to you forever; I intend to bury myself in my work, and become a lonely, sad, pessimistic little man for a while, since the emotional side of me has taken a year-long beating; I realize you have moved on, and do not care, but the feeling of worthlessness you have left me with beseeches me to continue writing to you every once in a while - it helps me understand that not everything about you and I was so worthless as it seems. I dont wish you well right now, or hope that you are happy - I just hope that your mind jumps to me every once in a while, and you have not forgotten as much as I have of you.

A year of school made me push you to the back of my mind for a while, but that long drive to Maine gave me time to realize there was a lot I hadn't yet handled. Its been a year - I should be over this, but I still think about you all the time. I miss what we had so much; I was so much better at it than being this playboy. Its just not me. I found the last V-day card you ever gave me, and it was like reading it for the first time. I am so sorry, L. I cant say it enough. I know I needed to learn what I have, and you were a part of that process, but I cannot tell you how much I wish I could've met you after this all. I still love you, and now I just have to accept that it will go unrequited, and turn the page. I've realized that you do not get over this kind of thing, at least not really; you just move on, and that page burns on. It gets buried, but it smolders all the same. Its been a year since I heard your voice, but I miss you all the same. I hope you are finding your own happiness.

This makes me think of you...I'm over hating you. I just miss you. ------------------------- After all these years runnin' round Flyin high and fallin down Well the time has come at last To rest my heart and erase my past I'm gonna leave these blues behind For some other fool to find He won't care and i dont mind Hide me babe, Hide me babe Darlin don't you cry tonight The moon is full and the world is right I've loved more than my share Took the pain and called it fair So i'm gonna lay down all my fears My highway blues and my ramblin tears They can shout it down the line I can't take what was not mine I'll raise my glass and i'll make a toast Better than some harder than most Left our mark on every town Chased our dreams and we stood our ground But i can't do those things no more Hide the way i've done before The same wings that brought me through Blow that fate and flame out too After all these years runnin' round Flyin high and fallin down Well the time has come at last To rest my heart and ease my past I'm gonna leave these blues behind For some other fool to find He won't care and i dont mind Hide me babe, Hide me babe

The wound seems fresh tonight, and you are on my mind. My birthday is tomorrow - I do not expect you to reach out. You didnt for Thanksgiving, Chistmas, or New Years...why would you find it in your heart to let me know you still think of me now? Funny - for the first time in what feels like a lifetime, you will not be there to wish me a happy birthday as the clock strikes 12. I loved that - I wish I could forget things like that, but they seem lodged within the confines of my lonely mind, tucked away in some dark corner and unwilling to leave. I hope you think about me - for all the work I've done on myself, and all the time Ive spent forcing myself to look forward, there is still a part of me that hopes you think of me. I miss your touch so dam much at times. Being single is a lot of fun, but it doesnt make you forget what you miss. At the end of every night, good or bad, no matter if I'm in my bed or some strangers, your the last thing I think about. Its like you linger in the nights silence, waiting for my the clutter of the day to subside before you remind me of what Ive lost. Why do I do this to myself? Why? I lay awake at night and wonder why I cant just let you go. I've done so well-I put your ring away, threw out and locked away all that I can that reminds me of you, but I cant get away from what lies just beneath the surface of my polished, externally strong facade. 8 months - I cant believe it; just look back...we went from being with one another every day for years, to never talking to one another again. Why does this hold such weight with me? Why cant I just let it go? I rack my brain trying to find an answer, but I can never find one. I get afraid to look into my own mind at times - its too painful to dig up the old memories. But finding out what you really did has hit me deep. I dont want to join that troop of lonely souls that misses someone who has forgotten the way they looked at them - I dont want to miss out on life. That is why I'm going all out. Deep inside, I think I do this to try and bring you back - live the life we wanted to lead, in the hopes that you will see how much Ive changed. I know this is dumb, but I cant help but want, after the way you left me. I type on here because I feel like I need to get out what I keep locked in side during the day. I wonder, what would I really say to you if we talked? After everything, after knowing what you did - what would I say? I honestly dont know - you dont have the balls to call me, and I dont want to interrupt whatever life you have going for you. As mad as I am at you at times, God knows I love you still. Hell, I would give up anything for that conversation we never had. God, I feel so much. I shouldnt feel this after so long.

I will always love you, and that fact sucks. At first, I thought it was weakness, but I think it stems more from how I felt with you in the good times. Part of it is surely guilt - I know I messed up. But you cheated on me. We were engaged. If you werent happy, you could've just told me. I dont think I can ever forgive you for that. I know you feel bad - that is why you could never talk to me. Though you are spineless and selfish, I realize that you are human, and what you did will linger with you long after you and my replacement end things. I'm sorry we couldnt have grown together. That was my fault - but I wish you couldve expressed those things, instead of doing what you did. You handicapped me emotionally for a long time, and you learned nothing from what happened. That is a shame - all that time together, for nothing. I hope you are happy, and I hope you are doing well, but I know that one day you will be back, and will still be the same little girl. Such a shame.

I have no clue why I have been thinking about you so much lately - maybe it was because I went back to NYC? I dont know, but you have been on my mind too much lately, and its frustrating. I no longer feel the pangs of guilt and twinges of pain that controlled me for so many months, but I do feel a hole where you used to be, and it seems that I try to measure its depth every time I see another picture of your smile with another mans face in the picture. There are no words for what happened, or why you acted the way you did. In some twisted, unfortunate way, I got exactly what I deserved. Do you still think of me? Do you ever wonder how I am doing? Part of me hopes so, but that part still hangs on to the memories. The other part of me is moving on, and I'm glad for that fact. Nonetheless I hope you are doing well; it seems you life is exactly what you want it to be now, and thats what it always should have been. I'm so glad that you are doing what you want, instead of feeling in limbo, but I wish we could be a part of eachothers lives for just a moment. I dont want a friendship - it would be too painful. But I would like a wave goodbye like two ships passing, instead of a silent stranger walking out of the stale glow cast by the streetlight...I can still see our world illuminated, and you are no longer there. Such a shame.

I miss you a lot today for some reason...well, maybe not you, as it has been so long now that I'm quite sure the person I miss is no longer who you are, but I miss the life we had. Man, was it imperfect, but how I miss it. I guess nostalgic is the word; it makes me wonder what might have been had we not been so immature. I still want to talk to you, though so much time has passed; I'm pretty sure I am always going to feel something for you, no matter how much it pains me to admit it. You were my best love, and my worst - I learned so much because of you, though you ended up crushing me to the point that I had to change who I was to continue on with my own life. Remember that day in New York City? Where we went to the Empire State Building? I did that again this weekend with some friends - it was fun, and I enjoyed myself, but it made me think of you. Too much still does. I am moving on with my life, and I love being single, but I wonder what could have been with you. I pray every night that we will meet again someday; to whom I pray I do not know, but its just part of me still yearning to fix what went so wrong. I still love you so much, though I've been working on cutting the emotional cord to you. You have a new boyfriend - you are happy - I dont know why I cant get over that fact. Some days are good, and some days are bad. I am going to be ok. But not a day will go by that I wont miss you for a second, and wonder what could have been. I really do hope that your life is full of joy; your laugh always was the brightest light in my world. I love you.

He looks like Ricky Gervais - you can say what you will about the things I said and did (which were caused by your ridiculous depression and codependency), but at night when you two get hot and heavy, have fun closing your eyes and thinking of me while floppy gasps for air. The new one? Yeah, shes an eagles cheerleader. Though she's not you intellectually, she sure as hell isn't Porky the pig. I didnt make the mistake of trying to replace you; I knew I couldn't. But I did accept what I wanted, and found something for the moment. You, you tried to replace me with someone who both couldn't carry my wallet or fill my boxers. I have my regrets, but the biggest one was feeling guilty about things I cannot change, when in the end you are just as lame as the girl with no brain.

I hope you and your family have a happy thanksgiving. I love you so dearly that the past 5 months would simply melt away if we could just talk. Yes, you have hurt me deeper than I ever thought possible, and reduced me to the ashes of my former self, but you have made me realize who I want to be. The one thing that saddens me is that I've learned so much, and will never be able to share that fact with you. You and your new boyfriend seem happy - I hope that's the case, for your sake. I love you too much to see you constantly on the run from one to another. I want you to find whatever you are looking for. I want you to be happy; we shared so much, I hope you learned something. It would be the greatest of travesties for so much pain to be spilled on my end, with you learning nothing in the end. But, nonetheless, you will one day realize that I am the best you are ever going to do. Yes, who I was could not deal with everything going on at the time, but that was not me. I hope to be able to show you that fact one day. I love you more than I can emphasize in words. You will always be in my heart, and I will replay the memories in my dreams. Time has only cemented you further into my psyche. BTW, I forgave jean finally - God now owes me one...I hope it involves you. Take care, Lo.

Its been 5 months - so much has changed since June 17. My life is completely different because of you. Yes, I am in the same place I would be, but I am such a different person. You both ruined and saved me from myself; I dont know whether to hate your or try to begin to forgive you -- we never talked, so I just dont know where to go. You ended our engagement, moved home, and moved in with another man two months later. How could you do that? There's nothing else to say - just, how could you ever do that to us? You gave us absolutely no respect - I still cant believe this has happened. God, how I wish we could just talk; I know you have someone else, but I just want to hear your voice. I still love you deep down, but I hate you for what you have done. Its not fair. After 5 months, I should have moved on with my life, but I still care. I hope that maybe one day you will think of me, though I know you wont; its not in your nature. Im sorry for everything I have done, but I do not deserve this.