delicous Posted September 3, 2011 Author Share Posted September 3, 2011 I reacted by contacting him, i texted him...he called me and I returned the call... I told him I want to see him, he said " Are you sure thats a good idea.?" I told him "yes" and we sorta made possible plans....I am all giddy but not ready to have sex with him again... Im not sure that I want to call us "in a relationship" but do want to be with him only and want him to with me as well.... I just dont want the title, think its best we take it slow if we do decide to try again... Link to comment
delicous Posted September 3, 2011 Author Share Posted September 3, 2011 Im assuming since you havn't responded back to this, you either A have not read it or B. have given up and think its a terrible idea... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Just read this. I think you will experience more of the same with this guy but it sounds like you prioritize being with him over being in a healthy relationship. That's your choice to make of course and I think you agree with me that there is very little possibility that this time things will be different. As far as exclusivity you don't need a title just an agreement that you won't date other people. If he's not willing to agree to that you need to assume he is having sex with other women. Link to comment
delicous Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 he stood me up tonight....so yeah...=...( Once again, cried over him... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Sorry about that. I know it is disappointing and at the same time you know that his behavior is consistent with how he's behaved in the past -no big surprise. Link to comment
delicous Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 Im trying to move on man, its going to be easy this time...I called, left a voicemail telling him "its one thing to call and say hey, I don't want to hang out." Its another to not call and told him hes a real piece of ****, ya know? And left him a txt saying ...I want him to give me my things back and he needs to come and get his so he can be out of my life forever... What gets me is that he had to rub it in my face that him and his brother and roommate were invited to this "HUGE" party and theres going to be " A LOT" of people there, but instead he wants to come and see me and hang out and be the Desinated Driver for his bro and roommate.... Then he never calls....I can almost garentee you, he screwed someone else that night, o well, I guess...I feels sorry for her... I think this man was my cowboy cassanova....Not a good thing...I should of ran months ago...=( I contacted someone else who I think I should start seeing...I want to be happy and I think I can make him happy and he can make me happier than ever, so yeah.....This chapter is closeing and another is opening, thats life right? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 I'm glad you've decided not to be in contact with him! Link to comment
delicous Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 O geeze....I messed up already, guess I am just not strong minded enough and women enough to stay away...I am sorry to my future self (2 weeks or so from now..) for once again causing an enormous amount of pain to my heart..... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I don't think beating yourself up is the answer -that's not going to motivate you to change. Give yourself positive reinforcement each time you make a choice to stay away and when you don't make that choice promise yourself you will next time. Link to comment
delicous Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 We got back in bed with each other this past weekend.... We have been seeing eachother again... I will go to his place mostly...I have no given him any more sex since this weekend...But our initial reunite was very angry, animalistic, "I don't care." type of sex....I sinced later after our "hard pounding type of sex" his softness, his face was not tense anymore, he was going a lot slower and touching my face, looking me dead in the eye, smiling a little, but not really smiling like crazy, but a little smerk here and there...kissing me long and heavy, being sensual and smooth with me, this was AFTER our mind blowing animal sex....The next morning, I got on top of him and rid him but I was too sore the 3rd time later on, could not, because it was rough sex and I was sore....Well I went home that day...Came back the day after....I held back from it lastnight and felt a since of respect, for myself....I feel like he doesn't deserve to be treated like a king when he is not choosing to treat me equally as good... We talked lastnight when I chose not to give in and he felt frustrated....He told me, he knows something is either wrong or I don't feel clean.... So I talked to him...I told him, I know you feel like your being slapped in the face, but its not towards you, its just towards our situation. I honestly do not feel like having sex with you or you going down on me... I told him, "I don't know what we are." I asked him " are we just friends with benefits." Thats when he told me, he doesn't necessarily feel that way and he feels like the past couple days have been going well, that I have been handling my stress better but he can tell when something is bothering me and I hold it in.... He told me "we are definetly dateing..." I don't know, are you talking to other boys?" I told him, definetly not...I didn't tell him about the guys ive been talking to...its none of his business what I was doing prior to us being back in eachother arms... I asked him the same question...He told me hes not talking/seeing any other girls...he really likes me...and told me if I want, we can try to refrain from sex...He cuddled on me and snuggled and we tried falling asleep... I fell asleep feeling very anxious, questioning what I am doing still...I was questioning why he told me we are "dating" it hurt...oh and I also forgot to mention that he doesn't mind if I date other guys and if I end up meeting someone that I really like to let him know.... That burned me bad...because I don't feel the need to anymore...I feel like I want him.... So yeah, thats what I meant when I posted that I messed up...Because I trully did mess up...but at the same time, I don't regret "sleeping" with him..Being "close" as I possibly can get with him....BUT "NOW" I do...I trully feel dis-respected when he tells me, he doesn't mind if I talk to and date other guys, as long as I "tell him." He also told me, which I forgot to mention " that he feels like 5 years from now, I am still going to be getting upset with him, we are going to be fighting too much." I told him "let me proove you wrong..." And he told me ok...or whatever, we are going to try it again" Anyways...THAT right there, I kinda regret saying as well because it damn right was not just ME who caused OUR issues....and by me saying that, sounds like im GROVELING...I HATE that feeling...Like im being walked on.... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 It sounds like you are prioritizing having sex with this person over whether you feel emotionally secure with this person. You define sexual intercourse as being close but on the other hand you don't feel emotionally secure with him and so by definition you are not emotionally close to him. I think he is behaving in a consistent way. He does not want to be in a committed relationship with you and enjoys having sex with you. Nothing has changed. Link to comment
delicous Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 Okay? So why did he agree on not having sex with me but still wants to see me every day? It doesn't make since if he didn't want a relationship with me.. Our problem , I think is that we NEVER built a relationship, more like puppy love/sex only....thats it...and now we are trying to get on track and its like its permanently off track....Pretty much sums it up.... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Because he knows that you're not going to abstain for long and because his promise to see you every day probably will be broken given his past unreliable behavior. Can you really imagine seeing him every single day for a month and not having sex with him? Two weeks? All building a relationship requires is two single people going on dates on a regular basis and requires that both people are reliable and trust each other. He wasn't single until recently, he wasn't willing to go on dates on a regular basis and wasn't reliable and you didn't trust him. And you still do not. Link to comment
delicous Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 I just want to throw in the towel....I don't like this anymore...I have NO freggin clue why i GIVE TWO SH*TS Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 I just want to throw in the towel....I don't like this anymore...I have NO freggin clue why i GIVE TWO SH*TS It doesn't really matter why. All that matters is how you choose to react to your feelings. You can control what you do in reaction. You can choose to react by not having sex with him, by not being in contact with him among many other alternatives. Focusing on "why do I feel this way" is something to do later, when you're calmer, more centered and you've been away from him for a long enough period of time that you can evaluate it more objectively and see if there are lessons to be learned. But justifying having sex with him because "I miss him" or "I think I still love him" is lying to yourself. It's not "because" of the feelings - you feel what you feel -it's because you choose to react to your feelings by having sex with him. Do you want to make a different choice? Totally within your control. Link to comment
delicous Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 I hear you...I don't know how to react anymore. I know he is constantly busy latley...Hes working even when he is off work and Im not talking about in door office environment, Im talking about construction sh*t....So I know hes busy, but I still want to be close to him so Ill text or call...I get upset if he doesn't text me back...But its not like 2 hours later, I get upset...Sometimes I wait until the next day and still no txt back.... I am trying to stay away from him sexually, but still want to be close with him in other ways... He just seems to have everything on his plate BUT to see me...and if its on his mind, its usually involving wanting sex or ME coming over THERE instead of him coming to me, Im always driving...I hate it...His place is like 1hr away from me... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 You do know how to react, you just choose not to react in your own best interests for the long term, preferring to act in your best interests for the short term which means continuing to be in contact with him. There's no "trying" to stay away sexually- there's either doing or not doing and it depends again on whether you prioritize instant gratification or long term health. Link to comment
delicous Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 I WANT long term health...him and I BOTH have been prioritizing for instant gratification though....Its been a problem since the get-go! I really want him, but I am beginning to think he is never going to grow out of his ways, which are not the actions I want my man,long term to act or associate with...I think Im going to have to have another talk with him and make sure to hold my grounds... I know he prob just wants sex but he doesn't want a relationship where the two people are 100% committed to eachother, are partners...whats the word? I can't think right now...went out lastnight and have had hardly any sleep just to be woken up from his calll saying he wants to see me, so hes coming over or whatever...I don't want a man who chooses to live the way this man does, I wish I could get him motivated, but its just not my place, I am not God and cannot work maricles... Im at a loss at this point...Hes been rude to me on the phone in numorous occations, he keeps wanting to hang up with me right when I call which makes me feel like sh*t...Hes been doing this now for a long long while... I DO choose to not have sex with him anymore in hopes that I can help gain some self respect for myself and him...I think we both just take sex for granted instead of a privilage... Link to comment
delicous Posted September 12, 2011 Author Share Posted September 12, 2011 I think "I" have a problem choosing between what I "want" Vs. "need." I guess I know the difference buuuuut....Yeah stressin out myself over this..We got back together, agreed to not have sex until we get to know each other better...I gave in yesterday after going through a whole day with him, without having it and it was really hard to do and he kept grabbing at me, very persistent and horny...We hadn't seen eachother for like a week, so yeah...But I think we both have an unspoken agreement that we need to try to not for now on, that was our last time we take sex for granted....And so yeah, he talked to me yesterday, told me he wants me and only me, he wants a relationship...I asked him "do you want a SERIOUS relationship with me?" And he told me yes.... So its been good so far so good..but its only been not even a total of 3 days yet.. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 In about six months you'll know whether this relationship has long term potential. Good luck! Link to comment
delicous Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 I sure hope you are right.. You have helped me a lot and thank you for ALL of your advise...I told my bestfriend and she is P*ssed off about it, but Im sure she will come back around.... thnx again though, really appriciate it... I think I will go over this forum and re- read everything since I have a terrible memory and I wasn't choosing to listen to it earlier... Link to comment
jimjam07 Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 I've had the whole break up sex.. it was good, but as I look back on it is not a particularly good idea. I still had feelings for him, and I still wanted him back. But he didnt feel the same. Ask yourself why did you two break up? I know you still have feelings for him, they are hard to get rid of. He's just using both of you, and it isn't right. A relationship should have 2 people not 3. I think you should sit down with him, and have some closure.... But he's just using both of you to get sex, it's want he wants, and he doesnt care about your feelings obviously.... if he cant get it from one girl he can certainly get it from the other. & he wouldn't have lost anything Link to comment
delicous Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 yeah, I don't particularly agree with you jimjam, only because she isn't really in his life anymore...yea, she was for while when he was trying to get his name off of everything, cellphone, car...etc...and yes, he did cheat once but...I forgave him because it was in the very beginning... Him and I are trying to start out new, so we will see how it goes, so far its been good. Link to comment
delicous Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 I know, I was told Id know in 6 months, but....I just am not being nurtured enough...He is just not treating me the way I want to be treated...He just is maybe "not enough." I hope I am not being too picky or something...Just...Need MORE...Wish it was him, but I am beginning to think he really isn't my cup of tea....But I won't EVER be able to be friends with him because I believe id be insecure everytime Id see him with his new girlfriend, or emotional over the fact that we just DOn'T FIT...=( This is so crappy.. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Then you have your answer. It's crappy now but it frees you to meet men who fill your needs. I don't think it's picky at all to want someone you can trust and who values commitment in general, which he does not. Link to comment
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